My siblings with BPD treat me with contempt NC cannot come soon enough

[zachira]

I have a brother and sister, my only living siblings, who both have BPD. I have come to realize over a number of years that they really need me as their dumping grounds for how they really feel about themselves. Both get upset if anybody likes me or says anything positive about me. Since my mother with BPD died in July, their abuse of me has escalated. Both siblings have said all kinds of mean things to me, and they have decided to not let me have any of mom's things which are all still at mom's house. Both my brother and sister have done many nice things for me. Now I realize that none of this meant anything that they were covering up for how they really feel about me, which is they really dislike me. I come from six generations of scapegoats on my father's side of the family and two generation of scapegoats on my mother's side of the family. I grew up listening to hundreds of hours of my parents scapegoating certain siblings who were all really nice people. Unlike my siblings with BPD, I have had to pay my dues in the world, take a look at my strengths and my challenges. I think my two siblings really have no self confidence, no capacity for empathy, or the ability to take responsibility for how they mistreat others (just like my mother with BPD). I have wanted to have a loving relationship with both of them, and now realize it will never happen. Both of them are always badmouthing me between themselves and with others. I now have to accept what I can control: which is the kind of person I am and how I respond to life's challenges. I have decided I will keep my dignity and not treat my siblings as they have treated me for as long as I have to have a relationship with them. I am hoping to have no more legal ties with them, and go NC permanently. I now have no doubts about who they are.
On another note, I was with friends yesterday. My friends are so kind, respectful, and give me helpful feedback when they disagree with me. I must go forward, cry my tears, feel my frustrations, and then move on from what my siblings have done to me, above all accept that I cannot have them in my life anymore. The pain is just too great and feeling unsafe never knowing what the next mean thing my siblings are going to do, just is not worth it. I have done my very best in trying to have a relationship with them, and it now time to accept that my siblings will never change. NC cannot come soon enough! Unfortunately there is still quite a bit of family business to deal with before NC can become permanent. Any suggestions on how to stay the course and not let myself become upset and unsettled when they come up with some new ways to hurt me?

[shield-me]

Hi, I'm new on this forum but I have been through sibling abuse hell for several years. Only recently I found out there are supportive forums. I am so sorry about how you are feeling, I was crying because of what you are going through. I have an abusive sibling who is physically and emotionally abusive to me everyday. Abusive siblings are jealous people and by being jealous it shows that you are a winner. The best revenge is no revenge because karma will get to those evil siblings.

[zachira]

Shield-me,
Thank you for your response. My heart hurts knowing you are being abused by your own sibling. Telling me you cried when you read my story, brings tears to my eyes as you understand how I hurt I am, and also because I just feel tremendous sadness for you. Can you tell me a little more about how your situation with your sibling who is abusing you emotionally and physically every day? I am wondering if there is some way I can help you so that this emotional and physical abuse does not continue.
I appreciate that you recognize that our siblings are jealous of us. I like to think of them as paying a price for not being able to feel their own pain and needing to take out all their unhappiness/cruel feelings towards themselves out on a sibling. People that treat others with kindness and respect are truly the happy ones. I am working on trying to be the best person that I can be, and to never treat another human being like my siblings have treated me. I am human though and do make mistakes in my interactions with others, and I always try to apologize and make amends when I can.

[madeline7]

I too have been excluded from events and news with my FOO and understand how painful this is for you. It is not a consolation, but a true gift you have wonderful loving friends. The hurt is still there, but in my case I have to make an effort to be grateful each day that I have wonderful loving chosen family. Sending you hugs.

[JNChell]

Hello, zachira. I’m sorry about what you’re describing here. I didn’t experience anything like this myself, but I do know that my dad split the family when his dad died. It was interesting and eye opening to hear the stories and to relate those stories to my own experiences with him.

