Should I stay or should I go?

[BethT]

Hi all, I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. As per the normal story, it was magic at the beginning and then things started to fall apart in a way which made no sense to me- illogical accusations, mood swings, over reactions, rage and blame took over my life. When I look back now I have no idea why I didn’t leave it. I guess I was confused and kept hoping it would get better. I also could see the person I loved (and still do) behind the chaos.

It’s been an exceptionally difficult journey and it has been detrimental to my emotional and mental health.

A few weeks ago I realized that he has BPD and that was the reason for everything that happened. I now find myself in a difficult predicament: I understand what has been the problem but equally I understand that there is no “easy” fix. Things have improved, but a lot of the behaviors are still there and hurt me deeply. He gets very defensive when I mention him going for therapy. I really don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply and in many ways we are happy together. Any advise out there?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Welcome to the website BethT.

It's a deeply personal decision to stay or to go.    There are lots of factors that contribute to making that decision.    The length of time together,  kids if any,  shared property,  shared memories,    potential for the future.   The emotional investment you have in the relationship.  There is a lot to consider.

My suggestion would be to determine a length of time... something you feel reasonable... 6 weeks, 3 months... what ever works for you.     and during that time work this site and the tools suggested here, while trying to figure out what the relationship could be like, in terms of consistent respect and support.    take your time.

there are tools here, none of which  I had ever heard of when I arrived, that can help support you and the relationship you find yourself in.    you are right, they are not an easy fix.     but they do make a difference.     how successful they might be in your unique situation depends on lots of different things.

I noticed you mentioned the difficult journey and the impact on you, your emotional and mental health.    truth is, it is very difficult to be in a relationship with a person who has the traits of any mental illness and not be damaged by it.    which is why one of the tools stressed here is boundaries.   personal boundaries that protect our energy, our health, our peace of mind.     one of the boundaries that is suggested is learning how to take a time out,  in a gentle and appropriate way that reduces the stress on you and the relationship dynamic.

what do you think?     

[Rev]

Hi all, I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. As per the normal story, it was magic at the beginning and then things started to fall apart in a way which made no sense to me- illogical accusations, mood swings, over reactions, rage and blame took over my life. When I look back now I have no idea why I didn’t leave it. I guess I was confused and kept hoping it would get better. I also could see the person I loved (and still do) behind the chaos.

It’s been an exceptionally difficult journey and it has been detrimental to my emotional and mental health.

A few weeks ago I realized that he has BPD and that was the reason for everything that happened. I now find myself in a difficult predicament: I understand what has been the problem but equally I understand that there is no “easy” fix. Things have improved, but a lot of the behaviors are still there and hurt me deeply. He gets very defensive when I mention him going for therapy. I really don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply and in many ways we are happy together. Any advise out there?

Ducks is spot on.  To this I would add a suggestion.  Read your post to yourself out loud in the mirror.

Be aware of the physical sensation.

What happens?

Rev