Didn't handle seeing her well

[Blueskyday]

Hi everyone.
Its all downhill for me at the moment. I hope there is some good news for some of you.

Things have been so tense with my dtr. I haven't seen the Grandbaby since the weekend before last. She called me on Friday but I couldn't see her last weekend.

I am so isolated. I became overwhelmingly depressed. I didn't want the child to see me so down. I don't want the child to see the tension with me and her Mother. My dtr ignored me except to ask for money and to have the kids overnight.

She had engulfed me with drama for the last decade literally. I got so ill. I became more isolated. My company went bust and I lost touch with the one or 2 people I was friendly with. I spend every day and evening alone when I am not at work. My health had made it so as I cant keep up. Mixed with the bpd issue it was all too much.

Some may remember I have had additional issues. This morning I was referred to have a breast biopsy. They tried to do it 3 yrs ago but I declined. Now the lump is so painful I am nursing it with a hot water bottle. Its affecting me worse than it was. They will perform this within 2 weeks. I will have to go alone and wait for the result alone.

I am so down and alone I really have nothing to lose if it is cancer. Its time to know what faces me so I can tidy things up if I have to.

So I bumped into her just after I made the call to go to the doctor yesterday. She spoke to me as if she had seen me yesterday but like a stranger at the same time. I couldn't speak. I dread to think what kind of look I gave her. I did ask if she was OK. I couldn't respond to her chatter. I fear I came across as cold and distant. She was taken aback for sure by my demeanour.Of course she is thinking the worst of me.

I sent a message today to say I am sorry if I was odd. I have a lot going on. I had told her I did cold turkey off of 240mg codeine a day over the weekend. This is no mean feat after 10 years of Opiod use daily. I was hoping some part of her would give me a pass for this but no.

She did not respond!

Please don't think I am trying to garner sympathy. I am ready to face whatever is in front of me. I am very appreciative of this forum. I know we all walk a similar path and I am so in need of a space to speak in.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello BlueSkyDay
This does not sound like blue skys at all but maybe we can find some hope. First of all I am very glad you are having the lump on your breast checked out. It is so important to know what you are facing and if it is serious the sooner you know the better. That was a courageous step on your part. Also quitting codeine over the weekend is an amazing feat. You must be a very strong woman. I celebrate you and hope you celebrate yourself.

Please don't beat yourself up over your BPD daughter. Her negative reactions are not your fault. It's part of her disease. Unfortunately she may not be able to offer you the emotional support you need right now because all of her energy is tied up in trying to cope with her BPD. But you do have us and I think I speak for everyone when I say you are nothing short of awesome. Let us know how the biopsy goes. I will be praying for you.
Hugs
Faith

[Blueskyday]

Thank you Faith, it means a lot.
No she can't offer me any emotional support that much is true. I must steel myself for what is to come.

I will be blackened for not telling her that I am having the biopsy. I will be cast as selfish and insensitive for keeping it to myself. I will be accused of manipulating her in some fashion. If I told her she would insist on coming for appearances sake despite not being of comfort and not wanting to be there. She would then accuse me of manipulating her . She may say I did it to garner attention.

20 years of this has given me the experience to know how she will react

She is currently thriving. She has started working full time so she will have a lot more money. My money has run out. Her latest best friend works with her so she has an ally . She is going out a lot I believe.

I am glad of course. I am relieved of  constant emotional burden also  hopefully life will be better for the child as it was getting very dark at one point.  Still...She did so make a meal of making it clear I am now surplus to requirements. This hurt me more than I can say even though I saw it coming.

The cold turkey was hard but after 10 years I knew I had to go through it. There was no pain relief any longer and I felt myself being slowly poisoned. I couldn't draw it out. I now understand a lot of movies I have watched better since experiencing being strung out

I am ready to know. I watched my partner die in my arms after rounds of chemo. Of course we are all different and some people are helped by oncologists but for me I have seen too much to follow that path.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad your daughter seems to be improving, has a job, a friend, and seems to be moving forward with her life. Maybe one day your relationship will heal. Who knows? But for now you need to focus on your health and well being. I can certainly understand your aversion to doctors after what you went through with your partner
 That must have been incredibly painful
 But like I said. I keep seeing real strength in you and you do have a support team - us. It may be online and anonymous but this group is very real. We have walked with many people through some very deep valleys and we will walk with you through this one.
Hugs
Faith

[PeaceMom]

Blue sky,
I’m following your journey of bravery and self care. I cheer you on from Texas. I’ve not been able to offer support much lately because I’m a bit in the weeds myself. Have you thought about any kind of face to face support group?
Please keep sharing here as it sounds like your DD might be moving in the right direction for herself which can feel like a strange new normal for you. I pray daily for my DD to become functional and independent. She tells me that if and when this happens she’ll be long gone and never see me again. It’s tough to hear but it comes from a place of guilt and shame for her.
Sending you a cyber hug-
Peacemom

[Blueskyday]

Ohh ladies,
This is not a strange new normal. I am literally trembling as I write. She has sent me reams and reams of wotsapp messages telling me how awful I am. How cruel I am to her, odd at the best of times. She has said enough is enough and I am forbidden to contact her..

