Christmas and triggers.

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Last year me and my BPD ex had christmas at our place. I made the food and we decorated the xmas tree. This christmas she is spending it with her rebound guy.

This has been by far one of the worse days since she left me for him. It feels like the worse day of my life...

[Teddy007]

Last year me and my BPD ex had christmas at our place. I made the food and we decorated the xmas tree. This christmas she is spending it with her rebound guy.

This has been by far one of the worse days since she left me for him. It feels like the worse day of my life...

[Rev]

Last year me and my BPD ex had christmas at our place. I made the food and we decorated the xmas tree. This christmas she is spending it with her rebound guy.

This has been by far one of the worse days since she left me for him. It feels like the worse day of my life...

Hey my brother - I am feeling funny this year too.  I am off to work tonight and I have my message ready - and I am struggling to stop wondering what she is up to. 

Let's make a deal - you and me - to hold each other up. This is a tough one for sure.

Rev

[Teddy007]

i really don´t know man... Life is so unfair. I have never felt pain like this in my whole life. Never felt so lonely ever like i am doing right now.

It just kills me that she just walked out and replaced me like nothing and all the charms after this. And now she is spending christmas with that guy...

Im just crying, crying and just cant cope no more...

[Rev]

Im just crying, crying and just cant cope no more...

Is there someone you can phone?

[Teddy007]

No not really and it feels like it wont help... I just cant get the image out of my head of her spending xmas with this new guy.. Like she has known for what? alittle under 4 months, and now she loves him? This was the last thing she told me. After the last charm she left him and wanted to come back and now not even 1 week later she wrote she loves him and that she promise she will never come back to me again and that she wont reach out...

Why, why why, the torture! Why do they do this to us? Yea and she asked if they could come to my place tomorrow to party! And i said no i just would not be able to deal with it!

She has destroyed me completele, she has taken my soul and all life out of me! I feel like i am dead allready!

[Teddy007]

as said everywhere the typical xmas charm! It is so hard to not take it personally! It really is!

[Teddy007]

What the F is wrong with me, how can i miss and want someone so much that is this cruel to me! I don´t understand what is going on inside me!

[Lady Itone]

Anyone really struggling tonight (I've been there) can you just do something to get out of your own head for a bit? I know it's not ideal, but go to anyplace you've been invited, even your boring boss's party or your less-than-perfect family or a bar that's doing a potluck. Call someone you know. It's ok if you aren't totally fun and cheerful, just BE. If none of those are options, go for a walk, look at xmas lights. Go to a church where they're singing carols. You are wanted on this earth, you belong here. I'm very sorry you're feeling alone tonight, for what it's worth. 

[2Loyal2Long]

My heart breaks for you, my uBPDh has been gone a long time and my parents are deceased.  My siblings are still quite dysfunctional.  I get your pain and you’re not alone.

For the short time I’ve been here (still new) I see a lot of compassion and support.  I came across your post and wanted you to know I’ll be lifting you in prayer (I hope that’s a helpful statement, no offense since I don’t know your feelings on the topic).

This is a hard time of year because of the focus on family so it exacerbates pain for those who’ve been discarded.

You’re not alone, an anonymous person in internet land does care, and will be praying for your peace and comfort.  So many here do really care, I see that already.

Please know you are not alone in this, many have traveled this road.  Have compassion, gentle kindness, towards yourself.  And please, step away from the Hallmark Channel!  Find an uplifting comedy to watch, take a hot bath and be good to you!

I’m going to church tonight and I’m going to focus on praying for those who are alone.  Christmas is one day, just one day.  And I promise, her life is better in your head than what’s reality.  If she’s really BPD she didn’t leave the illness behind.  She’s hurting too and coping the only way she knows how.

Keep reaching out for support and please don’t isolate.

Prayers for you, my friend.

[Teddy007]

Ty so much for all your kind words. She is somewhere between Cluster B,  maybe BPD/NPD i really don´t know. No normal person would do this! I am not really one with god and so but i am considering looking to him for help! I am not atheist either, but she is the devils work if there ever was or is one. That is for sure.

Just so hard...  Really so hard right now.. Can´t get out of my head, i tried, i went for along walk, just crying and feeling so ashamed and like i am nothing!

