Did you ever really trust your ex?

[Trynadeal]

Just curious, did you ever really trust your ex? I mean, truly and unapologetically trust them?

...Or, did you have a weird gut feeling often? Maybe that something else was going on, or they were talking to exes or other people and saying it was harmless and they loved you and not to worry but you did, maybe lying to you about something small, maybe just that something was off or not right and you couldn't put your finger on it, maybe thought they were cheating, could be for or about anything really.

When I think back, I often had weird gut feelings. Stomach pains I never dealt with before this relationship, and I'm realizing it was my intuition now and that I didn't want to believe it.

I remember googling stuff like 'am I happy or just complacent'? Because I couldn't make sense of some of the things I was experiencing and something just felt 'off'. She would reassure me nothing was wrong if I voiced anything, but we know how that usually ends .

[Rev]

Just curious, did you ever really trust your ex? I mean, truly and unapologetically trust them?

I did until I didn't any more.  And then it was pretty clear I needed to get out. My own ruminations don't deal with trust so much as asking myself what was it about me that took me so long to clue in.  It's more than just being naïve. I had real issues with setting boundaries and shame that fueled those issues.

But yes - I really did trust her, until she began to act weirder and weirder and then it just clicked.

Rev

[PeteWitsend]

Just curious, did you ever really trust your ex? I mean, truly and unapologetically trust them?

...

I'd have to say no. 

While we were dating, she definitely did some things that affected my ability to trust her, and it never really recovered.  She liked to let me know the attention she was getting from other guys, and was pretty shameless about it. 

I put my foot down and told her it needed to stop if she expected this to become a long term relationship; I also did the same thing back to her a bit with some girls that liked me, and it turned out she didn't like that one bit.  I think she realized if she went too far, I could easily replace her with someone else, so for the last half of the time we were dating, the coy behavior on her part stopped, and she seemed committed.

During marriage, I never had any reason to suspect she was cheating/talking to other guys, other than the fact that she would frequently accuse me of cheating, which made me wonder if she was just projecting.  I would be a little surprised to learn she did (if indeed it was true).  But honestly the lack of cheating/flirting/male attention for her during marriage didn't matter, because the open lying and other manipulative behavior she engaged in was more than enough to ensure I never learned to trust her after marriage. 

The other day I was cleaning out some old records and files, and found a note to myself where I wrote down some of her troubling behavior.  I eventually started keeping a journal of how often we fought, because it was so disruptive and her behavior so manipulative that I would sometimes even forget what it was about.  Anyways... we had just had a huge fight about her text bombing me at work, and agreed she wouldn't do it anymore.  Then she did it again the very next day, and when I called her on it, claimed she didn't mean to send the texts, and was just "typing out thoughts" when our 2 year old son grabbed her phone and pushed send.

Riiiiiiiight...

So glad I'm no longer married to her!

[Cromwell]

I reckon I did have suspicions of deceit but did not take better attention to them, easier to say in hindsight. I gave the benefit of the doubt often with the overall belief that she was trustworthy and there was nothing that would be seen as a major deceit or betrayal in store for me.

The maxim of feelings do not necessarily equal facts. Where does gut, feelings come into this? It has been difficult in hindsight to think I could have listened to these so called red flag moments. Yet I could have as much ended a relationship prematurely without knowing ever how it would have turned out.

As much as I have had gut feelings about people in the past that turned out to be inaccurate.

I did give her too much trust too early simply based on not recognising any motive for her to go on and behave the way she did a contrast to how she presented herself as a shining example of high morals and would never do harm.

I wouldn't be surprised despite all she has done, ever done, she still believes this regardless. In the context of "if it appears I did wrong it is still not my fault, either you or someone or something else made me do it,"

[Formanian]

When I voiced doubts she love bombed me into thinking they were unreasonable (for example, her constantly being on the phone with her ex - who she always said mistreated her but was still her 'best friend').

I vividly remember that we were laying in bed (when we just got together) and I looked at her and said: "This feels too perfect. Almost like it can't be true. Almost as if there must be something wrong with you, but I just haven't figured it out yet."
I said it somewhat jokingly but in a way I meant it. She laughed it off and kissed me.

I've been thinking about that moment quite a lot afterwards.