Ex has new lease on life... I'm a wreck

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

New here, first post...
I'm in the process of healing from a two year roller coaster. It's been about two months since he told me that we are done. I have been replaced, by an ex of his from 25 years ago, in about a week (he lined her up a month before and already thinking marriage). Without going too much into it, he has a family history of bi-polar disorder and that's what I thought he might have had, but it didn't quite fit the symptom criteria and I begged him to get into therapy to figure out where his thought patterns and darkness and irrational rage comes from. I finally helped him get health insurance and found a therapist and he started going about two months before he left me. Then hammer came down and he was done with me.
His "dealbreaker" : A year ago I didn't want to move into his house. I have a teenage daughter and didn't feel ready and safe moving her into his home. I wanted reassurance that he would get better so that she and I have a loving home. But instead of listening and talking like adults he felt I rejected him and he effectively shut down and stopped loving me in the course of the next year.

It was an amazing beginning, a stressful middle and a devastating end to our relationship.

I've been a mess since our breakup. I don't even recognize myself, and nor do my friends and family.
My search for answers led me to pretty much diagnose him with BPD. He has all 9 criteria, all be it to varying degrees.

Last week he contacted me via text and unraveled all the work I've been doing to heal. The following is based on two conversations after the text:

He told me that he missed me terribly. I took a few days to process this and figured he must have been in a fight with his new gf. I needed clarification and I reached out to him. We had a civil conversation and he told me he did in fact miss me and regretted what happened between us and the breakup and he's concerned he's making mistake upon mistake. Yes he did fight with his gf while she was away for the weekend, but now they are all good. Missing and regretting aside, he still chose to be with someone else. 

I wound up telling him that I might have found what he is suffering from and told him about BPD. (He also has OCD, he is obsessively frugal, and a host of other very negative traits that slowly reared their ugly head throughout our two years together.)
He was VERY receptive and actually looked into it and was happy to know that there is a reason to this madness. I told him that he needs to really work on himself and be responsible for his actions and words and I don't want to hear from him again if he wants a bandaid, only if he makes a different choice and a complete 180. We both agreed that if we were to go back now it would still be the same turmoil.

He is now diving head first into DBT and he told his gf, who accepted it and even made a joke she might have BPT too (not funny to me.) I want to say I am happy that he is taking the steps to get better, but I am mad at myself for telling him about it and thinking that I gave him the tools to finally find his happiness but with someone else. I feel like he deserves to know and fix himself and I'm glad I told him, but I'm resentful that he is choosing to make himself a better person for another. (Gosh I sound so selfish!) I love him still, I want him to be happy. I just wish I would have known about this in the first year of our relationship so I could have shed light on it and we could have worked through it all or at least had a fighting chance.

I guess I'm trying to find justify holding on. Is it worth hanging in there? How do BPD's reconcile missing an ex and still choosing someone else? How do I move on when my dreams for a future with him have been squashed? Any insight would be helpful. TIA

[Vast Muse]

New here, first post...
I'm in the process of healing from a two year roller coaster. It's been about two months since he told me that we are done. I have been replaced, by an ex of his from 25 years ago, in about a week (he lined her up a month before and already thinking marriage). Without going too much into it, he has a family history of bi-polar disorder and that's what I thought he might have had, but it didn't quite fit the symptom criteria and I begged him to get into therapy to figure out where his thought patterns and darkness and irrational rage comes from. I finally helped him get health insurance and found a therapist and he started going about two months before he left me. Then hammer came down and he was done with me.
His "dealbreaker" : A year ago I didn't want to move into his house. I have a teenage daughter and didn't feel ready and safe moving her into his home. I wanted reassurance that he would get better so that she and I have a loving home. But instead of listening and talking like adults he felt I rejected him and he effectively shut down and stopped loving me in the course of the next year.

It was an amazing beginning, a stressful middle and a devastating end to our relationship.

I've been a mess since our breakup. I don't even recognize myself, and nor do my friends and family.
My search for answers led me to pretty much diagnose him with BPD. He has all 9 criteria, all be it to varying degrees.

Last week he contacted me via text and unraveled all the work I've been doing to heal. The following is based on two conversations after the text:

He told me that he missed me terribly. I took a few days to process this and figured he must have been in a fight with his new gf. I needed clarification and I reached out to him. We had a civil conversation and he told me he did in fact miss me and regretted what happened between us and the breakup and he's concerned he's making mistake upon mistake. Yes he did fight with his gf while she was away for the weekend, but now they are all good. Missing and regretting aside, he still chose to be with someone else. 

I wound up telling him that I might have found what he is suffering from and told him about BPD. (He also has OCD, he is obsessively frugal, and a host of other very negative traits that slowly reared their ugly head throughout our two years together.)
He was VERY receptive and actually looked into it and was happy to know that there is a reason to this madness. I told him that he needs to really work on himself and be responsible for his actions and words and I don't want to hear from him again if he wants a bandaid, only if he makes a different choice and a complete 180. We both agreed that if we were to go back now it would still be the same turmoil.

