How long did you wait to date again after the trauma of your bpd relationship?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Like once you totally broke free of the relationship and he or she is totally out of your life in any shape or form (unless you have kids)? I know it varies from person to person. How did dating go? Because my exbpd literally had a new guy within hours of breaking up. This caused me to do the same, basically out of spite. Such a bad idea. It’s been 2 months since the breakup and I think I need to let the dating go for a while. I think it’s hurting more than helping. Need advice.

[Thedubman123]

Like once you totally broke free of the relationship and he or she is totally out of your life in any shape or form (unless you have kids)? I know it varies from person to person. How did dating go? Because my exbpd literally had a new guy within hours of breaking up. This caused me to do the same, basically out of spite. Such a bad idea. It’s been 2 months since the breakup and I think I need to let the dating go for a while. I think it’s hurting more than helping. Need advice.

[Will2Power]

I waited 6 months after a year long with my expwBPD/NPD and I met the man of my dreams

It will vary person to person, but you have to try to trust again when it feels right for you!

I know how upsetting it can be when they move on right away. Just make sure you put yourself first and heal before you date so that you can find your soulmate. You deserve that.

My current partner knows about my expwBPD, and he’s taken it upon himself to even learn about BPD as well as the effects on romantic partners. It feels so great to be loved by him. I am in love with him too, but that doesn’t mean my past never creeps up on me, or us

It’s possible to move on. Just make sure you do so when you are really authentically ready. It’s so refreshing to be in a better, more stable relationship after the storm. But it takes work and it’s still not going to always be perfect.

I didn’t wait too long, but that was my choosing and what felt right for me. Just because I have trauma and baggage doesn’t mean I can’t lean into the discomfort of trusting and loving again. And I would venture to say it’s the same for each of us.

[dt9000]

This can be different for everyone. My opinion is that it's more about when you are ready, and how the relationship was before ending, rather than a set time frame.

I started dating about 5 months after separating from my BPDex. Although my ex was incarcerated for 2 years prior to that. We were together for a short period between her incarceration and our separation, when she had an affair, then found a new supply (different guy) and discarded me. It's all a bit crazy and complicated. The point is, I think the events leading up to a separation or breakup can impact the amount of time it takes before one is ready to date. Were you still really into the relationship or did you essentially check out before it ended? Was it expected or were you blindsided?

I agree with Will2Power that it's so refreshing to be in a better, stable relationship. I have trust issues because of the repeated affairs my ex had during our marriage, but my new partner helps me work through things.

dt9000

[utnapishtim428]

It’s definitely tough starting over and you are right, the timeline is different for everybody. My relationship lasted more than 10 years and ended in a very painful divorce. I think the other posters have a point... the nature of your past relationship, reasons for and ways that it ended will probably be pretty big factors.

The advice that my therapist gave me was to work on myself first and then dating will sort of work itself out. I took his advice, went to therapy on a regular basis and tried to really figure out what I wanted in another person and in a relationship. Then, he gave me some of the best advice I think I’ve ever gotten...

I wanted to be with a person that was emotionally stable, had a good family or at least good personal relationships with other people, was open and honest and that shared most of my major life goals... so he told me I should work towards being those things myself... to try to have the same qualities as the person that I wanted to date. It really helped me be a better person and a better potential SO.

I worked hard on re-establishing my own social circle, reconnected with family that I had lost touch with, worked on a lot of my insecurities and bad habits (like not being honest about how I feel)...

I ended up meeting a great woman, as a result of my new-found social circle, about 5-6 months after I left my ubpdxw. It felt fast to me at first, but the relationship has been so good, it was a really easy choice to make to stick with it. We’ve been together for over a year now... virtually no drama (which is soo awesome). The relationship is easy... I didn’t realize that was possible

In general, I worked on myself, then put myself out there in a healthy, honest way and it went pretty well... give yourself the time and consideration to be happy with yourself. You deserve that!

[once removed]

i waited a year. more or less, that was a choice i made at the outset.

it didnt go too well. the kinds of partners i was picking kinda make me scratch my head today.

i dont think its about the length of time you wait.

for some people, getting back out there again is a part of returning to a sense of normalcy. and for some people, thats a good and needed thing, and for others, maybe there might be too much need to be in a relationship.

on the other hand, you can wait months, a year, or longer, and still make bad choices in partners.

the key, i think, is to give yourself the time and space to fully grieve the relationship and not use another relationship to try to heal. invest in learning the lessons you want to take into your next relationship, the kind of partner you want, and the self work it will take to attract and maintain that. otherwise, theres a risk of bringing old baggage into the next relationship, and repeating the same mistakes.

[Rev]

Like once you totally broke free of the relationship and he or she is totally out of your life in any shape or form (unless you have kids)? I know it varies from person to person. How did dating go? Because my exbpd literally had a new guy within hours of breaking up. This caused me to do the same, basically out of spite. Such a bad idea. It’s been 2 months since the breakup and I think I need to let the dating go for a while. I think it’s hurting more than helping. Need advice.

This is a great question.

Here's my story - I took this test https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201611/15-questions-help-you-decide-youre-ready-date-again

I found it useful to get a sense of the guidelines.

I started dating on Match.com.   And I enlisted the help of a female friend to understand the dating thing.  And...   I met someone!  And we are going soo strong.  And she is the female friend who was my dating coach!

Good luck.

Rev