Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:37:06 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I am going to need your help please  (Read 535 times)
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« on: January 16, 2020, 09:15:37 PM »

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

I am going to write a very lengthy post.  I have nowhere else to turn for nonbiased honest advice.

I am a 34-year-old Autistic male, and I am in love with a beautiful lady who has undiagnosed BPD but has been diagnosed with BPD traits.  She and I have been together for 7 years now.  We have had our problems and as you read on you will get a good idea hopefully to the degree of the issues we have had.  I really need help knowing if this is a time that is time to give up or keep going.

I met her when we were kids and we had a little short lived boy friend girlfriend thing.  It only lasted about a week, and then I was too weird for her so we broke up and I had not spoke to her for many years.  Fast forward to 2013 and I tracked her down on Facebook through a mutual friend.  I messaged her and we started talking.  It seemed like we hit it off very well very quickly.  She seemed to fall in love with me as quickly as I was with her. 

Looking back on this beginning I should have seen the warning signs.  Throughout my post I will add to it how I am able to reflect and see things now that I missed then.  When we first started seeing each other I was living with my parents, and trying to build a network marketing company.  She was living with her alcoholic dad, her sister and her sisters drug addict thief husband.  So her living environment was already one that did not foster a positive environment for her.  So she was very clingy in the very beginning.  She clung to me and fought with me when I wanted to do work on my network marketing business, and fought with me to stop doing that and come over instead.  Often times she would win, because I was falling hard for her.  She seemed perfect like nothing could possibly be wrong with our relationship and I finally found my soul mate.

Only a few months in to our relationship her dad discovered her sisters husband had been stealing from his garage and scrapping the stuff for money, and because she was someone who was helping he kicked all of them out of his house.  With her not having anywhere to go except a homeless shelter, I begged my parents to let her move in with us so she would not be homeless, and so eventually her son would be able to live with her full time instead of staying with her friend at the time where he was staying. 

She also smoked weed to help her be able to eat because she is also type 1 diabetic and she said it helped settle her stomach so she could eat, and also helped her be able to sleep.  I did not like the weed thing, and definitely did not enjoy having to sit in the car for sometimes hours while she smoked, but I felt this is what you do when you love someone.  Eventually I would begin trying to convince her to stop smoking because it was often times my money she used to buy it and that was expensive. 

After some time the real BPD symptoms started to show up, and when they did our relationship became very different.  It started small, just her yelling at me, and kicking her feet, to me it appears as if its a small child on the floor throwing a temper tantrum.  She would yell very degrading names and phrases at me trying to get me to agree to her way, or do what she wants me to.  I come from a very abusive childhood, and at this point I did not know I was struggling with Autism.   All I knew was it made me very uncomfortable and caused me to freeze up.

I remember one fight like it just happened, we were in the car, and I was telling her about my internet business stuff, and plan to make money with it faster.  She went in to a rage because I ruined her relaxing smoking time talking about my "computer PLEASE READ" so she threw a major tantrum in the car, only this time she ended up repeatedly slamming my head in to the passenger window.  This should have been where I drew the line and told her if she ever put her hands on me again I would be done.  But I did not instead it freaked me out caused me to retreat in to the house, lay down in a bed with the door to the room locked and cry.    She did feel remorse and came to me crying and apologized.  This was the start of a relationship with some even worse toxic behavior on both sides.  After this incident, I started to find support online with some female friends on Facebook, and then it escalated to me setting up a dating profile just to flirt with pretty girls and have them be nice to me so I felt good about myself. 

I am not blaming my behavior on her, it was what I taught myself to do as a coping mechanism when I felt a relationship was about to end.  The behavior kept getting more and more horrible from me as her behavior and anger progressed.  She caught me in 2015, and I felt really bad, and promised to stop.  I begged her to stay with me because I loved her, still love her.  I just was not able to understand at the time the severity of my actions. 

