Wanting to move on

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First post on this site, I've read through countless threads just trying to comprehend what just happened to me and trying to rationalize a breakup with my ex-gf that happened almost 4 months ago.
My ex seemed so in love with me, we were practically together everyday for months and going on weekend trips all the time, everything in my mind screamed that the relationship was healthy but she just had mental problems she needed help with.

I was severely mistaken though, she broke up with me over snapchat one night out of the blue and gave almost no reason except she felt like she didn't love me. This broke me so hard, I had never felt as much grief as I did that first month. I resorted to drug use and self harm which shocked and scared me because I had never felt that level of manic before.
About a month later I had started healing, doing better at work, hanging with friends who I had pretty much abandoned for 5 months while I was in this relationship, and genuinely giving it my best effort to move on.

This was interrupted very hard when she decided to run up charges on my credit card. This hurt me so deeply because I felt that I had helped and cared for her so much, spending almost 10k on her over the course of our semi-short relationship to clothe, feed her, pay for medical expenses/therapy, etc. This made me snap so hard, the anger I felt really saddens me because I felt like I was better than that. I tracked down all of her social media accounts and just berated her, walked into her work, then to seal the deal filed a court case against her because she was denying the charges. This ended up with her finally agreeing to send me a check then she proceeded to delete all of her social media accounts and make new ones under a new name (something I realized she has been doing for years).

Now I'm just stuck in this horrible loop of checking up on her new accounts obsessively, looking for any kind of clue that she misses me or regrets her actions. Is this normal behavior for someone with BPD? Will she try to do this again/what should I watch out for in the future? I used to think I was a smart person when it comes to relationships and judging character, but this relationship has me scared I'll be severely manipulated again. 

[rainyboi]

First post on this site, I've read through countless threads just trying to comprehend what just happened to me and trying to rationalize a breakup with my ex-gf that happened almost 4 months ago.
My ex seemed so in love with me, we were practically together everyday for months and going on weekend trips all the time, everything in my mind screamed that the relationship was healthy but she just had mental problems she needed help with.

I was severely mistaken though, she broke up with me over snapchat one night out of the blue and gave almost no reason except she felt like she didn't love me. This broke me so hard, I had never felt as much grief as I did that first month. I resorted to drug use and self harm which shocked and scared me because I had never felt that level of manic before.
About a month later I had started healing, doing better at work, hanging with friends who I had pretty much abandoned for 5 months while I was in this relationship, and genuinely giving it my best effort to move on.

This was interrupted very hard when she decided to run up charges on my credit card. This hurt me so deeply because I felt that I had helped and cared for her so much, spending almost 10k on her over the course of our semi-short relationship to clothe, feed her, pay for medical expenses/therapy, etc. This made me snap so hard, the anger I felt really saddens me because I felt like I was better than that. I tracked down all of her social media accounts and just berated her, walked into her work, then to seal the deal filed a court case against her because she was denying the charges. This ended up with her finally agreeing to send me a check then she proceeded to delete all of her social media accounts and make new ones under a new name (something I realized she has been doing for years).

Now I'm just stuck in this horrible loop of checking up on her new accounts obsessively, looking for any kind of clue that she misses me or regrets her actions. Is this normal behavior for someone with BPD? Will she try to do this again/what should I watch out for in the future? I used to think I was a smart person when it comes to relationships and judging character, but this relationship has me scared I'll be severely manipulated again. 

[Thedubman123]

I totally feel for you my brother. I just got out of a 4 month relationship with a bpd around thanksgiving time. It’s hard, extremely hard. My story is very similar other than my ex Bdp was high functioning and had a great job. The reason it’s so hard is because during the idolization phase you feel like you found your soul mate. The connection that forms during the idolization phase is very rare to find, it’s basically love at first site! The woman you have been waiting for your whole life. Unfortunately though it was all FAKE!. Remember that the connection you felt during this phase was a scam!, it was not genuine!. I think that’s why it’s so hard to let go even when it gets so bad because at one point it was the most beautiful thing in the world. And you have to start going no contact man!, that means get rid of everything that reminds you of her. The social media thing has to stop, seeing pictures of her is just as bad as calling her on the phone. Goodluck man, I feel your pain, it’s only been a month for me. Hit me up if you want to talk further

[SinisterComplex]

RB, ok first...sh*t happens. Do not be so hard on yourself. This may feel like the end of the world but trust it isn't. The harsh reality of the situation is this...you got used and played. (spending almost 10k on her over the course of our semi-short relationship to clothe, feed her, pay for medical expenses/therapy, etc.) - This right here...I rest my case. Nuff said to that end!