What brought this on?
I asked if I could see the child. I was at work as was she. She said she was busy, her friend was coming over so I said OK. Maybe she can call me.

Then she asks why I was so weird in the street. I simply said Ive been dealing with some stuff and clearly it is making me appear weird. I said I will call you tonight and explain

Then it started..bearing in mind were both at work.I have about 3 minutes to get back to my desk.

You have to tell me now. You are worrying me that you may be dying. You are XY and Z. I say I really need you to calm down you know we can't talk here. I will call you tonight.

My phone genuinely died. I plugged it in and the things she has said have left me trembling..reams and reams. I am affecting her work. I am pushing her over the edge mentally. I am purposefully leaving her to think I am dying well enough is enough. Do not call me, do not come to my house and on and on..

I genuinely could not find a reassuring word today. I wish I could have to stop this from happening. I couldn't speak to her. When I saw her I couldn't speak.

I am breaking down and I can't cope with this. She said I have created all of this and I chose today to do it. I have been cold and distant since June..This is about when she came off of her meds.

I could just lay down and cry. I did think about calling someone but I m having real trouble speaking..

[Resiliant]

Oh Bluesky, I feel for you!   It is SO hard when we try to be as kind and loving as possible and we get misunderstood.  Remember it's not about you.   You have support here, many of us get the same things from our loved ones and it leaves us shaken and baffled.  Would a break from her help you?  What do you need aside from your relationship with her?  How can you take care of yourself?   What do you think about detaching with love?  There are so many people here with wise words.  I have much to learn so I'm not the best but I felt the need to reach out to you with love from someone who cares.  I wish you well.   Hugs 

[Resiliant]

Me again, I'm still thinking of you.  I get texts like that daily.  I feel like maybe it's important to remember that you are reaching out to someone who can't reach back.  Maybe she doesn't have the capacity for empathy and this situation is triggering her emotional disregulation.   The books we read about validation tell us to respond with things like:  "It sounds like you think I am trying to make you upset and make you wonder if I am dying.  It must be horrible to think that your mother would do that to you.  I would be upset too if someone threw that on me and then didn't contact me back.  I feel terrible that my phone died at the most inopportune time just when you were trying to contact me.  I didn't mean to upset you, I just felt the need to keep you informed about my situation.  Do you want me to tell you what is going on, or would you rather me keep my health issues to myself?"   Honestly Bluesky, I don't know if I got that right or not.  Validation can be so hard sometimes because it is counter-intuitive.   All I can say is stay strong, you will get through this.  It must be scary knowing what you went through with your partner and feeling like you are all alone now.  It would be helpful to find someone who has the emotional capacity to be a support to you when you need it - and I'm not sure that your daughter has ability that no matter how important you are to her (which I'm sure you are despite her hurtful words).    Do you think you can reconnect with some of your old friends that you mentioned?   We are here for you every day.

[wendydarling]

Oh Blue Sky   it's so hard supporting others when we need external support, as you do too. Has your GP offered, referred you for therapy, you are entitled to in the UK, to help you navigate forwards, connecting our physical and mental health. Someone who is listening to you in person, emotionally supporting you?

WDx

[Blueskyday]

Thank you so much for being there ladies.

Wendy, no...sadly the NHS has no capacity to worry about the likes of me. So many people are waiting for these services. People far worse off than me.


She blocked me and then immediately used the child as an excuse to text me. I think I had best not read that. I saw the tail end.."she can't get through". So she blasted me with all of that and got the child to call to see how I am reacting I guess. I think the gloves are off.

I am numb. I need to keep quiet because its very dangerous now. I have been here before. I can't let the child witness more than she absolutely must. She may forbid me to ever see the child

I have tried all of the things suggested. It was that which started her telling me I speak to her like I'm "not her Mother". "Why are you talking to me like you are a book? You're so cold, so hard. WHY DON'T YOU EVER CRY?" People with Lupus struggle to make tears..Still I do cry but just not when she would like me too.

I am in a no win situation. They found something in my breast 3 yrs ago. I wouldn't let them biopsy. Now the Codeine is gone the breast pain is excruciating and is radiating . This is why I expect the worst. I do hope she leaves me alone.

