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Skills we were never taught
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A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: Broke up with ex-gf after moving in with her, I love her more than anything  (Read 891 times)
FedorZX

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of getting back together
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« on: January 04, 2020, 10:28:10 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I would like to tell all of you that I really appreciate a site like this existing, for all you do, and for all of the love you have in your hearts. I would like to present the situation which exists between my SO and I.

She was so beautiful but not in the conventional way; everything about her was beautiful: her voice, her manner, her words, her body, her face----everything.

7 Years Ago:
We first met through a mutual friend when she was 20 and I was 18 at the time through facebook. I remember being attracted to her and we had a friendly banter. We were beginning to fall for each other but I was already speaking to someone else so I felt guilty even though I was not in a committed relationship. When we met up she said that she wouldn’t normally meet up with me but she had something to do so it was just “a fluke”. She always had a thing for hands and when I asked her about mine she said they were “ok”. I was not quite sure what to make of her, she seemed giddy and nervous. I ended up choosing to date the other girl instead of her because I was insecure she didn’t like me.

Last Year:
We ended up reconnecting on facebook but this time speaking to her felt even better than before. I felt obsessed by speaking to her, she enchanted me like no one else. I took her on a laughably bad first date, but the second date I made sure that it went correctly. We made out in my car for hours although it didn’t feel like it. She was beautiful, soft, and sensuous when we were physical with each other. It wasn’t like kissing other people in the past, something about our chemistry felt incredibly special. I liked her so much that on the third date after we had sex I left my contact case at her house to have an excuse to come back but also to kind of make a footing for me to lock her down. I began to slowly spend more time with her, and I left her notes of how passionate I was for her. In the first month I told her I loved her, she cried and said it was too soon and this happened to her before in one of her failed relationships. I thought it was kind of odd but we were spending most of our time together and we were obsessed with each other. She had the same obscure taste in music as me, and we felt strongly for each other.

Now I am aware that this a story you are all familiar with which I will tell now. We were spending so much time together I did not make an adequate effort on her birthday which set off her devaluation of me. She began to cry and get hysterical for a day or two. I thought we made up but she was still angry. When we went to a concert we had planned together she was starting a fight with me about having to work on the day of the concert and my nerves were beginning to feel shot as she was in a bad mood. At the concert, she began to have a fit and cry and walk away from me. She was acting in a way I was not used to at the time but ended up getting more used to. We eventually got in a bigger argument since I got mad at her not listening to me and said she was irresponsible since she spent too much money. I was beginning to feel more like a servant, if I didn’t do what she said I feared her blowing up. She began to shout in my face and destroy all of my love letters and drawings for her. I felt upset and went home, planning to break up with her. She drove over to my house, got in a car accident, and went in my bed crying. She successfully managed to not only get me back but also got me to move in with her since we had very little privacy at our parents’ houses. BIG MISTAKE Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). When we moved in her fits became a regular occurence. I was spending all of my days slaving away on the apartment by myself, getting terrorized by her, and our love life came to a crawl. She cut open her wrist because it pained her so much to see something so beautiful like we had began to whittle away and die. She began to become more unhinged and accused me of being like the guy who used to hit her. She told me she had sex 30 times and a great deal of them were rapes. She said she was a camgirl and a sugar baby. I wasn’t able to sleep because she would keep me up doing things for her and I was afraid of her blowing up until 3am like she was getting the in the habit of doing.

I consulted my friends and they agreed it was time to break up. She wouldn’t accept the break up and blocked me from leaving our apartment. Her eyes looked vacant and she was crying. I told her over and over again we were done. It took a lot of effort but she accepted the break up eventually and moved out all of her things neatly. She wrote me a letter after the break up saying how special I was and she hated all she did to me. I ignored it, but I couldn’t help missing her. It was no ordinary break up, I felt like this was the person who I loved the most in my lifetime. She took care of me when I was sick, when my favorite family member died, even when our relationship was coming to a close. My feelings for her wouldn’t go away. I sent her a letter telling her how much she was important to me, how much I loved her. She contacted me and told me she was in therapy. Her instagram was her going outside and seeing family and friends more often. I told her I was very proud of her but I was scared. She said she was scared too.

