After two years of no contact, do I respond to his email?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

There is a man who has preyed on me and other women ever since I have known him over many years. Two years ago, I completely cut off contact with him not responding to his emails and avoiding him when I saw him at the local park. He is a married man who regularly tries to go out with other women. I have never gone out with a married man or been attracted to him. I used to like to talk with this man in the park because we seemed to have so many unusual common interests. I have since figured out that he only pretended to be interested in what I was. I have heard enough about his sexual exploits to know that he never gives up on a woman he has put on his list to seduce, and I have been one of his targets for many years though I have made it clear I have no interest in seeing him any place outside the park. After two years of no contact, he just sent me the most charming email which most who read it would think he is a kind caring man who has similar interests to mine. Do I ignore the email like I have the ones he has sent me over the past two years or do I respond: asking him to never contact me again or try to have contact with me in the park?

[zachira]

There is a man who has preyed on me and other women ever since I have known him over many years. Two years ago, I completely cut off contact with him not responding to his emails and avoiding him when I saw him at the local park. He is a married man who regularly tries to go out with other women. I have never gone out with a married man or been attracted to him. I used to like to talk with this man in the park because we seemed to have so many unusual common interests. I have since figured out that he only pretended to be interested in what I was. I have heard enough about his sexual exploits to know that he never gives up on a woman he has put on his list to seduce, and I have been one of his targets for many years though I have made it clear I have no interest in seeing him any place outside the park. After two years of no contact, he just sent me the most charming email which most who read it would think he is a kind caring man who has similar interests to mine. Do I ignore the email like I have the ones he has sent me over the past two years or do I respond: asking him to never contact me again or try to have contact with me in the park?

[SinisterComplex]

No response necessary. Go on about your business and live your life. Its a test and a ploy to see if he can get in. Its an ego power play move more or less. If you don't take the bait he can't set the hook and reel you in.

Cheers!

-SC-

[I Am Redeemed]

I agree with SC, zachira. No response is a response.

[JNChell]

Hi, zachira. I’d definitely avoid this guy. No need to respond. Is this maybe a familiar tug towards what’s “familiar”? I understand that you’re not really interested in this guy, but the email seems to have your attention.

[Mutt]

I agree I think that it's odd to receive an email after two years. He has you as a contact and maybe he saw your name and was reminiscing and thought about sending you an email. If you send him a message and from what you have shared here ( he is very aggressive with chasing ) you're going to bring attention to yourself. You don't want that you want to make yourself a small target and hopefully soon something else will get his attention and you won't hear from him.

You're curious about why he sent the message in the first place, I'd feel perplexed too but messaging him is going to cause distress - it's not worth it.

 I agree with the others do not contact.

[zachira]

Thank you for your responses. I agree no response is a response. I deleted the email. I  believe this man has uNPD. I think he was feeling low and trying to hook me in again. It would not surprise me that he tried to contact some of his other potential conquests. I need to tell myself that this is not about me; it is about a narcissist trying to recycle which I have read often happens when the partner/spouse they rejected starts to date again. Like I said before, he never stops trying to seduce a woman that is on his list. Several years ago, I made it clear to him I was not interested in having sex with him or going any place with him outside the park. After many years of just having conversations with him and no invitations, he tried to seduce me again when I was devastated over how my family had thrown me out of Christmas two years ago. I was furious that he would try to take advantage of me at one of the lowest points in my life. What made me finally totally cut him off was when he sent me a group email which I believe was the list he uses for Christmas for all the relatives and friends, and he bragged about building himself a man cave out of town. Anybody who knows him, knows he did this so he could have a place to take his lovers. Prior to that, he often took women to his house for a fling when his wife was working. The wife has retired. I have tried to be open minded about not judging people, yet I realize some people are just toxic, totally out for themselves like some of my family members, and sooner or later things are going to get nasty. I asked myself why now? I got myself into this situation many years ago when I had extremely poor boundaries. I have gotten really good at saying no to people who aren't good news. I am still working on not getting upset when someone mistreats me. I am a work in progress. The key is to walk away once someone shows their true colors before there is really any emotional attachment. I have many fine friends who would never treat me this way.

