Is there a hope, is this BDP?

[sad_one]

Hi everyone, I have been 1 year with my man, he is 34 and I am 32. Since we met it started of like an earthquake, it was a meeting of two twin flames, nothing similar we have ever experienced in life. He is an amazing man who keeps me like a diamond in his hands, who wants to have a family, create something valuable, and doesn't joke around..He is quite serious in every decision he makes in life.  I was head over heels with him, ready to do whatever and whenever, I was so happy.
Then, the first situations came up when I noticed a strange behavior. From the most benign thoughts of mine, and things I said with good intentions, he managed to feel attacked and provocated.. It started happening more and more. I was puzzled. How can someone misinterpret like that... he feels attacked or provocated in a blink of an eye.  He was also very fragile emotionally, to the point where I tell him how good father he would make, and he breaks down crying asking me if I really mean it...  When we are eith his family at the dinner table, he never laughs or jokes with them. I sensed from the beginning that there is something off there (and he has a beautiful family). He is dead quiet, and then the other moment he is almost fighting verbally with someone (italian family so there is usually a lot of people at the table).  On the other hand, he looks very calm as a person, is very intelligent and doesn't have a problem to say if he was wrong, or to say that he will try to make himself better.
In time, I probably developed an internal fear deep of his reactions, misinterpretations and fighting urges. I am a very chilled and good willed person. So it started wearing me down, and I developed a strong anxiety when around him. Up to the point that I feel PAIN, physical pain in my throat when talking to him, and I get flu like symptoms in my body. I love him, but I cant stay there anymore, my soul is telling me something is wrong with him and I should move away for my own good.
I want to add that at the beginning of our relationship, I have told him in a funny manner 'I hope you don't have any mental illness' bcs the the previous guy I fell for had Aspergers. He reacted in a very very strange way, very explosively and as if I offended him. Which shouldn't be the normal reaction unless I said something that he knows a lot already about?
My family told me I changed for the worse, I am not myself anymore (and I used to be a very bubbly person), and I had few moments where I had to defend him , bcs  my mom heard him yelling or something similar...
How can I help him, or what can I do? Do this characteristic go in the domain of BDP?
He is very quiet, serious, calm, missinterprets others intentions often and gets them as if someone is provoking him, gets into verbal fights easily, very attentive, very fragile,
very needy. Help me please to understand... thank you all.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi sad_one and welcome!

I'm sorry you're going through this but you've found a good, safe spot to land.

From what you've described, it does sound like BPD is a possibility. No way to tell without a professional diagnosis, but whether it is BPD or not, if he has some of the characteristics, you'll find a lot of help and support here.

I know what you mean about taking benign actions or phrases and feeling attacked. It can seem strange and bewildering to a Non. One thing I've learned, though, as I've read more and more about BPD is that people with BPD tend to be hyper-sensitive. They feel emotions very, very strongly but don't have the emotional maturity or skills to manage those emotions. Look at it this way: an insensitive comment gives you a minor sunburn. For him, the same comment causes a third-degree burn. It's that painful.

Sometimes, learning how to really listen and how to speak can make a huge difference. I, for instance, learned that the way I was handling my husband's rages was actually helping to make our situation worse. There are tools and skills that can help and I can share some if you're interested. That doesn't guarantee it will fix your relationship, but it is possible to improve it. I'm living proof.

This is not to say that it's your fault. It's not. But really understanding BPD and our loved ones can go a long way to improving our situations. And sometimes if we change our own communication methods for something stronger and healthier, it can make a huge difference.

Make sense?

There's a lot of information on this site and it can be very helpful. It can also be overwhelming. Best to take it in bite-sized pieces.

For starters, you've given one example of what you felt was an overreaction. Can you choose another recent example? Do a sort of he said/she said kind of thing? That can really help us get a feel for the dynamics and maybe pinpoint some areas that could be worked on.

Welcome and keep posting!

[Forgiveness]

It could be BPD or it could be something else. Other personality disorders have some of the characteristics you are describing. BPD also includes other symptoms like addiction, impulsive behavior like spending problems, wreckless driving, or sex addiction, also self harm, extreme fear of abandonment, etc.

It really doesn't matter what you call it. I recommend the book "Walking on Eggshells" to help you make more sense of it.

Thanks for posting. The physical symptoms are something that happened to me, too. It's like your body is saying what you can't say with words.