My story... I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, everyone.

5 years ago, I (female, 26) got in a very complicated but also very loving relationship with a BPD male (28). What brought us together in the first place was our common interests and lifestyle, so we gradually became inseparable and decided to be together. I gave him all I had and did all I could to be there for him and so did he. He would try make me feel loved and cared about by expressing his feelings in all sorts of ways. 
This "honeymoon phase" lasted about 6 months.

One of the things that brought us even closer was the fact that he was experiencing problems, which made me feel really concerned to the point where I felt I had to help him, often putting myself and my own needs aside. Those problems had their roots in his relationship with his father and the way he was treated as a child by people he thought he could trust. In a nutshell, he had lost his trust in everyone. I tried to make him feel safe by telling him that all I wanted was to be by his side and trying to convince him that he was much stronger than he thought. As he admitted, it was the first time that he had opened up to such a degree to a person he had just met, and that made me optimistic about our future. Indeed, he gradually became more and more attached to me, telling me that I was his everything. I admit I was just flattered by the way he treated me and that made me incapable of reading between the lines. Indeed, there were some red flags I willfully ignored.

 Every now and then he "warned" me that if I ever broke up with him he would have no reason left to live. I thought he was exaggerating but things started getting serious when he started threatening me that he would kill himself, something that terrified me since I knew that he was prone to self-harm. The closer we got, the more he began to show another part of himself which seemed absolutely disturbing to me.  He had numerous outbursts of anger, often without any reason whatsoever. I always tried to comfort him without success, something that most of the time made him even more aggressive as if his interlocutor were not me but someone who actually wanted to harm him. His reactions scared me, but also made me focus on him even more in order to help and protect him. A few hours later he would hug me crying and apologize. Sometimes he would also accuse me of cheating on him, and make a fuss over nothing. He was always scared I would leave him and frequently asked me why I was still there when I could find someone else. I always tried to reassure him that I really had no intention of leaving. And I really didn't. At least not until things got out of hand.

It was 3 years ago when we had a huge fight that made me realize that I could really not stand this anymore. I was not myself anymore. That was when I realized I had given up on everything I loved just to be there pampering him. When I talked to him about the fact that I needed to dedicate some time to myself, he got mad. He spent hours shouting and crying, saying that he was sure I would leave him too, just like everybody else did in the past. That I was a liar who was just playing with his feelings. He told me to stay out of his life "for my own sake", went home and blocked me on social media. I just stayed there unable to react. I had never seen him that upset. That was when I realized that was the end, for real. So, we broke up and  I started another (rebound?) relationship a few months later, which lasted about a year. I ended things with the second guy too, because I found it impossible to stop thinking about him. Even if I really wanted to forget about him though, he would not let me, since he would try to contact me every few weeks (perhaps in order to remind me of his existence).

Things between us ended for good two months ago, after a(nother) huge fight. At that point I knew we could never be together again, so I was careful not to give him any false hopes. I was not sure whether the whole "breaking up-getting back together" situation had actually had any kind of impact on him or not. I did not feel loved anymore. I only felt "needed". And still do. I have been trying to convince myself that he only used me in order to feel better, so that I can finally move on, but it is impossible, it's driving me insane. I cannot even bear to think that his feelings were not true, that maybe he had been lying or even cheating on me when we were a couple, but I have no evidence to support any of these theories. How could I have been fooled that badly? Is it even possible?

I still get that fuzzy feeling every single time I think about him, I still have the urge to call him, to tell him that all I want is to be with him. That I am and will always be in love with him. But am I? Is it real love? Has HE ever felt anything even remotely close to love? And if he hasn't, how am I supposed to convince myself that it's true, in order  to move on? How could I just delete all those memories?

 I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so lost. But the worst part of it is that if I had the chance to start over and make different decisions, I wouldn't change a thing. I'd make the same mistakes over and over again, just to be able to feel the way I did when he first said he loved me...

[EveN]

Hello, everyone.

5 years ago, I (female, 26) got in a very complicated but also very loving relationship with a BPD male (28). What brought us together in the first place was our common interests and lifestyle, so we gradually became inseparable and decided to be together. I gave him all I had and did all I could to be there for him and so did he. He would try make me feel loved and cared about by expressing his feelings in all sorts of ways. 
This "honeymoon phase" lasted about 6 months.