She and I stayed together I tried to stop the behavior I even got a therapist.  But I could not because I had very low self esteem, and her behavior actually got increasingly worse due to the lack of trust.  I was in college too at this point for going for a degree in Internet Marketing.  She would not only split on me for what I began deeming as typical reasons (not waking her up on time when she never told me to, talking about her quitting smoking weed, for talking about computer stuff while she smoked...etc).  Now on top of those common splitting reasons now she would split if I decided to try to get better with my hygiene because I usually would go a long time without a shower, shave or brushing my teeth.  Then in April of 2018 I got a brand new job a month before graduating from college in the career field I was going to school for so I was very excited about.  I also wanted to make a good impression so I started to shower more, and I had went to get myself lunch at a mid level burger place and she saw the price and it triggered her to think I had taken someone from work to lunch.  By this point I was getting irritated defending myself and I had not done that but I had not that long before that point been chatting online again.  I kept trying to quit doing that too, and when I got the new job I decided to try to stop that stuff again . 

So when she kept asking me to see my bank account, and why I was dressing better, showering, shaving and brushing my teeth more she still felt I was lying to her when I said it was to make a good impression.  She became so out of controll she slit both her wrists in front of me and swallowed a handful of tylenol pm's.

I had my mother call 911 and they came and took her to a hospital.  She completely cut ties with me and my family while she was in the hospital, would not tell us anything that was going on.  She was very upset with me and blamed me for her being taken away which I guess it is because of my calling she was taken, plus her acts of trying to kill herself in front of me.  But she holds that against me like I did something against her. 

After she got out of the hospital even though I had stopped before the new job she found all of the older conversations I was having with these women, and this threw her in to an even bigger rage.  Yet she hit a moment while staying with her friend after getting out of the hospital where she started showing very passionate love towards me and wanting to come home. 

I should of not allowed this because she was still very traumatized, and it probably made it worse.  I made an even bigger committment that I have stuck to to this day now though of never even talking to the opposite sex in an innocent flirty way.  I have been open with her, I do not even drive anymore due to a car accident that I had thats cause me great fear of driving.  So she drives me to and from work, and everything but she still has these paranoia moments, where she goes off the deep end.   She has punched me in the face multiple times now, and I kept giving her opportunities to stop. 

This last time she became enraged because of me checking on her mood, and sugar because of how she was acting, and this rage lasted for two and half days.  I left the apartment we share together on the second day when she said she was going to kill me and grabbed a knife from the kitchen, and she stopped herself and stormed out of the house to go to the store.  When she did I ordered an uber and left.

I told her because throughout our relationship she would go to a therapist here and there for anger, and such but there always seemed to be something wrong with the therapist so she would stop.  So this time I told her I was not coming back until she got a therapist, a psych eval, and treatment plan in place because I do not feel safe.

She has began to try to beg me to come home I have been gone almost 2 weeks now and shes continually texted me, and lashed out, and then apologized the same cycle we always go through only its through text/phone calls which is a bit safer.  But I do not feel comfortable giving in and breaking my ultimatum but at the same time I feel responsible for her condition becoming worse.  So I do not know what to do.  I do not know if this relationship is just no longer worth fighting for, or if I am wrong for leaving the apartment.  I still send her money for things she needs. I just do not know what to do.  I am happy to clarify I know this post is all over the place.  Please help me I do love her and ideally would like to see her actually get the help she needs to not flip out as much or as violently.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

2Loyal2Long
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married and Separated
Posts: 78



« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2020, 06:59:43 PM »

First off, welcome!  Thank you for the details, that’s always very helpful.

As it’s the weekend more will most likely see your post and can offer insight.

Have you looked at some of our resources yet?

Welcome to your safe space, I’m happy to offer what I can when I have more time.

