Danica
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 2
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« on: January 19, 2020, 01:03:09 PM » |
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Hello,
I'm new here and hoping I'm posting the right place. I'm Danish, so English is my second language. I'm in a relationship with a man who is 10 years younger than me, whom I suspect may have borderline personality disorder. But I'm far from sure and it's just recently I started suspected it. I have a son from a previous relationship.
We have been together for 2 years and last Summer he moved into my house. It doesn't work so well with living together. He stays up at night and sleeps much of the day, if he can. In the beginning it was 1 or 2 pm, then 3 pm, now 4 or 5 pm and even 6 pm. We both study at the same education to become teachers and the education isn't full time, more like 20 lessons a week and then some home studying next to it. Often he has lessons after noon, so that makes it possible for him to sleep a lot during the day. He doesn't understand that I think it's a problem, especially regarding my son on weekends, but also because I want to spend time with him. I feel sad that he would rather spend time with his computer at night than with us during the day.
He is also unhappy with me, because he thinks I act alone on many things. I'm used to being a single parent, so I'm used to doing things, because if I don't, no one will do it. We have a constant discussion about evening meals planning. He wants us to talk about dinner everyday and possible even go shopping together, but if I do it alone, he feels sad and not included. But sometimes life happens and it's easier to just buy groceries without having a long discussion about whether we should have pasta or rice and I'm guilty of doing the easiest and fastest way. On the same time, he doesn't take initiative to do this before late afternoon and then he wants to go to the shop, discussing food and sometimes it just gets very late, so unless I always take initiative to accomodate him, it just doesn't work, because my son needs to eat around 6 pm. Twice a week he has activities after dinner and twice a week I have, so there's not time for discussing if we should have roast at 4 pm, because we don't have time for it. I still try to accomodate him some days and postpone dinner planning until I see and talk to him, but sometimes I also want to do it my way. He still gets angry at me, when I fail to accomodate him and he doesn't think I try at all.
When he gets angry, he doesn't get aggressive, but passive aggressive and I get the silent treatment. I sometimes am very surprised when I make him angry and I feel as though I need to walk on egg shells around him. I can't predict what makes him angry. I have experienced trying to accomodate him with dinner planning on the way home from school and calling him about what to get, he gets upset, and when I get home, he doesn't talk to me for a day, because I shopped on the way home and didn't go home and shop with him. And that was me trying to include him in a way, that accomodated us both, but it has to be on his terms, or else he isn't satisfied.
He's is not motivated to study at all and he almost never does his homework. Right now he has failed an exam, which was a 5 page essay and oral examination. He simply cannot write anything on his own and this Summer awaits a 15 page essay and I suspect he will have troubles passing it. He doesn't realize that you need to study in order to learn something.
Right now I'm really tired of living parallel lives, where he is up at night and sleeps at day, so I have told him that I can't continue like this. He says, he does it, because I act solo on many things and therefore he does, too. He pretty much says, it's my own fault that he sleeps all day, because I have not included him in dinner making and other things. Apparently I didn't act including last Summer when he moved in. He told me about some things, which we have discussed before and I have explained before that they were not meant excluding, but he still carries a grudge. He thinks I don't even try and even when I tell him what I did do (I got us a big closet for him to use for example) he barely aknowledges it and just focuses on the negative things I did.
He also have troubles finding out what he wants. He moved in with me in my house, but he still doesn't know if he wants to live in my city. I have told him, I can't move because of my son, because he has school and friends here, but we can move after he is done with school, but only within a bigger city close by, because my son still has his father in this area. My boyfriend is from the other end of the country and he doesn't understand that I can't move my son away from his father. I told him this before he moved in last Summer and yet we had a discussion last Summer about moving out of the city, because he suggested we could think about moving in the near future and I said, I couldn't until my son was finished with school and he was surprised, eventhough I had told him earlier. I then thought we were settled on that, but a few months later, he again suggested it and he now suggested the other end of the country, and I said no, I can't because of my son and again, he was surprised and angry, because I think of my son before him. He also questions my motives and think I hide behind my son, and the real reason I won't move, is because I don't want to move. This is becoming a big problem because I want to have another child and where he has plenty of time, I simply don't. So I need to know if he wants to be with us under these circumstances and it seems like he simply can't figure it out.
Right now I'm tired of him sleeping all day long and having the same discussions over and over again. I know I have made mistakes and I own them. I reflect on my behaviour and agree with him, if I have made some mistakes, but I won't take on the whole responsability for the way things are in our relationships. He seems to think it's all my fault and not his.
A few people have pointed out that maybe he has borderline personality disorder. He definitely thinks very black and white. I don't know if people here can recognize the patterns in what I write or if it's something else. Right now I don't know whether to give up on him or to stay and make him get help, but in the end he can only get better, if he accepts that he has issues, and right now he really can't see that he has any issues. It's all my faults or with other things in life, other people's fault. It's never his, so I also have my doubts if he is interested in trying to change his behaviour.
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