I told my friends and family that I was reconsidering going back with her. They said it was a terrible idea and to move on from her. She was borderline (diagnosed now) and couldn’t be helped. They said I needed to play the field more, that I was going to get hurt again, that I was being a fool. I feel like she is very misunderstood and so am I. No one seems to get it. She never hit me, she never cheated on me, she ever insulted me. Now how she acted was toxic, and that’s why I left. But I love her with every fiber of my being, it had been 4 months of no contact and every song reminded me of her. Every girl I dated or tried sleeping paled in comparison to the feelings I had for her. I want to try again, and I want us to be better this time.

I asked her to go to couple’s therapy and she agreed. I want to make sure she is attending therapy while she and I are dating. I do not want to move in with her and moving in after less than a year was a mistake. I used to grovel over her when she was sad, I wanted to pull down the moon for her. When she was triggered, I didn’t walk away, I got engaged, I never set any boundaries. This is a human-being, she has feelings, she has a beauty to her. I can’t live with myself not giving it another try. I don’t care if I’m a fool for trying again. I want to be more careful and mindful this time. I want to read books like Walking On Eggshells, I have read some of the articles here and she responded well to validating her feelings. I have been setting boundaries with her.

I want to know what I can do to be better. I want to be heard that she is a person of worth not a piece of trash that I should just forget about. That all she is an illness, that all I am is some guy who didn’t get enough experience with women. I am sick of being invalidated, I hate a culture that throws people when they are down in the trash, doesn’t want to listen to people who hurt, who judges without understanding. It means a lot to me to be able to make us work, I’ll do whatever it takes. Please give me your advice. Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

With Love,
FedorZX
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2020, 08:07:35 AM »

Hi FedorZX and welcome!

You've come to the right place. And you're doing the right thing in educating yourself. BPD is a tricky thing to deal with and understand. The more you know, the better off you (and she) will be.

I'm not surprised your friends and family have such a negative reaction. I ran into the same thing from my sisters (my parents have been supportive) when I decided not to leave my husband. The thing I try to keep in mind is this: They care about me. They want what's best for me. They know how my H treated me and they're angry at what I went through and scared it will happen again. It's coming from a place of love -- even if it's not the "right" way to show it.

BPD is often misunderstood -- even by people in the mental health profession. And it's very, very difficult for outsiders to understand what the disorder really is, or what the relationships are like. People just can't understand why we choose to stay.

But we get it here. You'll find many members (like me) who are dedicated to making it work with these complicated, yet worthy and, yes, beautiful, people.

It does take a lot of work and patience. It is not easy. There are no guarantees. And there will be set-backs. But it can be done.

I would recommend the Eggshells book (it's what led me here). We also have a lot of articles, workshops and other resources. It can be overwhelming, but we can help steer you to the ones that may be most helpful to you.

Details will help us know how to help best. What sorts of boundaries are you setting?
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FedorZX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of getting back together
Posts: 11


« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2020, 12:10:25 AM »

Hi FedorZX and welcome!

You've come to the right place. And you're doing the right thing in educating yourself. BPD is a tricky thing to deal with and understand. The more you know, the better off you (and she) will be.

I'm not surprised your friends and family have such a negative reaction. I ran into the same thing from my sisters (my parents have been supportive) when I decided not to leave my husband. The thing I try to keep in mind is this: They care about me. They want what's best for me. They know how my H treated me and they're angry at what I went through and scared it will happen again. It's coming from a place of love -- even if it's not the "right" way to show it.

BPD is often misunderstood -- even by people in the mental health profession. And it's very, very difficult for outsiders to understand what the disorder really is, or what the relationships are like. People just can't understand why we choose to stay.

But we get it here. You'll find many members (like me) who are dedicated to making it work with these complicated, yet worthy and, yes, beautiful, people.

It does take a lot of work and patience. It is not easy. There are no guarantees. And there will be set-backs. But it can be done.

I would recommend the Eggshells book (it's what led me here). We also have a lot of articles, workshops and other resources. It can be overwhelming, but we can help steer you to the ones that may be most helpful to you.

Details will help us know how to help best. What sorts of boundaries are you setting?

It has been a very helpful site, I'm glad I found it. It’s definitely a tricky thing to deal with in general, even more so of a predicament to be in love with someone with BPD.

It’s true that the negative reactions come from a place of caring.

It makes me sad how little people understand. After reading the material on the site, I have been on a path of understanding more.

I needed this place as much as I need water, let me tell you.

I will read the Eggshells book. I have read some of the articles, but I have much to learn.

