Shattered

[Vivian01]

I’m a newcomer to this supportive site, my second post.  I have been married for 12 yrs. and I don’t know really how I’ve survived this long.  We have 3 daughters, 6,11, and 18. The 6 ad 11 are Autistic. The 6 is moderately and diagnosed a year ago. The 11 recently diagnosed but is mild.  I’m a stay at home mom for 12 yrs.  I go to therapy 2 times a week right now to have support and keep my sanity.  Recently, it has become too hard to try and keep everything together.  I have a lot on my plate and do everything inside the home, kids, school, finances and such. I just can’t hold it up any longer by myself without having support or someone to lean on when I need it.

The constant life of being on a roller coaster, not knowing which persona will be present day to day, the moods all over the place at times, being treated in a disrespectful way, being called names, and talked down to has I believe completely shattered me as a person.  When it’s good it’s good but it’s a cycle.  I’ve almost finished listening to Stop Walking on Eggshells and use and apply methods/ways recommended and have been for the most part successful.  I’ve listened to and read information about the disorder to gain as much insight and knowledge as I can. As you know that takes a lot of energy from the nonbp.  You have to be in the right mindset to have these methods work.  There’s no room for error for the nonbp. I am human and I’m not perfect, and boy when you are human they never let you forget it! I just have an issue for when you are told you hold things over their head or never forgetting stuff but in fact it’s whats being done to you! I’m not okay with that anymore.

Hearing and going through all that for the 12 years before has done I think irreparable damage to me. When you’re told all these ugly mean horrible things when he is being impulsive it does something to you mentally. Then later sometimes say he really didn’t mean those things. But when it happens again and again the same things that were told to you that weren’t “true” just can’t be erased and damage is done. I don’t believe the words of I’m sorry or I didn’t really mean it anymore.  

In October 2017 husband and I were on our way to celebrate our 10th anniversary at the beach. We never made it there. We were involved in a car wreck involving 2 fatalities.  The couple who pulled out crossing over a highway were 94 & 92 years old. The roads were wet and it was still lightly raining, our car ended up on it’s left side. I was dangling from my seatbelt and had to be carried out by my husband. My right ankle was broken and my left knee ACL was torn severely and my miniscus also torn.  That was a rough time for both of us. He was uninjured but being the driver suffered trauma. An old friend of mine that I haven’t spoken to in a long while who also met while playing tennis called and offered support. For about the next 6-8 weeks came by bringing food and visiting. Which ended up spending Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas with us and our 3 girls. At the end of December 2017 he had been drinking as his usual but one of the 3 not good personas surfaced. He had an unprovoked rage that wasn’t good at all. In this rage shouted out I don’t love him and he has someone that loves him and he loves back. Went on to say for the past 2 years! As you know borderlines can say things that aren’t true or exaggerated.  I thought it was one of those times. This “friend” of mine ended up picking him up and went over there for the night. I was upset and beside myself not even understanding why any of this was happening. Before he left either he said he wanted a divorce and I agreed or it was vice versa. After he left he excessively kept calling me yelling being ugly demanding that we figure out right then and there about paying him money for the house. Which I told him talk about that later and now wasn’t the time. He wasn’t having any of that. I ended up hanging up to avoid being yelled at and being treated badly. He kept calling but I didn’t answer. My friend texted me saying please answer his call. I responded with he said y’all been together for the past 2 years. I got no response! I was hoping I would be told no it isn’t true. Needless to say the next day I found out it was true.

My world had just crumbled! Being betrayed like that was absolutely the worst feeling. I was a mess for a long while. I don’t drink but I did that next day. I was a mess. He called came by and I remember crying saying I can’t compete with that, I’m not single I have 3 kids. He put me on the spot asking if I wanted our relationship or for him to leave. Well obviously who wouldn’t want to keep their family together, I had children involved. I wasn’t given any time to think or anything, I chose to fight for our family.

