I Need Some Hope Please

[paperinkart]

I accidentally stumbled across a thread from the other forum section for people that have ended their BPD relationships and it triggered me to my core.

The topic was about hope and how they had so much hope for years until they realized it was fruitless. I know there is a thread of success stories on here but please, please I am begging for someone’s positive perspective!

My biggest fear is that I am lying to myself and feeling hopeful over a hopeless situation. I feel so sick just thinking about how maybe I am just being naive, thinking we can get better.

Please can anyone talk to me about this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thewindinmyhair]

Hi Paper-

I sense your fear, well done for reaching out here rather than being reactive to it with your partner. You took the high road and you can be proud of yourself.

You sound like you've been doing so much self-awareness work and have successfully found some equilibrium in your own space, those boundaries can be hard to create and stick with, so I admire your efforts.

Only you can know if your situation is hopeless, or has hope. While you have hope, hope is there.

Perhaps I can suggest a gentle exercise that may help? Do you ever journal? Take a notebook or piece of paper, sit yourself somewhere comfortable where you can be undisturbed and let your pen run on the paper. What do you really want? Write what your ideal day looks like, what are you wearing, who is there, what did you just have for breakfast, do you have pets, what are you doing and where are you going later in the day, what's the weather like? Importantly, do not edit yourself as you go along, let your pen run.  The people in your movie don't have to have faces or names, but how do they behave? Be honest, this is for your eyes only, it's a private chat between you and your heart/subconscious.

Then if you can, read it back to yourself, out loud if you feel brave, and your truth will emerge. Sometimes you won't need to even read it, because you'll know.

Give yourself grace, lean into your fear and listen to the still, small voice who knows.  Let us know how you go xx

[thirdcoastheart]

Hi there - sounds like we’re in the same boat. I unfortunately don’t have a success story (yet), but I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s the third time I’ve been broken up with and shut out completely, and I can’t quite figure out what I did wrong, what the exact triggers were, why he did what he did, and feels the way he does. I feel so hopeless, confused, frustrated, and I’m emotionally exhausted. I want things to work out, I miss him terribly, and all I can think to do is respect his time and space for a period before reaching out.

I’ve been reading through this message board for some help/clarity, and learned about “splitting” and how to diffuse those episodes. Also, I’m learning to understand my limits, boundaries, what it means to be an emotional caregiver, and why I want this relationship to work. Most importantly, at least for me, I’ve realized I have this idea of who he and I are and could be together in the future and I’ve been stuck on this because I’m seeing how the negative aspects of this relationship can be fixed. I’m a natural fixer type minded individual. But please be realistic with yourself and accept that this is your reality right now, you can’t change your partner, and your partner has to want to help themselves. I know this isn’t what you’re looking to hear but sit with it for a bit.

I don’t know if he’ll ever reach back out but I’m hoping he does. I’m learning to be alone and overcome this discomfort to truly understand what I want and need, because it’ll help in the long run for myself and for this relationship to ever survive. I just bought this book and hoping it’ll help, so maybe it’ll be of use to you, too: “Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.”

We’re always here for you.

[khibomsis]

My parents had a terrible marriage. She was uNBPD, he was co-dependent, us kids bear emotional scars to this day. They were not a generation that believed in therapy, or mental illness for that matter, and the most anybody ever said about mom was "you know your mother" with an eye roll. It was only when my niece, then 15, got diagnosed with BPD that there was some sort of family acknowledgement that there might be a problem. (She is doing great now by the way 

 But you know, they loved each other for over 55 years. Seeing the tenderness they showed right up to the end is one of my dearest memories.

I try to focus on process rather than outcome. Whether or not we stay married, I know Dad would have expected me to do the right thing - and that includes taking care of myself and resolving my co-dependency. We have all the tools and knowledge now that they never had. I want to do the old man proud.
 
Khib

[khibomsis]

O and mom too. Of course 

[CHChuck]

I am still incredibly new to understanding my pwBPD.  I have been the ultimate co-dependent these past 30 years. My wife says, I'm not sure I like ... and instantly, I do everything possible to make sure she did not have to experience it. I'll never forget regularly driving 40 miles each way to be certain I new how to get to a restaurant we were supposed to visit...You see, she would get frustrated if I would get lost in any way.  This same scenario happens daily...To avoid her frustration, I've given up financial security, a career, friends, and intimacy.

In the past month, I've learn that the first step out of the fog is to take care of myself. Someone on this site asked if his expectations were part of the problem. For me, they are. I expect for her to act like a normal person.  Instead, I am certain I take care of myself and feel a sense of contentment. Then, I am more prepared to handle her complaints, etc.

So, will it get better? I have no idea. Can I get better? Absolutely.  When I am better, I can experience the great things about my wife. Truly, in the good times (40% of the time) I feel a closeness with her that I have never felt.  Doing better myself, I think I can turn that 40% into 90%.

[iguanamia5]

I’m sorry you’re feeling so hopeless. That’s how I felt almost every day since I met my uBPD husband. We’ve been through it all: explosive anger leading to domestic violence, a separation, thousands on individual and couples counseling. The one thing that kept me hanging on was our infant daughter and the fact I’d be rid of him for 10 months thanks to an upcoming deployment. I fully expected to divorce him when he got back and planned to use the deployment to prepare myself.

It’s only been about a month now but for the first time since I met him (there hasn’t been a single day with him that hasn’t been volatile and hard), things have been calm and happy and functional and I have a different kind of hope for the future than I used to.

My hope previously was always that he would realize he needed help and work hard at it, realize how much he was hurting me and our family etc. I eventually understand that BPD makes it very unlikely that he’d be the one to change like this. So I wondered: if he never changes, are there reasons to stay in this marriage (for me yes, bc of our daughter)? If I choose to stay, what needs to change IN ME since I can’t depend on him ever changing and making life more bearable with him?

The fact that he’s 7000 miles away helps a lot since I’m not dealing with the stress of daily interactions with a BP. So in this refreshed state I’ve been able to really do the work on my own part of this. I started working through the DBT skills workbook on my own and I was astonished to realize how much I’ve been contributing to our problems. It isn’t my fault the way he’s treated me but I was playing a bigger part in the outcome than I was letting myself admit. I also read the book “The High Conflict Couple” and that was life changing. Finally I started working to bring healing to my most painful memories with him in therapy. I kept waiting for him to make amends and make it right to heal and I finally accepted he can’t do that, and I deserve to heal. Releasing him from that responsibility and bringing myself healing has been transforming.

We haven’t fought in almost a month. I’m applying all the skills I’m learning and it truly is almost eliminating conflict and allowing the love that’s here and the good person he is apart from BPD to come through. I can’t stress to you enough how bad things were since the start. I truly thought we were hopeless, and we were as long as I put all my hope in him changing. My advice is focus on building your skills and bringing healing to everything that’s been broken inside you by BPD and then reassess if your relationship is hopeless or not. Wishing you all the best and cheering you on.