One of the things that brought us even closer was the fact that he was experiencing problems, which made me feel really concerned to the point where I felt I had to help him, often putting myself and my own needs aside. Those problems had their roots in his relationship with his father and the way he was treated as a child by people he thought he could trust. In a nutshell, he had lost his trust in everyone. I tried to make him feel safe by telling him that all I wanted was to be by his side and trying to convince him that he was much stronger than he thought. As he admitted, it was the first time that he had opened up to such a degree to a person he had just met, and that made me optimistic about our future. Indeed, he gradually became more and more attached to me, telling me that I was his everything. I admit I was just flattered by the way he treated me and that made me incapable of reading between the lines. Indeed, there were some red flags I willfully ignored.

 Every now and then he "warned" me that if I ever broke up with him he would have no reason left to live. I thought he was exaggerating but things started getting serious when he started threatening me that he would kill himself, something that terrified me since I knew that he was prone to self-harm. The closer we got, the more he began to show another part of himself which seemed absolutely disturbing to me.  He had numerous outbursts of anger, often without any reason whatsoever. I always tried to comfort him without success, something that most of the time made him even more aggressive as if his interlocutor were not me but someone who actually wanted to harm him. His reactions scared me, but also made me focus on him even more in order to help and protect him. A few hours later he would hug me crying and apologize. Sometimes he would also accuse me of cheating on him, and make a fuss over nothing. He was always scared I would leave him and frequently asked me why I was still there when I could find someone else. I always tried to reassure him that I really had no intention of leaving. And I really didn't. At least not until things got out of hand.

It was 3 years ago when we had a huge fight that made me realize that I could really not stand this anymore. I was not myself anymore. That was when I realized I had given up on everything I loved just to be there pampering him. When I talked to him about the fact that I needed to dedicate some time to myself, he got mad. He spent hours shouting and crying, saying that he was sure I would leave him too, just like everybody else did in the past. That I was a liar who was just playing with his feelings. He told me to stay out of his life "for my own sake", went home and blocked me on social media. I just stayed there unable to react. I had never seen him that upset. That was when I realized that was the end, for real. So, we broke up and  I started another (rebound?) relationship a few months later, which lasted about a year. I ended things with the second guy too, because I found it impossible to stop thinking about him. Even if I really wanted to forget about him though, he would not let me, since he would try to contact me every few weeks (perhaps in order to remind me of his existence).

Things between us ended for good two months ago, after a(nother) huge fight. At that point I knew we could never be together again, so I was careful not to give him any false hopes. I was not sure whether the whole "breaking up-getting back together" situation had actually had any kind of impact on him or not. I did not feel loved anymore. I only felt "needed". And still do. I have been trying to convince myself that he only used me in order to feel better, so that I can finally move on, but it is impossible, it's driving me insane. I cannot even bear to think that his feelings were not true, that maybe he had been lying or even cheating on me when we were a couple, but I have no evidence to support any of these theories. How could I have been fooled that badly? Is it even possible?

I still get that fuzzy feeling every single time I think about him, I still have the urge to call him, to tell him that all I want is to be with him. That I am and will always be in love with him. But am I? Is it real love? Has HE ever felt anything even remotely close to love? And if he hasn't, how am I supposed to convince myself that it's true, in order  to move on? How could I just delete all those memories?

 I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so lost. But the worst part of it is that if I had the chance to start over and make different decisions, I wouldn't change a thing. I'd make the same mistakes over and over again, just to be able to feel the way I did when he first said he loved me...

[Lucky Jim]

Hey EveN, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  Your story is quite familiar: the hair-trigger temper, suicide threats, insecurity, your loss of self in the r/s, love bombing, ignoring your own needs, etc.  How did you conclude that he suffers from BPD?  Hard to tell from your post.  Are you hoping for a recycle or ready to detach?  It's OK either way as many of us, including me, have done both.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself, by putting yourself and your needs first.  Self-care is not selfish; instead, it's essential for a healthy self.

LuckyJim

[totheflow]

Hi EveN,

I also knew that feeling of being so lost after the relationship ends. The best thing I did was find a good therapist that had experience in both dealing with BPD and trauma. In my opinion it's a good starting point. Best of luck! 