That was the beginning of a really hard time for me. I was sick to my stomach all the time and had anxiety attacks due from all of this betrayal and her coming into my home spending those weeks and holidays at my home all awhile in my face.  He was nice for about 2-3 months but it seemed all went back to “normal”. It was really hard for me, I started seeing a therapist since then. It was really helpful but I didn’t really get the support anymore outside of a short period from him. It was like it was done and like it’s over you should be fine! So because of that I never really processed it in a normal way. It took a long time for me, because I was still recovering from injuries and was at home all the time. Shortly after a few months I had my yearly woman checkup. I found out that I had a STD possibly could be cancerous. I was devastated again, another set back to my healing.  Thank god it was one that your body fights off and heals on its own. But for the next 12 months would have to use protection.

Fast forward. Almost 2 years later I still do not trust him and still have flashbacks from time to time. It hasn’t been an easy road for me. If I had known that things would just go back to the way they were or I would later down the road find out he was a borderline, well who knows.

So today when I’m putting all that energy into trying to keep the family together and doing all I can to be a good supporter, it’s just harder you know. Because I’ve had all that happen and somehow I still find it difficult to be okay with being treated and called these things and have things held over my head that are normal disagreements or just normal human things blown out of proportion to swallow. Because BP don’t have the self reflection to see what’s happening of what he is doing.

I’ve had heart to heart with my 11 & 18 year old to tell them what BP is and everything that goes with it, 6 is too little to understand. But me and the girls it’s difficult for us and I think we just want to be happy and not be stressed or worried what will he misinterpret today. I usually get the brunt of anything. It won’t be at the kids. Except his outbursts or impulsiveness would be to say ugly things about Ella or to my older one.

My 11 year old said the other day when we found out he was secretly keeping a bottle of whiskey in the room say, when is he leaving again? I said who she said dad. Young kids are quite smart. She said on her own, why does he play the victim! I didn’t know what to say because I thought that was a great observation on her part. She is very intelligent.

For the past 2 days I just try to avoid him because our last argument said things and did things that I’m not going to take responsibility for. Trying to make me feel like I’m the bad guy and I treat him badly. That just isn’t the case.

Thanks for listening to what I’ve held inside and not shared outside of my therapy. Never to others who deal with or understand. Thank you.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

I'm sorry, Vivian! You really do have so much to deal with: taking care of your home and children (including two with special needs -- I have an autistic niece aged 5 so I have some idea of the stress and worry that can go with that), dealing with your own trauma from your accident, the horrible betrayal. That would be a lot for most people but adding in a BPD relationship?

I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy. That can really do a lot to help us keep going.

This forum is a great outlet -- for all of us. It's a safe place to vent and let out all the experiences and feelings we have inside that we can't share with others. It's been a godsend to me.

The fight a couple of days ago -- was that the one related to his drinking? I know his claims of you treating him badly are an ongoing theme.

When you feel like it, perhaps you can give sort of a he said/she said account of an incident? How do you usually respond when he accuses you of treating him badly?

Details help us get a handle on things and help us see what tools might be useful to you. BPD can't be cured, but I and others here have found that there are things we can do differently that, over time, can start to have a positive impact.

[pursuingJoy]

Vivian01, my heart goes out to you my friend! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us here. I get it.   I had 3 kids and survived an emotionally destructive relationship. It broke my heart to live through it. As sad as I felt all the time, I really loved him and I didn't want it to end. It's a lot to wrestle with what it means to care for yourself, care for your children, and care for your spouse when you feel utterly exhausted and your heart is breaking.  

So glad you're in therapy two times a week! Awesome choice! Therapy is what got me through it all, too.

Staying at home with kids is exceptionally exhausting when you have a supportive and loving partner. I was a stay at home mom with a very unsupportive, dysregulating partner for 6 years. The worst part was working 24/7 and feeling isolated from other adults. It helped a tiny bit to take up cake decorating as a hobby and to make a little money on the side. New clients became friends and I found that I had a talent for it, which boosted my self-esteem. Then I started working an 8-5 job and I learned that people take breaks and get an hour for lunch at work. I couldn't believe my luck. Little by little I got my strength back and it helped me make decisions with a clear head.

