I'm confused and sad and have no idea what I am doing

[feelingsad]

Hello,

My husband (we've been married 21 years) has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but when I read about it, I finally felt like something made sense. He has had emotional issues for years - feeling angry and having irrational emotional outbursts. about 15 years ago, he went to a psychiatrist who said he was depressed and prescribed anti-depressants. That seemed to work for a while, he said that it gave him a split second or two to decide if he really needed to lose his tempter.

Since then, he has been up and down but mostly stable. But the last two years have been hell. He has had some insane outbursts including:
1. First huge outburst - telling me at a party that he hates me so (expletive) much because I was talking to a friend while someone was singing and apparently he thought it was rude. Then he stormed out and began and texting me that he hates me, would divorce me, and that he had locked me out of our house. I had to go stay with a friend - who was very sweet about it, but it was awful. I was also terrified because he was acting so crazy and our son was home at the time. I didn't want him to take out his anger on our son.

2. Another one - he went out with friends and got very drunk (alcohol plays a LOT into his outbursts). At about 10 pm, I texted and asked if he wanted a ride home because I needed to go to bed - I had work the next day. He said no, he would figure something out so I went to bed. Then at about 2:00 am, my son came into my room - he said "dad keeps calling me and telling me to make you answer your phone". He had been trying to call, but I have a do not disturb on my phone after 10:30 pm for workdays. When I called him back, he started calling me horrible names, and telling me what a B*#$ I was for not answering the phone to pick him up. When he got home, he spent an hour walking around the house screaming at me. I left our room and went to the guest room, and he thought I was in our son's room. He went in there and ranted to him as well - saying "your mom is a c#$%" and other awful words. The next day he still thought that I was being unreasonable for not waking up and driving 20 minutes away to pick him up. There are plenty of cabs and Ubers where he was so he wasn't stuck. He just thought that I should be waiting at the ready to get him - no matter what time it was.

3. I hate going on road trips with him because he will yell at me and berate me if I do not give the right directions - calling me stupid and other names, even in front of our son. If we use google maps, it's still my fault if we get lost. He yells at other people on the road - they're all idiots apparently. He is constantly angry at our son, but tells me to deal with it because he says our son doesn't listen to him. He is always accusing our son of doing things that he hasn't done (getting drunk, smoking, lying, etc.) I want to present a united front with my husband but also need to protect our son from this anger so I find myself defending our son which makes him even madder.

There are so many other stories, but this is enough for now. Here is why I am writing. I have been using the workbook "walking on eggshells" and am working on boundaries. As I said, alcohol is always a problem - when he drinks I get terrified and can act insane. On one recent trip to Spain, he locked me out of our apartment because I told him not to grab my breast in public.

So, I told him that when he was drunk he gets very affectionate. And that's great, but if I don't respond in the appropriate way, he gets extremely angry. And it's hard to respond in the appropriate way because I'm terrified of not doing the right thing. So - when he drinks, let's be more friendly and less lovey. Well - I could tell that hurt his feelings, and I tried to talk to him about it two days later. Telling him that this was just a drinking thing - and it's because I am afraid that I'll do or say something to set him off. That turned into a big fight - He says that I only think about myself. That if I knew his feelings were hurt I should just apologize. I started getting angry because he wasn't listening. I just said that when he drinks he gets overwhelming and I am afraid. He still wouldn't listen and then said I was mad at him for having hurt feelings. I feel like I'm going insane. That's not what happened at all. I am mad that I can't tell him my feelings without him then having hurt feelings!

I AM sorry that I hurt his feelings, but I am not sorry for saying what I need to happen when he drinks. So how do you apologize. Saying "sorry you are sad, but I meant what I said" isn't really an apology.

For the record, he is also working on a workbook about BPD. He is definitely open to suggestion about why he acts the way he does. Unfortunately, he seems unwilling to stop drinking (I have asked so many times) and seeing a therapist is hard because we live in another country and I haven't found an english speaking therapist any closer than a 90 minute drive away. Plus, I don't think he wants to talk to someone. I would love to go on my own and loved the woman that I went to (twice) but it took about 4 hours out of my day to drive there, meet, and drive back and I can't do that on a regular basis because I work. 

