Discarded by BPD husband

[Divorced2019]

Hi there
I am seeking for support. My BPD husband moved out of the house almost a year ago for work. At that time we had a 7 months old baby. He reassured me he was leaving to be close to work, although he could have taken another position and still be in the house with us.
I work 2 jobs in order to support myself and my daughter because he does not help me financially, never has. I pay for everything for me and my daughter.
Three months ago I started applying to job positions all over the country, but always keeping in mind places that he could also follow me and have a job as well. Two days after he learned I have interviews lined up he texted asking for a divorce.
A little before that I was super busy and he would ask me to drive to his house (over 2 hours each way) with the baby. I’d ask him to come and see us which was way easier, but over a 10 months period he came only 3 or 4 times.
Before all that happened he had threatened me with divorce many many times but would always come back. I started my travels for the job interviews  thinking I’d deal with everything when I got back.
After less than 3 weeks he was dating someone 20 years younger than me. Now they’re moving in together after only 2 months and one breakup and he is saying to the whole world how she’s the one and how much in love he is.
Now I’m discarded like yesterday’s trash.
Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Baglady]

Dear Divorced 

Just reaching out with the warmest of virtual hugs.  I personally can relate to your pain so much (2 years ago my unofficially diagnosed eBPDh of 21 years had a psychotic break, raged and verbally abused me for almost 3 weeks and then assaulted me - no prior history of any of this behavior because I'd largely been idealized for most of my marriage - the cracks in the facade were confusing rather than alarming up to that point ). 

I so get the feeling of being discarded like a piece of trash - it's a uniquely, horrifically painful aspect of a break up with a BPD.  Everyone thinks that you are going through a "normal" divorce and that you are both relatively emotionally healthy people who just grew apart or that one of you cheated on the other.  The truth, to my mind, is so much worse because it is so honestly bizarre.  Your ex switched off any feelings for you like a faucet and moved on quicker than you could blink.  Meanwhile you are twenty steps behind, likely still emotionally attached to your ex-partner, standing in the rubble of a marriage breakdown that you are just coming to grips with while your ex-partner is on a dopamine-high and in love with a new person.  Like me, I'm guessing that you are questioning everything about yourself and reality itself.  It's mind-bendingly confusing and hurtful and my heart goes out to you right now.

What saved me was my teen son, I simply had to keep on going for him and you will need to do the same for your child also.  Our kids are down one parent and we have to parent for two - bluntly put.  Keep posting - this community of people are nothing short of amazing and everyone just gets it to the core.

My personal recommendation would be to find a good therapist.  You are at the beginning of a long road of self-discovery and peeling the onion of understanding of BPD - it will help you tremendously to have a professional help you on this journey.

Hang in there sister 

Warmly,
Baglady

[Divorced2019]

Thank you soo much for your reply!
As you might remember from your own traumatic experience (I’m sorry too for all that happened to you), at this point we’re deeply hurt and confused. We doubt everything we have always known as truth, and we constantly need help with perspective.
So talking about it with others over and over is the only thing that seems to help right now.
I keep picturing all the declarations of deep love they are exchanging at this very moment, privately and in social media for everyone to see.
I keep thinking if she’s really “the one” and that he has finally found in her everything he always complained I didn’t have or do.
He has already said repeatedly she has done more for him than anyone has ever done (in two months). We were together for five years.
The pain is excruciating and I really don’t know if I will make it.
I’ve started therapy but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I’ve gone to 2 different professionals but I don’t know if they really understand BPD. I feel like they’re treating my situation as a “normal” divorce.
I’m also wondering how long this new romance will last and if he’s going to do the same thing to her. I know there’s no answer but it  still keeps racing in my mind.
I’m petrified.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Divorced2019,

I'm so sorry. It is terribly hard to invest so much in a marriage and then have the person who vowed to love you turn around and suddenly profess love for someone else after discarding you. That is a very painful feeling, the feeling of rejection, and it absolutely baffles both heart and mind.

If it helps at all, just know that people with traits of bpd tend to go through an initial phase of idealizing in relationships. They feel things in extremes and tend to move quickly and they will frequently utter praises about the "perfect person" they believe they are in love with. Usually the idealization stops after a period of time when the object of their affections fails to live up to the unrealistic expectations. People are people, and no one is perfect, and time and again pwbpd will be disappointed in the human limitations of their romantic partners. There is a pattern of idealization/devaluation with people with bpd traits. They think in terms of black/white, good/bad. You're the best thing ever, or you are the worst person on earth and pure evil. You are their savior, or you are the devil incarnate abusing them mercilessly. There is no in-between. People with bpd struggle to see positive and negative qualities existing simultaneously in others.

Here is an article that describes how a bpd relationship evolves. Take a look and see if any of this sounds familiar:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

[Baglady]

Hi Divorced,

I absolutely understand your need to repeat your truth over and over and over to people.  It is actually a stage of grieving and I still wrestle with this need though only occasionally now.  Please feel free to use this forum to share, to talk, to vent and to question as your friends may only have a limited bandwidth for your story over time.  BPD is a very difficult disorder to explain - it helps to have lived experience with it as everyone on this website does.  We GET it as we have all been in your shoes to one extent or another.   I've also found that keeping a journal of my own feelings and emotions really helped me heal and maybe this is something you might find solace in too?

Please try to put your focus on yourself and your baby at this time although I really understand your strong drive to ruminate about the new girlfriend.  (My ex has met the love of his life too  ).  However, this new victim/supply girlfriend is going to be in your exact place at some point or another in the future too because an untreated BPD is incapable of a typical adult relationship as we non's understand.  I've found this particular video to be very helpful when I'm stuck in the loop of thinking about my ex and his new girlfriend and maybe you will too?

https://youtu.be/zg7uQND-4qk

I know that you are a strong person (2 jobs - young baby - breadwinner - says it all!)  and you will get through this.  Your baby needs you and more importantly, YOU need you! 
Do you have a support network of friends and/or family to lean on?

Warmly,
B