Possibly bpd?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

have read walking on egg shells and some of the traits of a high functioning BPD fit my husband but trying to see other people stories so I can get more clarity on if this is possibly what’s going on. I’m not asking for a diagnosis because I know a psychiatrist can only do that. But at this time he’s unwilling to go. If I could see if even his symptoms could possibly be related to BPD then it would give me clarity on how to have a relationship with him.
Wondering if anyone can read the symptoms and just let me know if they sound familiar to their experience with someone with high functioning BPD.
Here are a few things I can think of:
When I told him recently I’m leaving he went from accusing me of purposely pushing his buttons- to saying he’s the whole problem( anything to make me not leave).
Doesn’t seem like impulse control issue in last 15 years but before would drink /go to bars a lot.
Intense personality.
Paranoid about me being unfaithful. It can seemingly come out of nowhere. I don’t even have to be around another person for him to all of a sudden blame me for this.
Blames me for very untrue things like sabotaging his friendships and running happy days and causing relationship issues between him and our children.
Doesn’t seem to have empathy because I can’t truly remember very many apologies for the things listed. He states I’m too sensitive but I need to get thicker skin.
When I tell him I’m not meeting to be obstinate/hurt him in anyway he said it must be subconscious
He has never self harmed/said suicide
 in any way.
He keeps long term job and works hard
Friendly/very like able at church
Gets very frustrated with me when I’m having hard time thinking of words.
Will think I’m obstinate -causing problems even if I did/didn’t do simple thing ( use his razor/didn’t put water container top where he said)
Gets upset/mad when I spend “too much time” with my sister. Recently said he’s not upset I spend time with her- he’s just upset I’m not spending time with him.
He likes me to be home if not working etc but doesn’t need me to be with/by him at home or if running errands
Opinionated and more black and white view point.
I can see the fact of devalue phase with things I’ve already listed but don’t see an idealization phase necessarily - I just am ok in his eyes sometimes.   

[Jillsmith]

have read walking on egg shells and some of the traits of a high functioning BPD fit my husband but trying to see other people stories so I can get more clarity on if this is possibly what’s going on. I’m not asking for a diagnosis because I know a psychiatrist can only do that. But at this time he’s unwilling to go. If I could see if even his symptoms could possibly be related to BPD then it would give me clarity on how to have a relationship with him.
Wondering if anyone can read the symptoms and just let me know if they sound familiar to their experience with someone with high functioning BPD.
Here are a few things I can think of:
When I told him recently I’m leaving he went from accusing me of purposely pushing his buttons- to saying he’s the whole problem( anything to make me not leave).
Doesn’t seem like impulse control issue in last 15 years but before would drink /go to bars a lot.
Intense personality.
Paranoid about me being unfaithful. It can seemingly come out of nowhere. I don’t even have to be around another person for him to all of a sudden blame me for this.
Blames me for very untrue things like sabotaging his friendships and running happy days and causing relationship issues between him and our children.
Doesn’t seem to have empathy because I can’t truly remember very many apologies for the things listed. He states I’m too sensitive but I need to get thicker skin.
When I tell him I’m not meeting to be obstinate/hurt him in anyway he said it must be subconscious
He has never self harmed/said suicide
 in any way.
He keeps long term job and works hard
Friendly/very like able at church
Gets very frustrated with me when I’m having hard time thinking of words.
Will think I’m obstinate -causing problems even if I did/didn’t do simple thing ( use his razor/didn’t put water container top where he said)
Gets upset/mad when I spend “too much time” with my sister. Recently said he’s not upset I spend time with her- he’s just upset I’m not spending time with him.
He likes me to be home if not working etc but doesn’t need me to be with/by him at home or if running errands
Opinionated and more black and white view point.
I can see the fact of devalue phase with things I’ve already listed but don’t see an idealization phase necessarily - I just am ok in his eyes sometimes.   

[SinisterComplex]

Honestly, that doesn't sound like BPD to me. As for him not wanting to go to a therapist I would say that is probably more of a man thing...men typically do not want to go share their feelings, etc. So in that aspect that is pretty normal and typical.

To be honest, provide the board with more information if you could and provide some more specific examples.

I really am not seeing BPD here though. If anything maybe he has more narcissistic traits leaning toward NPD.

Granted I am wagering a guess here and need more information to work with. Just trying to help.

Cheers!

[Jillsmith]

Are you needing more specific examples like details on Things that of happened between him and I?

[SinisterComplex]

Yes. Provide more context if you can. Again, truly just trying to help. There will be others who will chime in to.

From what you have provided it sounds like he has a stable identity and sense of self. He doesn't have impulse control issues. He may have insecurities, but that could be due to other issues having nothing to do with a disorder. Also, if you are just ok in his eyes sometimes that shows there is a grey area here...

Additionally, you leaving just brought out his male pride/ego getting bruised. This is more a common thing I see in men in general and it has nothing to do with a disorder.

I guess for me I am more curious to hear his responses when you have asked him why he thinks or feels the way he does.

About the only thing I can see here in front of me is that there are significant communication issues between the two of you.

Please understand that I by no means am trying to offend or ruffle any feathers and if I do I sincerely apologize. My intent is simply to see if I can perhaps provide some ideas to help get you pointed in the right direction.