You sound like a very interesting, insightful person so I know you're finding little ways to take care of your own interests and find joy. I'd love to hear about those things!  

I can imagine the pain you felt to discover that he was having an affair.   You're carrying a heavy load, my friend - physically and emotionally.  We are here and you're safe to vent and process your thoughts.  You have the strength to find a way through this, no matter how things play out.

Big, big hugs from another mom who's been there and survived. You can do this.
pj
 

[Vivian01]

Ozzie101, I can’t think of any examples where I can recall it off hand. I will share an example when I do:).  I did want to share these thoughts I’ve been thinking about today.

Honestly, I have been knocked down so many times with words that I just don’t see any end to it. I’ve on many occasions voiced how that has affected me.  He doesn’t change that. When on these times he aims to go all out with hurtful words and things, when does responsibility lie on his part.?  Being blamed by him that it’s my fault or that I hold any responsibility as to words he chooses to say, I’m not okay with anymore.  I’m not sure if I mentioned In the post that for awhile he blamed me for him having this other relationship for 2 years!  It took me a few months to say no that was your choice. Over the past 12 years hearing these things countless times took a small piece of me each time and now I just feel empty. Does anyone relate to that feeling? 

I have been successful detaching with love before. But my partner knows everything about me, knows where to punch me. I at times have been able to brush it off.  I can’t and won’t carry the torch alone of being the one that realizes he suffers from BPD.  One person can’t work it alone. I know because I tried for awhile. He doesn’t want to acknowledge BPD. He said to me once, men can’t have BPD! I was like what!

[Vivian01]

Sorry for some reason the rest didn’t show up. This belonged with the one I just posted.

Raising kids and ones that have special needs has got to come first.  As you know invalidation is like a trigger for BPD, children/kids constantly invalidate their parents. It’s what being a child is all about. So I have to hear that a lot from him about the kids, I have to stop and remind him they are kids, they don’t understand or really put much thought into what parents provide or sacrifice. But he’s not hearing any of that.  He works and I pretty much parent alone. Who takes care of me when the load is too heavy for me? It’s supposed to be my partner. But he isn’t able to do that. Even though he says I can. I worry later he will use it to throw in my face to say I’m there for you but doing it in a negative manner. Which makes me resentful and how is something that supposed to come from your heart when you love someone ever something you say hey I did this for you.

One example is that he started setting up my coffee in the morning time for the past few months. Which is great! I let him know. But if I go one day without saying it then I’m not grateful or something may be brought up about it. He started doing that as karma yoga. Karma yoga is where you do something for someone else but not for recognition.   Thing is I’ve been doing things like that for him ever since we’ve been married.  He wants what he doesn’t give or do for me. I think in time it has made me mad, angry and resentful.

So just over time it has become so exhausting that I have to live by these different set of rules. One for him (bp) and one for me. Like he has the passes to do and say whatever. Point out something I did that was wrong or how I should do it instead of how I said something...only to later on do the exact same thing and not acknowledge that.  Thing is I’m chill about human things we will do as people like no biggie. I forgive you, I understand. But I get my head on the chopping block, like how could you kind of attitude. I just can’t handle that exaggerative treatment. It’s just now the relationship between a man/woman I want.

Like I mentioned before I’ve been excited and all opened up to doing methods and whatever I could. But I’m just tired. He accomplished just literally pushing me away. Taking or beating down what was left of me.  Having oceans between us. Normally even without any bad stuff happening he isn’t a very sensitive, vulnerable, letting you in too close kind of person. So being kept at arms length in our entire relationship has not been easy. Add bp in the mix, well even harder.  Like being close a little then pulling away and around and around.

I’m not sure how anyone can live that way. It’s too hard to be close and allow yourself to let them in when it goes like that. Because my partner isn’t all hey lovey, mushy, let’s play around laugh and I don’t know be carefree. It’s not that. I’m silly like to have fun and be social and he laughs surely and watches funny things at times but just a little too serious and can be very snappy. I’m like chill seriously.

