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Author Topic: How to go forward?  (Read 1542 times)
formflier
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« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2021, 07:56:40 AM »



Hey...so glad and thankful for this post!


My hubby got to see the extent of the toxicity and stood up to them. This helped me identify that the greatest threat of my in-law's behaviour had been the triangulation and divide it created between my hubby and me. We agreed I needed time to heal and disengage.
 

I'd be interested in reading more details.  Especially if you can identify a "tipping point" where your hubby was like "ohh...that...yeah I see that now"

I'm so pleased for you guys and wish you the best for this coming year.

Best,

FF
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #31 on: January 21, 2021, 11:03:27 AM »

kiwigal, it did my heart good to read your update. This had the potential to go in a number of directions but the end resulted in firming up boundaries, healthy prioritizing and a closer relationship with your H. I'm happy for you and I also know that parts of this are painful...wishing we could carry some of the pain for you. Wishing you healing, peace, continued growth and strength! Big hug. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  What a way to start the new year!

pj  With affection (click to insert in post)
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
kiwigal
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« Reply #32 on: January 21, 2021, 09:23:56 PM »


It's so interesting reflecting! I love your question... thank you for asking because it helps me to process!

I had disengaged by being unavailable and busy due to figuring out study online with Covid and our country went into lockdown. I actually went into online therapy and began processing my own trauma and tendency to over-function. So I gave myself permission to heal, for however long it took.

A few months later, SIL text a question to hubby - likely intended to expose me as being negligent around something that, unbeknown to her, hubby was responsible for. She was demanding and came across entitled - and he was taken back by her behaviour. When he took ownership and affirmed me, she then went on about just wanting to have good communication etc. Hubby questioned why she wasn't able to ask me directly if she wanted good communication. She then phoned him and proceeded to unleash her anger against me as to why she couldn't talk to me and my inherent faultiness. Her hubby then got on the phone to my hubby and did the same and emasculated him for not putting me in my place as "head of the home". (gag).

I was away for the weekend at the time and oblivious to it all. Not wanting to ruin my weekend, he had to deal with it on his own and process the emotion without support. It was perhaps the first time hubby got to experience the extent of it - the patriarchy, positioning,  heart-pounding, palm-sweating, shaking, dry-tongued, not knowing what to say etc.

I hadn't even got through the door before he was needing to process and make sense of how crazy-making it felt. Then I got to watch as he dealt with the ruminating and wishing he had answers while I affirmed him that he had dealt with it the best he could.

In retrospect, getting educated through this site and being brave enough to disengage was the healthiest thing I did for myself and my marriage and my kids  With affection (click to insert in post)










Hey...so glad and thankful for this post!

I'd be interested in reading more details.  Especially if you can identify a "tipping point" where your hubby was like "ohh...that...yeah I see that now"

I'm so pleased for you guys and wish you the best for this coming year.

Best,

FF
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kiwigal
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« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2021, 09:32:05 PM »

Aw PJ  With affection (click to insert in post) I am just SO grateful to the likes of you here. Especially the words of wisdom you have shared along the way!  With affection (click to insert in post)

kiwigal, it did my heart good to read your update. This had the potential to go in a number of directions but the end resulted in firming up boundaries, healthy prioritizing and a closer relationship with your H. I'm happy for you and I also know that parts of this are painful...wishing we could carry some of the pain for you. Wishing you healing, peace, continued growth and strength! Big hug. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  What a way to start the new year!

pj  With affection (click to insert in post)
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formflier
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« Reply #34 on: January 22, 2021, 05:22:57 AM »


In retrospect, getting educated through this site and being brave enough to disengage was the healthiest thing I did for myself and my marriage and my kids  :heart

So...can you describe your journey some?  I know for me, there were times (not many) when I wished I could be back in the old days of ignorance. 

What were some of the more troubling things you learned?  How did you cope?

What were some of the more empowering things you learned?  How did those change your life?

