ConcreteBoots
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2
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« on: February 22, 2020, 08:22:44 AM » |
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I never saw this coming. I loved her for 30 years, and only knew her as someone who had a difficult childhood, and needed lots of love.
For the last 14 years, it’s been nothing less than navigating and walking through a minefield. I showed nothing but love, doing anything to keep the family intact. I had and have a child to protect, as well as maintain a roof overhead.
I guess it started with infidelity. She would go to great lengths, to always have more than her perfect stable life. Her lies were so common, that she truly believed them. She constantly rewrote history, as if it was a God given right of hers. I had to prove what was happening, to others, to give the family a fighting chance. Denial was prominent, and still is. I’m going to skip a lot, cause I’m new hear, and my trust is paper thin.
Soo much more has happened. Her way or the highway, financial irresponsibility, leaving me struggle to pick up the slack, which I can no longer do. I’m told that I’m hated a lot, then when she needs something, even if it’s something I don’t know about yet, the nice face comes into play. Longing for kindness, I love back, and fall right into a trap. When I question her motives, they can’t be questioned. She’ll change the subject, or choose the most painful thing she could say to me, to deflect my focus. Some of the things said are completely irrelevant, and are so low, that even after getting used to the behavior, still hurts for days or weeks. I’m a very patient, loving, compassionate person, with unwavering commitment. All I want to do is help, but this person no longer makes any sense in her arguments, or stance on what she perceives as correct or the truth.
I’m losing myself! I was always strong for the little girl who was innocent in all this. I have developed physical and mental ailments that have burrowed deeply into my being. I’ve lost myself to the point, that all I can handle is the work and responsibilities to keep the family together. I’ve lost almost every friend to the all consuming vortex. My personal identity has become extremely fragile, but I don’t dare show it, for fear of her final blow. She says “I’m tired of walking on eggshells”, which is exactly what I do. She walks around with a heavy stomp, carelessly, recklessly. She gets great pleasure from control, and getting away with saying the lowest of things to people she’s supposed to love. I feel like my life is over, and the future is impossible. You see, she pretends to love in public, hates in private. I’ve been trying to re-connect with old friends, and she views that as a threat! Why? Why ask why? There is no logical answer. Meanwhile she does whatever she wants, goes as she pleases, has lots of friends that she mostly uses. I’ve tried forever to make sense of anything she does, and CANNOT. Her ways are dangerously destructive now. Greatly accelerated in the last ... I cannot handle waking up feeling like a corpse with a river of tears every single day. Yeah I hide the tears, but I have to let them rip for the few minutes when nobody can see.
I’ve had lifelong personal pursuits, that feel like dust falling through my fingers now. Whenever I work on them, I’m put down, or told that there’s some immediate emergency that needs tending to. Sometimes the emergency’s were created just to keep me from any personal gain.
Besides just leaving which is something I would never do to my little girl, how do I avoid or react to conflict that chases me, and has no basis in reality?
This is the first time I’ve ever posted ANYTHING about this, and I need all the help I can get. I can’t beat down the mountain of bills, to allow myself the expense of therapy, cause she makes sure to keep me pinned financially.
Really wish I could say more, but have to be careful. As I’ve said, my trust has become paper thin. Yeah, have to mute the phone too, cause “who’s that” is belted our at every chirp. Her phone blips every 30 seconds, and she’s glued to social media, but I can’t ask a single question. I’ve never done anything but love her unconditionally. Her entire personality makes zero sense anymore, and she’s running around all over again. Fourth time! I don’t know what else to say, except I’m barely able to function. My self esteem is destroyed, my spirit crushed, my identity suppressed to a level that without help, won’t be able to remotely regain who I am, what I love, and my personal passion that keeps me ticking.
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