My husband has not officially been diagnosed with BPD. Forgive me, I'm new and haven't quite figured out the acronyms yet. We (I really mean, "I") have been looking for providers in our area that specialize in DBT, are accepting new patients, and accept insurance. No luck so far but I keep on looking. Anyways...that's not the reason for this post.
My husband's ex-wife cheated on him and ended up getting pregnant. They quickly divorced and have a tense, but somewhat civil relationship now but only out of obligation because their daughter is only 10yrs old. My husband claims that all of his previous, serious girlfriends have cheated on him (did this really happen? No idea. Was it really all of them or only one or two? Couldn't tell you). Naturally, my husband has trust issues. "Trust issues" is the understatement of the century.
I'm not even going to dive into the little, teensy, insignificant "reasons" that he claims are why he does not and CANNOT trust me. I honestly don't even think I could list them all. The number one biggest issue that sends my husband into a raging rapid of a downward spiral is sex.
Sex has been an issue in our marriage long before we concluded that he fit the criteria for BPD (my psychiatrist got the ball rolling). My husband wants to have sex daily. Multiple times, if it were up to him. I do not want to have sex daily. Not even close. We have a 2-year old son and both work full-time jobs. My husband works a night shift, 7:30pm-4:00am. I work 6:30am-4:30pm, Monday-Thursday. I am the primary person for everything. I take the kids to school/daycare, pick them up, take off work for doctor's appointments/therapies, take off more work when either of the kids are sick, do all the grocery shopping, errands, and cooking. All of those things while he is asleep. He literally sleeps, wakes up, expects sex (at roughly 4pm, before my work day is even over), spirals when sex doesn't happen (or is kind and affectionate if it does), gets dressed, eats, goes to work, comes home and does it all over again.
If I am not in a good place emotionally, the thought of sex makes my stomach turn. Especially if my emotional state is in reaction to one of his rages. He says absolutely horrid things during those rages. I have stood in front of him, sobbing hysterically, asking him to stop and he just keeps spewing such evil hate. Those rages usually come after he realizes that I do not want to have sex that particular day. He loses absolute control. Inevitably, I am accused of cheating. Please keep in mind, this man wants sex daily and I do not. We do not have sex everyday so I am accused of cheating on my husband 3 to 4 times per week, every week.
I have not cheated, I have no intention of cheating. My husband actively and purposefully looks for items to be out of place, signs that prove he is right and I am the liar and the cheater he has always "known" I was (but decided to stay with me for 6 years anyway?) This is the conversation via text I had with him tonight, while he was upstairs in our bedroom as I frantically got dinner ready before he left for work:
Him: Then why on both days that we didn't have sex did you have [semen; he did not use that word] on your panties?"
Me: I am not going to engage in this conversation. You and I both know it is not semen.
Him: Sure it isn't...
Me: I said I am not going to engage. Unless you can be kind and respectful, which you are not.
Him: We are done. If you can't explain it then you are lying.
Me: Women have normal vaginal discharge while is clear or milky white. Pretty much all do at some point. Now please leave me alone.
Him: So you do that on command? On the days we don't have sex?
Me: Please leave me alone, I need space.
Um. What do I do? I am very proud for the way I handled this particular situation. It was SO hard. My entire body felt numb, my heart raced, my hands were shaking, I was crying. Shortly after this conversation he threw another fit because dinner wasn't ready yet. I cried some more. This kind of thing happens 3-4 times per WEEK! Self-care really does not exist for me, even though I know I very much need it. My self-care is doing my makeup in the morning before starting this torture all over again (but better not get carried away or look too pretty because that will mean I'm looking good for someone else and obviously cheating...grrrrr)!
I need help! Suggestions on how I could have handled this situation better? How I avoid this situation? What other techniques can I use? I only started learning about BPD about a month ago. I struggling with setting boundaries. How can I state my boundaries without coming off the wrong way but still be assertive? Has anyone else experienced this? How did you overcome it or what are you doing now to try and overcome it?
I feel so confused, defeated, demoralized, and purely exhausted.