We know that anything important, like settling an estate, will always be difficult and hurtful when people like that are involved. They know that you’re feelings and emotions are vulnerable. At the same time, their feelings and emotions are vulnerable. We also know that they can’t handle that so they project. You’re a fellow scapegoat and it’s always been this way. I know how you feel.

zachira, you’ve an amazing support and presence here. You’ve given me advice that I carry with me daily. It’s also been very impactful in knowing that there is someone else out there that has experienced similar things and is having similar thoughts and philosophies about it all.

These people will always let you down and hurt you. If I can give you a friendly, but pragmatic, nudge? Please focus a little more on Radical Acceptance. In this dynamic, the more we can accept, the more we can be ok with things.

[hope2727]

Yup been there done that. It sucks. I am so sorry you are enduring that. I would write more but what can I say other than you are not alone. Someone once told me "sometimes the hardest cuts on the vine produce the sweetest grapes". It was in reference to ending my romantic relationship however I hold that thought asI approach finally ending my sibling relationships as well. Keep the faith that you are not crazy. You are abused and that can feel crazy making. We get it.
 

[zachira]

I feel so understood and supported by all of you. Thank you is not adequate for expressing my appreciation.
I feel like I am unpeeling an onion. First it was my mother with BPD's cruelty that I had to learn to accept and process. Now it is my siblings' and the extended family's cruelty that I have to learn to accept and process. This summer we laid my mother to rest. I invited some cousins to stay with me and my sister's family in hopes that it would be easier to get along with my sister. Upon arrival, my cousins let me have it. One of them told me that I should be like her father that was a scapegoat who loved his siblings and accepted how badly they treated him. Then I observed how my cousins invited me to go everywhere with them, even though it was obvious that they did not want to spend time with me. One day I was alone with my sister in the house; she was in one living room working  on her computer and I was in another room quietly reading a book. When my sister found out I was there, she left and drove 30 minutes to the nearest coffee house so she would not have to be around me. Many of the cousins were not speaking to me. Later on, it came out that another cousin was abusing her grown son. Knowing that her son was suicidal, she bought him the tomb stone he requested for his birthday, and with a smile on her face bragged about it. There are certain relatives who are kind to me. It is just so frustrating to hear what a great family we are when nothing could be further from the truth. I am grieving the loss of family, never having married or had children thinking I was not worth it, and then realizing I will have to make my own family in my later years as being with the immediate and extended family I experience endless cruel scapegoating of me and others, and it is just a nightmare.
JNChell,
Yes, radical acceptance is where I am heading. I do realize that I do have a life time of losses to grieve and process, as there will always be moments when I feel terribly sad about how I was targeted since birth to be one of the scapegoats. I have been doing mindfulness for several years now and it helps most of the time so no feeling becomes too overwhelming. It really helps to cry deeply and mourn the latest round of cruelty from my family members. I am hoping there will a time when the contact with the immediate and large extended family is really limited to the point that I just don't get that upset that much or that long over the latest round of cruelty either towards me or other family members, especially towards the children and teenagers whose needs deserve to be put first in the hearts and actions of older family members.

[TelHill]

Same here, zachira. My sibling & cousins are troubled. They take it out on me.  Went NC and feel like a normal person now.

Tough love gives them a slight push to clean up their act.  Am sure they act like this with others. At some point the cheese stands alone.

You are making the best choice.   

[zachira]

TelHill,
Thank you once again for responding to my threads.
I am glad to hear that you feel so much better after going NC with your siblings and cousins. My challenge is I own property with my siblings, and truly will never be able to go NC with them until all the property is sold which may take a few years. There are just so many losses to grieve in having to go NC with the immediate and extended families, yet I am so anxious to feel the relief you have experienced from going NC. I was  really relieved when my mother with BPD died. I felt terribly guilty that I wished she would die, yet I could not stand her abusing me any more. I am expecting that I will somehow get to a point where I accept who my siblings are and heal from the hurt. I am alone with no partner or children. I do have great friends though there is a limit as to how much I can talk to them about this, as it understandably becomes too much for them. This is stuff for therapy. My therapist has moved to another state.
I appreciate everyone that reads and responds to my posts during this painful time. Any feedback on how to get through this is welcome.

