One Crisis After Another

[murmom]

I have posted before but it has been several months.  Last time I posted my 21 year old daughter was pregnant and recently arrested for assaulting her boyfriend. My issue at the time was deciding to help my daughter with money to move into her own apartment away from her boyfriend.   Long story short I paid her apartment deposit and her boyfriend promptly moved in with her and they were evicted just one month into her lease.

Since that time my daughter moved back into the house she originally shared with her boyfriend and she had her baby.  I have been supportive of her decision to be with her boyfriend,  her baby's father, even though he rarely works, doesn't pay child support for his first child with another woman, and abuses drugs...you get the picture.  When I say I have been supportive of her decision to be with this man I mean I just keep my mouth shut and try to get along with him. 

So one month after her baby was born, my first grandchild, boyfriend has daughter arrested again for hitting him.  This time she had bail set and she sits in jail 4 days before her father and I bail her out.  She was in isolation the entire time due to suicide threats.  She has lost custody of her daughter because the DV happened while BF was holding the baby.  She lost a job today and has little money for food and living expenses.  Again, she is asking for financial help from me and I have loaned out so much money that I never get back.  How else can I help her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[murmom]

For those of you reading I think I have figured out how to help my daughter.  Instead of feeling guilted into rescuing my daughter from her poor choices, I have been trying to turn it around onto her.  I ask her, "how do you think that will solve your problem" when what she wants to do makes no sense.  I say "no" without guilt when she wants me to step in and do for her what she should be doing for herself.  I validate her feelings even though I don't necessarily agree with them. I give positive feedback when she is making good choices, like recently -- the past few days -- getting a housekeeping job at a motel.  None of these things I am saying have become a long term habit, but these are ways in which I wish to interact with my daughter from here on out.   

[PeaceMom]

Murmom,

Your DD has certainly had very tough times. The new approach you describe lines up with everything I’ve read about boundaries, not taking on misplaced guilt, self care and validating our pwBPD.
I am always searching these boards for inspiration and this inspires me.

Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

I think your new approach is awesome. You are gently placing the responsibility for her life back where it belongs -  with her. Well done.