My first post - I am an adult woman living with my BPD mom

[shrugqueen]

Hello. This is my first post. A year or two ago, I finally discovered why I walked on eggshells around my mother for my whole life. She has borderline personality disorder. Suddenly everything makes sense. But a diagnosis doesn't make it any easier.

After living out of state for 10 years, my sister and I moved back in with my mother and stepdad. I am 36, my sister is 31. Our parents are in their 60s. Generally, we all get along fine. Until mom is triggered, and lately that seems to be more often than usual.

I am a public school teacher, so I'm already broke and tired all the time. Then I tiptoe home, assuming that mom might be upset about something, again. This week her world has been turned upside down because I told her who I'm voting for in the next election. I don't get to have my own opinions, not to mention boundaries! Even if I gently say, "I don't want to talk about it," she will fly off the handle and the rest of the evening is consoling her. It's exhausting.

I'm glad to have found this forum...hoping to have another outlet besides my sister (thank God for her!) where I don't feel so alone and angry all the time.

Thanks for listening.

[Spindle0516]

Hi Shrugqueen- 

My husband and I discovered last year that my MIL probably has BPD and it has been a rollercoaster ride!

BUT this site has helped me feel so much less alone and has been a wonderful launching point for us as we have been navigating a lot of changes with her.

I just wanted to say welcome and you are not alone 

[Harri]

Hi Shrugqueen! 

I am joining Spindle in saying welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us and decided to post.

Moving back in with your parents has to be tough.  I moved back to my family home to live with my dad for a couple of years and that was hard enough(my mom was my pwBPD- person with BPD).  How long ago did you move back?

You definitely are not alone.  We get it here and we all work together to support and encourage each other as we try to learn new and better ways to cope or use the tools to improve our relationships with our pwBPD.

If you had to pick one thing to work on first, what would it be?

Hope to hear more from you soon. 

[Methuen]

Welcome Shrugqueen

This week her world has been turned upside down because I told her who I'm voting for in the next election.

So you're not alone.  My 83 yr old mom wanted me to make sauerkraut with her, so I thought "OK" it's at least something active to keep us busy if we are together.  But, sauerkraut needs to sit and ferment.  My mom canned hers (well she had me can it) after the first week.  When I said I was going to let mine ferment at least another two weeks she "flipped a gasket" and went berserk.

I have found there's a big learning curve to understanding BPD really well.  Based on the example you gave of telling her who you vote for, and the consequence you experienced when it was different than her, I would suggest not sharing "personal information" with your mom.  In my sauerkraut example, I came to understand much later that BPD's simply can't handle their SO's thinking differently than they do.  It will usually cause an incident or rage.  My mom gave me the silent treatment for 3 weeks because I decided to ferment my sauerkraut for the proper amount of time (4 weeks is recommended).  After that, it was a very tentative slow recovery in our relationship.  

We can't rationalize with BPD's.  Back then, I tried explaining to mom why sauerkraut needed to be fermented longer.  She had a total meltdown.  Do you know about JADEing?  It doesn't work with BPD's, even though we do it daily with non BP's, and the rest of the world functions on it (except for BP's).  When you are tempted to JADE, don't.  Here's a link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0

I don't get to have my own opinions, not to mention boundaries! Even if I gently say, "I don't want to talk about it," she will fly off the handle

Yes, because you have a different opinion than her.  I have learned it's better not to share opinions or personal info.  Once I accepted that was the way it had to be, my life got easier.

Also, once I accepted I couldn't JADE, and actually stopped JADEing and started using other BPD friendly strategies on this site, my life also got better.

The hardest part is accepting it.  We all want a non-mother like our friends have.  But BPD mother's are different.  Accepting that is a big step.

  

[Methuen]

Oops.  Here is the rest of my post:

Even if I gently say, "I don't want to talk about it," she will fly off the handle

If she flies off the handle, you can either SET, or if that doesn't work, tell her calmly that you need to leave so that you both can have some time to calm down.  Assure her you love her (if you are feeling it).  Then give her as much time as she needs to calm herself. 

rest of the evening is consoling her.

I suspect that the more you do this, the worse she will get. It is NOT your job as the daughter to console her.  She is an adult.  She is capable of consoling herself.  Our BP's trained us to be responsible for their feelings.  We have to un-learn that.

Boundaries are super important.  You have a stressful job as a teacher, and you are going to need some down time to recover at the end of the day so you can go back into the classroom the next day refreshed.  I would work on building some "space" for yourself in the house.  Do you have a "study" or a quiet place where you can go do your prep and marking without being disturbed (or other non-work activities/hobbies)?

How long have you been back living with your parents? 

[gotbushels]

Hi shrugqueen  

I see you've got heaps of great tips here. I haven't anything to add—so I'm just here to support your discussion.

I get the whole limit-enforcement thing. Of course it's tiring, confusing and a PITA.  :P

Dealing with that while being low on income and tired all the time—me too, I totally get what that's like.  

I hope you can find time and space to self-care.