Still on my healing journey

[otherlife]

Firstly I would like to thank you for all your honest posts which have help me move on ( to some degree), I realise I still have a way to go but I want to heal so much.  I'm in UK and its very difficult here to get the right kind of help, I tried a few therapist who simply dont get it and the NHS really has no idea.  However I am not giving up on me despite people telling me to move on and just forget it all.   I cant move on till I heal myself as I never want to go through such an experience again so I have relied on this site and you good people to guide my internal thoughts and questions and enable me to think about me and the part I played in my relationship with my ex udBDP.  I cant find any anger because i cant get over the pain and sadness and have lots of compassion for my ex.  I did'nt recognise he illness until I came out of the relationship and started to put the pieces together so also fell very guilty.
 However I know I need to fix me, I cant fix him, never could and never will, that I accept.
Looking back I now see the red flags of the initial stages and during the relationship realise he had some insight, he tried to tell me things he could not explain and I couldnt understand, all very sad.  However in my healing journey I have very recently read some old posts in my quest to find my core wounds.  I have always been the fixer the person who people go to with their problems or issues...why.  I realised I had to find myself without the 'friends' who relied on me throughout their life.  I therefore cut off from most of these people as they would never understand why I stayed with someone who was capable of hurting me so much.   How could they understand, I did'nt understand?  I decided not to share my experience but to move somewhere away from everyone so I could explore myself and complete my journey.  Its hard and its lonely but I am not giving up why?  Well thanks to all you wonderful people I think i have found some avenues to explore as they certainly resonate with me.  I am sorry being in my 60's I not good with IT so not sure how to post old threads but I would be grateful for your thoughts on these two sections here on your site.  I am sure my answers are here and also hope some of you also find these two threads useful.  the threads are
1. Stop caretaking the borderline - re book review by Margalis Fyelstad ( I've just ordered it as your comments were very insightful)-initally posted by Bluemoon9 on 20 June 2013.
2. Perspectives: From idealisation to devaluation, why we struggle - initally posted by 2010 on 5 Dec 2011.
Your thoughts please
     

[gizmocasci]

I cant find any anger because i cant get over the pain and sadness and have lots of compassion for my ex. 
     

other,

i'm sorry to hear about what you're going through! it's a painful experience, but there is a lot of knowledge to be learned. you'll find your anger in time, and when you do, allow it to come out. allow it to come out in healthy ways. scream your lungs out, write it out, punch some pillows, run it out, take a crossfit class, just let it come out. having anger is just a normal part of the human experience. i too had and still have a lot of compassion for my ex, however the anger and rage was real. in time you'll find peace and serentity again. trust in the process and trust in yourself.

best of luck

r

[otherlife]

Hello gizmocasci, thank you for your kind words and for giving me hope when I feel so stuck in grief.
The articles I wanted to share/repost refer to how many nons are somewhere between codependent/carers or have the lonely child syndrome.  I believe although the titles are different the actions are similar and point out what actions many of us take within the relationship.  Many of these actions are enabling the BDP behavior as our caring is perceived as controlling and trying to fix.  I so want to understand all this and do hope more site users reply to my post.  thanks you for giving me the time and benefit of your thoughts and experience but I just cant find the anger.

[Teddy007]

This has nothing to do with age. If you are 20,30 or 60 it still stings and is so hard to go through. I truly feel for you, i am on my own healing journey as well and some days are just so hard, in time things will get better. Just need to remember to be kind to yourself.

And yes this place helps. No one can truly understand what we are feeling and going through when they haven´t been in an abusive relationship. This place is really a blessing, i always come here when im feeling really down.

And it always helps. Today is not a good day for me, and when it feels like it does today i watch you tube clips about new supply, bordeline, narcs and so on. It helps for me maybe it will help you also.

[confusedbybdp]

 
Dear Otherlife...from across the pond,

I am sorry to hear that the UK does not have many resources for those with BPD or their partners and ex-partners.  However, this site is probably better for knowledge and support than any of us can find elsewhere, no matter what country we are living in.  So, that's the good news!

I went back and read all of your posts that I could find so that I could better understand your story.

I found the post regarding the "lonely child" and the "abandoned child" fascinating.  This statement really stood out: 

Radical acceptance comes when you realize that what was mirrored really wasn’t you- it was what *you wanted others to give to you*   It was <<Understanding.>> Try to give that to yourself.

This resonated with me. I remember telling a dear friend that my now ex-uBPDbf was "just like me, only he's a man!"  If I had only known the importance/danger of what I had said...but we don't know do we?  Their world and thinking are so "foreign" to us.  We cannot fathom it. 

When all was said and done, and the relationship was over, and my heart was in tatters, I thought back on this remark.  I thought, "my gosh!  I was in love with myself all along!"  He didn't exist.  His "self" was mutable...ever-changing, depending on the personality and traits of the person he needed to mirror.

In my heart of hearts, I have often wished that I could meet someone, as a friend or romantic partner, who could give me what I need...a kind heart, compassion, understanding, and gentleness.  Those are my traits, and here I am wanting to be given them by another!

But what the quote is saying is that what my exbf mirrored was not ME, but rather it was what I wanted others to give me.  But those ARE my traits...I seem to be going in circles!  Yikes!  I thought I had it figured out for a moment!   

[otherlife]

Hi Teddy027 so sorry to hear today is not a good day, same here for me.  I too spend my down days looking at Youtube clips etc somehow it calms me down but not sure why.  I still think I am looking for greater understanding or perhaps re enforced acceptance ..maybe that's it ..it helps to know I am not alone but then that feels wrong because I would not wish this situation we find ourselves in on anyone.  Its a living nightmare that I just can't seem to wake up from.   Just know I'm thinking of you and dearly hope you find health and peace.

[otherlife]

Hi ConfusedbyBPD - from across the pond

Yikes yes thats how I feel - I'm going round in circles your comments
"In my heart of hearts, I have often wished that I could meet someone, as a friend or romantic partner, who could give me what I need...a kind heart, compassion, understanding, and gentleness.  Those are my traits, and here I am wanting to be given them by another!

But what the quote is saying is that what my exbf mirrored was not ME, but rather it was what I wanted others to give me.  But those ARE my traits...I seem to be going in circles!  Yikes!  I thought I had it figured out for a moment!"
Those are the things I wanted and those are the my traits, its all so confusing.   My ex certainly mirrored those traits and thats what keeps me in sadness because he was so kind and gentle but know I just dont know.  He thankfully never got violent but his abuse was more distancing, leading double life but always very polite and  quite even when highly stressed.   Looking back he had great insight but so wanted to keep his secret from me and the world so treatment was never on the agenda for him.   Me I am willing to try anything to get healthy I hate how I feel as if I am in  black hole but I am sure the key to my journey lies somewhere in the lonley child/caretaker/fixer but I just cant figure it all out.  I am going to start working my way through the lessons on here hopefully that will help.
Thank you for reading my post and replying with insight.

[Hidden Dragon]

Otherwise,

I recommend you also to look for attachement styles/theory in general. Interesting info can be found under these links.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201904/how-anxious-attachment-style-affects-relationships

Maybe you'll find more hints for you. BP is "avoidant", you can look up how you fit to this...

Cheers.

[otherlife]

Hidden Dragon Thank you for the links I will certainly look at them and hopefully find more clues to answer my questions.  However the more I learn the more questions I have but I assume thats all part of the process but it does help having the support on the people on this board.