[SinisterComplex]

"I am still working on not getting upset when someone mistreats me. I am a work in progress. The key is to walk away once someone shows their true colors before there is really any emotional attachment. I have many fine friends who would never treat me this way."

Keep in mind...no matter how much experience, how intelligent you are, no matter how much training and education you have there will still be those who dupe you and hurt you. Its life and we are human and you want to believe and you want to see the good in people. Even if you get hurt you just have to learn to not let it hurt for too long and accept the fact that for all the good ones you let in that there will be those POS's that slip in from time to time. Its life. Cherish the good ones and hold onto them. Learn from the bad ones and become a better version of yourself.

And for the record...no one is complete. We are all a work in progress.

Cheers!

-SC-

[zachira]

SC,
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. Yes, we can still get duped, and with awareness and good boundaries the times we are duped become less and less. I have many relatives with BPD and some with NPD. I have learned to pay attention to if the body language is genuine and if the whole body is sending the same message. For example, if the lips are smiling, and the eyes look dull, than the person is trying to pretend to be happy and possibly impress others. I also now pay attention to if there is a good emotional connection and if the conversation if reciprocal. On Christmas Day, my cousin put me on the phone with another cousin who goes into endless monologues without any reciprocity, and I immediately made an excuse to get off the phone with him. I have enough disordered family members in which the relationships are all one sided, so when I have a choice I do not engage with people who are self absorbed and never ask anything about me.

[JNChell]

Hi again, z.

I asked myself why now? I got myself into this situation many years ago when I had extremely poor boundaries.

This statement got me thinking a bit. He severely disrespected you a couple years ago when you were completely vulnerable during Christmas. He’s back, during Christmas. Who knows why or how calculated he is. It is suspicious to say the least, but he can live in his world and you can live in your’s. He’ll find someone else to bother in his address book.

Your boundaries are very strong now and you’re very self aware. I pay attention to body language as well. It’s very telling. One of those little gifts we acquired, I guess.

[NorseWoman]

Yes, you can ignore and delete his emails.
 You can also block his email address.

[Timberwolf]

Ghost like the wind buddy .

[zachira]

I have started to run into this guy again at the park, three times recently and I have ignored him. He has written me another email this time apologizing for anything he has done wrong. I know full well he has NPD and he is trying to hook me back into him. I deleted this email like you advised me to do with the last one: as someone said no response is a response. I feel sorry for people who are so vulnerable to this type of person with NPD who acts like they are generally sorry when really they have no capacity for empathy. Thank you for helping me on this one several months ago. This is just an update. I suspect he won't give up just because he has his list of women he wants to seduce and dump, and I happen to be one of them. I now value myself too much to even want to be around him. I never was tempted to go out with him or attracted to him, as I don't go out with married men. He had me fooled for awhile that he shared all of my particular interests like languages, travel, business, and health.  I finally figured out he is just a narcissistic sex addict that loves to be idealized by vulnerable women that he can easily manipulate. Thank you everyone for your help on this one!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Zachira-

Stay your course, my friend.  NPD’s are a destructive “breed”, and that abuse is really hard to recover from... you know this.

You can practice “social distancing” Times 1000 with this guy.  “Don’t stand so close to me”. - ever!  Correct?

All my best to you, Z

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Cromwell]

Avoid like the plague, his emails too. If 2 years have elapsed, any one in their right mind would know that the other person is not interested in communicating. Just trying his luck, it is a numbers game and opportunism, not dissimilar to mass-marketing emails, spam, etc, the type who do that are more or less made of the same fraud-mindset.

ignore his very existence and forget about it just as fast.