He is now diving head first into DBT and he told his gf, who accepted it and even made a joke she might have BPT too (not funny to me.) I want to say I am happy that he is taking the steps to get better, but I am mad at myself for telling him about it and thinking that I gave him the tools to finally find his happiness but with someone else. I feel like he deserves to know and fix himself and I'm glad I told him, but I'm resentful that he is choosing to make himself a better person for another. (Gosh I sound so selfish!) I love him still, I want him to be happy. I just wish I would have known about this in the first year of our relationship so I could have shed light on it and we could have worked through it all or at least had a fighting chance.

I guess I'm trying to find justify holding on. Is it worth hanging in there? How do BPD's reconcile missing an ex and still choosing someone else? How do I move on when my dreams for a future with him have been squashed? Any insight would be helpful. TIA

[SinisterComplex]

So, first. It sucks how you were treated. I get it. Your feelings are valid. However, release. Thinking about providing him the tools necessary to find happiness with someone else is the wrong mindset to have. Your relationship was never going to work out. Be happy you are done. Tip your cap. Wish him well and move on. Life is too short. You deserve better than what you are giving yourself credit for.

Also, with this disorder...he may get better, but the odds are not high that his new relationship will be forever happily ever after. Stop thinking about that. Focus on you and making yourself happy.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Vast Muse]

Thanks so much SC!
I'm sure as you know by all the posts here easier said than done.  You are 100% right and I am the rational, logical person who understands the bigger picture and still, I got conditioned to the small, good things that made the relationship with him feel like no other love I've had before. It was a very real illusion and I got addicted. Possibly codependent and bonded to the trauma. I'm working with a therapist myself after all of this.

He likes to say things like - with every relationship he gets closer to his ideal and that the universe keeps bringing him women he can see the future with. That's sounds so transactional to me.
To your point that it may not be a forever happily ever after with his new gf - he is apparently very committed to working on DBT (thought not sure if his therapist is equipped, he is most likely to do it on his own, he is like that) and he has made a full commitment to his gf, so I guess he is highly motivated, though he hasn't had followthrough so far and you might be correct. Still, it's so painful to know he was telling me that he would never hurt me  and that I make him want to be a better person, he didn't have the tools and now he does and he's saying the same things to his new "love".
Reading all these threads does make me feel better and gives me perspective I can't get from my friends. It's so true that people who have never come across borderlines will never fully grasp the depths to which they affect those who have.

We left off that last convo saying good bye for good/or until the universe decides to bring our paths together again (if you believe in that kind of thing.) I am taking it a day at a time,  he's still my last and first thought of the day, and I can't imagine giving my love and trust to another person, and the tears come without warning.  I know I deserve better all around, and that he isn't worth the love and effort I poured into our relationship. I also, can't say I'm not grateful for the lessons I've learned with him. I just have to stop the wishful thinking. Glad to have a place to put the words and thoughts out.

[cathegreat]

Hi,
I am new to this website also. I completely agree with what SC wrote to you. You are grieving. That is good. Go through all 5 stages of grief so that you can let go and move on. I'm glad you were so careful with your daughter. Take that kind of care with yourself.
Cat

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks so much SC!
I'm sure as you know by all the posts here easier said than done.  You are 100% right and I am the rational, logical person who understands the bigger picture and still, I got conditioned to the small, good things that made the relationship with him feel like no other love I've had before. It was a very real illusion and I got addicted. Possibly codependent and bonded to the trauma. I'm working with a therapist myself after all of this.

He likes to say things like - with every relationship he gets closer to his ideal and that the universe keeps bringing him women he can see the future with. That's sounds so transactional to me.
To your point that it may not be a forever happily ever after with his new gf - he is apparently very committed to working on DBT (thought not sure if his therapist is equipped, he is most likely to do it on his own, he is like that) and he has made a full commitment to his gf, so I guess he is highly motivated, though he hasn't had followthrough so far and you might be correct. Still, it's so painful to know he was telling me that he would never hurt me  and that I make him want to be a better person, he didn't have the tools and now he does and he's saying the same things to his new "love".
Reading all these threads does make me feel better and gives me perspective I can't get from my friends. It's so true that people who have never come across borderlines will never fully grasp the depths to which they affect those who have.

We left off that last convo saying good bye for good/or until the universe decides to bring our paths together again (if you believe in that kind of thing.) I am taking it a day at a time,  he's still my last and first thought of the day, and I can't imagine giving my love and trust to another person, and the tears come without warning.  I know I deserve better all around, and that he isn't worth the love and effort I poured into our relationship. I also, can't say I'm not grateful for the lessons I've learned with him. I just have to stop the wishful thinking. Glad to have a place to put the words and thoughts out.

Please continue to vent. I will observe and monitor. Where I come in is that perspective is to teach people to learn how to seek validation from within. Since we live in a society that is far too focused on external validation I believe it is more important than ever to choose to be different. Why you might ask? Its the idea that if you learn to love and appreciate yourself and get to know yourself better you will naturally attract better people into your life. Not only will you attract better people into your life, but also better and more positive outcomes and opportunities. Quality over quantity all day everyday.

