The Switch

[paperinkart]

This morning we were planning summer trips together and now he just messaged me and said “do we even love each other?” And when I pressed for more information, all he could say was “I don’t know”.

Okay, awesome. I tried harder to get him to talk to me and now I’m just being ignored. This is honestly the worst. This week and a half has been SO up and down, and I just want it to go back to normal...except I’m scared this is my new normal. I feel sick with anxiety now because I don’t know how long this silence will last or what he’s even feeling and why? Gosh, this is so frustrating.

I’m trying not to hit the panic button but I’m getting really close.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm glad you came here.     Let's talk.    Can you identify anything that may have triggered this switch? Life changes, a recent conflict? I know you had a text fight not too long ago.

When he is distant like this, have you found it more helpful to pursue him or give him space?

[paperinkart]

You have a good memory!

Thank you for chatting with me. We did have a minor fight last week. He called the next morning and apologized profusely. We had a misunderstanding last night where I THOUGHT he was ignoring me. I’m ashamed to admit that I totally panicked and flew off the handle. I called and called and called and sent a barrage of messages.

He called again this morning to apologize that he had fallen asleep with his phone on silent and swore he wasn’t ignoring me. So things were good and normal this morning after that. We were texting all morning while he was at work. I couldn’t reply for a little while as I was driving. He seemed upset that I wasn’t talking to him and then I got “why are we always so mad at each other? Do we even love each other”?”

I’m also ashamed to admit that I didn’t handle this any better the second time around. I have such a fear of abandonment and it’s SO triggered when this happens. I’ve sent so many desperate messages and I’m so embarrassed. I just keep thinking “how can he see I’m so upset and not reply?”.

I’ve given up for now. No more messages. I won’t call him either. I don’t know how to get this silent treatment to STOP once and for all. He never can explain why he’s doing it and he always feels awful after- so why does it keep happening?

Thanks again for talking and listening

[pursuingJoy]

Is it fair to say that you trigger each other's fears of abandonment pretty frequently? Maybe this is what he's referring to when he asks why you're always so mad at each other. I can imagine how tiring this might be for both of you. 

I’m ashamed to admit that I totally panicked and flew off the handle. I called and called and called and sent a barrage of messages.

You can identify the role your own fears play.  What is your plan next time this happens? What steps can you take to self-soothe before taking your panic to him?