I hear your pain, you’re not alone.  So glad you’re here!
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2020, 07:06:43 PM »

Hi aspiemaleinlove,

Welcome

Excerpt
Looking back on this beginning I should have seen the warning signs

I think that we could all say that we have made this mistake but is it really a mistake if the person is disordered or not disordered we see the other person in a way where they have zero faults they are perfect in the honeymoon phase for a few weeks then the newness wears off and we start seeing things differently.

Excerpt
She seemed perfect like nothing could possibly be wrong with our relationship and I finally found my soul mate.

It happens fast and intense a pwBPD will tell you very intimate things quickly that will make it feel like they are your soul mate and maybe the person really is your soul mate but she happens to have a disorder but like I said before you can take the disorder out of the equation and have a non disordered person that has better boundaries and it you will still view them as perfect because it is the honeymoon phase.

Excerpt
She went in to a rage because I ruined her relaxing smoking time talking about my "computer PLEASE READ" so she threw a major tantrum in the car, only this time she ended up repeatedly slamming my head in to the passenger window.

I'm very sorry that you had to go through what a difficult thing to go through.

Excerpt
After this incident, I started to find support online with some female friends on Facebook, and then it escalated to me setting up a dating profile just to flirt with pretty girls and have them be nice to me so I felt good about myself.

I can relate with that I have set up profiles in the past because I didn't want to end up being alone again and had a feeling that the r/s that I was in was going to end because it was bad.

You said that you came from an abusive back ground that is your support network like with friends for example do you have someone that is non judgmental and supportive that you can turn to in real life.

Excerpt
So when she kept asking me to see my bank account, and why I was dressing better, showering, shaving and brushing my teeth more she still felt I was lying to her when I said it was to make a good impression.  She became so out of controll she slit both her wrists in front of me and swallowed a handful of tylenol pm's.

Wow that must of been incredibly hard!

Excerpt
I had my mother call 911 and they came and took her to a hospital.  She completely cut ties with me and my family while she was in the hospital,

You saved her life you would think that there would be more gratitude then what she was showing you. You're not responsible for someone else's actions she made an impulsive choice and you did the right thing by calling for an ambulance.

Excerpt
So I do not know what to do.

Are you safe right now?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2020, 07:17:26 PM »

To answer two of the questions you asked.  I am safe right now, and I do not really have a good support system.  My family while there is no longer abuse they are very biased and not objective.  I am staying with them though so I am safe.

It sucks though because she has gone for therapy before but always seems to give up.  She makes it out like they did something wrong, or are not the right fit for her.  So I am concerned to go back too soon.  if I do at all...  I feel responsible for her because like me she has even less support.

Thanks for the response.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2020, 07:36:39 PM »

It sounds like she is highly emotionally dysregulated, I would suggest that you at least wait until she returns to her emotional baseline of happiness she will eventually - it may take time there could be external things aside from you that would add to her dysregulation. That's going to be hard to tell from here.

You didn't share anything here where you would be fighting with her verbally, but I would not get into am argument with her because that will prolong her from going back to baseline.

I think that you know that it was not safe for you to be there hence why you left and I think that you know that it is not safe for you to return yet. You're probably feeling a lot of guilt from how she is behaving and probably from the things that she is saying to you - you feel a sense of responsibility but as I previously stated we are not responsible for someone else's feelings even if that person does not know how to self regulate their emotions it's something that she has to do for herself.

I think that you did the right thing by removing yourself from harms way and from reaching out to talk to others to get some feedback and some advice. I would not advise to go back for now because of your safety and how she is emotionally dysregulated you will not be able to reason with her, she will be acting from the emotional portion of her brain and will not be able to think clearly. I would suggest to stay put for now and talk about it.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2020, 08:19:14 PM »

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you posted as no one should or needs to go through something like this alone.

It is good you are safe.  Mutt gave you some great feedback and support so i am not going to repeat anything there.  I do want to give you a couple of resources we give to members who are experiencing domestic violence like you described here.  Take your time reading through them. 