[TelHill]

Hi zachira, 

I potentially own property with some of my cousins and my sibling.  They attempted to gaslight me with false info to keep me out.  They aren't the sharpest pencils in the box, so easy to see it. I fought back and am continuing to do so on my own. I will call in a lawyer at some point. The jurisdiction is very, very slow. It will take a few years to clear up what they ruined with their greed and dishonesty.

Again, I would urge you to call the jurisdiction to get the real status. Probate problems plague both normal loving families and dysfunctional ones. The government office is used to this.

BTW, you have a right to get angry at being thrown under the bus. I am. I forgave to stop this eating away at me.  I can never trust or like them though. What kind of lowlifes do this stuff, anyway?

[zachira]

Telhill,
I am sorry you have been cheated out of property by your sibling and cousins. I am glad you are standing up for yourself though I can imagine the frustration over being treated like this and having to deal with this ongoing problem that will not be resolved for a long time.
I called probate and looks like the estate is not settled. I called the law firm the first lawyer who has since retired was working at, and supposedly there is a new lawyer working on the estate. I can't understand why my sister told me that the new lawyer has been calling me and I have been unavailable. Obviously my brother told her this, and I guess they are trying to pin on my that I am not making myself available so they can settle things their way. My sister refused to give me the name and contact information for the lawyer. I am being gas lighted by my siblings and it is so unnecessary. At least I now know who they are and won't be fooled again when they pretend to be nice. I don't think forgiveness is possible. I believe in compassion instead of forgiveness for people who act badly because their mistreatment of others is really a reflection of how they feel about themselves.

[TelHill]

Telhill,
I am sorry you have been cheated out of property by your sibling and cousins. I am glad you are standing up for yourself though I can imagine the frustration over being treated like this and having to deal with this ongoing problem that will not be resolved for a long time.

  Thanks. It's a blessing in disguise. I was not in the immediate area where my cousins and sibling live until my parents became ill.   I can see their true character now.

I called probate and looks like the estate is not settled. I called the law firm the first lawyer who has since retired was working at, and supposedly there is a new lawyer working on the estate. I can't understand why my sister told me that the new lawyer has been calling me and I have been unavailable. Obviously my brother told her this, and I guess they are trying to pin on my that I am not making myself available so they can settle things their way. My sister refused to give me the name and contact information for the lawyer. I am being gas lighted by my siblings and it is so unnecessary. At least I now know who they are and won't be fooled again when they pretend to be nice. I don't think forgiveness is possible. I believe in compassion instead of forgiveness for people who act badly because their mistreatment of others is really a reflection of how they feel about themselves.

In my opinion, be compassionate towards yourself. They are taking advantage of you. That's what they are feeling. They deserve a stern warning from a judge for misbehavior bordering on the criminal for withholding important info. 

[shield-me]

Shield-me,
Thank you for your response. My heart hurts knowing you are being abused by your own sibling. Telling me you cried when you read my story, brings tears to my eyes as you understand how I hurt I am, and also because I just feel tremendous sadness for you. Can you tell me a little more about how your situation with your sibling who is abusing you emotionally and physically every day? I am wondering if there is some way I can help you so that this emotional and physical abuse does not continue.
I appreciate that you recognize that our siblings are jealous of us. I like to think of them as paying a price for not being able to feel their own pain and needing to take out all their unhappiness/cruel feelings towards themselves out on a sibling. People that treat others with kindness and respect are truly the happy ones. I am working on trying to be the best person that I can be, and to never treat another human being like my siblings have treated me. I am human though and do make mistakes in my interactions with others, and I always try to apologize and make amends when I can.