I was more brief with my first response because I wanted to gauge where you are at. So I am letting you know...what you are feeling and thinking is totally normal and par for the course. I can assure you...in time it will pass. Yes it is incredibly hard. However, the best lessons in life are learned through pain and difficulty and that is so you do not forget the lessons. The idea is to never repeat the mistakes of the past.

Perhaps the one thing I will tell you...learn to let a competitive nature into your head. What I mean...do not give him any power. Do not let him control you. Eff that! Start telling yourself I control ME. I walk my own path. I deserve respect. I deserve love. No one else completes you, but you yourself! If you can learn to make yourself whole on your own then you will find someone enhances and makes your life better. However, think outcome independence...your life will be great with or without someone else. In essence the more you increase your value on your own the stronger your boundaries become and the higher your expectations which means the disordered individuals will stay away from you and you will bring the people toward you who admire you and want to share in what you bring to the table.

As a last point of reference...as it pertains to the powers of the universe...I would recommend you read up on karmic relationships and learn what the definition of karma really means. I think that will provide you some solace ;-)

Ok, I've given you plenty to chew on so I will leave it at that. I am definitely here for support and truly wish and hope the best for you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Mutt]

To your point that it may not be a forever happily ever after with his new gf - he is apparently very committed to working on DBT (thought not sure if his therapist is equipped, he is most likely to do it on his own, he is like that) and he has made a full commitment to his gf, so I guess he is highly motivated, though he hasn't had followthrough so far and you might be correct.

You said that he is with an ex from 25 years ago that may also have BPD traits. A pwBPD have emotional arrested development of a child around d 2 or 3 years old and don’t have the skills to maintain a healthy emotional r/s. I doubt that either have grown much in the past 25 years and the problems that plagued them then will resurface again.

I don’t think that he’s doing the DBT for his ex I think the message is directed to you. Why mention DBT to you when he’s in a r/s with someone else? Let’s say that he says that you are the problem in the r/s and he doesn’t have any problems and neither does his current gf then why would you say that you’re taking DBT to change behavioral patterns?

I don’t think that the current r/s is stable enough where he feels confident that he does not need an exit plan.

He’s trying to get a feel for where he is at with you.

[SinisterComplex]

"I don’t think that the current r/s is stable enough where he feels confident that he does not need an exit plan.

He’s trying to get a feel for where he is at with you."

I agree with Mutt here 1000%. This is spot on. Sadly this is how the psychology works. An overlapper move. The grass is always greener. Has to make sure the bridge hasn't been burned down to a crisp. Create a safety net...the back burner relationship. No matter what is projected...this is what is hidden beneath surface.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Vast Muse]

Wow Mutt and SC, that's a very interesting insight.

 

"Create a safety net...the back burner relationship. No matter what is projected...this is what is hidden beneath surface."

This is definitely an a good point! He may not come back to me, he did want to be absolved of his guilt. All about his ego.

You said that he is with an ex from 25 years ago that may also have BPD traits.

I don't know if she has BPD for all I know it was a bad joke, however, she did "fall in love" right back with him quite fast (2 weeks)! They dated for a very short time 25 years ago and got separated by distance and never rekindled when they were back in the same town, sort of fell off each other's radar. At the moment she is in the "process" of filing for divorce from a mentally abusive H. Apparently she completely forgave my ex for his recent outburst, after he told her about BPD and promised to work on it for the sake of their new relationship and she is on board with him working through this. So that's some baggage to unpack right there! Just to be clear she seems quite sweet, and possibly naive (like I was) to the reality of this disorder and what she is getting into. 

As for the ex: Not sure if he is actually working with a therapist or just reading a DBT workbook, he looked into it after I mentioned it, he didn't mention it to me (I have a source). He IS using BPD as an excuse for his past behavior, now that he knows that there is an actual cause, like "Oops, I have BPD.. I couldn't control myself, so you can't get mad, my bad". But, he is committed to working on himself, and he is trying to be good to her at the same time. I don't think I'm his motivation. I only got credit for setting him on the road to recovery. He is definitely idolizing her. He is already doing things for her he frowned about doing for me. How long this will last only time will tell. 

So I realized something:  The reason I'm still holding on to him, and the possibility of a bright future with him (living in a fantasy world much?) is because if I let him go I lose him for good, and I would rather hold on to the pain than the prospect of nothing at all. I see now that borderlines suck you into their bubble and create this illusion of beautiful possibilities, then the bubble bursts and you are left grasping for the love and connection you thought you had.
So I'm letting it go because I am tired of all the negative thoughts that I have about my future without him. I'm a positive, optimistic, happy person... and I hate what I've become because of this breakup, gotta get back to my baseline.

[Mutt]

At the moment she is in the "process" of filing for divorce from a mentally abusive H. Apparently she completely forgave my ex for his recent outburst, after he told her about BPD and promised to work on it for the sake of their new relationship and she is on board with him working through this.

It’s a rebound r/s. The chances of it really sticking are not great.  The H is still the primary r/s and who knows maybe they’ll reconcile or maybe not, it’s not a hard and fast rule that they are really done.

It sounds like you know what you want  . I think you’re on the right path with letting him go. Short term pain for long term gain.