Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
August 07, 2020, 10:01:16 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: She really acts as if I don't exist  (Read 1438 times)
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2346



« Reply #30 on: November 12, 2019, 09:06:54 AM »

Ear buds are a great suggestion.

Here's mine.   I have a lucky pen,  it's an expensive Waterford.    When I am stressed during a meeting I take it with me and roll it between my fingers.

It does help to move my focus. And I have good memories associated with the pen so it helps to balance out the negative energy I am carrying.
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
confusedbybdp
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 75



« Reply #31 on: November 13, 2019, 07:14:06 PM »

Where are you, clvrnn?  We haven't heard from you in a few days.  How are things going?
Logged
clvrnn
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 498



« Reply #32 on: November 14, 2019, 01:01:38 PM »

Hey all,

Thank you for the detailed replies. I can't express just how much I appreciate them at this time.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)Ducks - Thank you. What you said has really resonated with me and I've been thinking of your words every time I want to speak to her. Going back to the person who hurt us for answers just doesn't make sense, no. Any form of interaction with her - whether she responds or not - causes damage, and I don't want any more.

thank you also for the kind words. I remind myself that while this isn't ideal, I am doing it, I haven't given up, and I am doing it.

I went in for all of my lectures today, despite yesterday being convinced that I couldn't do it.

She came in and seems to be part of a trio of people now - the other two people I would talk to but I sat with them the other day, and all they were doing was talking about expwBPD. It was very triggering and annoying, so I have decided not to hang out with them, anymore. She is now being very loud and talkative with people, which is irritating, but I try to zone out from her as much as possible. I don't talk to those people she talks to, anymore. I can't. They seem to be taken in by her charming personality act, and I just don't have time or energy to hear them talking about her.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)confusedbybdp-  thank you for asking how I am. I had taken in a book and also downloaded a card game on my phone to focus on in breaks/before lessons, so I was trying to do this. I went to the library and she came in and sat directly behind me. The library wasn't busy. I got up and moved. I don't have time to be triggered or to sit there near her. I don't care if I look mad - I'm just gonna move.

I then had another lecture with her, and I decided to sit directly at the front of the class so that I couldn't see her at all. I could still hear her, but again in breaks etc I am just playing that card game or trying to take notes.

I spoke to a lecturer about this all, and she told me that I was one of the best students in first year, and that I can do very well, etc etc. I told her that I just wanted an apology, and she said that takes maturity, guts - that this person doesn't appear to have that, and just to let it go. That I need to look after myself, and focus on this final year. I realise that yes, I do. I am still hurting but I can't waste anymore time trying to understand this person, even though I still think about it all the time.

I still feel quite upset. I just wanted to love and be loved, you know? But. This person can't give me that, and I know that. I realise now that I have to put my focus and my all into this final year of uni. Nothing else.

Logged

clvrnn
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 498



« Reply #33 on: November 15, 2019, 07:43:31 PM »

Sometimes I feel as if I truly can’t stand her; as if, with every day that she chooses to ignore me, I grow to dislike her even more. She has struck up a friendship with this guy she claimed to not even like, and sits there laughing at his jokes - I can see how fake it all is, and it is just grating on me. She strikes me as seriously immature and fickle, and fake. She would act the same with me; laughing at anything I said. I can see now that it’s just her MO and she just latches on to whoever is available. The year before me, she was friends with V, then they fell out, then she latched onto me. Now her and I have fallen out, she’s latched onto him - it’s just so transparent. I honestly can’t stand it, or her. When they sat behind me in the library I had to move because I was honestly going to cuss the entire lot of them out, I was SO angry. She is typical BPD; she becomes whoever she is hanging out with. It doesn’t appeal to me.
Logged

BrokenSpokane
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 64


non-BPD was with BPD and healing


« Reply #34 on: November 16, 2019, 01:19:33 PM »

Thank you for sharing your story. It would be very hard in that situation, where you have to see her. But, remember, it's all part of her plan. In my experience and in learning about the disorder, my exBPD knows me so well and knows how to hurt me and knows how to manipulate me, that's what she would do as well. We have no contact, but if we worked together, she'd do the same thing.

I'm also learning that she didn't experience the relationship the same way I did. She loved me, but only in the limited capacity she could. She loved me and manipulated me so that I would love her back ten fold. That's what she really wanted. The sex, the love talk, the making me feel special, the over the top making me feel like I was the only one for her.... It was all designed so that I would love her back, make her feel special.

