Part 2: Silent treatment/withdrawl from relationship

[hopeandchoices]

I honestly can't believe how much I relate to your story currently, missyou. I know your situation right now is extremely difficult, but if it means anything at all, reading your thread here and the responses has honestly lifted so much weight off my shoulders knowing that I too am not alone. Thank you for sharing, and thank you to everyone else that has shared their advice in response. I am a bit shocked at how similar my situation is but I suppose we all go through so many similar patterns when in relationships with people with BPD. I am so impressed by the strength you have demonstrated through your posts and I hope to learn from you, whatever happens next with my boyfriend. Big love to you, you're doing so well.

xx

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[missyou]

Thank you all for your responses and encouragement and your perspectives. 
I need to hear them today especially. I am really struggling to stay positive. I am feeling overwhelmed and very emotional.  I don't know which is harder for me to deal with, the silent treatment or the rages!
I have had both this weekend.
Friday night was silent treatment, with a twist. After sitting silent watching tv, H suddenly got up from watching tv got dressed to go out and left without saying a word.  He returned about 20 minutes later with 8 cans of beer  and he was acting like a rebellious teenager.  Almost  taunting me to ask him what he was doing so he could have a rant.   I just ignored his behaviour and acted like he was being normal.
I went to bed around 10 and he stayed up to drink his beer to about 1 am.
The next day he hid in his bedroom til about 2 in the afternoon. I went out about 5  to visit with my daughters and got home about 8.  He was in the living room watching a  dr.phil episode about couples who gave each other silent treatment, it was awkward AF.
He was relating to the victim, and accused me as being the " abuser" ugggghhhh.
I went to bed upset.
This morning when he came into the living room, I said" Good morning"  as I do most morning's which he usually replies to with a grunt. This morning he responded with "I don't want to talk to you, don't you get it, we are done" I replied "okay"?
He then proceeded to rage and verbally berate me and tell me how I had ruined our lives.
I really was feeling vulnerable today, and couldn't listen to it and went to the bathroom to have a shower and cry.  I have been really sad all day. I went for a walk with my sister to get a distraction and try to lift my mood. When I came home he said" I have only one more thing to say... He said I was running away and I was  recreating my past life with my ex-husband. He said I was just hanging out with anyone to avoid being with him and dealing with my issues ! The reality is I rarely go anywhere besides work, and to visit my kids.
He was insistent that I acknowledge I was running away from my issues .  I struggled with a response.  I was mentally spent.  I felt really hurt and angry. I am finding it difficult today to be compassionate and caring towards him. I have always found a way to keep that at the fore when he was raging at me, but today was different.  I felt attacked today.  I am really feeling hurt, and my resolve is thinning.
His anger and hurtful words are taking a toll on me.
He is using the heavy emotional artillery on me, I am soo discouraged by his behaviour.
I am really trying to listen for the projections, there are plenty.  I find the splitting especially difficult to deal with.

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, missyou! What a difficult weekend.

I can identify with you -- the emotional exhaustion, struggling to deal with the verbal and emotional assaults when you already feel vulnerable and weakened. My H has also had times where he's not only blamed me and projected, but insisted that I agree with him.

That's great that you were able to get some self-care time -- even if he turned that against you.

But it's true, all of this can build up over time until we either explode or implode -- or feel like we will.

How did you end up responding to his demands last night? How are you feeling this morning?

[missyou]

Hi Ozzie
thanks for checkin in with me-  it is appreciated always
in regards to his demands
I listened and responded with " I never really thought of it like that- but you could be right"
I was really quite agitated by him last night- I tried to ignore him - but I was angry with how he was treating me.
this morning I am pissed off about it.  I know that is not a good thing and won't do anyone any good, but
Frankly I am fed up with it - I am having a hard time remembering who he used to be- he is really pushing me away with this and I resent that.
I need to do some deep breathing and re-evaluation- I am tired of the rollercoaster now
 

[Ozzie101]

Honestly, I'm in a similar place right now. My H is going through a very difficult time and I am sympathetic to that. But it's getting harder and harder to keep my own energy and inner core strong, especially when he plays the blame game or is unrelentingly negative and dismissive, as my H was last night.

You're right. Being angry doesn't do anyone any good -- and often our loved one with BPD can pick up on it, which sends things spiraling even further. I'm taking advantage of time out of the house to try to center myself and my mind so that I can be my cheerful self this evening. We'll see how it goes.

 

[missyou]

Not much positive to report, H is still doing the ST.  He seems agitated with me and my presence.  He is home by himself all day, and can do anything he wants. He cooks for himself, and does house work, laundry etc
It is helpful and I think he likes to have a routine.  He hasn't talked to me this week, when I get home from work, he mostly just sits staring at the tv or laptop.  So contrary to how we used to be together. It's so bizarre.
Today he was really agitated with me cause he thought I broke the tv.  I didn't break it, but it wasn't working the same as before I changed a HDMI cable, so he had a bit of a rant over that, and told me he couldn't handle being around me at all these days. I gave him high blood pressure and he didn't want to talk to me. I annoyed him so much!
He is constantly angry and I am his favorite target for his anger lately.  I am not sure what the outcome will be, cause he hasn't worked full time in a year, so he has limited income and can't afford to move on his own, and frankly he has a pretty good gig at the moment, other than the fact he has to share his digs with me.  He does what ever he pleases.
He will never be happy regardless.
Nothing is ever good enough.
I am tired of the chronic anger, complaints and crankiness. It wears on me.
I have been trying not to let his bad mood bleed into me, but it is challenging.
I know I am not enjoying living with him these days.  He can't even carry on a civil conversation regarding his doctor appointments. It's like a big secret and he won't try and act like an adult with me anymore.  He is the critical parent, or the sullen child depending on the mood.☹️
Any ideas how to deal with this behaviour.  It's been over 2 months of emotional blackmail!