We have been texting and calling pretty regularly. I will be seeing her for the first time in many months this weekend, but I am scared. I am worried we are moving too fast back into the relationship. She always says she feels “safe” with me. I don’t know exactly what she means by this, I want to understand what she really means by that. I am thinking of saying “I’m worried and overwhelmed about everything, let’s speak tomorrow.” as a boundary to set. I am worried that we will go back to the way we were. No one is supporting my decision, and I don’t want to get in the way of her healing that she has been getting from therapy and her friends. I don’t understand everything as well as I can right now. Is there love outside of having BPD? Is it crazy I think we have compatibility and love outside of her illness not because of it? It’s hard to know what to do, but I love her. I’m conflicted with both my love and fear. The fear might be good to protect us as partners, I hope it motivates me to learn more about how to be a proper partner.

She is not able to communicate her feelings well because I think she can’t speak them well.
I see boundaries as being able to be my own person and to not do everything she wants always so I can look out for myself. If she has an episode like she had in the past, I think I will set a boundary of walking away and taking space for myself. Maybe we could go on a walk together.
I have been saying I understand and not invalidating her emotions and she has been really happy with that which warms my heart. I think it’s possible to validate her emotions but also to say what I think is right. I am mindful of not being judgemental to her, I tell her that her feelings are valid but I also speak my mind in a gentle way. It’s hard getting used to being self-censoring, I am not used to it but I think I can.

- Does what I have been doing make sense?
- Does she need more time, how slow should we go getting back together?

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Ozzie101
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« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2020, 08:22:01 AM »

Taking things slowly is definitely a good idea. But you don't necessarily have to introduce that idea. If the subject comes up, you can tell her you're so glad you've reconnected and you'd like to take things slowly. If she pushes, kindly (but firmly) tell her you're just not ready for that yet. She might even agree with you. But I wouldn't tie it to her past behavior -- that could come across as shaming and could bring a very negative response.

It sounds like your handling has been good: validation but holding your own boundaries and values.

How slow should you take it? Only you and she can decide that. Each situation is different. I would recommend you listen to your gut. If you feel like it's too fast, then it probably is. And listen to her. If she feels overwhelmed or stressed by it, then it's probably too fast. A relationship can be like a living thing: always changing.

You can always share what's going on here and ask for feedback. We're happy to help!

Fear is a good thing, really. It's like our body's early-warning system. If it spurs you to learn more or to proceed with caution, that's good. If it's making you worry endlessly or leading you to walk on eggshells or do things you, deep down, don't feel right about? That's a sign that something's very wrong.

You may have read these, but here are a few links that might be helpful to you:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Let us know what you think!
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FedorZX

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Relationship status: In process of getting back together
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« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2020, 08:46:59 PM »

I will be updating this thread regularly.

We went on two or three dates so far. We went to the movie theaters and we spent almost 10 hours or so cuddling, making out, or having sex. It was passionate but I knew there were challenges to come.

Today we had conflict all through text message:
1)Today she asked me to shave for the next time I see her. I found this to be kind of controlling and it made me feel uncomfortable, but I also know she has soft skin. I obliged this request because it's not that big of a deal even though it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I told her I understood she has sensitive skin and that it makes sense to ask. I also told her it made me feel like I wasn't good enough as I was (it also came across as controlling to me but I did not share this judgement).
2) She then said some day I should meet up with her friend and her boyfriend on a double date. I told her I would in time but that felt too soon for me. She explained she wasn't ready yet either. Fine by me.
3) She asked me to move furniture for her. I told her that moving things and doing chores for her made me feel like a doormat in the past and that I wasn't comfortable. I said that I want to help her but requests of that nature make me worry. I told her I loved her and want to share how I feel. We both got triggered from the experience. She said she regretted asking and is never sure when to ask. I told her it's okay to ask and it's ok for me to not feel comfortable to do things. She said she was sad I said I understand I am too. She then said seeing me tomorrow might be too soon. I then said "It makes sense why would be worried it's a touchy subject for us. I understand why it feels like tomorrow is too soon when we both got triggered. It's okay if we don't see each other tomorrow if you need time. I understand and I am here for you".

She said she thought since I was going to stay the night tomorrow that it would be okay for me to move furniture. I said it was okay to have a misunderstanding then. She was saying "I didn't realize asking a question would come with so much PLEASE READ!". Basically she was triggered and lashing out. As I am typing this I am going to not respond until she has time to cool off. I told her "Let's have some space to think things over. We will talk about this later." I don't know who's right or wrong, we are two people feeling things, I can see her point of view but I don't accept being cursed with so I am going to back off, maybe I can see her tomorrow maybe or maybe not. I am happy I said my boundaries and didn't judge her. I did my part best I could! I will be reading more articles.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2020, 09:02:39 PM by FedorZX » Logged
FedorZX

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Relationship status: In process of getting back together
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2020, 09:03:16 PM »

I will be updating this thread regularly.