Domestic Violence [for men]

Borderline personality disorder and physical abuse

SAFETY FIRST
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFTY PLAN
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2020, 09:16:42 PM »

Thanks again for replying and for the resources.   She has definitely made me feel really bad for leaving telling me I abandoned her.   She said that it would be easier for her to work on her if I came back and that she’s realized what she’s done is out of control but she’s said these things before and even done that honeymoon stage again but it always goes full circle and with it escalating I’m worried she could unintentionally go to far possibly.  I mean when she’s rational she would never dream of hurting me or anyone but who she is now.  That’s different. 

I guess the biggest guilt I feel is last night I told her I needed her to give me time and not bombard me with texts and phone calls and that we could talk on Monday which contradicts my first thing I said to her about talking after her appointment with her new therapist today.   I feel bad bc out of fear of upsetting her further I told her that I’d hear her out about coming back after her appointment but then I felt very uncomfortable and didn’t want to do that so I was honest with her and changed my mind.  This upset her and so because she just started lashing out again I told her I needed space and we could talk again on Monday.  She said that really hurt her but then she’s not texted or communicated all day and I’m feeling guilty and lonely but also scared to initiate contact because I feel like it will just start her lashing out again. 
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2020, 09:26:22 PM »

I think that a part of why she’s acting out is because she doesn’t feel like shes in control. You said that you have low self esteem and I think it’s  brave that you admitted that and that you decided to talk others that takes courage.

I’m also glad to hear that you decided to stick up for yourself.Dont blame yourself for her acting the way that she did - it’s something different if you treat someone badly and you have negative energy directed at you but if you think about it she put you in this spot. There’s nothing for you to do. A pwBPD are incredibly resilient because of the disorder despite the way that they illicit guilty feelings in others and make it look like they are helpless.

What you are describing is that walking on eggshells feeling. It’s an awful feeling, it made me feel like my stomach are in knots and it’s hard to be centered. What things do you do to distract yourself? I like weight lifting to recenter myself, I also mediate and do diaphragmatic breathing to stay centered.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2020, 09:32:50 PM by Mutt » Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2020, 10:12:59 PM »

Weight lifting and working out never works for me as my mind and body does not like the feeling and noise of working out.   I try to deep breathe and I try watching movies too. 

My biggest issue is being autistic my brain seems to obsess very quickly and so it’s a full time job staying distracted.   But I will say talking to you all here on the boards is so much better.  It’s incredibly difficult for me to make friends not only because with her disorder paired with my mistakes early on she doesn’t allow me to make friends because she can’t trust me yet.  So I don’t have anyone until now that truly understands what I’m going through.   

I’m feeling a bit better now I’m just incredibly confused on what I want to do.   Because I practically am her sons father but not by blood and we have a little dog she had before me too so if we break up I’d get my apartment back probably eventually but not the three of them or even the two of them.  So it’s incredibly tough because of I stay with her there’s no guarantee she really is going to change.   I want to believe her bud I do not know. 
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2020, 10:56:15 PM »

I’d suggest to join other threads as well. It’s cathartic and it nourishes your higher self. Talking to others in a similar situation like you said helps. You’ll feel better.

Change is something that has to come from within it can’t come externally - sure you can get encouragement and that definitely helps but the motivation has to come from you if you’re not motivated to change and someone keeps encouraging you to change it’s going to Kaye you feel resentful, you might push back you might avoid that person.

Self reflection can be hard for some people, especially for people that don’t have good skills with managing or analyze  their emotions it can be overwhelming and what’s an easy way to deal with that? You avoid them and I can understand why when you have so many things that you don’t know how to deal with, but in the end even though you might not know where to start you can’t fix everything all at once you start by starting with something and believing that every day that you work on yourself that builds up until eventually you have put a lot of things behind you or accepted them or made amends. - you keep moving forward in a positive direction. Slow and easy but eventually you will get there f that’s what you want.

Nobody can do that for you but it sure goes a long way when you have people that support you, support your idea and support your goals.