Hi zachira, the situation with my sibling is that he is a male sibling. He is lucifer in the flesh. Ever since this sibling finished education he put his anger onto me. When he finished education traumatic events happened in the family. It's like my brother was emotionally depressed and playing mind games to put his anger onto me. This happened all last decade for 10 years. After ten years I'm depressed because I am a victim of abuse from my brother and an ex-friend. It's chronic abuse that I'm the victim of.  I speak to an abuse survivor group. Sometimes my brother abuses me so much that even in the past I had self harm/suicidal thoughts. Now I stopped having those thoughts, I like living.

[gotbushels]

zachira 

I support you here with the others.   

Any suggestions on how to stay the course [...]

Something I took away from my relationship with UexpwBPDgf was always keep up your self care. I've tried to live that over the years following and it's seemed to serve me well. I think that's also consistent with the board recommendation of self-care being a foundation of whatever it is you're building—I encourage you to keep that going. E.g. if your T has moved—look for another one or sub-in something for this self-care piece. Massage/spa etc., whatever you can to give yourself that self-support.

Any [...] and not let myself become upset and unsettled when they come up with some new ways to hurt me?

Complicated one. We've all been through this heaps—and so have you.

My intention here isn't to give you a new tool, it's just to share I'm here with you. These things are all just a mix of tools I've learned around this that work for me.

I think:

• Let yourself become upset—there's a good opportunity to practice acceptance here on your on your own.
• Next time before you enter discussion with them—1. recall the game, 2. recall their intention, then 3. remember your strategy.

To share and embellish.

For one difficult person that I've managed;

Practicing acceptance: I let me feelings be known to me. Use whatever self-validation you've learned; I'll usually keep doing this until I feel down-regulated enough to feel I'm in a state of acceptance about the issue.

1. the game is that she'll try to use me for her validation and self-supply to compensate for her fragmented self;

2. her intention is to use the "methods" she "knows" to get it (similar to your case: gas lighting, projecting the blame, blah blah insert X method here, etc.);

3. my strategy;
- A. get what my objectives are for that discussion;
- B. exit quickly;
- C. exit gracefully.

For me personally, there's a big entanglement and helper-invoking dynamic that will go on with this person—and being emotional leader in the discussion, that means I always have to remind myself what my big wants for the discussion are; that here's (1) to get what I want and (2) to exit. Exit is key—so that's why it occurs twice for me, with the management of this particular person.

The management of these people as you can see is a multi-step process—so of course I'll try to look for ways to get what I want without even getting into a discussion with them in the first place. There are other stakeholders in my life that I do actually enjoy spending time with (e.g., friends like your friends)—and it's more effective for me to find a way to give my time to them instead.


This is probably nothing new to you, so I share this to let you know that there are other people doing the same things you're doing in similar situations.   

Enjoy your weekend and the peace you've got.

[TelHill]

gotbushels, this is so helpful! BPD sufferers manipulate & cause pain to us. NC is not an option sometimes. Strategies to help oneself are invaluable.

[JNChell]

Hey, zachira. RA is a process under the umbrella of our unique way of trying to heal. It takes time. Harri once reminded me that what was done to me took a long time and it won’t be undone in a short amount of time, so be easy on yourself. Grounding, in my experience, involves not beating ourselves up for having the feelings that are associated with narcissistic abuse. It was awful and terrifying and it’s ok to feel that way about it. It is what it is.

Patterns are very present within a lot of the conversations here. It’s easy to focus on the patterns of those that are causing us pain and this is important to recognize while moving forward. At the same time, I had to recognize my own patterns within the dynamic/s that I was feeling bad about.

My parents died 10 years ago and my sister and I somehow easily removed ourselves from the rest of the family. To be honest, I don’t know if the whole family dynamic is toxic, but I will not be going back to see if it is or not. I’ve moved on in that aspect. It sounds like you still have a large family unit that, for lack of better words, scares and upsets you. Always remember to think about yourself and do the things that make you feel good.