When it was over after 4 years together, being "married" and living together for the last 9 months... She was on POF a week after I left. I'm sure she's found her next nice guy victim and the cycle will repeat itself.

But, that's her life. I'm so happy myself and my kids aren't in that toxic environment anymore.

There are so many resources on this site that have helped me. This one in particular helps explain the BPD mind in the relationship. It's all so clear to me now. My therapist has been a tremendous help as well, validating everything I'm reading and learning here. We dive deeper into the topics and things I share.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
Logged
Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1577


« Reply #35 on: November 16, 2019, 03:07:31 PM »

Hi Clvrnn,

I know there is some sort of cold-war silence going on at the moment. but have you wondered what you might do if she does eventually break the ice, say she walks towards you in a corridor and both alone and says just "hi" when no one else is around.

How might you expect you would respond, if at all?
Logged
clvrnn
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 498



« Reply #36 on: November 17, 2019, 09:00:29 AM »

Hi Clvrnn,

I know there is some sort of cold-war silence going on at the moment. but have you wondered what you might do if she does eventually break the ice, say she walks towards you in a corridor and both alone and says just "hi" when no one else is around.

How might you expect you would respond, if at all?

Hey Cromwell,

I've never thought about that, because I don't believe it's ever going to happen. All of these actions - the blocking, the avoiding - they have only convinced me that she doesn't 'like' me (even though I'm aware that with BPD, it could mean the opposite). If she did do that, I don't know what I'd do. I'd feel a mixture of things; relief, anger, confusion. It wouldn't be easy for me to just interact with her.
Logged

clvrnn
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 498



« Reply #37 on: November 17, 2019, 09:04:41 AM »

I have thought about sending a message that apologises for anything I may have said or done - I realise this sounds backwards, but I think for me, I always carry guilt over things I may have said or ways I've acted. I try not to be a 'bad' person and to treat others as best I can. I don't know.

This is the issue with being around her, it just goes in phases. Sometimes I can't stand her, other times I miss her, etc. I don't want uni to end because I enjoy it, but at the same time, seeing this person and being reminded every time that I am being ignored (seemingly for no reason) is so difficult, and I want to be away from this all. Trying my best to curb the ruminations, and I am getting there - perhaps in time this will become easier.
Logged

Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1577


« Reply #38 on: November 17, 2019, 07:51:48 PM »

Hey Cromwell,

I've never thought about that, because I don't believe it's ever going to happen. All of these actions - the blocking, the avoiding - they have only convinced me that she doesn't 'like' me (even though I'm aware that with BPD, it could mean the opposite). If she did do that, I don't know what I'd do. I'd feel a mixture of things; relief, anger, confusion. It wouldn't be easy for me to just interact with her.

I personally keep things purely professional. "Hi" in response, smile, continue walking.

It gets easier with practice as much as it becomes natural once getting to the stage of confidence. Im surprised that you chose to sit in front of her, it is something that I use to avoid doing. We have a saying here, "she/he gives me the creeps" and those types that stimulate "shaky leg syndrome" or when the tingle goes up the spine - I preferred to keep an eye on. Ive got to your stage clvrnn, I can sit in front and think to myself "kiss my a$$".

In an ideal world I wouldnt give it that much thought, but like you said about things getting easier - they have done, time has been the correlation but experience and skill and managing stuff like anger, anxiety - went a long way.

The overall impetus to getting up and facing what is not an ideal world, and one where sometimes bad things happen to good people - is I get paid to do so.

I get paid to study, write assignments, interact in group work. I accepted this, obliged myself to it. and I wont let the silliness of human-infants get in the way of it. Im not allowed to cuss them out and lower my reputation as someone who is easily provoked, short tempered, unable to problem solve in a mature way. So I do the same stuff you do clvrnn.

I do get some thoughts sometimes clvrnn, triggers, from her. they invoke an emotional response. It is different from what it once was though. It gets stopped in its tracks, the ruminating is curbed, - that - is the residual expression of what she once had but never will. If I today felt "nothing" then she would have logically, lost "nothing".

As much as when you feel angry, you feel it, because you are. Not enough to have a meltdown over though, this is evidenced by how you dealt with it, managed it, the outward expression of maturity when faced against provocation and infantalism.

Have you ever been historically in a predicament of feeling the need to apologise - not for the sake of believing you have done wrong and wish to make genuine amends - but to stop an imposed, cruel, punishment?