You’re probably looking for people that had similar values and people that showed you respect and didn’t judge you when you were talking to those girls creating a support system can start there it there and you can start here and you can have both. I don’t blame you for talking to them -  pick people that you see that respect you for you, continue picking people like that, that’s what you gain from us here you create a support network that has your back and encourages you without judging you.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2020, 11:39:28 PM »

Friend, my son, about to turn ten is ASD1, what they used to call Aspie. I am concerned for him even before dating years.

Your gf committed crimes of battery against you and those were not your fault. She made choices. You aren't safe with her, even before the indecent with the knife. It isn't anyone's burden to talk someone down from stabbing you. That's on her 100% responsible for herself.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2020, 02:12:11 PM »

An update...

So the last time I spoke to her was on Thursday night except to send her part of my paycheck to help her pay for gas, cigarettes, food and other needs until her paycheck on the 24th. I had told her that night I wanted to get space with no contact until Monday because of all the dramatic arguments. She said I had promised to speak to her about her appointment on Friday after she went, so I told her I would still do that but other than that I did not want to talk until Monday but I would still help her out with money.

She then asked me to just help her with money this last time and then she would not ask me for any help again.  I replied to her saying I would help and that I had already told her I would.  So she then replied "Thanks for the money".

Then I did not hear from her at all until Saturday when I sent her money. I had said a lot to her when I sent her money.

I told her "I'm up early because I wanted you to have the money you needed before work. I wanted to thank you for being strong for us and giving me this time to really think. My normal therapist is booked up for the next couple weeks I've been looking for other therapists that I could potentially use. So monday I'm going to make more calls. I love you so much and I hope your therapist appointment went good. We can talk more about it on Monday. If I don't hear from you on Monday I'll be very sad I'm not doing anything bad. I'm not giving up on us. I hope that you're giving me space for me because I asked for it and not because you don't want to be with me anymore. I love you aa whole lot but you the right for any decision you choose. I'll respect you either way. I've gotta get ready because moms taking me to cash express and the bank today and she wants to go early."

After that long message, all she responded with was "Thanks for the money."

I responded, "You're welcome but you never have to thank me."

I do not know what to do now.  Part of me wants her to love me still and want to work on fixing our relationship but the other part of me feels like its too late, and also she is currently living in the apartment that I am the only one financially responsible for so eventually I need to know how to go about telling her she needs to move out so I can have my place back.  I feel bad though because she and our son (he's not blood-related to me / Step Son) have nowhere to go, but how long do I need to be nice before I can have it back and not feel guilty if we are not going to be together?

Thanks again for some advice.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2020, 03:36:04 PM »

Can you transfer the lease to her name?

Where was she living before this? How was she taking care of herself?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2020, 06:00:58 PM »

She was staying with her alcoholic father in their house they no longer have.  So she can’t stay with him.  She doesn’t make enough money. 
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2020, 06:15:36 PM »

What works in her favor is that she is a single mom with a child she would go on to the top of the list for social services etc.

Do you recall seeing a clause on the lease that if you where to break the lease you have to pay a months rent to back out of the lease or something similar? That’s another option.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2020, 07:51:00 PM »

Regardless of if we stay together or break up I want my apartment it’s a really great place to live so I know at some point it may come down to me being the bad guy and kicking her out.   It makes me want to cry just typing that.  I love her and want her and I to stay together but I am scared that won’t happen.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2020, 07:58:48 PM »

I think that emotional and mental health is worth more than an apartment, you’ll get another apartment that you’ll like just as much again. This is a difficult spot to be in, the choices are not easy if this is what you choose and this is something that is not your fault, you’re placed in this difficult spot.