Did I share my boundary incorrectly? He was going out drinking and I was supposed to meet up with him, his friend, and his friend's wife (who is a very good friend of mine) after work so I told him this before he went because I was scared what would happen if I didn't.

He's now super mad at me because I got upset that he didn't understand. He's hurt because I don't want him to be all sloppy and lovey with me when he's drunk - and apparently thinks that means I want no affection at all. He says that he's spending all this time working on himself - that I need to work on me. He says I'm selfish, and I don't care about his feelings. When he gets mad, he's so mean to me - he says the most hurtful things he can. And he does it on purpose - he said "if you hurt me, I get to hurt you". So - even if he has a point, once he starts attacking me, I stop being sorry for whatever it is that I've done. I'm just pissed that he's so mean and incapable of telling me what's wrong without attacking.

We seem to be digging ourselves deeper and deeper into a pit and I don't know how to get out. I don't want to divorce, I do love him. But I also don't want to be in a relationship that feels so unstable. I want my son to know what a fun dad he has, but he spends a lot of time stressed out because he feels attacked.

So - I've rambled a bit. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to set boundaries without being hurtful. And without bringing the past up. I am triggered into a lot of anxiety when we're in a situation that might set him off, but I can't tell him that it was previous similar incidents that set him off which is why I'm anxious. I'm supposed to just let it go and move on.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm feeling very very desperate right now. Things seem to be getting better, and then boom - it's all bad again (like today).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome feelingsad!

I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you've found us. We're a supportive community that "gets it" and we've got a lot of skills and experience we can share with you. I know this group was a life-saver to me when I found it last year.

So much of what you wrote is familiar. While my H isn't as extreme as yours, alcohol definitely "enhances" his BPD tendencies. And he can be extremely hurtful and defensive about things. I, too, have been on the receiving end of the "I hate you" comments and the accusations of selfishness and insensitivity.

A lot of that is manipulation and projection -- hard to see in the moment when we're emotional, but it's there. As you've probably learned, for pwBPD, feelings=facts. And their feelings are often more extreme than they are for us Nons. They have trouble regulating and managing those emotions, so they spill out -- often at the people closest to them. Something that would be a minor sunburn to you can feel like a third-degree burn to him. So, a slight criticism that you would take as "This is something you might want to work on," he may take as "You're an awful, terrible person and I hate you." Hard for us to wrap our heads around, but there it is.

One thing I learned was that a lot of the things I was doing were actually making things worse. For instance, I did a lot of JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain). Have you read much about communication styles like SET and DEARMAN? We have some workshops here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

I'd also recommend you read these, if you haven't already:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Anyway, there's a lot to sort through and I know it can be overwhelming. But that's what we're here for -- to help each other navigate these waters. When you take a look at those links, I hope you'll let us know what you think -- if you think they may be helpful to you.

Keep posting!

[feelingsad]

Thank you Ozzie! When I went to the therapist, I was begging her to tell me what I was doing wrong so I could fix it. I know that sometimes I react - it's not always easy to just let things go. And sometimes it's so frustrating, I don't want to walk on eggshells but I have to swallow all my feelings and emotions otherwise things go sideways.

And for him, it can't be easy. I know I'm not perfect, and he does have the right to be upset with me from time to time - but when he is, his anger and tantrums are so over the top that I almost immediately stop being sorry for whatever it is that I did that made him upset in the first place. If he could talk to me calmly, I would be much more likely to feel any sort of remorse.

An example. He's very controlling about our banking. He insists that he needs to receive every single receipt for purchases so he can put it into his "system". I have no idea why, he doesn't use the information in the system for budgeting or anything else. He just really needs it there. Sometimes I forget to give him receipts. It's an easy enough thing to do - I have no idea why I forget, but it makes him super mad. I would be genuinely sorry for this, but he starts calling me names and making sweeping generalizations about my personality, my upbringing, my commitment to the relationship that end up not being sorry at all. And that's not right either.

I will go through the resources you posted above -thank you!
 

