My BPD boyfriend's mother - full denial

[Jwood]

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my boyfriend has now 'split' and disappeared for the 5th time in 2 years. It sounds shocking to me even as i type.

In the past, I've tried to ask his parents for some help in getting him to go to counseling to sort out what i was seeing early on with what i was calling 'unhealthy relationship patterns' as i did not yet know what this was and the full extent of it. They were always dismissive saying we needed to figure it out on our own. I kept trying to convey that this was not typical stuff but it fell on deaf ears.

Last week, about a week after this last split, i decided to call his mom and try to talk to her again. His parents were unaware of the extent of what was going on and didn't know about his suicidal comments - twice in the past few months. The comments had only happened when he was in a split. I knew they were a cry for help in some form and he'd made them to me - once in person when i tried to go and talk to him and once in a phone call he'd made to me. Both when drinking.

Because he'd split off again and i knew this only seemed to happen during a split i felt it was the right thing to do in calling her, and i was also looking for help as this was undeniably at this point a pervasive pattern(s). At first, she seemed concerned and promised to try to help. I'd given her the details on bpd and that both his kids think they have it and believe their dad has it. This is what caused me to look at it to begin with and checks all the boxes.

I guess she decided to talk to him but also must have said i had reached out which i warned against. He of course then justified it as being depressed because i was contacting his relatives. I then received an email not to contact her anymore stating he was depressed because of me. Very hard to get an email like that when i have been the one on the receiving end of some terrible behavior and still trying to help him. She's completely ignored all the facts I've given her and not coming from just me, both of his adult children believe he has it.

He's mentioned before that he's never been close to his mom and feels she wasn't there for him growing up.

I'm wondering what are others experience with this. Everything I've read says he's testing me for abandonment. I feel he knows i really understand what is really going on with him whether he admits it or not (sometimes there are glimpses) and he continues to push and pull because of it. I wonder how he perceives his mother's response? He knows he's deceived her and she's buying it but does he not still feel she doesn't really understand but i do? Very complex situation.

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