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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: 2 months NC, Fell in her trap. Now feeling even worse  (Read 368 times)
Teddy007
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 69


« on: November 20, 2019, 09:54:47 AM »

I definitely feel fear and anxiety almost everyday. Sometimes i can manage for half of the day normal but then something triggers it. It feels like a panic attack. My UnPBDex girlfriend left me for someone else out of the blue. New supply they call it. She charmd him in when we were still togheter. 2 months of NC and she charmd me and i fell in her trap. I went to her place, she said she wanted me back and that she would come back and leave this new guy. But she also said that they had been having alot of sex and she came every time with him and that the sex was great.

So she promised me that she was going to come home to my place in the evening and everything would go back to normal, that she loved me and had been missing me and thinking about me everyday from our breakup.

In the evening the text came that she was going to be with this new guy and directly blocked me after she sent the message.

I was so needy with her those 5 hours when we talked in the morning, she was controlling me. I begged and i put all the cards on the table telling her i loved her so much and she was everything to me.

After the text came in the evening that she was gonna stay with the new guy, this broke me, i feel on the floor feeling nothing. All my self respect was gone. She had completely drain me. I was nothing but a shell of my former self.

This happen 14 days ago today. I get up every day going for a run or the the gym. Try and eat healthy and going to work. It´s a struggle, to get trough everyday is so hard.

This is the worst hell i ever been through in my life and im struggling. Our relationship lasted for 2 years with all the typical BPD issues. Cheating, lying, controlling, abusive and the worst poison the love booming, best sex i ever had. Controlled me with it.

I do feel for all of you who are in this same hell as the struggle is real. You are just lost, you don´t know what you feel and the fear and anxiety is there all the time like a mental prison.

The worst part is that i live in a small town, like really small town so the chances of pumping in to her and her new supply is really big.

I try to stay away from places that reminds me of her, us and where she could possibly show up.

Everything feels really  like a nightmare, everything! The only thing i can say is stay away from alcohol or drugs. Move, move all the time! Workout, run, walk, get yourself a boxing bag! I would never want to stop living but right now life is hell!

Read about cluster b, bpd and all the other personality disorders as well. Go on youtube and watch clips about it. Just try to understand that nothing was real, she mirrored and in the end her true self came out. Its a hard pill to swallow! It really is!

The fact that this has nothing to do with you... That feeling just kills me. And for all that has happend and all i know i still long for her return and fear it as well. But love is a dangerous thing! The drug, the addiction to poison, the witch all of it!

Sry for the long post, just needed to get the words out, right now im feeling terrible.

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confusedbybdp
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 75



« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2019, 04:37:03 PM »

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Dear Teddy007,

My heart goes out to you...it's so painful to read your story.  So many of us (all?) have been there.  The details are different for each of us, but the utter devastation and pain are familiar to all of us.  Each of us is getting through this one step at a time, there is no other way. 

Your ex's behavior is very cruel.  When we fell in love with our ex's, they were not like this.  They wore a mask of beauty, sincerity, happiness, uniqueness, excitement, etc. during the love-bombing stage.  Most of us had never experienced this before.  Personally, all the gushing made me uncomfortable, and I asked my ex to stop the excessive compliments. "You're beautiful, amazing, smart, kind, etc. etc."  It was sickening to me, but I never for a minute guessed what disorder and sickness was behind it.  Whether we liked this phase or not, we didn't stay in that honeymoon forever, did we?  It soon started to rot from the inside, and their mask of sanity slipped.

Teddy, you are not alone in being hooked by the "best sex" you ever had.  Sex is a currency for people with BPD, whether they are male or female.  Whether they do it intentionally or not, it's affect on us is to "hook us," bind us to them, and ultimately to hurt us with it (as when she told you she was having such great sex with her bf).  Think about it for a minute.  Would anyone with a shred of decency or sanity say this to someone?    It is sheer evil, in my opinion.  She is toying with your heart, and making you twist in the wind, on the one hand, wanting her back, and on the other hand, fearing that she will come back.  That is the agony, and we all know it first hand.

You are not alone, Teddy.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)



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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2019, 05:15:17 PM »

Hey Teddy, Sorry to hear you've been through the BPD wringer, as have most of us.  You've learned a painful lesson, my friend.  To me, sometimes a clean break is actually a good thing, because now you can start healing in earnest.  I'm sure it doesn't feel good, but in a way she did you a favor by letting you off the hook, which you probably lacked the strength to do on your own.  Now you can start moving forward.  How does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  But slowly, slowly . . .

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Teddy007
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Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 69


« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2019, 06:50:48 AM »

How do you deal with all of this. It goes back and forth and you get this panic attacks... Im feeling so down, so alone, so helpless and weak.

The pain feels like it´s to much to handel...
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hmf2234

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Posts: 38


« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2019, 09:48:49 AM »

How do you deal with all of this. It goes back and forth and you get this panic attacks... Im feeling so down, so alone, so helpless and weak.

The pain feels like it´s to much to handel...

You deal with it by trying your absolute best to occupy yourself with friends, family, hobbies... anything, just to get your mind off it temporarily. Go from one activity to another and just try to SURVIVE this horrible feeling. Time will heal all wounds, but until that time passes you have to do just that, survive one day at a time and do it by any means possible! Try not to spend too much time alone, friends and family. Go visit people you haven't seen in a while, pick up new hobbies, whatever it takes man!