[Ozzie101]

The receipts issue sounds to me like a form of control and manipulation. Very common, unfortunately.

And for him, it can't be easy. I know I'm not perfect, and he does have the right to be upset with me from time to time - but when he is, his anger and tantrums are so over the top that I almost immediately stop being sorry for whatever it is that I did that made him upset in the first place. If he could talk to me calmly, I would be much more likely to feel any sort of remorse.

This sounds like something I could write, very easily. But one thing that's been pointed out to me and to others is the danger of falling into the "he has a point" trap. One thing that makes our conflicts with loved ones so problematic is that there's often a grain of truth in what they say. That makes it easier for them to turn our heads around, or for their more extreme and sometimes emotionally/verbally abusive comments to get through the door. Might he have a point? Yes. But his methods are unacceptable. And that's what needs to be stopped.

How to stop it? That depends on the situation since each person and relationship is different.

How do you usually respond when he starts calling names and making accusations?

[strugglingBF]

#1 struck a huge chord with me.  I was at a tailgate with my uBPgf a couple weekends ago.  There was a very annoying drunk girl there that was rambling on about everything under the sun extremely loudly.  She literally would not stop talking.  I got disinterested and stopped participating in the conversation, but I didn't walk off.  I started looking around while she was talking.  There was 4-5 of us in this conversation circle.  The entire way home i was scolded by my GF for how rude it was to look around while she was talking.  It literally destroyed the rest of the day and i was told how crappy of a person I am for not paying attention to this girl the entire time.  I was told, "I don't want to be with someone that rude".  I was forced to apologize to my GF for making her feel awkward.  This talking girl had no idea whether or not I was paying attention to her, and I rejoined every once in a while with a "uh huh" just like everyone else that was listening to her.  

[feelingsad]

Ozzie - I used to get angry and yell back to stop calling me names. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine, and because he knows it bothers me, he does it more. Now I'm just kind of numb because I can't do anything to stop it. So I just say - sorry I didn't give you the receipts, and walk away. It can be exhausting.

[Ozzie101]

Yes, yelling back most likely won't help. It just escalates the situation (or does in my case). This would be a good place for boundaries and communication techniques I listed above. Walking away is sometimes the best thing you can do. But, you're right -- it is exhausting.

[feelingsad]

Struggling,
I understand completely what you went through. I don't know if it is the same for you, but my husband is so charming to waiters, the person he pays at the gas station, the girl at the check-out at the grocery store. He always puts them in front of everyone else. He gives them the benefit of the doubt on everything. "Oh - you charged me twice for my meal - no worries! Let me tip you extra because you had to go back and change the receipt..." But when I make a mistake he says - "mistakes are just you being careless". I told him once that I didn't want to be his wife, I would rather be the waiter at the restaurant because he's so much nicer to that person. He's always worried about everyone else's feelings, but I don't think he thinks I HAVE feelings...

[feelingsad]

Ozzie - I have been the calm, accepting one for so long and I'm just tired. I feel like I'm going crazy because half the time I have no idea what I did wrong - when I was trying to do everything right. I want to help him, I love him, and I also resent the fact that I don't get to have my own feelings. I spend so much time validating his feelings, and if I'm upset, I'm either being unreasonable for attacking.

I do feel super lucky that I have a lot of friends, and a sister that I can vent to. But I also just want to figure out how to work with what we have, without losing myself.

[Ozzie101]

Oh feelingsad, I empathize so much. So often I've been left utterly confused and confounded by what I might have done to provoke such a response. Before learning about BPD, I believed I must be an awful person and failed utterly as a wife.

The resentment -- I get it. It bubbles up in me, too, from time to time. And it can be toxic to a relationship. Self-care is a big part of dealing with this. That's wonderful that you have a good support system. So important to have! Do you have any other ways of "filling your cup"? Hobbies? Things you enjoy doing that make you feel stronger?

The links I gave you do have some valuable info and skills that can help you here. I know they've helped me. It takes patience and effort and it's not something that improves overnight, but it can, over time, make a difference. Like I said, take a look when you have the time and let us know your thoughts and if you think they might work for you.