Having a down day - could use a few words of direction - thanks in advance

[Rev]

Hello my new found friends.

Some of you are aware of my story. Some are not. So for the new ones - I'll make it brief.  My ex and I work for the same organization. She has a diagnosis that I have never been allowed to see. It's old so I believe she was labeled as bi-polar by a social worker. Before I met her, a social worker at the school put a notation in her file that she was not allowed to participate in parent teacher interviews without her then husband present. 

Today, her new found supply is cause for massive talk in our organization and I there are days I fear a smear campaign. These fears are unsubstantiated - except to know that I have seen her work the shadows with other colleagues she feels slighted by. None of this has ever stuck - my key people (and my professional stock in our organization is rising) tell me that more than not having anything to fear, that my divorce is likely "better" for me in the political sense. In her mind, she has much to fear from me. I have absolutely no interest in smearing her. On the contrary, I want to go about my business quietly.  But she won't let go - and so I now have a cease and desist in place - which in our organization is pretty severe. But she showed up to my place of work unannounced with personal effects in tow. My lawyer advised that I had no choice because to not respond would have sent an unfavorable precedent.

It has been difficult in the wake of sending the cease and desist.  There have been more ups and downs - until recently. And so now I am in day three of the down. The rage in me is rising. The lies she told me at the end were not unconscious. They were intentional. I have never been able to have garden variety closure, because of course, with pwDPD that's not an option.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Part of me is thinking about taking a break from these boards.  I really enjoy helping people and watching people grow through their experiences.  And then there are times like this and I wonder if the boards are not a sort of morbid fascination with what I experienced and so the trauma bond isn't really healing.

There are days I wonder if moving from this region to another is not the best thing to do. I could do so in two years.

And then there are days I think about leaving the institution altogether.

I don't want to "limp" off and on for the rest of my life.

I could use some encouragement today.

Rev

[GaGrl]

Rev, what is your history and investment in your current institution? What would you lose by leaving? What might you gain?

[Rev]

Rev, what is your history and investment in your current institution? What would you lose by leaving? What might you gain?

My investment is pretty nil except for the money - in the sense that my history is long and I have a good track record in behind me. No question in my mind, much of my suffering is ego driven. She doesn't get to win - those are not helpful words. And yet, in their absence, it can become hard. I grieve the loss of something greater that I was promised - working for a greater good. That was a lie. She's not interested. I sit on information that my T made me promise not to blow the whistle on for my own well being. It's the kind of stuff the institution can be afforded time in getting to.

I am well paid for what I do. My colleagues appreciate my work and my standing within the organization is solid. It is dealing with the underbelly that I struggle with. Increasingly though, the costs are emotionally taxing. Just like a politician who can stomach less and less the compromises one makes to get things done,  I am contemplating leaving the organization altogether.  My break up only fuels this greater question.

And yet I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water.

I am not sure what I would lose … I would gain a measure of peace for certain.

Great question.

Thank you.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

Your colleagues have your back. She’s been served, so legally she could only jeopardize herself should she violate that order.

You’ve covered yourself, yet perhaps you’re feeling besieged by thoughts of her and this is lowering your tolerance for bureaucracy at work?

It’s tempting to think of getting a fresh start elsewhere, but isn’t that a form of surrender, whether positive or not?

If you were moving toward something rather than moving away from something, that might feel better and more uplifting.

[GaGrl]

I agree with Cat. While it's tempting to make a change to gain peace, you don't know how the workplace situation might resolve itself down the road. Don't be hasty, but keep the option as an option.

It's astute of you to see that there is grieving going on. You might want to allow yourself to feel this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Rev, You could take a proactive approach and preempt any counter attacks from her by letting certain colleagues know that she's a loose cannon and might attempt to smear you.  Would that approach be feasible?  When going through my divorce, I let certain family members and friends know that my Ex might reach out to them and, if so, to disregard anything she might say about me.  They got the picture and were fore-armed, so-to-speak.

It sounds like you have a lot of anger, which is OK, yet might need processing on your part.  The idea is to acknowledge your feelings, process them and let them pass harmlessly through you.  How to process?  Write in a journal; meet with a close friend or family member; take a walk in the woods or on the beach; write a letter you don't intend to send; meet with a T; etc.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[once removed]

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Part of me is thinking about taking a break from these boards.  I really enjoy helping people and watching people grow through their experiences.  And then there are times like this and I wonder if the boards are not a sort of morbid fascination with what I experienced and so the trauma bond isn't really healing.

my advice would be to begin to shift your focus. move to the next stages of detachment. take your recovery to the next level.

sure, thats been the case for many of us who went through this. when i went through it, it was all consuming, and that was a respite at first; i felt far less alone. but at a certain stage of recovery, injury immersion just keeps us stuck.

its been nine years for me now since it ended. im not here for those reasons anymore. im here, to help, yes of course, but whats in it for me is the opportunity to learn skills for life (and relationships) and keep growing; something i neglected after my relationship ended but caught up with me hard.

you have an ongoing relationship, for example. why not share more about it on the board?

[Rev]

Wow - and thanks.

These are all great responses.  And yes I have unprocessed anger that is difficult to release, given the circumstances.

And you know, I had never considered writing about my new relationship. But what a great idea. Like - headsmack - I should have had a V8! (For those who remember the commercial).

There are so many good things I could say about this woman - the most important being that we were good friends before dating. At our age, that's rare and what a difference it makes.

And she instituted a rule - that all the boundary setting conversation in our relationship happens on the couch in the living room. Nowhere else. It really helps us focus.

We are both people of faith. We say grace at every meal. Sometimes she prays and sometimes I pray - and believe it or not, this is new for me. My ex and I - we never prayed.  And I mean, never.  And too was a first. In my previous relationships, grace was an on again / off again thing.  So she brings spiritual stability.

And I instituted a rule - we have no TV in the house. Only movies that we must work to move the computer monitor to watch. In other words, there's no channel surfing.  That means that some nights, we are going to bed at 9:00 but holding each other for up to an hour talking about the good stuff in our lives.

We laugh a lot - and we walk the dog in the park every day.  We have no children to care for, so making supper is almost a daily event, even if its not a big meal.

And our sex life is not the center of our universe - it's there but it's not paramount. Connecting face to face at the end of the day is. First time in my life that I can feel the same kind of physical fulfilment without the sex.  

Thank you every one for reaching out to me today.  My head got a little twisted and it was putting pressure on my heart.

Have a blessed day.

Rev