[GaGrl]

Zachira, if your brother and sister refuse to disclose into or even the name of the lawyer now handling probate, you might need your own laeyer. That message to S and B might be: "Since you refuse to disclose requested into necessary to closing our parent's estate, I am directing my lawyer to communicate with you directly, including any legal action required to move toward finalization of the estate." Then let him/ her do it.  You may need to file a "Compel to..." motion to get the most basic info. Fine. If they want to play it this way, what do you have to lose?

[TelHill]

RA is what I am working on with my brother. My time limit being around him ends in a few days.  NC comes after that despite christening, perhaps more babies, trips timing coinciding to our family’s summer home.

You’ve received many great suggestions. I don’t have much to add, except that you’re  not alone giving love to siblings and receiving indifference as a reward.

Thinking about you and hope you are enjoying self-care this weekend!   

[zachira]

Thank you for caring, and all your responses and suggestions. I will reply more at length when I have more information. Right now, I am waiting to get the papers from the probate court and then look at my options. My challenge is not to take on the emotions of my siblings. They want to hurt me and have me feel as bad as they do. I am keeping my head up and reaching out for support as needed. This is really all about acceptance as many have said. I am letting go of the fantasy that I will ever be treated wtih love and kindness by my siblings, and I know now that the periods of calm will always be interrupted by my siblings ganging up on me, and being cruel to me. I had a phone call from a family member tonight and I let her know that I will only be having contact with my siblings when I have to. I told her how they are not letting me have any of my mother's things. Then I asked her all about her family, as I really don't want to spend too much time talking about my siblings. There just really isn't much point in spending time on the why and what of my siblings' cruelty towards me. Today I was indulging in some of the things I really enjoy. It is okay to feel sad and angry for short periods of time, and then I need to go to the positive, not let my siblings waste too much space in my head and heart, just not worth it.

[Methuen]

Today I was indulging in some of the things I really enjoy. It is okay to feel sad and angry for short periods of time, and then I need to go to the positive, not let my siblings waste too much space in my head and heart, just not worth it.

Good for you Zachira. That sounds like "acceptance" to me.
I genuinely hope you find/feel peace as you move through this process, and I wish for you to find joy again when all this becomes past history, and the family "business" is behind you.

My friends are so kind, respectful, and give me helpful feedback when they disagree with me. I must go forward, cry my tears, feel my frustrations, and then move on from what my siblings have done to me, above all accept that I cannot have them in my life anymore.  NC cannot come soon enough!

Yes yes yes

[zachira]

I am finding myself looking inward today. I have done years of therapy and all kinds of holistic health work, and as I have unpeeled the onion, I have always had the fantasy of getting to the point where I can just be content where I am, and no longer have to keep being uprooted by the pain and sorrow of being one of the many scapegoats of so many generations. I realize that I will always be doing the intense work of looking at: What is my part in this?How can I bring myself more inner peace and contribute to making life better for others, especially children? I am deeply introspective person, yet I can shut down at times ignoring the obvious; this has been particularly true with my family members as I have so badly wanted to be loved and appreciated by them, and have made all kinds of accomodations to get along with them while at times protesting quite loudly about the abuse to family members who only want to control me and have no capacity to see me as a separate person from them. I am thinking along the lines now of detaching from personal objects and owning so many things, especially the family heirlooms that meant so much to my mother and many generations of family members, though today have very little monetary value. We can't take our possessions with us. We can however empower the younger generation by validating them and giving them the tools to be their best selves. As I wait for the documents from the Probate Court, these are my thoughts. I keep thinking of so many people I admire, who have heartbreaking problems yet keep the problems in perspective while doing what is best for themselves and others. I think in some ways that I am a role model to my siblings though I do not expect to ever receive any kind of recognition from them. I do believe that jealousy may be what drives them to want to hurt me so badly while realizing that they are hurt beings themselves from so much child abuse; it brings tears to my eyes to think that they have let themselves become like the family members that abused them. I am letting go of controlling my siblings and doing what I can to be the best person I can be. Having more compassion for self and others is where I am headed.