We went on two or three dates so far. We went to the movie theaters and we spent almost 10 hours or so cuddling, making out, or having sex. It was passionate but I knew there were challenges to come.

Today we had conflict all through text message:
1)Today she asked me to shave for the next time I see her. I found this to be kind of controlling and it made me feel uncomfortable, but I also know she has soft skin. I obliged this request because it's not that big of a deal even though it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I told her I understood she has sensitive skin and that it makes sense to ask. I also told her it made me feel like I wasn't good enough as I was (it also came across as controlling to me but I did not share this judgement).
2) She then said some day I should meet up with her friend and her boyfriend on a double date. I told her I would in time but that felt too soon for me. She explained she wasn't ready yet either. Fine by me.
3) She asked me to move furniture for her. I told her that moving things and doing chores for her made me feel like a doormat in the past and that I wasn't comfortable. I said that I want to help her but requests of that nature make me worry. I told her I loved her and want to share how I feel. We both got triggered from the experience. She said she regretted asking and is never sure when to ask. I told her it's okay to ask and it's ok for me to not feel comfortable to do things. She said she was sad I said I understand I am too. She then said seeing me tomorrow might be too soon. I then said "It makes sense why would be worried it's a touchy subject for us. I understand why it feels like tomorrow is too soon when we both got triggered. It's okay if we don't see each other tomorrow if you need time. I understand and I am here for you".

She said she thought since I was going to stay the night tomorrow that it would be okay for me to move furniture. I said it was okay to have a misunderstanding then. She was saying "I didn't realize asking a question would come with so much ****." Basically she was triggered and lashing out. As I am typing this I am going to not respond until she has time to cool off. I told her "Let's have some space to think things over. We will talk about this later." I don't know who's right or wrong, we are two people feeling things, I can see her point of view but I don't accept being cursed with so I am going to back off, maybe I can see her tomorrow maybe or maybe not. I am happy I said my boundaries and didn't judge her. I did my part best I could! I will be reading more articles.

Edit: She said I need to forgive her for this to work. I think me bringing up how I felt in the past triggered her. Maybe I should have just said I am not comfortable doing that task for you and just should have left it at that. These mistakes or conflicts will happen regardless but it's good to think about.

I guess the thing is now I wonder why I started this up again. I enjoyed being idealized and I enjoyed the emotional closeness. My mother has BPD and in many ways it's reliving that trauma or some other kind of Freudian explanation. It feels weird to detach when she is having an episode but also still claim to love her. It feels disingenuous I guess. I do still care for her and I enjoy looking out for her. There's many similarities we share such as taste in music, sensitivity, introversion, shared interests, sense of humor. If anything my motivation was to see if anything was there. I don't mind having my boundary that I want to keep my feelings of self-esteem and humanity in-tact.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2020, 09:21:18 PM by FedorZX » Logged
Ozzie101
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« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2020, 07:48:35 AM »

How did things go over the weekend, FedorZX?
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FedorZX

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« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2020, 04:40:53 PM »

How did things go over the weekend, FedorZX?

She wasn't entirely sure if we should meet but we both decided we would take the chance and see each other Saturday 1/18/20. When I came to her house we greeted each other warmly with a hug and kiss. She had her dog with her that used to live with us together. Both the dog and her were very happy to see me. We were originally going to see a movie but instead we walked the dog and got coffee together. I left her and the dog outside and said I would get the coffee. It was cold and snowing outside so she decided to take the dog inside which is against regulations where we live. The owner of the coffee shop was looking at me and seemed peeved at her entering the cafe with an animal. He seemed to be looking at me as though I should do something, but I ignored it. I spoke to her about it and she said that the mailman told her to just go inside and it was too cold out. She didn't really seem to care that it was against the rules, which I found to be of note.