Small town in Finland where i live, there is nothing open here right now, everybody is at home with there love onces, i don´t have that good of a contact with my family, they would not understand this.

[Toughluck]

Hi teddy, I was in your place 2years ago. I had exactly the same situation. My ex was diagnosed with bdp.. And I learnt what it means like 6months after she left me for a another man. Ugly story continued from there, too long story to share now but...

I can say that it gets better. I had semi tough Xmas here also, but I managed to bury my bad feelings by reading stories from this Forum. It really helps, you dont want that life... In time, you start to realize that the person is poison and you would have loose yourself in that rs.

For me it is basically Only Xmas that is hard but I was discarded 2 years ago so I am already in different place mentally.

This is the hardest day. It gets easier trust me. Cry, it helps... Better to let it out. But I would suggest that you think someone you could talk to, if you cant think anyone.. Go to therapy asap, that is what I did.

Ps. I'm your fellow country man!

[Rev]

Anyone really struggling tonight (I've been there) can you just do something to get out of your own head for a bit? I know it's not ideal, but go to anyplace you've been invited, even your boring boss's party or your less-than-perfect family or a bar that's doing a potluck. Call someone you know. It's ok if you aren't totally fun and cheerful, just BE. If none of those are options, go for a walk, look at xmas lights. Go to a church where they're singing carols. You are wanted on this earth, you belong here. I'm very sorry you're feeling alone tonight, for what it's worth. 

This is great advice - as you can guess by my name, I'm leading worship tonight - my ex BPD w is also a minister - a loose cannon.  I am really struggling tonight - but the music will help.  Yes - get out of your head - find anything to be grateful for - anything even for a few hours.   It will pass - I promise - even if you are not a believer in the traditional sense of the word - know that the Christmas message is meant for us tonight.

Rev

[Toughluck]

I didn't want to sound harsh (did I?) I just meant, that I got over from the "love of my life" person... So can you, and you will. You'll learn that she is quite the opposite.

It may take time but you are stronger after this. Hang in there!

[Teddy007]

and now she writers "god jul" Merry xmas, now! nothing else! now it got even worse

[Toughluck]

and now she writers "god jul" Merry xmas, now! nothing else! now it got even worse

I can say from experience that you should do NC. Do not reply to her...it is hard but you'll thank yourself later on. If you crawl, or show your vulnerability, it is not good. Just take a step back and try to connect with someone you know..

[2Loyal2Long]

We’re your family and we do care!  Isn’t it wonderful to know that people all over the world care about you and you’re not “really” alone? 

[Teddy007]

e replied allready with 4-5 texts about last xmas, how i miss her and how much im hurting, no answer awcourse

[Teddy007]

im a fucging disaster!

[Teddy007]

just miss her so much!

[Teddy007]

and iknow its probebly a charm and now im doing what she wants again...

[2Loyal2Long]

I do understand.  Every time I reach out to my stonewalling uBPDh it confirms four things for me:

1). He won’t respond.
2). It reopens the wound.
3). He’s confirming the diagnosis my therapist suspects.
4). I’m feeding his illness and mine as well.

I have compassion for him but I have compassion for me as well.  I played a part (and sometimes still do) in this cycle.  I know I have people who care about me and I have value.  I know what I want for my life, I just can’t have it with the man I married.  One person can’t do the work for two 100% of the time.  Besides, me staying enmeshed and allowing him to control when and if we have contact makes it safe for him (think BPD) and it’s hurtful for me.  Relationships aren’t supposed to be one sided.  He evidently likes things the way they are so he has no motivation to change.  I’ve taken his emotional abuse so why would he?  I’m in a lot of pain, it’s motivating me to change me.  It’s called radical acceptance.

Don’t kick yourself, you can start over now.  I start over a lot, I’m not giving up on me.  Don’t you give up on you either.

[Teddy007]

it opens the wound, that is exactly what is happening, now i feel so much worse! And it is the same thing here, she opens the communication, she is in control all the time, and no she wont answer, she is there with the replacement guy...

And im here pooring my heart out, jeesus how pathetic it is... And so painful!

