Daughter-in-law with BPD dividing our family

[Mamo]

Our daughter-in-law of 10 years is becoming more and more controlling and instrumental in us not seeing our son or grandchildren.  She has convinced our son that we are horrible people and is now pretending that she is trying to mediate with our son so that we can make strides to become a family again.  She sends us lists of conditions that we need to meet before we can see our grand-kids while accusing us of doing things we haven't done.  My desire is to be able to communicate with our son and have clear boundaries with her.  She has been bullying us from before they were married and feeling pretty weary with trying to make progress.  Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Mamo
Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here. This is the best place to get information and support while you work to improve  a relationship with someone who has BPD. There are quite a few grandparents here whose children or in-laws make it hard for them to see their grandchildren. I am sure some will be along shortly to share their perspectives and offer advice. Meanwhile do make yourself at home. Have a look around the site and see what resources we have to offer. Welcome!
 

[TDD]

Dear Mamo,
I completely feel your pain as my dil has been doing the same thing to our entire family for the past 7 years. We have 4 beautiful grandchildren that we barely see and each year she has become more controlling and mean. The beginning of the summer we had a planned trip to see my son, her, and the grandchildren after not having seen them for nine months. Driving over we had decided that we were going to just enjoy our time and be kind and cordial to our dil. As soon as we got there, she barely said hello to us, said something snarky to us, already had our grandchildren in the car (we were going to the park but it sure would have been nice to see them when we got there!) and we only saw them for two hours! Tried to take them out for lunch but of course that was met with a big no. Haven't been allowed to see them since and I am also so tired and frustrated. My son loves us and knows she has a problem but with 4 children is caught in the middle. I have read "Walking on Eggshells" and although it helps explain some of her behavior, it doesn't take away the terrible hurt and pain she has caused everyone in my son's family, including his brothers, aunts, uncles, and son's friends. I have never met anyone like her in my entire life. My husband and I are not pushy people and would just like a normal relationship. At this point it seems totally out of the question. I know I haven' t helped you much but please know you are not alone. Maybe we can get help together. I hope so.
Sincerely,
TDD

[FaithHopeLove]

These situations are so unfortunate and unfair particularly to the children. Your DIL is probably terrified of losing her children to you. Of course it is not rational but it is very real to her. I think the best you can do is try to improve your relationship with her so that she can feel less insecure about you spending time with the grands. The communication skills we teach here such as validation, SET, and DEARMAN can go a long way toward helping. Where would you like to start?

[Mamo]

I would be interested in getting more information about helping our dil feel more validated.  I am ready to try either of the methods you are suggesting.  What's the next step?

[Resiliant]

Hi Mamo,

So glad to see you back!     And so happy to see that you are ready to try and work on some validation skills etc.  To me it seems like you've taken the first step which is "acceptance".  This is so important for your whole family including your son and grandchildren.

Learning validation is an important next step, as long as we haven't missed the step of really understanding what BPD is.  Once we really come to terms with the fact that BPD doesn't stand for "Bad Person Disease", and we learn about the disorder we are less inclined to feel hurt, we can remove ourselves from the emotional roller coasters and deal with things with more of a wise mind.

You may find that some simple validation goes a long way for you.  I have to caution you not to try too hard, and that she may not trust your intentions if she suddenly sees a big change in you.   Have patience and stand strong knowing that your intentions are sincere and that are going to try your best. 

Here is a link to a PDF posted by heartandwhole called "Family Guidelines".  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/neabpd.pdf

To answer your first question about validation methods, here is a link about SET posted by anOught:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.msg1399587#msg1399587

In short, SET stands for Support, Empathy, Truth.  This one has helped me tremendously, but it has to be done correctly.   What I mean is that it is not Support, Empathy but Truth.  When we do it that way we invalidate the support and empathy.  I learned this the hard way.   If you are going to try this, please also browse the skills workshops boards https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0.   There are other communication guidelines there.  It is also important to read about not being invalidating. 

I really hope this helps you.  You are going to have bumps along the way, it is a learning process.   Let us know what questions you have and how we can help each other on this challenging journey!

All the best to you and your family,
 
R

[zachira]

My heart hurts how your DIL is limiting your contact with your son and grandchildren. You are looking for suggestions on what you can do. When I was growing up and as an adult, I listened to hundreds of hours of my parents badmouthing my aunts and uncles who were especially kind to me and to anybody else that treated me well. I believe that your DIL looks at you as competition for her husband's and children's affection, that they might possibly abandon her, in favor of you. It probably does not take much to activate these fears. For example, you do something nice for your son and grandchildren, they like it, and then your DIL goes ballistic to find fault with you. Your DIL is not very nice to either your son or grandchildren at times, which likely makes her see you again as a competition for their affection. I think your best chance to change the dynamics somewhat is to go overboard being nice to your DIL, give her some of the attention she craves, while continuing to be kind and generous with your son and grandchildren, not that you aren't already. Some of the skills to learn suggested by others who have responded can also be helpful. I also suggest that you and your husband may want to try therapy for yourselves because of the highly trying situation you are in with your DIL. Therapy can help you to learn to hide your disapproval of her behaviors, and to respond calmly to your DIL, and not get drawn into her behaviors, like showing how upset you are with her behavior when you are around her. We are here to listen and support you. Please let us know how we can be the most helpful and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Llcs]

I've been very aware of these dynamics with the uBPD DIL and trying to explain it to my h and younger son, sad to see that others are experiencing the same patterns. Things escalated a few months ago and my son was in a terrible situation (she created) of picking us or her and, of course, it's her right now.  They have a baby and he's terrified of loosing contact with his son.  How terribly sad that he should ever worry about this.  We accepted the "boundaries" he was trying to set so we walked away calmly.  It's been months and I've stayed away, no calls, no comments on social media, until last week for my son's birthday. We did make a phone call.  A couple times early in the morning he did FaceTime with our grand baby (before she woke up).   
He said not to come for Christmas (heartbreak) so we lied to our family and said they wanted to be alone for Christmas.  No calls on Christmas or acknowledgement of the gifts we sent.  Then we see her entire family was up for Christmas and they posted beautiful photos. OMG.
I'm torn between just backing off completely, suspecting my son is struggling with her emotional dysregulation frequently or inserting my self no matter what. 
I'm too angry at her and he knows it so that's put a strain on our relationship. I'm too sarcastic right now to validate her.
From what others have written it sounds very likely that I won't be a part of my gs life.  Like many of you, this is breaking my heart.  First Christmas not being with my son and my gs not knowing who we are.
Glad I found this forum because I don't want to tell my extended family or friends about this yet. Some of my co-workers know because I've shared her BPD tendencies for years. My Hispanic family are assuming they're invited for his first birthday party and are planning a road trip next month.
We are allowed to come up for the party.