Silent treatment is a form of one of the worst cruel mind games, enacted by bullies. The only reason I would play along would be tactically, over-exaggerate that it has an impact (it never works on me and my ex gave up on it) would be avoidance of the other tricks out of the hat to be used instead.

Similarly, it is the only reason I respond and say "hi" back to these types of human-infants. The motive here is not because I want to use up important needed calories on communication that could be used elsewhere, it is to avoid triggering in them a self-hatred by way of snubbing the acknlowedgement of their existence. Self hatred then having to be displaced on to me, and the irritation that goes with it. a "hi" and walk on, saves face, avoid grudges, even if it is known that it is all a facade.

Just part of my job, I get paid for interpersonal skills. Problem solving. Dealing with difficult people. It is dirty work, but someone has to do it, right Clvrnn?

Primary goal is graduate - you said it here, until it is modified - stick by it and you will. What is important to us will supercede and begin to exclude all else into the periphery, reorganising, rewiring, reprioritising. I find I forget what is not important anymore.

if you choose to forget all ive said fine it is support structure stuff, main point to carry home: you will not apologise.  
Logged
clvrnn
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 498



« Reply #39 on: November 28, 2019, 03:42:25 AM »

Just boring stuff, really. I think I'd be on my way to forgetting about this person had I not been in a class with them.

She's met someone else, and... hm. I did see a photograph of the two of them on IG, with an accompanying caption that confirmed it. I saw this a couple of weeks ago. That's fine, it's been a while since her and I were involved, people move on.

I think this has only made me feel more embarrassed and probably even more insignificant. If she is able to be with someone else, then I am history, irrelevant. I haven't actually been into class since I found this out - something about being around a person who not only rejected you, but has now found someone else. Makes me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed.

No point even trying to approach her, now. No point reaching out.

Having typical worries of how she'll go on to treat this person better. If, as suspected, she DOES have BPD, then I know that isn't the case, but doesn't stop me worrying about it. I am trying to focus on myself and my future still, but this thing is still getting to me. Don't really know what to say about all of this anymore.

Think it makes it a little bit harder, seeing her. Not only will I have to deal with the silence, but also now knowing she's with someone else. Great.

Logged

Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1577


« Reply #40 on: November 28, 2019, 04:27:34 PM »

People move on but 'how they do it' is important too?

You didn't deserve this way clvrnn.

Bpd or not, we only know people when we've given it a sufficient try. How she behaves and how it has upset you, is it the way to treat someone? Is it 'right'

Nah. It isn't right.

Im with you through this. Skip class it sounds sensible and I know you wouldn't do this if you didn't have good reason to.

I'm studying at the moment and taking a break to come here then it's back to studying. Thanks for being there for me through this clvrnn this will work out I think it is the environment of her being in your face and the snubbing that is something that you will not have to put up with forever. So wishing you the best to keep going with your own work and goals.

Every time my ex made me feel hurt I'd go and either do something for myself or do something kind for someone else. Give a smile be especially nice and see that there are still receptive non disordered people out there who can appreciate it.

Ergo...

It was - not - about me. Because I treated her just as good.

It's not about you either clvrnn. Your posts I've read since the start but this experience can implant seeds of self doubt. There's millions out there who not only like the person you are they wouldbl appreciate the things you've done where she has lacked the understanding or capacity to do so.

Thoughts are with you and hope your studies keep going well like you have shown you can do. Cromwell
Logged
clvrnn
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 498



« Reply #41 on: December 07, 2019, 08:06:37 PM »

Thank you Cromwell, your words always resonate very deeply with me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel so exhausted coming here and talking about this. I feel ashamed, almost. I see a whole bunch of new usernames posting, which only serves to remind me how long I have been feeling this way.

My depression is just... I am exhausted. I no longer really do anything. I haven't been into university now for two weeks. I was going to go in last Thursday, but the night before all I could imagine was confronting my ex, and I was consumed by anxiety. So I didn't sleep at all, and overslept, which meant I didn't go in.

I don't like going in on Thursdays, anyway. Maybe it was subconscious sabotage. Thursdays are the day we have that class in that tiny room, where she is sitting directly in front of me; touching distance. It doesn't matter where anyone sits in that damn room - it's so small.

I have now entered a mindset of thinking of ways to approach her, to ask her why she did any of this. I know this would not yield me anything other than pain, and I try to steer away from ruminating and thinking about this stuff so often. I was able to throw myself into an essay of 2,000 words (on avoidant attachment, funnily enough) and I enjoyed writing it.