[2Loyal2Long]

And the physical and emotional pain we feel from missing them?  It’s a trauma bond and is difficult to break.  The less contact I have the better I get.  It’s only when I let him back in and he yanks the rug out from under me (yet a hundredth time) that the pain starts all over.

I’m thawing out and am gaining awareness.  Hang in there and do your best to focus on something else for a while.  I know, easier said than done but just take the action.

[2Loyal2Long]

You’re not pathetic, you’re hurting and reaching out.  I’d be no different.  Here’s an article that explains the power and control issues.  I read it earlier and it explains my husband completely.  I got caught in his web because of the dysfunction I was raised with:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

[Rev]

.

And im here pooring my heart out, jeesus how pathetic it is... And so painful!

Painful - yes... pathetic - no! Human and we are all with you... 

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Teddy, just get it out there. I am not surprised man. Holidays are a trigger for anyone. Especially for those who have been in your shoes. Hey for what it is worth...I really truly do understand. My ex wife essentially disposed of me right before thanksgiving and I knew she was with the dude who she had the affair with and for Christmas also. So for all intents and purposes I get the pain quite well. Hell man...the woman who I considered to be a dear friend who was I considering taking the step into a relationship with essentially pulled the same crap...I am actually more pissed off at her than hurt though because she essentially used me to get her moved and then involved her kid and her kid got attached to me and all the while she was keeping in contact with me she was setting up another supply. The amount of lying, disrespect and betrayal honestly still pisses me off. I loathe and despise liars! That is why I told her a$$ to go kick rocks. I personally am over the hurt.

Now I get to sit back and focus on my future with no BS, chaos, or drama to put up with and I kinda love it and wouldn't have it any other way. Now on a sinister note (pun intended ;-) I can sit here and laugh knowing my name may get brought up by grandma or someone and she will have to deal with that. LOL. Supply dude can't ever measure up to me and honestly I am pretty sure she knows that to. Its why they come back. Its all a game. So if there is any consolation...its what these disordered individuals do. It is par for the course and it is pretty predictable and common. Just don't play the game. Don't let yourself get so emotionally invested...its not worth it.

Cheers and happy holidays to you all!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

it opens the wound, that is exactly what is happening, now i feel so much worse! And it is the same thing here, she opens the communication, she is in control all the time, and no she wont answer, she is there with the replacement guy...

And im here pooring my heart out, jeesus how pathetic it is... And so painful!

Hey Teddy...no more negative self talk. Sack up amigo. Vent...that is ok. However, no more kicking your own $$ essentially. This is cathartic man so release your demons, but preserve your self at the same time. It is ok. No one is judging you here. The pain and suffering is very real. However, get away from feeling sorry for yourself. You will get through this holiday season and what I propose to you...make plans to let go of all this BS and start the new year off right. Get out all of your demons between now and the end of the year. Once the new year hits...you are at ground zero and you will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Destruction always must take place before rebirth. Keep your head up man.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Vincenta]

Hi Teddy,

Christmas almost over... how are you?

Hug,

Vincenta

[Teddy007]

Thank you all for your response. I was out with friends on x-mas day and i really did not want to go but in the last minute just changed my mind.

Today have been ups and downs, but nothing as bad as x-mas eve. I totally lost it that night. I eventually cried myself to sleep.

When i woke up on x-mas day i cleaned my flat, went for a run and gym. After this we had a nice dinner and sauna with a few friends. And then went out partying on x-mas day and i really did not want to go but in the last minute just changed my mind.
I maybe got a little too drunk but still i really had a great time did a lot of venting  and for 6-7 hours maybe more just forgot about the pain and depression. So it was a wise choice to go out and party.

But now again its night time. And right now i am feeling pretty sane if you could use that word. Lets hope there will not be more panic attacks in awhile. Don´t want to lose it like o x-mas eve.

I am really so grateful to for this place and all of you here. It is truly like a family, so happy i found this place. And with all the reading and youtube clips on the subject i think my english has improved a bit.

[SinisterComplex]

When friends mention a social event and people want you to go out...never say No. Say yes as much  as possible. It will help you move on much faster.

Keep moving forward my friend. Keep your head up.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-