During the walk I told her that we used to pretend that when she got triggered it never happened. I told her that I accepted the parts of her which get triggered and I said that we spoke about them together. I said her being triggered didn't need to be a source of shame for her but it's understandable why she would feel shame or not want to talk about it. She was not triggered by me talking to her this way, and I would like to believe that we had dealt with her behavior in a way that was better than we did before. It felt like it was addressed in a way which didn't hide what happened and didn't shame it either. It felt like it was something which did not need to come up again. We went back into her house and went into bed and had sex probably about 4 or 5 times. We cuddled and kissed lovingly and watched shows together that Saturday and the following Sunday repeated the same routine. We had no incidents and were very loving. She had asked me to see her today Monday, but I said it felt too soon and I wanted to stick to the agreement to see each other weekends. This upcoming weekend she is going to Virginia to her family's house. She had invited me and I declined going which did not affect her. When I said I didn't want to move her furniture for her and was hesitant to take care of her dog during the trip, I said it made me uncomfortable, which it did, that was the source of her being triggered because I brought up the past.

I am still not sure how to handle her requests to do favors for her because I felt like it chipped away my sense of self. It made me feel used and unappreciated. So far I have basically only done what I felt was within I feel comfortable doing and have not been afraid of her reactions to this. She said she is not sure what is ok to ask, and I said anything is ok to ask but it is also ok if I say no to things. She asked me today to come over and that her mom made food she wanted me to try, but I declined. I feel like I saw enough of her since I was with her for the entirety of the weekend it was very intense. She brought up therapy today and that she will be hearing a call back any day now. We are both going to go to the same location, one therapist will be for her individually which she set up and I will be setting up therapy for us in a couple setting. I appreciated that she brought it up today which to me showed she is serious about seeking help. She has been trying therapists out while we were broken up which I told her I was proud of.

The way which I met my girlfriend who I will be calling "S" for the rest of my posts here was through my best friend who also ironically has BPD. S claims that my best friend had raped her during their encounters many years ago. My best friend was appalled at the accusation and I had spoke to S about this before weeks ago when we first started talking again. The way I understand it was that she felt so dissociated that it felt like a rape by her perception. I remember from the time my best friend and her were seeing each other that he said that he had "punched her in the face" and that she liked it. From what I know of all of all the time I have spent with S, she was always a very gentle person who is easily hurt. During our sex she always preferred gentle but that was only my experience. I do not know what happened, but from both testimonies I understand it not to be a "rape" of the forced sex kind but of the lack of consent and perhaps miscommunication realm. The sex between them was very odd to me and my best friend told me she had genital herpes which is true. When I first spoke to S 7 years ago I was perplexed at dating someone who has an STD since I was sexually inexperienced, someone who had sex with my best friend (and the manner of which they did which involved violence) along with her odd behavior so I decided to stop talking to her. This was a source of a lot of rage for when we dated before our break-up and I acted defensively which made things a lot worse. I have not heard of these encounters during our 2nd time dating which is going on currently.

All of this backstory leads into my current dilemma which is that my best friends birthday is a month from today and I was invited to surprise my best friend by his current girlfriend. His girlfriend is aware of the rape / sexual misconduct accusation and she basically said "we will play it by ear in light of the accusation". I told her I understood and I want to go to Vermont without S but I am not sure how to do this without triggering S, and frankly it's likely not even possible. Before S and I's break up she had bullied me into going to visit my best friend because "she wanted to face her sexual abuser". I did not feel comfortable with any of this and told her no but she screamed and yelled until I gave in. We lived together and I was exhausted.

Between you and I, I forgive and don't want to judge the character of anyone involved in this matter. I just want to go to visit my best friend for his birthday alone, but the issue is it falls on the weekend when S and I normally see each other. This whole situation with dating her is really messed up to explain. It's why I don't share with anyone that we are seeing each other again. I have lied and covered up that we see each other to people I am close to outside of the relationship because I can't deal with the judgement and the misunderstandings. It's so easy to cast judgement on such a situation, and I don't want to explain myself. I am not ready to yet and I am not sure when I will be. Dating her can be delicate and difficult enough. My current plan is to tell her I am going on vacation to see my best friend for his birthday. If she asks to come I will say no and that it's what I feel is best. It's one giant volcano waiting to erupt and some advice would be desperately needed in this regard.

Thank you for following my thread, it's very kind, and to the readers, I hope you get something out of my posts.