I did not tell her what my issue is but she jumped to the conclusion I may be dying.
Logically I fully understand that me dying is the ultimate abandonment to someone with BPD.
There is no way round that.

I do so appreciate the time you all took to write and the hugs means so much.
I know you all have an equally heavy cross to bare.

Much love to you all from across the pond xxx

[Resiliant]

Hi Bluesky, how are you feeling today?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

Hi Resiliant, thank you so much for asking. I will and I must look in and see what brings you here.

I am feeling much better.
The Cold turkey had a lot to do with my "emotional disregulation" I'm sure.
I am calmer and thinking more clearly.

The breast pain is so bad all I can manage to do is to cook. I am forcing myself to eat.
 Using the mouse in the office all day and moving the arm is aggravating it.
 
I cant lift the arm and the breast burns so. The opioid must have masked it so well.

The fatigue from the detox and overall body pain has left me on the sofa.
Time is all blurry but it is a lot of codeine to stop.

I called a drug helpline but she appeared to be decidedly unimpressed ohh dear!
She chastised a little me for not tapering and advised me to go to a GP for advice.
She couldn't help me.
I know a GP has no idea how to advise me.
All I wanted was a bit of an idea of what to expect when in "paws"..
The drug is out but its not all over yet..
Thank God for youtube.

I found myself worrying about what was possibly going on at my daughter's house.
She was spiralling on those messages.
 I am worried about what she is saying to the child.
 When she is lashing out she is very histrionic.
I decided to email.

Ohh my lord that was walking a tightrope.
The fact that I had to carefully judge every possible word just brought home how impossible it is to communicate anything to her..

She behaved so very badly.
 I can clearly see how she ignored and tried to trample all of my boundaries . She hugely disrespected me.
 She repeatedly threw at me " you could be dying" then forbid me to contact her..
This is cruel which of course she accused me of.
I can't ever emotionally reconnect with her again no matter the outcome but I will need to see the child. If it is bad news she will need to be willing to bring the child to me

I adore that child. She adores me.

So I wrote and email.
I explained everything..didn't touch on her bad behaviour, for what is the point.
 I said what I needed to say calmly and without accusation. ( that was the hardest bit)
 I said I need to go back to the breast clinic and had tried to spare her the worry. I left out the details.
I said it all may be nothing but having lost my partner I find the whole business traumatic and that was what she saw on my face when she bumped into me..
She saw how bad the experience was 3 yrs ago

 I said I loved her. I also said her interpetation of and response to my behaviour clearly shows we need space..
I asked her to please, please make a plausible excuse to the child for my absence. I did also request that even if she feels she is right not to repeat the things she has accused me of because I am not strong enough to take that.

I said I will of course let her know how I get on but I need to do this in my own way.

So I feel better. Despite the body and breast pain I did not take codeine.
I will feel emotional and scared and alone again I know. When they do the biopsy I won't even be able to cook as its on the right.

I will plan ahead and try to be brave

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad you feel better after having sent that email. Whatever her reaction may be you said what you had to say.

Have you been able to freeze a few meals to eat after the biopsy when you won't be able to cook?

What else do you think you can do in the way of self care as you await the results?

How can we help you here?

[Blueskyday]

I will prepare when I get the date Faith, thanks so much.

There is one thing anyone could do. Please tell me if I go wrong. If I sound unreasonable or mean or selfish.
I can take it. I am still going up and down and will struggle.

I really am so greatful for all of your support

[FaithHopeLove]

So far none of your posts have come across as unreasonable, mean, or selfish. If anything I think you are too hard on yourself.

[Blueskyday]

I am doubting myself..I know its just going to be up and down.

I keep feeling better and then remembering ..On the plus side the constant heat therapy seems to have lessened the pain a bit. It took a day and a half.

I stopped my bio identical HRT just in case the Oestrogen was adding to the issue..So plunged into meno..

What a parlarver .

How are you Faith?
 

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad the heat therapy is helping somewhat with the pain. You are in the midst of physical and emotional trauma. Do be gentle with yourself.

[Resiliant]

Wow Bluesky, I admire your courage and your strength.  It sounds like did a great job with your email to your daughter.   Loving and so unselfish during such a challenging time for you.  Congratulations on working through your physical pain and the detox.  I hope you get to see your grandchild soon, I’m sure she brings you great joy.  I just became a grandmother for the first time and it’s so amazing.   Only problem is that she lives on the other side of the country so I’ve just been able to see her once.  For now it’s just pictures and thank goodness for FaceTime !  Anyways, enough about me.  Stay strong and remember you have friends here.  We are thinking of you.  Xoxoxo

[Blueskyday]

Ohh Resilient congratulations.
They are such a joy.