Second, BPD girls are extremely selfish, lack impulse control, lack empathy, and have no idea what the ramifications of their choices and decisions will be. So knowing that...the only reason that she will re-contact you is because of herself, not because of YOU. BPD girls only re-contact ex boyfriends or "friends" when they want or need something from them. It's never about YOU, its always about HER, just like it was during your relationship that she wanted everything from you (reference my point I made earlier here), because she wanted it for herself. Now understanding this...She will only turn to you when she is not getting enough comfort or sympathy from the current boyfriend or "friend" and that is so she can get what she needs. You are not her boyfriend anymore, so there is no need to talk to her or pay her anymore attention or waste anymore of your precious finite time on her.

Now, please understand I am coming from a place of caring here. You got done bogus...Period! So with saying that...let this experience serve as a learning experience and chalk it up it as a loss. Do not worry about being manipulated again. Hey it will probably happen, but you can't be scared. Crappy people are going to be crappy people. Getting hurt sucks, but you learn to develop thick skin and you become a warrior that takes a beating, but always comes back stronger.

Furthermore, I wouldn't even worry about the labeling of BPD or disorders here. She sucks as a person. Lets leave it at that so you can move on find and someone better who will treat you right. Most importantly though amigo...treat yourself better. You get one life so enjoy being YOU and live life for YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[rainyboi]

I totally feel for you my brother. I just got out of a 4 month relationship with a bpd around thanksgiving time. It’s hard, extremely hard. My story is very similar other than my ex Bdp was high functioning and had a great job. The reason it’s so hard is because during the idolization phase you feel like you found your soul mate. The connection that forms during the idolization phase is very rare to find, it’s basically love at first site! The woman you have been waiting for your whole life. Unfortunately though it was all FAKE!. Remember that the connection you felt during this phase was a scam!, it was not genuine!. I think that’s why it’s so hard to let go even when it gets so bad because at one point it was the most beautiful thing in the world. And you have to start going no contact man!, that means get rid of everything that reminds you of her. The social media thing has to stop, seeing pictures of her is just as bad as calling her on the phone. Goodluck man, I feel your pain, it’s only been a month for me. Hit me up if you want to talk further

Thanks man, I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is the people around me thinking this was a simple "we didn't work out and she was bad" case but I feel like extremely abused. Maybe I'm looking for sympathy when I really shouldn't, just being manipulated as "masterfully" as she did it, really did a number on my ego.
The first month was the very hardest for me, let me know if you want to vent too haha. Looking back on it some of the stuff was almost funny how many red flags there were, I guess that's the silver lining. Have plenty of stories to tell.

[rainyboi]

RB, ok first...sh*t happens. Do not be so hard on yourself. This may feel like the end of the world but trust it isn't. The harsh reality of the situation is this...you got used and played. (spending almost 10k on her over the course of our semi-short relationship to clothe, feed her, pay for medical expenses/therapy, etc.) - This right here...I rest my case. Nuff said to that end!

Second, BPD girls are extremely selfish, lack impulse control, lack empathy, and have no idea what the ramifications of their choices and decisions will be. So knowing that...the only reason that she will re-contact you is because of herself, not because of YOU. BPD girls only re-contact ex boyfriends or "friends" when they want or need something from them. It's never about YOU, its always about HER, just like it was during your relationship that she wanted everything from you (reference my point I made earlier here), because she wanted it for herself. Now understanding this...She will only turn to you when she is not getting enough comfort or sympathy from the current boyfriend or "friend" and that is so she can get what she needs. You are not her boyfriend anymore, so there is no need to talk to her or pay her anymore attention or waste anymore of your precious finite time on her.