[zachira]

Yesterday while out walking in the neighborhood near the entrance to the park closed due to the coronavirus, I quickly crossed the street to avoid running into this man who is leaving the park and whom I have refused to have any contact with either in person or by email for over two years. I suddenly feel that my feelings about this man having NPD are fully validated. He is a retired doctor yet he feels that he deserves to go to the closed park while  most people are being responsable and doing what they can to protect themselves and others from getting the coronavirus.
It leaves me with some thoughts. I think it is hard when we are scapegoated and smeared by our family members to not be like them while seeking validation from others about our experiences with disordered people who are like our family members. There are many people at the park who know this man yet I have reframed from discussing him with them as I need to respect their experiences and don't want to force my views of him on them. At the same time, I often want to hear that others experience these disordered people similarly to the way I do. It is like I don't trust myself sometimes to perceive people for who they are and to make the right decisions about what kind of interaction is best for me and best for them. In this case, I have definitely made the right decision to go no contact with this man.

[SinisterComplex]

Yesterday while out walking in the neighborhood near the entrance to the park closed due to the coronavirus, I quickly crossed the street to avoid running into this man who is leaving the park and whom I have refused to have any contact with either in person or by email for over two years. I suddenly feel that my feelings about this man having NPD are fully validated. He is a retired doctor yet he feels that he deserves to go to the closed park while  most people are being responsable and doing what they can to protect themselves and others from getting the coronavirus.
It leaves me with some thoughts. I think it is hard when we are scapegoated and smeared by our family members to not be like them while seeking validation from others about our experiences with disordered people who are like our family members. There are many people at the park who know this man yet I have reframed from discussing him with them as I need to respect their experiences and don't want to force my views of him on them. At the same time, I often want to hear that others experience these disordered people similarly to the way I do. It is like I don't trust myself sometimes to perceive people for who they are and to make the right decisions about what kind of interaction is best for me and best for them. In this case, I have definitely made the right decision to go no contact with this man.

Your experience is all that matters. You can't worry about others and their experiences. Just do YOU. To reassure you...yes you have made the right decision. 100%. Just go about your business and don't give this anymore thought. Its more effort than it deserves and is necessary. Focus on you, believe in you, and trust in yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Cromwell]

Zachira, it sounds like you have been triggered by him and there is (I pick up) a noticeable amount of anxiety about seeing him? Having to quickly get away to avoid him and so forth.

He may have NPD, he may not, he may just be an arrogant retired doctor who is fed up with sex life with his wife and is opportunistic to find something on the side to spice things up.

When I find myself triggered it starts the anxiety cascade and the more it goes on the more I can see horns on that person's head. I find myself having to really try and stay centred to accept that I dont really know on a rational level but it does not matter, I dont need to evidence gather up proof to keep my distance and not communicate, it is my right not to, if an interaction or suspicions are there that make me feel uncomfortable around someone.

I spent a long time in relationships trying to wait for the smoking gun bit of evidence I needed to say "got ya" no-way out of this one.

im not sure why, there was nothing to stop me leaving at the moment I got the feeling "somethings not right here" and feel that this, by itself, is very significant and important validation by itself that maybe the relationship is no longer the right thing anymore.

[zachira]

Got an email from him yesterday. I deleted it without reading it. I think he does not have his usual opportunities to pick up women with the pandemic so he is more desperate than usual. I wish he would just leave me alone. In the meantime, I am not wasting my emotional energy on reading his emails.

[zachira]

Cromwell,
You are right the reasons don't matter, whether he is NPD or whatever, if I don't want to interact with this man I don't have to. I think we often spend too much time trying to understand people who don't understand themselves. Thank you for your reply.

[JNChell]

You’ve got this. The temptation is there. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t be talking about it. The guy gives you the willies, but at the same time you’re attracted to him. Trust the willies. Come on now. We know what’s going on here. You know who that guy is, and you know why you’re Attracted to him and why he’s attracted to you.

[zachira]

JNChell,
There has never been an attraction or temptation with this man. What upsets me is how he pursues me when I have said no so many times for so many years. It makes me feel like prey, like a victim, like my family members with BPD. I have some work to do on not reenacting my traumas with people who act like my disordered famly members, and not feeling badly about people who mistreat me, as it is about them not me at all. I have to keep working on being more securely attached and continue to make friends with people with secure attachment, like some of the friends I already have. One of my friends keeps asking me why I interact with people that are not interested in interacting with me, and I know it is about wanting approval from people that are like my disordered family members.