[zachira]

Today I am feeling gratitude and am becoming detached from getting any of my mom's things. I am so grateful that I can have loving relationships unlike my siblings. I am feeling that I can live a simple life and things aren't that important. I already have many lovely things that my mother gave me while she was alive. I really feel that I am finally facing reality: that the relationships with my siblings will always be about unending meltdowns and blaming the most convenient target for their uncomfortable feelings, and there is simply nothing I can do to change that. This time the PTSD and depression are not lasting as long, compared to when my siblings kicked me out of Christmas, and I was depressed and crying for months. I had a conversation with my neighbor who lives with her father and his wife with BPD. She said therapy didn't help her that much, that mindfulness was what is helping her to deal with all the stress of living with a stepmother with BPD that is abusing her father who has Alzeimer's. I am finding mindfulness and limiting the ruminating over my sibling's behaviors is what is giving me more peace and self confidence to move forward into radical acceptance.

[TelHill]

So glad you are feeling better. RA and detachment are great tools to calm your mind during challenging periods.

I have been to therapy on and off my adult life. The majority of it was not helpful, to be honest. The best ones acted like my cheerleaders & top supporters. I think they helped because I had not one encouraging word from dBPDm.  Little Telhill needed and never received it.  

One of my best therapists was a psychiatry resident at a teaching hospital. She was like the mom I never had. She was fantastic! She is a child psychiatrist with her own practice now. Am too old to see her.

I’m a bit like your neighbor. I am a DIY-er helping myself during stressful times.
 
 
 

[zachira]

Telhill,
I feel you understand how I feel. I think therapy can turn into venting sometimes. A competent therapist will keep us in a mindfulness calm zone in which we can process and heal from what is bothering us.

[TelHill]

No, I’m proactive and like to have goals to meet to get ahead in life.  I’m not a venter in therapy. I don’t think you are either, zachira.

I believe it’s counterproductive to remain stuck in anger. It’s a waste of money. I’ve lost a lot of time due to my FOO’s dysfunction.  Many therapists were not trained to deal with bpd. It’s been in the last 5-7 years that there’s been more awareness and training to deal with it. 

There’s still more that needs to be done. I saw a clinical psychologist trained in treating victims of traumatic childhoods in late 2018. I told her my mom was diagnosed with bpd by a psychiatrist. The psychologist told me the psychiatrist could be wrong. It could be PTSD only.

It could be comorbid with it, but I disagreed with her assessment of someone she hadn’t seen.  A therapist living full time with an untreated bpd person for 6 months would be a great way for therapists to truly understand the condition.

I don’t think this late fiction/non fiction writer is popular any longer -David Foster Wallace. I don’t hear that much about him. His short story The Depressed Person is about a woman who is not being helped by therapy.  I could relate to this short story a lot.

[gotbushels]

I am letting go of controlling my siblings and doing what I can to be the best person I can be.

  I support you zachira.

[madeline7]

So glad mindfulness is helping. And detachment is a great tool. I also think finding a good therapist trained in DBT and BPD is so hard to find. Bottom line, having a person in your life with BPD is stressful, traumatic and a huge time suck. Good for you that you are making gains in getting your life back, and are appreciating your ability to lead a life with love and compassion.

[zachira]

Madeleine7,
I always appreciate your understanding and wisdom. Thank you.

[zachira]

Gotbushels,
Thank you for helping me to deal with my BPD siblings and the aftermath of the death of my mother with BPD. You helped me a great deal in saying no to interacting and being attracted to men who were like my family members which I think is playing a big part now in being able to see my siblings with BPD for who they are.  

[Harri]

This thread reached the max post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343574.msg13103848#msg13103848

Thank you.