[hopeandchoices]

I don't know if I can give any advice because I am still new to understanding BPD, but I have been in a very similar situation recently so I can relate at least! Have you asked him to talk to you about what is bothering him/what he is having difficulty with that is causing him to give you ST at the moment in order to try and open up some communication? Or asked for an explaination for the ST (or you may already know?) I am guessing you have tried but silent treatment makes it very difficult to even want to try to ask because it can feel so humiliating when you are ignored. I've been recently dealing with the same thing. So many blames, accusations, and insults but followed by pure ignoring or outright refusal to take the discussion any further. What do you think would happen if you tried to set a limit for silent treatment with him? Do you feel like you could express to him that you want to help and work with him to make things better between you and in your home life, but the silent treatment is making you feel upset and less able to help him? Perhaps you could reassure that it is fine if he doesnt want to talk, but you would like to be told this in reply to your questions so that you don't feel [whatever you might be feeling I.e. humiliated]. I recently set the limit that I don't want to be 'ignored without brief explanation' and the ST has lifted although we haven't yet moved into proper communication, just relatively amicable coexistence. Or do you feel it's not the right time to try and suggest this boundary of no silent treatment? Where do you see things headed if you do or don't bring it up? No idea what the answer is but I hope that I can at least reassure you that you aren't alone. You're so strong to have gotten through so much of this. I know its hard sometimes to know how much energy you have left for all of this but it is brilliant that you are so aware of your own reactions and feelings and that you're able to share them and keep trying new approaches. 

[Ozzie101]

It's so difficult to deal with constant anger and with the constant blame/attacks. I know with my H, when he's feeling angry/hurt/out of control, he'll spew it at any available target -- often me.

He will never be happy regardless.
Nothing is ever good enough.

That's quite possible. Or, at least, it feels that way, doesn't it?

What are you doing to try to keep his mood from spilling onto you? Are you able to separate your feelings from his? To let him "own" his own feelings and reactions?

How are you doing now?

[missyou]

There have been some developments since I last posted. I am still dealing with the silent treatment, but I am not taking it as personal as I was initially. I don't like it but I am trying to see that this is my H's way of dealing with his pain and his way to cope. I see small improvement in his mood which I am happy about.  He has reverted back to having a few beers on Friday night, and this seems to be a lubricant for him to come out of his silence temporarily, an opportunity for him to feel he can talk to me.
I don't drink with him so I am sober, and can respond appropriately, and be aware not to jade.   Last night he said he felt I was avoiding talking? And asked me if I knew why I chose to revert to child like behaviour and choose to hurt him, and deliberately behave in a way that will send him to " the dark place that makes him feel like dying"!
He feels I should know what not to say or do to avoid triggering him into an episode of flight/ fright.  He still feels I have abandoned him and he feels unsupported and hopeless for our future.  He is still unable to work due to multiple physical ailments and injury and is very worried about his future in that regard as well as our relationship deterioration.
I tried to validate his feelings and emotions and he didn't seem as intensely angry, but he is  still very upset and hurting.   We spent a few hours listening to music we both like, and looking at pictures of past family events and trips.  It was a good experience, and we spontaneously could express our memories about the pictures and how nice it was to have those times.
He said a couple of times during the pictures slideshow "why would you want to give this up"
It was nice to be able to express some good emotions and feelings and by looking at the pictures I feel it validated him and reminded him we did have good times together.
I am hopeful we can possibly make a bit more progress with communication today.  I know that because alcohol is a deppresant, H will probably be feeling a bit sad and vulnerable post beer night, so I will be cautiously optimistic.  I have a lot of  work to do on myself to remain in  a concious competent mind set and avoid my usual behaviour of avoiding and stuffing my feelings and not dealing with them appropriately  as and when I should.

[Ozzie101]

Avoiding feelings. I know that well.

It sounds to me like your H is projecting big time. Not uncommon with BPD. The feelings=facts phenomenon may be coming into play too.

It sounds like you're holding up and responding well, being open to him when he's in a good space.

It's hard to be loving and positive when our loved one is cranky and negative and depressed. Struggling with that with my H at the moment. Of course, pwBPD are often very good at picking up on moods. So, he's probably picking up on some of your mood and feelings -- which are a byproduct of his moods and feelings, though he's probably unable or unwilling to see that.

How are you feeling -- independent of him. How is your self-care?

[Radcliff]

How are you feeling -- independent of him. How is your self-care?

You are doing the best you possibly can to be open to communicating with him, and to be supportive.  He is limited in his ability to meet your needs.  A huge amount of your energy is focused on his behavior.  This can crowd out your own life purposes.  Are there any things you enjoy doing that help you keep going?  If you were to add some energy or make a commitment to yourself to start doing something new or re-emphasize something for you, what might it be?

RC

[missyou]

Thank you Ozzie and RC for your support.
I find this time of year I tend to go into hibernation mode, I am on the East coast and winter is long and dark and I really don't enjoy this time of year.
I am keeping in touch with my sister and enjoy going for walks with her on the weekends.   I also visit my daughters and enjoy meeting them for a walk or a meal.
I have done some yoga classes in the past so maybe I will look into doing that again?
I enjoy cooking and baking and find that is good  therapy.  I just have to stop eating all the cookies that I make for Christmas .

[Radcliff]

I am glad you're finding some things to do that feel good for you.  We've passed the Winter's Solstice, so the days are getting longer!  Still a ways to go, but there'll be more light each day, which gives me some respite in the winter.  How was your Christmas?

RC