And...maybe the million dollar question (to be answered after a few of your favorite beverages)...what's  the next step for kiwigal

Best,

FF
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kiwigal
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« Reply #35 on: February 17, 2021, 03:09:30 PM »

I love this reflecting. Thank you, FF... I can't speak enough about how healing it is.

My journey started 19yrs ago when I got engaged to my husband where, from the moment the ring was on my finger, my inlaws became intrusive, entitled and positioning. It created a lot of conflict. After thousands of dollars of counselling for anxiety, one day a therapist directed me here. It was reading through this site that I had an "aha" moment... and that was this;
"they don't actually care what I feel".

I knew my husband saw most of the treatment as benign. But on one occasion I confronted it. He got to witness the unfolding gaslighting and dehumanisation. The less I said - the more they raged and showed their true colours to us both.

The most troubling thing/s I learned;

~ that my lack of individuation, autonomy and trauma history had meant I had allowed the gaslighting and alienation. I coped by digging deep into my story and sharing it with trusted others/ therapists.

~ that they would act so divisively in my marriage and family. I coped by educating myself and them, and holding very clear boundaries such as "when you do that, I feel alone and that my trust is broken. I need XYZ". Or - "it's interesting they are talking to you, but not actually talking to me?" Or - "I'm not being difficult here, I'm just asking for adult considerations."

~ that they wouldn't change. I coped by disengaging and establishing for myself, my bottom line of needs for any sort of reconciliation. That bottom line got really low overtime...
I need an apology
I need acknowledgement of mutual pain
I need to hear that we just need a new beginning
I need one positive statement about me
Today: I'm only interested in mutual respect and where there is none, there is no relationship.

The most empowering thing I learned was: My autonomy is valuable and I am enough.
That gave me the courage to focus my life on what is good, beautiful, healthy and to begin to learn to wean myself off the protective/survival mode of functioning.

Going forward Smiling (click to insert in post)
~ I am now studying to be a therapist myself with a passion for working with children and young people experiencing trauma - including standing up to systemic toxicity  Way to go! (click to insert in post)

~ Is it strange to say that I feel glad for all I've been through?

~ Every day I set aside one hour to journal and process the anger/pain/regret/grief/loss/trauma/confusion etc of everything. I do this without self-judgment and allow myself to tune into my bodies experience. I often write letters to them - sometimes the same one over and over, in which I tell them my reality - and then I delete them knowing they will never get it. Never see my side. However, lately, I have found my letters have become more of a thankyou. A thank you for the opportunity to get grounded and to work through my own story. I wouldn't wish this journey on a single soul, but I also know I wouldn't be where I am today without it either.



 
So...can you describe your journey some?  I know for me, there were times (not many) when I wished I could be back in the old days of ignorance. 

What were some of the more troubling things you learned?  How did you cope?

What were some of the more empowering things you learned?  How did those change your life?

And...maybe the million dollar question (to be answered after a few of your favorite beverages)...what's  the next step for kiwigal

Best,

FF
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formflier
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« Reply #36 on: February 17, 2021, 05:10:16 PM »


~ Is it strange to say that I feel glad for all I've been through?
 
 

Not in the least...

On the one hand, I wouldn't wish my journey on anyone...yet...it is undeniable that as a result of the journey I am more mature, more empathetic...definitely more able to look at myself and sort through relationship messes.

Relationships are messy..they just are.

So...I would not want to switch my journey either, even though I wouldn't want to go through it again.

Best,

FF
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GaGrl
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« Reply #37 on: February 17, 2021, 05:32:20 PM »

I agree. I have so much more insight to my own FOO and my own behaviors because I had to put the effort into stabilizing my new marriage with a uBPD/NPD ex in the picture. Like FF, I wouldn't wish the journey on anyone, yet...so valuable.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
pursuingJoy
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« Reply #38 on: February 18, 2021, 01:21:12 PM »

Great thread.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post)
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
kiwigal
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« Reply #39 on: February 22, 2021, 02:02:53 AM »

So love hearing the wise words of the experiences here agreeing that this journey gives you an insight for all relationships - and realistic expectations too.
I so value this family!
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