I have sunk into depression even further. Lost contact with the doctor that was helping me - he was trying to refer me to counselling, but it has hit an obstacle for some clerical reason. I just feel exhausted with it all.

I know about BPD, and why it happens, and all of that. But really this was the first person in my entire life that I felt 100% comfortable with. All that time she spent trying to approach me at uni, all that time she spent with me, just to end up in this weird space where she acts like I don't exist, where she's blocked me. I MUST have done or said something for her to do this. People don't just do this.

This is why I feel like going up to her. But then how would I even do that? In class? With everyone looking on? On a train? When she's walking through a corridor and is likely to ignore me and keep walking? There is literally nowhere I can aproach her. And it's unlikely she will agree to talk to me. The minute I utter "do you think we could talk?" she WILL say "no" or just ignore me. Then it's likely I'll lose control and cry, or get frustrated and beg her for answers, or something equally embarrassing.  So I can't even try that.

Sometimes I convince myself that maybe she's embarrassed, maybe she feels something and is trying to move on, that's why she had to block me. My low self-esteem tells me it's because she hates me, my codependency tells me I caused it. Realistically I know it's probably just that she's trying to move on and it's just unfortunate that we are in the same class.

I don't even know who I am anymore, or who I was before this. I've had enough. Just constantly depressed, constantly tired, constantly low. I can't believe this has happened, every time I remember it all, it feels like some bad dream.


Logged

SinisterComplex
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 275



« Reply #42 on: December 08, 2019, 01:34:26 AM »

clvrnn,

How you feel is totally normal after being exposed to a relationship with a disordered individual. It will be ok. It doesn't feel like it now, but I assure you that you will get over it in due time. Do not feel ashamed.

The most important thing you need to do is discover YOU again. Ultimately she does not matter.

Who cares if she hates you. Your codependency didn't cause sh*t. Stop blaming yourself. She is responsible for her own actions and behaviors. You are responsible only for you. If I had to save a penny for every person who didn't agree with me, doesn't like me, or I rubbed the wrong way I may be the richest person in human history. I say that half jokingly...LOL, but the truth of the matter is I am not concerned about any of that because I am true to myself and it is impossible to please everyone and when you try to please everyone you effectively please NO ONE! You win some, you lose some. That is life.

If someone hates you or doesn't like you well guess what? Sucks to be them. That is their problem and they lose out on getting to take part in your life. Just trust and believe that you are a pretty awesome person. Remember that respect matters more than being liked. Have confidence in yourself, be authentic and let the chips fall where they may.

You will recover. You will become a better YOU. Day by day. Step by step. Brick by brick. This is a marathon, not a race.

Cheers, good luck, and I truly wish you the best fortune moving forward.



Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1577


« Reply #43 on: December 08, 2019, 06:22:31 AM »

I have now entered a mindset of thinking of ways to approach her, to ask her why she did any of this. I know this would not yield me anything other than pain, and I try to steer away from ruminating and thinking about this stuff so often.

Secondary objective stuff, side show distractions, antagonisms that are impeding on the primary objective, anxiety and depression inducing, joyless.
I was able to throw myself into an essay of 2,000 words (on avoidant attachment, funnily enough) and I enjoyed writing it.

Primary objective stuff, showing to even elicit joy. (This stood out as different!)

Clvrnn It sounds like you are multi tasking and this is something im not good at, it has always worked for me, full concentration to a single primary objective until it is completed, then swiftly to the next. That being said, you have reminded me also of stuff I should be getting on with so thanks for giving an update on progress, another essay squared away and closer to your primary goal- whether adrenaline-dopamine inspired or simply out of a moment of clarity and taking that opportunity - it got done, so well it is a good sign of how strong you are at working in what is difficult circumstances - the sort of questions many interviewers ask "tell me a time when, blah blah" this could be one to save to the hard drive and bring in with - youve inspired me to stay on track too, that I have stuff I need to be doing, sometimes I also lose sight of the primary objective, get held back by hinderences to my precious research....

So that being said, I wont hold you back any further from your work at this time but look forward to hearing from you as always -  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Cromwell
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
At Bay
Avanzando
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaithHopeLove
Forgiveness
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Katrinalove
LLgreen
Longterm
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
Only Human
PeacefulMom
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
truthbeknown
Ventak
vinnie77
wavewatcher
wendydarling
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!