Now, please understand I am coming from a place of caring here. You got done bogus...Period! So with saying that...let this experience serve as a learning experience and chalk it up it as a loss. Do not worry about being manipulated again. Hey it will probably happen, but you can't be scared. Crappy people are going to be crappy people. Getting hurt sucks, but you learn to develop thick skin and you become a warrior that takes a beating, but always comes back stronger.

Furthermore, I wouldn't even worry about the labeling of BPD or disorders here. She sucks as a person. Lets leave it at that so you can move on find and someone better who will treat you right. Most importantly though amigo...treat yourself better. You get one life so enjoy being YOU and live life for YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you, I needed to hear this honestly. It's what I know but there is this extremely traumatized part of me that wishes that the relationship was real. Needing to let go of that fantasy is really essential for me to move on.
Me spending that much money on her was definitely a proving point that something wasn't right, but she always claimed she didn't need any money so I felt I was doing it out of care and not out of pressure, when in reality she always knew the right things to say to get me to buy something for her without making me feel there was an issue.
Thanks again and happy new year! Time for a new chapter.

[confusedbybdp]

 

I think the hardest thing I'm dealing with is the people around me thinking this was a simple "we didn't work out and she was bad" case but I feel like extremely abused.

You were abused, rainyboi.  That's why you feel that way - trust that feeling and don't forget it (especially when she comes crawling back for a recycle!).  You were in a malignant, abusive relationship.  I assume you are basically a trusting person, and someone who wants to "give" and "help" the people you care about.  People with BPD, whether they are women or men, have an uncanny ability to find and connect with people like us.  They are master "readers" of people, because they HAVE to be to get their needs met.  Sadly, I agree with SC - it's ALWAYS about them, and never or almost never about YOU.  They don't know how to get their needs met in a straightforward way.  That's why the psychiatric community considers their behavior "maladaptive."  It is thought that people with BPD developed these patterns of behavior (charming others, then using them) because they grew up in dysfunctional, invalidating families, where their needs were neglected.

These people and the relationships we form with them (unwittingly) suck the very life out of us.  Yes, I've learned some lessons now that it is in the rearview mirror, but it nearly took me down.  In fact, it did take me down, and I wish I had never met him.  It was that bad.  It has taken me 7 months of weekly therapy to process a r/s that started out heavenly (in the charming phase) and ended by my being physically afraid of him, his rage, his drinking, his abuse of prescription drugs, wacky supplements, and alcohol, his driving while under the influence, his rocky relationships with his family and friends, and to top it off, his insane jealousy of my dog.  Okay, I admit that no man will ever come between me and my dog!   

Keep writing to us!  We're here for you!

[confusedbybdp]

...she always claimed she didn't need any money so I felt I was doing it out of care and not out of pressure...

This is just one tool in their toolbox, rainyboi.  And it works, doesn't it?  That's why they do it!  It works every damn time.  Just like taking candy from a baby!  Whether they know what they're doing or not (and not everybody agrees on whether they do or don't), the behavior damages the people closest to them.  They just keep on taking...and we keep on giving.  Close the candy shop, rainyboi! 

Don't go back there, no matter how compelling the siren call.  People w BPD have many, many tools in their toolbox - feigning illness, lying, threatening suicide, being "loving," turning on the charm, and on and on and on.

[BrokenSpokane]

The harsh reality of the situation is this...you got used and played. (spending almost 10k on her over the course of our semi-short relationship to clothe, feed her, pay for medical expenses/therapy, etc.) - This right here...I rest my case. Nuff said to that end!

Second, BPD girls are extremely selfish, lack impulse control, lack empathy, and have no idea what the ramifications of their choices and decisions will be. So knowing that...the only reason that she will re-contact you is because of herself, not because of YOU. BPD girls only re-contact ex boyfriends or "friends" when they want or need something from them. It's never about YOU, its always about HER, just like it was during your relationship that she wanted everything from you (reference my point I made earlier here), because she wanted it for herself. Now understanding this...She will only turn to you when she is not getting enough comfort or sympathy from the current boyfriend or "friend" and that is so she can get what she needs. You are not her boyfriend anymore, so there is no need to talk to her or pay her anymore attention or waste anymore of your precious finite time on her.

