I need help with a partner who does not accept he has a mental illness

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husband has traits of borderline disorder. He is convinced that I have ruined his life, has no optimism in our relationship, sees no good in our family and daughter, is verbally abusive, wants out of the marriage and insists on me taking all the blame for ruining his life and wants me to leave. Everything that I say he makes it an issue and a lie. I cannot accept that I am lying when I am not and he does not accept that I am not lying. In order for his hatred, anger, and despair over me to stop, I HAVE to accept that I was "lying" to him, even though I was not. I have to admit and accept that he is 100% right and I am 100% wrong, and when I do (and I only do to make him stop yelling, cursing, calling me names, humiliating, threatening to hit me, and offending me - which can last HOURS and it does not matter if it is at home, in front of our daughter, my parents, or in public), I feel I am making things only worse, because it empowers him, he "gets the confirmation that he has always been right", and gets angrier and more certain that I am the devil and only do things to ruin his life.
Please help me how to deal with him. He does not accept he might have a problem. He did go to the doctor, but he said that he is depressed and needed medication because of me, because I was ruining his life. I cannot talk to him. If I do, it is a problem. If I don't it is a problem too. He blames me for talking and for not talking. When I want to share an opinion, he never listens to the end of my sentences and starts getting really loud and angry that I do not agree with him. So I stopped giving him my opinion and now he complains that he does not know who I am, that I am a secretive person, that I hide things from him, that we have absolutely nothing in common, and that he does not understand why I want to keep married to him. He thinks I am taking advantage of him and that I am playing games with him. I just want to make him happy, have a happy marriage and make him proud of me and our family.

[HelpBoderline]

My husband has traits of borderline disorder. He is convinced that I have ruined his life, has no optimism in our relationship, sees no good in our family and daughter, is verbally abusive, wants out of the marriage and insists on me taking all the blame for ruining his life and wants me to leave. Everything that I say he makes it an issue and a lie. I cannot accept that I am lying when I am not and he does not accept that I am not lying. In order for his hatred, anger, and despair over me to stop, I HAVE to accept that I was "lying" to him, even though I was not. I have to admit and accept that he is 100% right and I am 100% wrong, and when I do (and I only do to make him stop yelling, cursing, calling me names, humiliating, threatening to hit me, and offending me - which can last HOURS and it does not matter if it is at home, in front of our daughter, my parents, or in public), I feel I am making things only worse, because it empowers him, he "gets the confirmation that he has always been right", and gets angrier and more certain that I am the devil and only do things to ruin his life.
Please help me how to deal with him. He does not accept he might have a problem. He did go to the doctor, but he said that he is depressed and needed medication because of me, because I was ruining his life. I cannot talk to him. If I do, it is a problem. If I don't it is a problem too. He blames me for talking and for not talking. When I want to share an opinion, he never listens to the end of my sentences and starts getting really loud and angry that I do not agree with him. So I stopped giving him my opinion and now he complains that he does not know who I am, that I am a secretive person, that I hide things from him, that we have absolutely nothing in common, and that he does not understand why I want to keep married to him. He thinks I am taking advantage of him and that I am playing games with him. I just want to make him happy, have a happy marriage and make him proud of me and our family.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Dear Help,  and welcome to the family! it is terrible experience to go through, to be sure. You sound overwhelmed and PTSD amongst partners of borderlines is real. It seems like you are in need of urgent self care. I breathe, meditate and exercise religiously.What do you do to make yourself feel loved?

When partners do not accept the diagnosis, it certainly makes recovery more difficult. However, as long as he stays in therapy there is hope. Give him time to get there at his own pace.

I know patience can be the hardest thing to give. What are your support systems like? Perhaps you might consider therapy for yourself, to make sure you are supported through this.

How much do you know about BPD? Please keep posting, the more we know what you know the better we can help.

 
Khib

[thewindinmyhair]

Hi Help

You've made the first step by asking for help. Well done You.
I don't really have any sage advice to give you but I wanted to say, I see and hear you and your heartache comes across clearly. You obviously love your H and this situation must be very distressing for you.

I share Khib's sentiments about self care  - what support framework do you have around you? After all, in life, just as on an aircraft, we must put on our own oxygen mask first before turning to others, even if those others are our partners.

Perhaps you have some trusted friends, who can help you to maintain a balanced sense of self and connection? As Khib also says, would you consider therapy yourself to give you support and a healing framework?

I wish you love and strength, this is not easy but you can regain a sense of equilibrium in the storm if you want to. Stay connected. xx