[Ozzie101]

Vivian, I can hear the frustration and exhaustion in your post. Like pursuingJoy, I get it. I've been there. Many times.

Any relationship is difficult. Add in BPD and it's a whole other story.

I, too, have felt the resentment. I've been blamed for things that aren't my fault. All because of BPD and dysregulations.

You've said that you've listened to Stop Walking on Eggshells, so I'm sure you know about the BPD facts=feelings and overactive sense of shame/insecurity that come along with it. It sounds like that's at work in your H in a big way.

I know it seems hopeless. I still feel that way from time to time myself. But change and improvement are possible. They just take time, patience and work. That's not something everyone is willing or able to do and that's OK. The important thing is to decide for yourself what you want your life to look like, how you want things to be, then do what you can to try to work toward it. That's not a guarantee you'll get there, but at least you can try. And we can help you walk through all of it -- making the decision and then following the road you choose.

PursuingJoy asked about things you do for yourself and I'd like to know that as well. Do you have any hobbies? Anything you enjoy doing that you're able to do to "fill your cup"?

[Vivian01]

Hi, I don’t have a lot of time for myself, I go to therapy 2 times a week and I try to play tennis once a week, if I’m super lucky 2 times that’s been rare. It is hard since I have all the duties on my plate.

May I ask, how does one stay with a pwBPD if you never know what’s true/real, meaningful and keep your sanity? That doesn’t seem very healthy for someone trying to be balanced. 

The past couple of days it’s been minimal contact since Friday. Yesterday before leaving for work says goodbye and goes to work. Came home and before went to bed hugged me. But since Friday hasn’t worn his wedding band. (Has complained in past about it being sized wrong, but wears it for the most part) to me that always speaks volumes. Then since Sunday has picked back to doing his Karma Yoga of setting up the coffee machine for me.  It’s like nothing is being talked about, just coexisting, all of this is really too much, I am not a pretender and I don’t do well with ignoring what’s going on.  I’m really super depressed and I haven’t been like that too much in my life. Thank you for responding, it helps to have dialogue with others.

[Ozzie101]

It sounds like he may be moving past his dysregulation and reaching back out again in small ways. For pwBPD, no, they often don't address the issues and just go back to normal. Sometimes it's because they genuinely don't remember (it's a typical trauma response) or because they're too ashamed.

May I ask, how does one stay with a pwBPD if you never know what’s true/real, meaningful and keep your sanity? That doesn’t seem very healthy for someone trying to be balanced. 

It's not easy, as you'll see from reading other posts. I struggle with it myself quite a bit at times.

For a long time, I felt like reality was turned on its head regularly when my H would dysregulate. What really helped me was posting here and learning more about BPD and the way the BPD mind works. When you know the mechanisms at work, it's easier to resist.

For instance, my H has admitted to me that he tries to get me worked up when he's worked up. For him, that means someone else is validating his feelings. Yet, that's exactly the opposite of what's best. When I get upset in response, it just feeds his emotional instability. When I'm able to keep calm and steady, he returns to baseline much faster.

Likewise, he's told me that he deliberately uses words and phrases to trigger people (and though he didn't say so, I'm sure that includes me). Well, I've thought through what my triggers are. If he accuses me of being unhelpful or not loving him or something like that, I can see right through it for what it is and respond in a calm manner -- or not respond at all.

The thing is, with BPD, often what you're experiencing IS real and meaningful. They say they love you? In that moment, they do. They say they wish they'd never met you? In that moment, that may be true too.

Part of the key is taking care of yourself. Seeing a therapist. Keeping up your own strength. And knowing what your values and boundaries are and holding to those regardless of what happens. If you can do that, then it's easier to stay strong and upright in the storm.

It's not easy. But through learning about the disorder and about the ways we contribute to it, it is possible for things to get better.

That said, not everyone decides that that's what they want. Some decide the effort just isn't worth it. That's OK too. We're all on our own journeys and just helping each other along the way.