-SC-

Yes! I second this. Same thing happened to me and these are all her traits too. My exBPD also has narcissistic tendencies. It's all about her. I did everything around the house, paid for a vast majority of bills, expenses, mortgage. She used sex to control me. It wasn't about love, it was about controlling me. It worked for a long time until I couldn't take the abuse anymore.

It took me a while after the relationship to really love myself again. I'm worthy. I'm a good person. I have good friends, family. I'm kind, caring, empathetic, compassionate. I'm a good person. It took me a while to believe that again. I allowed myself to be beaten down by her (physically and emotionally).

It gets better over time. Don't let her in.

[rainyboi]

...she always claimed she didn't need any money so I felt I was doing it out of care and not out of pressure...

This is just one tool in their toolbox, rainyboi.  And it works, doesn't it?  That's why they do it!  It works every damn time.  Just like taking candy from a baby!  Whether they know what they're doing or not (and not everybody agrees on whether they do or don't), the behavior damages the people closest to them.  They just keep on taking...and we keep on giving.  Close the candy shop, rainyboi! 

Don't go back there, no matter how compelling the siren call.  People w BPD have many, many tools in their toolbox - feigning illness, lying, threatening suicide, being "loving," turning on the charm, and on and on and on.

Thank you very much, I want to remain the same person I was before meeting this person with BPD. I was very happy and kind to people, now I'm very cold and untrusting of even my closest friends. I want this to be a learning lesson but I also don't want this experience to make me feel this horrible about other people.

I'm sorry about your ex-bf, what you said about them seeking out people like us I feel is very true. I also think we are the ones that feel the most lasting effects since we care about them even if they might have never cared about us.
Do you feel sorry for your ex-bf? There is a helpless feeling I have of wanting to at least help her succeed and be happy even though I know our relationship was a sham.

[rainyboi]

It took me a while after the relationship to really love myself again. I'm worthy. I'm a good person. I have good friends, family. I'm kind, caring, empathetic, compassionate. I'm a good person. It took me a while to believe that again. I allowed myself to be beaten down by her (physically and emotionally).

This is what I'm striving for congrats to you for succeeding.

[SinisterComplex]

Just have to chime in here about the weird insane jealousy. My ex wife was insanely jealous of my cat that is now dearly departed. She couldn't stand that my cat was my homeboy. He was my road dog. LOL. Never have I experienced such an odd thing. I mean she would really get upset that my attention would go to my cat. Its kind of comical to think about in retrospect.

So...let me put it like this. Create a cue phrase that allows you to put the other person on notice. In essence, its a phrase that makes sh*t hit the fan and allows you to put yourself into conflict resolution mode. Be willing to create the conflict dialogue because it is a necessity. Conflict creates growth opportunities...don't be afraid of it. If someone becomes a habitual line stepper you light their a$$ up. In essence, always be willing to pull the plug and tell someone to go kick rocks. The reason I say this...it shows you will not be trifled with and you respect yourself and that you are worthy of respect from others. Establish this early and often. Its like this...there is a difference between being a "nice guy" i.e. a doormat and being a guy who can be nice when the situation calls for it (someone assertive and commands respect). Its all about balance.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[rainyboi]

Be willing to create the conflict dialogue because it is a necessity. Conflict creates growth opportunities...don't be afraid of it. If someone becomes a habitual line stepper you light their a$$ up. In essence, always be willing to pull the plug and tell someone to go kick rocks. The reason I say this...it shows you will not be trifled with and you respect yourself and that you are worthy of respect from others. Establish this early and often. Its like this...there is a difference between being a "nice guy" i.e. a doormat and being a guy who can be nice when the situation calls for it (someone assertive and commands respect). Its all about balance.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Yeah this is great advice honestly, I feel when I truly started getting my life back is when I decided I was going to sue her when she stole from me. It showed I was no longer someone to mess with and there were consequences for her actions. It was funny too because she outright denied it completely, changed the story to she did it by accident, then said she would send a check in the span of 5 minutes. It gave me a clear look into how her mind thinks, deny and manipulate until there is no possible way to get out of the situation.