Regards,
FedorZX

Edit: I forgot to add that I feel like more of a leader in the relationship. She has been contributing a more equal share in the relationship in my opinion. I do not feel ruled over, but we are very early in the time seeing each other again. I am sure there will be tons of challenges. I feel a sense of exhaustion sometimes like now as I write this, so I take a break.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2020, 04:55:46 PM by FedorZX » Logged
Ozzie101
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« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2020, 09:09:36 AM »

Just curious -- I know you say you're going to do couples therapy with her, but have you done or considered therapy just for you? I and many others here find it extremely helpful as a way to work through our own issues and to have someone to talk to regarding our own feelings and thoughts. This site helps with that, too, of course.

How has she been reacting to your declining invitations? Have you thought through where you want this to go or what you want it to look like?
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FedorZX

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Relationship status: In process of getting back together
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« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2020, 10:45:53 PM »

Just curious -- I know you say you're going to do couples therapy with her, but have you done or considered therapy just for you? I and many others here find it extremely helpful as a way to work through our own issues and to have someone to talk to regarding our own feelings and thoughts. This site helps with that, too, of course.

How has she been reacting to your declining invitations? Have you thought through where you want this to go or what you want it to look like?

I am definitely going to receive individual therapy. I will be receiving such services in the near future hopefully from the same facility where we will be receiving couples therapy.

She has been mostly reacting with respect and acceptance to my declined invitations.There was one incident related to watching her dog which I posted about earlier in my post above.

What I want is her to be happy , supported, and receiving care even if it means me not being in her life. My ideal scenario is we are able to be on path of healing ourselves together, having a more healthy relationship, and for me to able to trust and understand her. I so anxious about being with her as a partner again. I am cautious but I do this because I love her. I love her story, every part of her physicality, her voice, the way it feels to be with her. I care about her, but there is a lot of fear and complication.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2020, 10:17:12 AM »

Therapy can be so helpful. Good for you! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Being anxious is normal, I think. You just want to be sure to be honest in your communications with her so no one gets the wrong idea. But also be compassionate and empathetic (if you want to have a chance at a future relationship).

You might want to take a look at a couple of communication workshops:
Empathy
D.E.A.R.M.A.N.
SET

Having these skills in your pocket can be a huge help (even in non-BPD relationships) that can build a stronger, healthier foundation.
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FedorZX

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« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2020, 06:49:34 PM »

Checking in here. Things have been mostly smooth sailing, when we have a conflict, I try to talk it out with her to make sure we don't hold onto anything. If she's upset, I listen to her and have been non-judgmental.

My SO w/ BPD has a lot of expectations for holidays like Valentine's Day and her birthday and she said she doesn't like to communicate them beforehand because she doesn't want to act like a "princess". Valentine's Day falls on my SO's mother's birthday so I though we agreed on not going out for dinner for V-Day. She sent me a text asking "so what are we doing tomorrow" and I was instantly triggered because I remember how badly she reacted when I didn't meet her expectations for her birthday. I panicked and she panicked from me panicking. I went out for a walk to calm down then we spoke it out and I discovered she wanted dinner for V-day even if it was for another day. I told her it was great that she communicated this and it was important to me. I had planned her gifts and went totally overboard out of desire for her to know that she loved me and also out of fear. She was thrilled with my gifts and said it was the best Valentine's Day she ever had. I was very pleased and took her out for dinner and a walk on the beach which she enjoyed too. It made me very happy to make her happy.

I remember one day I was spending the entire day to please my ex-girlfriend and took her on a date since she demanded it of me. I got really tired since we got home at 3am and went to sleep when she went to get something. She came back in the room and woke up to very intense shouting and crying. To this day I am very afraid of saying no to her about sex, terrified actually and I feel like I was sexually coerced. I am planning to bring this up in couple's therapy. It feels terrible to have had an experience like this.

I told her I wanted to go to a trip with friends on a weekend. She said she wanted to go to Turkey for a month and a half to meet with her family and learn about her deceased father more (he was Turkish). I told her not to worry about me and that I supported her decisions which I do. I also told her I wanted to hang with my friends on the days we would normally see each other.  I have been making time for friends even if it's on our normal times to hang out. She said that she always wanted to go where I was going and I told her that I will make every dream she has come true within my power. This seemed to go well but I don't know if she is just on her best behavior.

The point of this post is that even though things have been going much better than they were before, I get triggered from things of our past together. Even if I want to set a boundary, sometimes I have a LOT of fear regarding triggering her. I am most afraid of denying her sex I think because I woke up to screaming and legitimately was afraid because of that. I have a lot of anger about it and I think it was just plan old abusive. I want to resolve this with her with the help of the therapist. I have a ton of anger and it's one of the reasons I had to leave her after things got really bad after we moved in. She had self-harmed and I was beginning to lose my marbles, it wasn't a safe situation.
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« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2020, 10:14:38 AM »

Very interesting thread, very thorough.

