New here...alcoholic spouse..thinking BPD also involved.

[Reidelsk8]

Been together 32+ yrs.  Kids grown and on their own.  Extent of alcohol problem became apparent over last 3 yrs when he stopped traveling for biz.  He broke through denial about 8 mos ago but won't stick with any particular program or treatment.  Does not seem to totally accept that he is not able to dial back behavior to control vs. abstain the substance abuse.  Also has compulsive personality tendencies.  Started seeing therapist a few months ago.  Therapist does not have expertise in treating addiction but does treat compulsion.  Therapy was helping with his bottled up emotions up until 2 weeks ago and now he seems to have regressed into his non communicative shell again.  He displays 2 different personalities: one to the outside world and one to me.  I had not considered BPD until I stumbled on this forum and articles and I'm seeing that he has many of the BPD hallmarks. Upon reflection I can see that some of them have always been present, but were kept under better control in years gone by.  Looking for next steps advice on 2 particular issues: 1) I can't abide dishonesty.  He frequently lies about his drinking (and other things that I find more upsetting). I've conveyed that truth telling about everything all the time is for me the bedrock of a relationship and my expectation from him.  How do I encourage more honesty?  When he is honest (inconsistently), I remain calm and reasoned in my response, I do not criticize or get enraged...but this does not seem to encourage a better climate for more consistent truth. 2) Thus far, based on what he shares about therapy, his focus seems to be on our marriage relationship and his family relationships, and not on his compulsive behavior or addiction.  I feel like I am being cast as the scapegoat for what he'd admit to as his negative behaviors.  I thought his problems were driven by alcoholism and compulsiveness...until I read about BPD.  Is there any likelihood at all this his therapist might see what's really the issue?  Is there any way that I can support him in ensuring he's getting the right care?  I think he's been reasonably honest with the therapist about a lot of his concerns...but probably not completely. He's really awful at communicating in intimate relationships (and acknowledges this).  He had been making great (if painful) progress on better communication until 2 weeks ago and is now back in his shell.  I've tried to get him to explain what happened. What was the catalyst? He can't or won't explain.  Advice on what I can do to encourage a better home life given the description?

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[Ozzie101]

Welcome, Reidelsk8!

BPD can be bewildering, I know. He may or may not have it, but, regardless, if he's showing symptoms, we can help you with skills and experience to navigate.

For dealing with the alcohol, you'll find that substance abuse is very common in pwBPD. I know other members have found much help and support by attending Al Anon meetings. Have you considered that or looked into it?

On the dishonesty, I'm not sure from your post exactly what he's been dishonest about (other than drinking) but one hallmark of BPD is that for pwBPD, feelings usually equal facts. When he's dysregulating, I've seen my H make enormous leaps of logic, twist facts, or completely misrepresent a situation. It's not that he's necessarily intending to lie. It's that his feelings are so strong, so painful, that his brain twists reality to make it more acceptable and ease the pain. Sounds and seems completely ridiculous and irrational to us Nons, but it is their reality. Just something to keep in mind.

In the case of the drinking, pwBPD often have a very strong/overactive sense of shame. Just spitballing here and I could be wrong -- he may well know that his drinking is a problem and he can't face the guilt. So, he lies. Some pwBPD will project (for instance, say YOU have the drinking problem).

This is not to excuse him. Just to explain what might be going on.

Will his therapist figure it out? I don't know. BPD is notoriously difficult to diagnose and this board is full of stories of people whose loved ones were able to "smoke" their trained therapist. Unless the therapist is trained in personality disorders, it's very possible the diagnosis would slip right by.

Whether he's ever diagnosed or not, there are things you can do. There are a lot of skills and experience we have that we can share with you if you're interested. When you feel like it, perhaps you can share a recent example of an incident -- sort of a he said/she said play-by-play. Details really help us get a handle on the situation and help us see what tools might be most helpful to you.

Again, welcome!

[Panda39]

Hi Reidelsk8,

Welcome to the group  I'm glad you found us and have shared some of your story.  I'm on these boards because my partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) but I also come from an alcoholic past marriage.

I found BPD by googling "chronic lying" regarding my Partner's ex.  So I know what you mean about the dishonesty.  I could not understand it, often there was no reason to do it, or it was blatantly obvious it was a lie.
 
There are a lot of things at the bottom of BPD, the biggest being fear of abandonment and the other would be shame.  So in my case for example, my partner left his wife that was a done deal, but they had 2 daughters.  Mom repeatedly told their daughters that she was going to buy a house.  In spite of not working (she received $1,200 monthly in alimony and child support).  She was afraid she would loose her daughters (fear of abandonment) and she was ashamed that she could not provide the life-style she thought they should have, so she lied.  The lying was never about hurting anyone else (though it most definitely did) it was about managing her own feelings.  She also used prescription pain drugs to manage her emotional pain as I suspect your husband is using alcohol.

I've pulled some information on BPD vs Alcoholism that you might find interesting...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=96965.0

I've also pulled information on the Do's & Don'ts of a BPD Relationship for you to check out... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

I encourage you to read about BPD if you haven't already a couple of books I like are...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

Keep posting and reading here, I have found this site and it's members incredibly helpful.  Hang in there, you are not alone we all "get it" here.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Reidelsk8]

Thank you both.  This is helpful.  Just read some of the links.  Hmmm, my uBPDH had an alcoholic mother and maternal grandparents.  He's also extremely passive aggressive, which makes communicating all the more challenging.  I'll continue to educate myself.  If nothing else, this is helping solve some of the mysteries/puzzles I'm dealing with.