[twocrazycats]

Blueskyday, you have a lot on your plate, and I admire how strong and brave you are acting in the face of it all. I'm sure it took strength and courage to tell your daughter you need space.

I know with my daughter, even on her good days, she is not capable of giving any kind of support. It is a one-sided relationship. I give to her. I validate her. I choose my words carefully with her. I support her. And she responds. Often pretty well, when validated, often horrendously when not. But either way, it is all about her. It would require her to work on herself honestly in therapy for it to be any different. And yet many times, especially on a good day, I forget. I'll say something that any non BPD would respond to with some show of support, but again, nothing from her. I know that I have to accept that. For now, I am alone with regard to that. So I totally understand how hurt you must feel when any non would show some support and what you get instead is verbally attacked. And in addition to that, you worry that her fear of you dying could be triggering her fear of abandonment. You have to put yourself first, especially now. I think space from her could be healing. For both of you probably.

I'm glad the heat helped. I'm keeping you in my thoughts, even when I don't respond to posts.

2CC

[Blueskyday]

Thank you crazy cats.

In fact she has terminated the relationship..I just needed to let her know the door to her abuse of me needs to close. Ohh I know the smear campaign is well under way though.

When you said your child would need years of therapy to be  able to offer any kind of emotional support that resonated.

Its all so so sad.

She sent a curt email today instructing me to change the password to my ebay account she uses. Even directing me to my email account to do so. That was all..nothing more..She locked herself out but is probably telling everyone I did it.

This is the girl who is traumatised by thoughts of my impending doom. I did not respond. I won't jump. She is resourceful she can find another way to sell her stuff.

I then received a snapchat from the child. This brought a smile to my face. I responded to that..Still I do wonder how the "lost" mobile phone has suddenly appeared. The child didnt snap again but I am hopeful. I miss her little face and squeaky voice. I miss the dog.

I have no idea how I am managing to work and hide what is happening inside me. The pain is there but managable.

Thank heavens for small mercies.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

Awwe my baby called me on snapchat.
I even saw the pooch.


She was all excited to talk. She sang a song for me and showed me some stuff. No sign of my daughter thank goodness. I have no idea what's been said to her. I just need to trust that 8 years of pure love and adoration won't easily be displaced.

Her phone lost charge after 5 minites but it was so nice hearing her squeaky little voice.

The song is called " Making a run for it" She has written from the perspective of a dog who pooped on a rug 

Puts it all into perspective

[FaithHopeLove]

That really is precious. Your granddaughter is lucky to have you.

[Blueskyday]

Thank God for her Faith.
She charged her phone and called me back. We played with the snapchat faces and jabbered for another 5 minute

She blew me kisses and said she loves me.
She's been told something because she didn't ask me to visit.

I caught a glimpse of my sour faced daughter who had now placed herself just behind the child on the sofa.
She told her in a dull empty tone  to say goodnight to me.

So I guess the red mist is clearing and she's almost all raged out. I am well out of it. I am so grateful the child is too old to be taken away from me without her realising the child would see the truth.

Its been a better day than I could have imagined knowing where I am at this moment

[Resiliant]

Hi Bluesky, thanks for letting us know.   That warms my heart!   

[Blueskyday]

My date came through for the breast specialist. 6/11

8 more days of this and then what..I hate Doctors.

Its my 54th Birthday the week after and my mother died at 54 from cancer..They thought it started in her liver.

OMG you couldn't make this up.

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh wow. It must be so terrifying to think you are turning the same age your mother was when she died. Even though it doesn't necessarily mean you will suffer the same fate the symbolism is daunting. How do you plan to spend the next 8 days?

[Blueskyday]

Ohh Faith,
My daughter was the same age as the Grandchild when my Mother passed. My Mother and I both widows.Hence my hysteria...

My dtr is fully aware of all of this. I feel the anger building towards her again the more I think of it. How could she do this?

Her birthday is 2 weeks after mine so the whole situation is a mess. Poor little lamb in the middle. She was so excited for my birthday..and how will it look when her Mother and I do not communicate in either one.
How could she do this to her?

The breast pain is subsiding..probably due to stopping the Oestrogen. I am aware that most sinister BC ( can't write the word ) is not painful but the inflammatory kind is..The breast is a full size bigger. But thank heavens the pain is not as bad as it was.

I am utterly amazed I am getting up and going to work. Equally with the cold turkey..
.admittedly I force myself to eat then just lay on the sofa and try to pass the time with movies I am existing at the moment. I have no idea of how long it will be until I get results..