Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 09:25:15 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Part 2; Escalating escalating escalating  (Read 418 times)
Overseas

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 23


« on: November 26, 2019, 12:14:55 PM »

This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341236.0

Hi Overseas, I hope you're having a better day today.  Like the others, your daughter's text to you was painfully familiar to me as well.  
It make's me think that maybe now is time for you to use the SET method of communicating.   As Bluesky said there is no manual, but there are tools and tips that work.  And, like CrazyCats said some of them are counter-intuitive.  
Chat later



Hi resilient, thanks for that, feeling emotionally exhausted today. The reminder for SET communication is a good one, I do actively practice this and it does help build on our relationship, I do admit that it can go out of the window when the full blown rage is on. I’ve also sent it on to dh to read as he desperately wants to build on their relationship. Well also need to apply it before Thursday as dd has decided she’s not going to the youth alcohol and drugs services appointment I’ve set up for her! Apart from the communication she is home in her room and talkin with us.
« Last Edit: November 27, 2019, 07:53:22 AM by I Am Redeemed, Reason: added quote box » Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Blueskyday
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 333


« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2019, 01:18:13 PM »

I had an online friend when my dd was 15 and doing everything you describe plus some real real weird stuff online I discovered ( from weekends with a neglectful Father)

My friend called it "domestic terrorism ". He worked in a prison and was shocked at what I described.

Please be kind to yourself. You will make mistakes and say things you don't mean from a place of pain and anger. You are human and living in a war zone.

If you didn't give a S*** the door would be open all night and you wouldn't notice is she was in or out.

Your maternal instinct has gone into overdrive with fear but you can not save her from herself.

I think we all have PTSD
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2019, 01:33:25 PM »

Safety is a very important core value. It is one of mine as well. The thing is, sadly, it is something that is not entirely under our control. I wish my son would stop trying to kill himself but the brutal truth is I can't stop him. If he is really determined to suicide he will. But as long as he is still with us I look for whatever it is that I CAN do that might help him see his life as worth living. Your daughter is engaged in all sorts of behavior that could harm her like coming in late, using drugs, etc. You are understandably upset about it and wish you could stop it. I wish you could stop it too. But, as Two Crazy Cats has said, the disciplinary methods that work with nons tend not to work with pwbpd. So I guess it all comes down to what CAN you do to help your daughter be safe and what can't you do. Specifically, since it is what you asked about, what about her habit of coming in late on school nights is under your control and what isn't?
Logged
twocrazycats
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 115



« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2019, 11:18:03 PM »

I read the article faithlovehope thank you, and totally agree with the right way to set boundaries. Unfortunately it’s not telling me what to do when dd totally disrespects those boundaries and is unwilling to comply. For example when we ask dd to be home by 7pm on a school night, ample time considering she finishes at 3pm, she comes home whatever time she likes. Impossible to ground her because she’ll have a full blown bpd rage and walk out of the door.

For one thing, the boundaries have to be discussed when she's not in a rage. For another, she's a teenager, so surely she depends on you for many, if not most, of her needs and wants. Some of those things she wants can totally depend on her following your house rules. You can make clear to her, at a time when she is (relatively) calm, that from now on,  getting, or continuing to get, such-and-such will depend on her following your house rules. Say it calmly yet firmly. And then say no more about it. The next time she breaks the rule, and if she's like my dd she will, then simply don't give her whatever it is that she wanted that was tied to following the rules. If she rages and and starts spewing the verbal vomit, let her. It's about her, not you. Just don't back down. You can even validate. "Oh, I know it's hard to not have X. When you're coming home on time, you'll have it."  And reaffirm that you love her.

I also remind my dd that she has the rest of her life to set her own rules. While she's living in my house, she needs to follow mine.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps, but it's what seems to work best with my daughter.

2CC
Logged
Overseas

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 23


« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2019, 02:20:08 AM »

We have no leverage as we don’t give her anything, no pocket money, no phone credit, no nothing. She gets an allowance from college for travel and €50 a week for attendance but not from us. The only time we give her money is to buy a train or bus ticket (which we purchase online) to visit one of her inpatient friends in another part of the country. We even pack her a lunch to avoid giving her cash.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!