Even if I want to set a boundary, sometimes I have a LOT of fear regarding triggering her. I am most afraid of denying her sex I think because I woke up to screaming and legitimately was afraid because of that. I have a lot of anger about it and I think it was just plan old abusive.

In my relationship I found this same thing to be true. I turned her down for sex once, and she got really angry and spun out of control. It actually frightened me and I talked with a therapist about it. I was sexually abused as a boy and it seemed to me to be really bad thing for her to do to me since I had told her about the abuse.

And yet, she in the last 10 months completely cut off sex, turned me down 4 times in a single weekend, acted like she didn't know what I was doing when I reached for her when we went to bed, ignored (as in, didn't even respond) to texts to come over and connect, etc etc
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FedorZX

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« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2020, 12:42:37 AM »

Quarantine and old friend raping gf
I have been meaning to post here for a while. There's much that happened since my gf and I have been together, that it almost feels too daunting of a task to explain but I'll try! We had been living together for 60 days about during this Corona-virus outbreak. It in many ways just happened, I wasn't really thinking ahead to the idea that having over my place would mean we would be stuck together. We really got to know each other well during this time. I was able to make her feel heard.


 We discussed the conflict of a now ex-best friend (D) having raped my girlfriend  8 years ago. D has been diagnosed with BPD and we had been friends for almost a decade now. When my gf said he had raped her this year it was very shocking to me. I confronted D and he responded with shock and denial, lots of ad hominem about how my gf was ashamed of being slut, that she was rewriting history. I looked at the fb messages between the two of them and the tone of the messages from D were very abusive. Right after their first encounter she was saying that she felt sexually assaulted. The assault was when they first met. It's complicated because she had sex with him for hours because she said it felt too late so she may as well not have acted like a rape victim. She saw him several times afterward. He said that since they had sex for hours and she continued to see him it couldn't have been a rape their first time. I made the judgement my girlfriend was telling the truth and not my friend based on a variety of reasons. I knew my friend at this time and he spoke about how women enjoyed being abused by him, he was mentally ill with mother issues, the way he dismissed my girlfriend's rape.

Anyway,  a few days ago, my girlfriend and I discussed the rape, losing her friends, and her dad's death by accident and it led to us shouting and her hitting herself and me. I screamed at the top of my lungs at her while driving, since I became triggered too that she was displacing the anger of these things on me and saying I didn't care about her. Later on we spoke about my ex-gf and she kept asking me if I gave my ex oral sex over and over again. I asked to not want to answer it then became defensive after her repetition of the question and said I didn't bother her about the oral sex she gave other men. Then she said at least they had sex with me properly and didn't have a small genitalia. I was hurt by this and tried to walk out, she blocked my exit, I asked her to stop, she wouldn't, so I carried / pushed her onto the bed as she asked me to beat her up. Sat on the couch and she slapped me  hard in the face/ear. I told her she wasn't allowed in my apartment after this. She packed up her things peacefully and I drove her home after couples therapy.

It might sound crazy, but as hurt as I am about what happened between us, I'm happy to have space between us and feel like she didn't mean any of it. She couldn't process her emotions was triggered. She apologized about it to me and felt guilt. Her actions after the fact seemed to suggest she really just wasn't in control of herself. It doesn't make it right so I had her move out, but I am speaking about intentions, which I believe were not malicious. This was not our only fight for quarantine, it was about a trigger with violence and shouting per week. This last bout was the most violent against me so I had reached my breaking point.
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FedorZX

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« Reply #14 on: May 26, 2020, 02:31:07 AM »

I feel really broken like when she hit me in the ear really hard she smacked all of the attraction out of me. I don't feel like I could believe she loves me anymore. It's a feeling of indifference and my trust feels gone. I feel responsible for the abuse that happened in our relationship when we lived together even though it wasn't really my fault I felt like I was the competent person. It's hard to look at her and feel loved and wanted.

Instead of giving up, I feel like my trust is gone. I'm not sure if I can recover my feelings to want to be in this relationship. It's a weird feeling because when we started living together it felt like I couldn't control anything anymore, like my new goal was to not surrender to the abuse and just take everything to show that I cared. I wish I knew how to set boundaries for abuse better but it's hard for me to know sometimes.

