he doesn't want me to suffer so withdraws

[hopeful29]

my boyfriend has bpd i am sure, and he thinks so too but this on again off again is really hard for me.  he doesnt want mee to suffer so withdraws and says its bbettter because he just causes me ssorrow.  i love him but he just pushes me away it seems as soon as we start getting close again, like hes so scared of it.  he then avoidss and isolates.

what do i do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Door Closed]

Hi.  This is a good place to turn.  I first came here a number of years back, and have returned when my on again off again relationship changes course.  After nearly nine years of intensely great times, followed by turning away completely, we are done for good.    I spent nearly nine years doing the back and forth you refer to.  I know what it is like to love someone w BPD, and I am going to urge you to LISTEN to what your partner tells you.  He doesnt want to hurt you.  Perhaps you will find strength to heed his advice.  I would feel terrible if you found yourself, nine years from now, returning to this forum to say it is still on again off again.  It happens if you allow it to happen.

Take very good care of yourself - people here care about your well being!

[hopeful29]

thanks Door Closed, it is hard to accept but i know i am powerless but so hard to let go of someeone you love so dearly.  i am trying and will stay here for support

[Afloat41]

From what I read about BPD, non-BPD's should establish their own boundaries.  Certain behaviors are just not acceptable.  If we cave into them, then the BP thinks it's okay to act this way and will do it over and over again.  I have the same trouble with my husband.  The silence kills me!  Silence is also a form of mental abuse...which is also a great topic to read up on!

[WorksNeverDone]

My question is, what is the alternative to his withdrawal?  If he didn't withdraw, would he be subjecting you to anger outbursts, rage, depression, etc.? 
If he is withdrawing in order to not cause you damage, it may be the most loving thing he can do.

I spent 10 years being subjected to my BPDw's anger, frustration, accusations, negativity, depression and suicide threats.  The only relief I had was when she would take a trip by herself, or remove herself for a period of time.  Thankfully, with the help of counseling, she is starting to learn how to re-center herself, and she does it much better on her own.  If I am around, it is too easy for her to look to me to try and solve it.  And you CAN'T solve it.  It is a form of hell to watch your loved one in such agony, begging you for help, and for you to be powerless to do anything about it. 

The on-again-off-again cycle can be a form of emotional abuse, in and of itself.  The pain of the breakup actually heightens the ecstasy of the reunion...which, in turn heightens the pain of the next breakup. It can become an addictive cycle where the only relief from the pain is "trying again," which only keeps the wheel spinning.
I'm not sure if that helps at all, but as Door Closed stated, it's better to address these things up front.  Definitely better than  finding you've spent 10 years subjecting yourself to abusive behaviors and trying to undo all of the bad habits that you've created.

[hopeful29]

thanks so much for replying this rreally helps.  i am reaady to set boundaries in a loving way but want to do it in person which is the challenge because he is avoiding me.  i stopped by his work the other daay and when in person he is great, he feels very guilty and is making baby steps but i do know and recognize this cycle and am detaching as best i can.  the silence is horribble for me, i would rather a little rage but i think he is protecting me from seeing that ugly side of him.

this site is such a blessing

[paperinkart]

Just wanted to let you know that I’m also in the same boat as you. My partner also isolated himself when he is feeling scared/depressed because he doesn’t want to “drag me down with him”. He also pushes me away as soon as things are feeling good. It’s a cycle that’s lasted 2 years so far, however we are both just learning about BPD and now our past is all making sense.

I don’t have much advice for you but I do want to offer a perspective that might seem unpopular, but try to hear me out:

One thing I am grateful for is that my partner does not exhibit rage or anger towards me, and never blames me for his anxieties. It is one of the reasons I have tolerated his other BPD traits. Yes, the silence is impossibly frustrating and should be considered emotional abuse, but it becomes easier to forgive when you understand that this is the only way they know how to cope with their feelings. Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. But having empathy is key.

I have been working on a few things that I’m finding effective. The first is learning to accept the relationship exactly as it is. That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? If you accept it as it is, then aren’t you just endorsing this behaviour and allowing the cycle to continue? Here’s the thing...

Before anything can change, before any cycle can be broken, I’m finding it so necessary to find peace with what is. I can accept the fact that my relationship might always be unpredictable. I can accept the fact that there may be a few days of silence after every disagreement. It doesn’t mean I don’t want things to change and that I am not focused on finding solutions. Instead it means that during these stressful times, I can feel more calm and peaceful in my own mind, because I’m not arguing with the reality of it.

This also helps me with my second point. When I can feel more at peace with what is (not what it should be, or what I want it to be), I can react differently to him. Before learning more about BPD, I would get SO incredibly anxious and panicked whenever I sensed him retreating. I would freak out and call and text and show up at his house unexpectedly. All that ended up doing was pushing him away further, and he would resort to more drastic measures just to get me to leave him alone.

I realized that when I changed MY behaviour (instead of always waiting around for him to change his), his behaviour changed too. When I acted with love and empathy and compassion, instead of fear, he felt safer to reach out to me. He used to disappear for weeks or sometimes months at a time. But now I’ve noticed that with my new approach, his outbursts only last a few days at most. And at the end of it, things are so much smoother between us because there is no anger.

This is not all to say that he doesn’t need to work on his behaviour and that he should not change. But it could be a slow process (one step forward, two steps back), and maybe some acceptance on your part can make this easier on both of you.

I truly hope none of us are still here in 9 years, still in on-and-off again relationships. I hope we have “broken the cycle” and figured it out. But if not, I know that I can handle a few days of silence. Its uncomfortable but it won’t kill me, and I can handle it because I know it’s not personal. it’s not about me- it’s just his brain doing it’s thing. And I’ll do my thing in the meantime!

Anyway, sorry for the novel! Not everyone will agree with me but I hope you can take what I’ve said with an open heart and mind. I’m here if you need to talk! Best of luck

[hopeful29]

wow thanks so much this really helped me tonight.  he is silent again, i know wheen he is tired and his back hurts he does not manage well and he also needs exxercise to relieve hiss stress which he cant do when he is so tired.  so rather than deal with me i think its easier for him to be on his own.  part of me finds it hard becausse i wonder what hhe is honestly doing.  Its like he just cant handle gettting too close.  he said we would do something for valentines day but i never even heard from him which is very hurtful.  i dont know if he wants to get bettter honestly.  its so hard whhen they wont talk
anyway, i am trying to look after myself as best i can