[babyducks]

Hi and

It's very difficult to make a diagnosis of BPD, even for professionals.    that's one of the reasons they often hesitate to use the term.   

BPD overlaps with many other disorders;  SinsterComplex mentioned NPD.   I would single out C-PTSD as another very closely related disorder.    There are quite a few more.

If you found walking on eggshells to be helpful I would point you in the direction of this book:   (click the link)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0

It's the single best book I ever read on the topic.

for many of these disorders the tools which are detailed on this website on the "bettering" board are the same.    Highly validating environments.     No "JADE".    and diffusing conflict.     you might want to read and post there, if you are looking for skills to help you manage the relationship.

'ducks

[babyducks]

this quote is from the book I linked you to.   I found it helpful in identifying traits normally associated with borderline personality disorder.

Fjelstad's describes the traits by the instability they produce.

Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, p. 9 - 11  

Traits of BP/NP

Emotional Instability
- Emotional neediness, which may be covered up by a facade of independence
- Sudden emotional outbursts of rage and despair that seem random
- Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever
- Inaccurate memory of emotional events, even changing the meaning of the events after the fact
- Seeing their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions
- Believing that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change
- Ongoing intense anxiety or fear

Thought Instability
- All-or-nothing thinking (ex. loving  you so intensely and then just as quickly reversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure, or conversely immensely superior)
- Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary
- Their interpretation of events is the only truth
- Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic
- Do not see the impact of their own behavior on others
- Deny the perceptions of others
- Accuse others of saying or doing things they didn't say or do
- Deny (even forget) negative or positive events from the past that conflict with current feelings

Behavioral Instability
- Impulsive behavior (ex. sexual acting out, reckless behavior, gambling, going into dangerous situations with little awareness
- Physically, sexually or emotionally abusive to others
- May cut, burn or mutilate themselves
- Often have addictions or other compulsive behaviors
- Create crises and chaos continuously
- Can go to suicidal thoughts when disappointed or disagreed with

Instability of a Sense of Self
- Intense fear or paranoia about being rejected, even to the extent that they need to be approved of by people they don't like
- Often change their persons, opinions or beliefs, depending on who they are with
- Lack of a consistent sense of self of who they are, or may have an overly rigid sense of self
- Often present a facade. May be fearful of being seen for "who I really am." Automatically assuming that they will be rejected or criticized.
- Out of sight, out of mind.. difficulty realizing that they or others exist when not together
- Simultaneously see themselves as both inferior and superior to others

Relationship Instability
- Instantly fall in love or instantly end a relationship with no logical explanation
- Hostile, devaluing attacks on loved ones, while being charming and pleasant to strangers
- Overidealization of others (difficulty allowing others to be less than perfect, be vulnerable or make mistakes)
- Have trouble being alone even for short periods of time,yet push others away by picking fights
- Blaming, accusing and attacking loved ones for small, even trivial mistakes or incidents
- May try to avoid anticipated rejection by rejecting the other person first
- Difficulty feeling loved if the other person is not around
- Unwilling to recognize and respect the limits of others
- Demand rights, commitments and behaviors from others that they are not willing or able to reciprocate

hope this helps.

'ducks

[Jillsmith]

Sinister- No  ruffled feathers here  :-) just really trying to understand.

One example is the last time he blamed me for cheating he came home and I have done a treatment on my face that made my mouth a little swollen and he was 100% convinced I had cheated on him. Wrote me a long letter that he was in turmoil he wouldn’t talk about it and got extremely explosive angry when I try to get him to talk about it.

Another Time is when he thought there was a package of meat missing from the freezer he was convinced I gave it to someone I was cheating with. Gets highly emotional/explosive

As far as the times that he blames me for sabotaging friendships. It can be that we went to church and I didn’t quite act like He thought I should. I have crowd anxiety so sometimes I act more reserved than others... but for some reason on certain particular days he’s convinced I’m purposely not supporting him wanting to be at church class purposely sabotaging his friendships at church


Modified to add something that I just read is the idealation  phase can be with a different person. He does definitely idealize our older son

Also his impulse control used to be very very bad and after his second DWI the fear of going to prison slow that down

Do you need more examples? Or does that help clarify a little better?

[SinisterComplex]

First, I know this isn't exactly easy, but most importantly no judgment here so the more you share the better. Now from what you just added now I can understand where the BPD idea is coming from. However, I will still not give an armchair diagnosis as that can do nothing but potentially cause more harm. Ultimately, his main underlying issue could be PTSD. There are a host of potential possibilities here. I will agree that I do believe he needs therapy though. There are still a lot of variables to consider and rocks to kick over so to speak.

However, to at least give you some hope and help get you going in the right direction...a strategy that could help you communicate with him better is to remember the 4 D's...Delay, Distract, Depersonalize, and Detach.

Delay: Calm the emotions down and speak when the dust has settled, but make sure to not react negatively which most people tend to do.

Distract: Make a suggestion to do something.

Depersonalize: The most important part of the 4 D's in my opinion...remember this truly has nothing to do with you. No matter how harsh the things said are do not take it to heart.

Detach: Do not allow yourself to get caught up in the proverbial emotional sh*t storm.

Ultimately all you really can do is be responsible for your own behavior and control how you respond to him.

Cheers!