[EveN]

Thank you, guys, for replying. It means a lot to me.

He was diagnosed when he was 19. I was not aware of that when we first started dating, though. I got to know later, but the damage had already been done. Well, it doesn't really matter, since, even if I knew, not much would have changed on my part. Maybe it would have been easier for me to explain some things regarding his behavior which I was not able to decipher at first, but that's about it, I guess.

I don't think I'm "ready" to detach, but I know that this is the right thing to do. I don't think he will try to contact me ever again, the way he used to do every time we argued.
What's been killing me inside is the thought that he could have found someone else already. What if he did so every single time we separated? Do you think this is really the norm? This is not typical of him, but I'm so scared and confused. What if he was good at hiding stuff from me? I cannot trust my instinct anymore.
 I'm pretty sure it will take me years to recover. I feel so empty.

[EveN]

It's been a long day. I feel so weak, all I want to do is message him, but I know this is not going to end well. I wish I were strong enough to resist this urge. I have to convince myself this is not the right thing to do at the moment.
I guess I will just cry myself to sleep once again...

[lucidone]

Hey EveN.  This seems like a pretty familiar story, both with what I've went through and what I've read from others here.  I've been in two BPD relationships, and this sounds a lot like the first one.  She regularly would threaten to kill herself, especially towards the end when I was trying to get out.  The scary part about that was I didn't know if it was a bluff or not (I knew she was capable of hurting herself, but I also knew that she would say anything to get me back).  Stastically BPD's have higher successful suicide rates as well.  It's hard to remember how I felt now, as this was a decade ago already, but obviously a loved one throwing that kind of thing at you is traumatizing.  I'm sorry you had to go through it.

My therapist thought that their concept of love is different.  Love is based on mutual trust and interest.  If someone is so preoccupied with themselves and their own emotional state, and have such trust and abandonment issues, I don't see how that person would be able to love someone in a mature way.  To me it would seem more like an immature attachment, like a needy child with a parent.  I could be wrong, and I'm not at all suggesting that your SO didn't/doesn't love you.  Obviously everyone is different, and personality and mental illness has variations.

I wish that I would be able to go back to that time where my more recent exbpd thought the world of me.  It was truly wonderful.  I realize that was only the good side of her.  I was blinded in a sense, and she was hiding a very dysfunctional side that I saw more and more as time went on.  I'll never see that person again, because she isn't that person.  Part of it was temporary worship of me, part of it was her 'mask', part of it was my ignorance.

 Of course you'll want to contact him, and more  You have an attachment to him, and there will be a desire to try to get back to the status quo despite the obvious detriment to you.  I think you understand that it wouldn't be the best thing for your well being.  You've been through a lot.  Recognize that, and recognize that it isn't your fault.  Read others stories here, share yours, see a therapist, learn about the disorder.  It might be a good idea to even block all possible communications with him.  As others have stated, focus on yourself.  You'll end up coming out of this as a stronger person.

[gizmocasci]

It's been a long day. I feel so weak, all I want to do is message him, but I know this is not going to end well. I wish I were strong enough to resist this urge. I have to convince myself this is not the right thing to do at the moment.
I guess I will just cry myself to sleep once again...

EveN, hang there. Consider your ex a drug, and you're going cold turkey to quit it. I know how hard it can be. I'm three months in to no contact and almost broke it the other day, yet I fought the urge and let the feelings pass through me. You have a strong support system here. Consider how strong you are for crying instead of holding it all in. Let the tears come and just take it day by day. Be good to yourself, it will get better!

R

[Rev]

EveN, hang there. Consider your ex a drug, and you're going cold turkey to quit it. I know how hard it can be. I'm three months in to no contact and almost broke it the other day, yet I fought the urge and let the feelings pass through me. You have a strong support system here. Consider how strong you are for crying instead of holding it all in. Let the tears come and just take it day by day. Be good to yourself, it will get better

Hi EveN ... My story is somewhat similar and I want to echo this advice here.  I fought so many feeling of loss of love and self blame at about the 3 month period. I am starting month 6 now.  I need to get 3 friends to hold me accountable.  Now the feelings are waning.

SO this advice is spot on.  Gizmo is right on all fronts. Hang in there.  You have friends here.

Rev.