I feel just awful right now and I am unsure how to proceed. We still talk but she feels like a stranger now or like someone who no longer resides in the romantic part of my heart. I care for her like a friend but it felt like a final straw for me emotionally to invest in someone like this.
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FedorZX

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« Reply #15 on: May 26, 2020, 10:20:23 AM »

One thing worth mentioning too is this is likely a trauma bond or a codependent relationship. My mother was BPD so I am rehashing the past all over again it feels like. Being hit by her didn't hurt physically but it violated me. No one should put their hands on me if they claim to love me. She's being really nice on messenger and it makes me feel mad because whenever she is nice I hate it so much because it reminds me of my childhood of feeling safe and vulnerable then getting hurt.

My parents won't speak to me because I expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship and felt that their trauma was put onto me. My dad never tried to reach out since I moved out a ~year ago and my mom recently told me "I am still grateful for having had you. There were moments that were so beautiful they make up for everything" and "Look. Just blame me for everything. That's simple and dismissive. I'm a big ****** disappointment to you. Too late. I'm your mother. Can't change it."

I want the cycle to just end. I have a lot of resentment.
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« Reply #16 on: June 02, 2020, 03:11:17 AM »

wow.

a lot happened in a short amount of time.

are you okay? any update?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
FedorZX

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« Reply #17 on: June 09, 2020, 09:24:56 PM »

wow.

a lot happened in a short amount of time.

are you okay? any update?

In light of being physically and emotionally abused I decided to break things off. I will be figuring out how to make my life better and how to manage my own trauma.

It's anyone's guess if our relationship would have been successful or lasted longer had we not been quarantined together but alas I am not good at setting boundaries. It doesn't really matter anymore, there's a difference between mental illness and abuse. I was being an apologist for my abuser in many ways.

I got into the relationship with bright eyes but also knew that this could have been a scenario. I don't feel like people understand what it's like to have lost everyone I loved. I lost my father to codependency, my mother to her illness, my ex-girlfriend to her giving into her abusive tendencies and mental illness, my Uncle to his smoking. Some of these people I lost are still alive but are dead in my own world. My friends have largely moved on in their lives as they approach their 30s. I thought about ending it all, but I have decided that I would like to still fight on in life and perhaps work on myself in some shape or fashion. I have made many mistakes and the sense of dread I feel is pretty enormous but alas I have decided there's still something to live for. I am planning on losing weight, continuing my personal therapy sessions, volunteering in my local community and going to the gym once I can, etc.

It's kind of unfortunate how few people have been able to understand or reach me emotionally due to: the impact of the civil unrest in the United States from this corona-virus and the protests, the complexity of my issues, everyone having their own worries, etc. I was closer than I ever was to suicide recently, it was shocking how close I felt to it. I should be okay, I have been setting goals and using my journal more.

This will be the last post I make in this thread. All in all, I would not want her to be the mother of my children and everything in my future seems ever more unknown. Thanks for all of the support. Good bye.
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« Reply #18 on: June 10, 2020, 03:47:16 AM »

Dear FedorZX-

I understand that you wish to end this thread.  I get that and there’s no need for you to respond to me.  I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been through in your relationship. 

It’s clear you tried your best, and I wish to point out that placing a foot down on violence IS enforcement of a personal boundary.  We don’t *plan* for this... my 19-year marriage ended the night my exH threw me across the room.  He had never before lifted a finger toward me.  Sometimes there is that single action that just sucks the remaining life out of a relationship... and there’s no turning back.  And I believe we have to receive that “message” when it’s given to us.

What’s clear to me is that you have a beautiful and compassionate soul.  I do understand feeling so alone and hopeless, but Please don’t give up on yourself.  I’m not sure if you’ve seen it, but there’s a section on this site (PSI -“Parents, siblings, in-laws with BPD”) that may be of interest to you.  The PSI section may give you additional understanding of your childhood; but more importantly, talking with people who have lived what you’ve lived.  And it sounds as if you have good insight to share.

Finally, as you move through the ending of your relationship, you may experience “bumps” in your recovery.  The “Detaching” section can provide support for you if you want or need that.

Relationships with pwBPD are DIFFICULT and very complex.  And ending these relationships can be quite a mess.  It took about 5 breakups and recycles for me to finally end the relationship with my BPD/NPD BF. 

Please know, there ARE people here who understand and will support you.  Quarantine has not made things any easier.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

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