I've been there, I'm over 5 months of NC and I have ignored every attempt of hers to contact me. The first two months were absolutely brutal! Just hang in there! IT IS NOT EASY, but it will get easier with time.

My ex hit me with cruel stuff like that too, even said to me "I finally found someone who gives oral as good as you do", just blatantly disrespectful. She toyed with me for 8 months post breakup, my dumbass allowed it because I held out false hope that we would get back together when she told me "I want to work on us and mend our bond". But finally after 8 months of straight emotional and mental manipulation I went NC.

STICK WITH IT. Block, delete, ignore... run for the hills and don't look back no matter how badly your mind is telling you to contact her or respond to her attempts. Be strong, it hurts, it sucks, it will tear you apart from the inside but you must persevere! I wish I went NC as soon as she discarded me. 8 months of hell, but 5 months of NC and I am in a much better place now! You can do it man! keep your head up and fight!
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Teddy007
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 69


« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2019, 12:21:43 PM »

Thanx man i needed to hear that! Fuuging nightmare!
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gizmocasci
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« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2019, 04:46:48 PM »

Teddy,

Hang in there. The day I finally broke things off with my ex I was hit with a list of cruel and unkind words as well. She was calling me things I had never been called before. They hit me at my core. It took me a few months to really understand the fact it was more of a reflection of her internal world rather than of mine. Surround yourself with good and validating people! I'm closing in on 4 months of no contact, and I've noticed the down moments becoming more fleeting. I'm also regaining much of the traction I had been building before I had met her. Only difference this time, is I feel stronger and more confident in my decisions.

It's really interesting, if one was to follow my timeline on instagram, you'd see my posts getting a bit more sad and depressing after I had met her, to currently where you can see they are back on the upswing. I didn't plan on them being that way, but life just happened to work out as such.

Keep at bud, we're all in this together.

R


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Longterm
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2019, 05:32:52 PM »

Hi Teddy007

Excerpt
Sry for the long post, just needed to get the words out, right now im feeling terrible.
 

No need to be sorry, we have all been or are still there.

I was with my ex nearly 20yrs before she imploded big time, she shacked up with someone else and came back after 18mths. She said she was sorry, was going to get help for her various issues, was going to build on her relationships with the kids, wanted to renew marriage vows etc. After 2mths she ran off again to the bf, 8 days after she cheated on him. I could go on but I remember how I felt, I was not back at square 1 but I wasnt far off. I spent the first month in bed when not working, comfort eating and very low in mood. I did my time (again) on YouTube and reading literature. Things were and are different now though, I finally see that there is simply nothing I can do to help her, it has been painful but also freeing.

I am not 100% yet and I know I wont be for sometime as I have other things going on that I'm trying to explore and understand, but your post resonated with me. I understand how you feel and I know how much it hurts. You will get there, you will start to feel better.

Your self care is already quite good, I know every day is a struggle but keep at it, keep going to the gym and looking after yourself, things will change.

We are always here to talk to.

LT.
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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Teddy007
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 69


« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2019, 07:29:00 AM »

when i go in to town i star feeling really bad, a lot of things remind me of us doing everyday things. I try to drive so i don´t drive on the street where she works. It just kills me knowing she is there and i am not the one going in for coffee but this other guy.

Just got back home, just went to the barber. And this was really hard. Everything is so damn hard. The days go by and the mood does not change. The cramps in my belly does not go away and it´s just so hard, everyday things remind me of the good times and i get really depressed...
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blueblue12
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 206


« Reply #9 on: November 22, 2019, 08:46:02 AM »

Hey Teddy, feel for you man. Like others have said, hang in there, it will get better. It has taken me a bit of time but now I feel that I am becoming my own self again. It takes time. I can see things a lot clearer. I really do feel like she did me a favour, because despite all the bad behaviour I endured I was in for the long haul and I was not about to leave her, I just couldn’t. I was too far in meshed. I couldn’t really see things as they really were. She controlled me completely, but I couldn’t see it. And she gaslighted me to the max, I was convinced as she had told me that everything is going wrong because of me, all my fault. So hang in there and stay nc. Don’t go back, I did once as she begged to see me, as it doesn’t quite work out, the change back again to issues and blaming comes back rather quickly soon after. Look after yourself. Find things that make you happy now.
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Rev
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #10 on: November 22, 2019, 08:52:35 AM »

when i go in to town i star feeling really bad, a lot of things remind me of us doing everyday things. I try to drive so i don´t drive on the street where she works. It just kills me knowing she is there and i am not the one going in for coffee but this other guy.

Just got back home, just went to the barber. And this was really hard. Everything is so damn hard. The days go by and the mood does not change. The cramps in my belly does not go away and it´s just so hard, everyday things remind me of the good times and i get really depressed...

Hey Bro...

Nothing to add except you know what?  No one deserves that treatment - and I know that you know that - but hey - sometimes it helps to hear that from someone else.

Personally I know that our expwBPD's have a condition and everything - but enough is sometimes enough.  

Hang in there my friend.

We're in your corner

Rev
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