Addiction, BPD - and Bad Advice?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post, and don’t really know where to start...my husband and I currently live apart due to issues with addiction. We have been together for 21 years, married for 7. It took no time for us to start dating and living together. I knew he used but not really the extent of it at the time. We did discuss it, and I told him it wasn’t something I wanted as a life style. This would be an ongoing battle over the course of our relationship. He would tell me at first that he was wanting to move on from it as well, but in future arguments, I was told I was making a big deal of the situation. Sometimes he would agree to quit, and things would be okay for a bit, and then the cycle would start over. Over time, I learned that he had been to rehab twice, and he told me he was bi polar, but had no official diagnosis. A year or so into our relationship, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes, but that we needed to work out some things first. There were jealousy issues, and eventually I became isolated. A few times over the years, the fighting over his use and the issues with jealousy would be too much, and I would break down. For me, that looked like self medicating with alcohol, and once it was a bout of deep depression. We talked about him going to therapy, and he did go at one point, but they gave him anti depressants he wouldn’t take and that was the end of it. In the beginning, we had somewhat constructive communication, but over time, it broke down as he would agree with me verbally but there would be no action and it took a toll on my mental health. Eventually, he started using daily and hiding the extent of his use. Total communication breakdown at that point. He finally agreed to go to a dr regarding his opiate abuse, but had replaced the opiates with meth and wasn’t honest about this with his dr or counselor, and he got aggressive and paranoid. Eventually went into psychosis. Which is when we separated. He fell pretty hard, and did finally wind up in a drug counseling program, but stopped going when he wound up in jail. We have still been in contact, but it has been hit and miss. His counselor didn’t want us to speak, but was not in contact with me at all about his progress and my husband was not in agreement on the not communicating. Not getting any information, I didn’t know what to do as this has been going on for more than a year now. I finally read an article about BPD, and a lot of things about our relationship now make a lot more sense. I really feel this is the underlying issue, and am frustrated because a lot of advice I have gotten from his counselor in the beginning, and my own therapist, and even Nar-Anon seem like they are the completely wrong things to do when dealing with someone with this condition. I’ve been torn about this since it all blew up, as the advice I got was no contact, but that only seems to feed his anxiety and anger, and has not done anything to improve the situation. I’m wondering if anyone has dealt with this before and can maybe help me make sense of how to navigate this situation?

[Sanctuaryxx]

This is my first post, and don’t really know where to start...my husband and I currently live apart due to issues with addiction. We have been together for 21 years, married for 7. It took no time for us to start dating and living together. I knew he used but not really the extent of it at the time. We did discuss it, and I told him it wasn’t something I wanted as a life style. This would be an ongoing battle over the course of our relationship. He would tell me at first that he was wanting to move on from it as well, but in future arguments, I was told I was making a big deal of the situation. Sometimes he would agree to quit, and things would be okay for a bit, and then the cycle would start over. Over time, I learned that he had been to rehab twice, and he told me he was bi polar, but had no official diagnosis. A year or so into our relationship, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes, but that we needed to work out some things first. There were jealousy issues, and eventually I became isolated. A few times over the years, the fighting over his use and the issues with jealousy would be too much, and I would break down. For me, that looked like self medicating with alcohol, and once it was a bout of deep depression. We talked about him going to therapy, and he did go at one point, but they gave him anti depressants he wouldn’t take and that was the end of it. In the beginning, we had somewhat constructive communication, but over time, it broke down as he would agree with me verbally but there would be no action and it took a toll on my mental health. Eventually, he started using daily and hiding the extent of his use. Total communication breakdown at that point. He finally agreed to go to a dr regarding his opiate abuse, but had replaced the opiates with meth and wasn’t honest about this with his dr or counselor, and he got aggressive and paranoid. Eventually went into psychosis. Which is when we separated. He fell pretty hard, and did finally wind up in a drug counseling program, but stopped going when he wound up in jail. We have still been in contact, but it has been hit and miss. His counselor didn’t want us to speak, but was not in contact with me at all about his progress and my husband was not in agreement on the not communicating. Not getting any information, I didn’t know what to do as this has been going on for more than a year now. I finally read an article about BPD, and a lot of things about our relationship now make a lot more sense. I really feel this is the underlying issue, and am frustrated because a lot of advice I have gotten from his counselor in the beginning, and my own therapist, and even Nar-Anon seem like they are the completely wrong things to do when dealing with someone with this condition. I’ve been torn about this since it all blew up, as the advice I got was no contact, but that only seems to feed his anxiety and anger, and has not done anything to improve the situation. I’m wondering if anyone has dealt with this before and can maybe help me make sense of how to navigate this situation?

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[Thayan]

I think a lot of times there are really hard boundaries imposed on people in early recovery from addictions. No contact, etc. This is really hard for relationships. I get it, I work in the addiction field to some degree. It is really hard when those relationships are your motivation for recovery. it is tough if there haven't been healthy boundaries and a lot of codependency. I agree with you that the Al-anon/Nar-anon can go overboard with the "tough love" and "let them hit rock bottom" which all only makes sense after the fact and isn't a good general piece of advice. I have met many people in various stages of recovery that have told me that a phone call or $20 at certain critical points could have changed a LOT of their life.

I have been working a lot on framing my boundaries about what *I* need, and not what I'm expecting of the other person. Walking on Eggshells goes into this in more detail, but I have found this is making me feel so much better.
"I'm going to take a break because I need this for me, as I'm not doing so well right now." Sounds much different to someone with BPD (or anyone) than "I'm leaving you now because you are acting irrationally and you are making me so angry right now." Others could say this better than I can, but its what I'm working on for me.

[Sanctuaryxx]

I really wish I had known the problem sooner, a lot of our interactions have been angry from his side and guilt ridden in my side, because I was told not to have contact, but it felt like the wrong thing at some points. I do understand the need for boundaries, but I feel there has to be a better way to communicate that. Since reading about BPD, our last interactions have been very different. I’m hesitant on what our next move should be because the only real solid advisement I have gotten has been no contact. But he lost faith in his counselor because of her stance on this and chose not to continue going. So now, there isn’t anyone to get guidance from. I approached therapy with him, and he is willing to go with me, but I’m a little concerned about how this might go if the BPD isn’t recognized. He’s very tight about talking about anything from his past or giving up much information. I’m not sure how to go about this, but I feel it would get us a lot further than anything done thus far. The boundaries...that is a hard one for me. I was able to successfully communicate to him that I still had some reservations about moving back in with him. There has been a lot of behavior on both our parts that have caused further damage to the relationship, his because of the BPD and addiction, and mine caused by my conflicting feelings. It was often hard for me to know what to believe about his feelings for me, as he would say one thing, and show me another. That really took a toll and I definitely had some acting out of my own as a result. I’m hoping therapy can help us navigate healthier boundaries and ways of communicating. And finally resolve some of the issues we have with each other and move forward. I guess, I’m wondering how successful marriage counseling will be, and the best way for me to go about finding the right person.