I’d suggest to do some diaphragmatic breathing and find something that works for you to recenter yourself.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2020, 08:09:05 PM »

Yes I definitely understand, I have been trying to distract myself for the last two weeks since I have been gone, and it is getting harder and harder to do so.  I am starting to really feel sad, and lonely (not wanting to be with anyone but her)  It is hard to stay strong and keep distance even more now because all I want is our life back.  Does that make sense?
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2020, 08:22:17 PM »

It’s easier said than done when things are like this. That’s good that you’ve been trying to stay distracted.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
AbuNassif

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 27


« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2020, 11:16:38 PM »

I'm so sorry for your pain. Very different circumstances, but some of it sounds familiar. Please stop and think about what you want most for your future self, and how to honor how much you've already accomplished, how much strength you have (if you've come this far with this, you are strong!), and how much more peace and time you'd have in this short life, if so much emotional strength wasn't being spent on someone who relied on you, but is unwilling to let you rely on her. That's all you have to do. Imagine your way out of this. You're young, you don't have children, you have parents who love you who are still able to help you, you earn enough money to support yourself. You stand a real chance for a peaceful love life. Imagine what it would be like to have a love life that gives back to you, that helps you secure and grow what you already have, emotionally and practically. Spend your time living in that imagination, longer than just two weeks, and then ask yourself if you should put up with anything less.
Logged
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2020, 04:55:47 PM »

So I made a mistake again this weekend I panicked and was worried she got on a dating site and she was looking for someone else.  So I signed up for one and then when I saw she wasn’t on it I deleted my profile but I had changed my email address password because she had access to my email and she found out and rather then lie about it I told her the truth now she’s pissed at me even more.  I screwed up and now it looks like I was trying to cheat on her again.   I’m pretty messed up I guess.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #21 on: January 20, 2020, 05:53:26 PM »

Excerpt
I’m pretty messed up I guess.

You said so yourself that there have been a lot of emotions in the past couple of weeks seeing her on a website probably made you feel fearful, anxious and angry and probably even a little elated because you can move on if she’s moving on because you feel stuck right now.

I don’t think that you messed up. I don’t think that it’s nice if someone else has has access to your email because you have a right to your privacy. It’s your email address it’s your right  to change your password and not have to give out that password to anybody else.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
aspiemaleinlove

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated but still in relationship
Posts: 10


« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2020, 06:31:18 PM »

No she was not on the website I assumed she would be because of how cold it seemed like she was being but she was not on there...  So to her when I told her what I did she saw me as just trying to cheat on her.
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #23 on: January 20, 2020, 06:49:13 PM »

Hi!

A lot of our struggles involve trying to center our own selves and not react on our emotions.  We all do that, some more than others.  I used to find it very hard not to act on my dears and emotions and have learned over time that I need to self soothe as well.  We talk about that a lot when it comes to our relationship partners but it can apply to us as well.  I mention this to let you know I understand why you acted the way you did and to let you know you can learn ways to identify when you are thinking in less than healthy ways and things you can do to calm and center yourself.

Do you think that is something you need to learn or am I way off here?
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Narza

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 17


« Reply #24 on: January 21, 2020, 04:02:25 AM »

You said so yourself that there have been a lot of emotions in the past couple of weeks seeing her on a website probably made you feel fearful, anxious and angry and probably even a little elated because you can move on if she’s moving on because you feel stuck right now.

I don’t think that you messed up. I don’t think that it’s nice if someone else has has access to your email because you have a right to your privacy. It’s your email address it’s your right  to change your password and not have to give out that password to anybody else.

Unfortunately, this is something called Paredolia! Look it up, but to summarise, Its basically your mind trying to tell itself a story to fill in the blanks from past experiences.  Your mind will have 2-3 data points of what has happened in the past and you will then make things up to fill in the gaps to try and justify what the mind doesnt know, usually BAD STORIES!

This is a piece of info i tell everyone i help with when friends are trying to get back with their ex's (i am too with a BPD ex)  "Too much information is deadly"  Dont go hunting for info as it will only destroy your own emotional control and you will become obsessed with trying to catch them out, even if you do find them, youre not together at the moment so both you and her have every right to date others
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!