Hey everyone, this is my first post. I've been reading a lot here and have found a lot of help from this platform.
Just read something on here about Ambiguous Loss and trauma and it really resonated with me but I don't see much else about this specifically so I was wondering if anyone could relate.
We have been broken up for about 3-4 months. Me (a 26 yr old male) and my ex (a 23 yr old female).
I ended up moving back home to my parents' house because I couldn't see any other really healthy option. I have been living on my own since I was 19 so I felt okay coming back to square one for a time. I had been grinding away working and just being super codependent and trying to find a balance between us, but I really couldn't find one without first thinking that I just needed to get away. We had been staying at her dad's house which was not a good idea in the first place. I am seeing a lot of my mistakes and just lack of strength in hind's sight. I feel like if I had more of myself together in the first place, she wouldn't have been so triggered throughout but maybe that is too hard on myself.
She also wanted space and towards the end of the relationship she would just not want anything to do with me. She would sigh and roll her eyes a lot and just tell me she didn't want me there and didn't want to feel bad about it. She didn't want me around. But she also didn't just want me to go back home because she saw it as "uninspiring". She said she still wanted me around to an extent because she cared about me. She just wanted me to get my
PLEASE READ together and I did too. Aside from that, I don't really know if she knew what she wanted. And I just wanted some clarity and peace because I was just triggering her all the time and getting triggered all the time and didn't know what else to do. So the split was weirdly mutual. But I also could tell we didn't want to really be done with each other? She is self aware and knows that she is a lot to deal with but she also tries to distract herself a lot. I fall into caretaker role a lot.
I guess I am looking for anybody who can relate because the way it ended wasn't just that she ghosted or we blew up and are done with each other. She got more distant and sassy and criticizing and I just got more withdrawn and meek. But we would talk about it sometimes and she said she wanted to be more open and like meet new people. And I am not that kind of person. So we kind of just fizzled out and I left but felt like I had been pushed out and dumped. We talk every once in a while. She opened up at one point a month after I left, telling me she loves me more than anyone and that I am the only one who will ever understand that and that our souls are tied together, and she wants to go back to being best friends like at the beginning of the relationship but not that we should just get back together. She is an amazing person and I don't hold her behavior against her and I know I am in no position to fall back into anything. I need to really stabilize myself and figure out what I am doing with my life.
It just feels weird. There was no clear separation. I just left but felt like I had been left and we still talk but I feel like I am more invested in maintaining a friendship than she is. When we talk I try to keep it light but I wonder if I should cut through it and ask her what she really is trying to do in regards to our relationship or friendship moving forward. Very foggy, still friendly, sometimes unresponsive.
Thanks for reading.