She's no longer sure she's in love with me...

[BeardedRadical]

Hey everyone,

First time post, so I'll try to fill in with the basic need to know details. Hopefully it comes across cogently enough.

My partner (F27) and I (M28) have been together since about May 2018. I met her at my master's program. She was a year ahead of me. We started talking and hanging out there, and eventually we started going steady. By that summer she had moved in with me, largely out of convenience since she had graduated ahead of me and was trying to find a job, didn't have an income, etc. I was open to it and enjoyed getting to be around her more.

That summer is when a lot of the "issues" started to become apparent to me. I had to go to DC for an internship, so I was only home with her every weekend or so. Her depression was getting bad, not able to find work as she hoped. She would drink to deal with this, and could become angry easily - anger which would often then be focused at me. There was one weekend where she threw things at me, including semi-full beer cans, spit in my face and would hit and kick at me, not let me sleep by terrorizing me throughout the night, etc. There was a moment that summer where I pulled the plug and left her. She was devestated from this, and the fallout was emotionally difficult for me too. (I let her stay at my apartment and paid rent because she was unemployed, while having my family help me find housing elsewhere).

A few months later, after much discussion between us, I decided to get back with her and move to a nearby town where she had gotten work with the State. Her and I had been talking a lot about what happened, what she was doing to help and improve her self, and what needed to happen with our relationship. I fell in love with her hard, but this was a difficult time for me because of the pain of earlier happenings. I quickly realized that many of these problems would persist. After moving in we continued to have strange arguments and fights that seemed to come out of nowhere, be acutally about something else, etc. These fights would make me feel like I was loosing sense of what was actually happening in my life.

After a few months of this, I also graduated with my masters. We both applied to PhD's in our field with a romantic notion that we could go to the same school together. Unfortunately, we got accepted to different programs. I decided to forgo mine and go with her to hers, take a leap year, and reapply. As of today, I can happily say this plan worked - I was just accepted earlier this week into the program for Fall 2020. However, that gap year has been difficult.

Ever since the start of her program we've become more distant. We stopped having sex because she was always frustrated and stressed, or I was depressed and not in the mood. I felt alone and pathetic being out there with her and not being in the program. I found work as an adjunct teacher, which helped bring in some money. I did/do 90%+ of the housework when it comes to cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of the animals we have (cats). I always felt she resented me though, as she paid the rent via her stipend, with me chipping in for groceries occasionally, while covering all other small costs. That was our deal. However, fights would always be weaponized against me because I was "lazy," a "moocher," "pathetic," "selfish" and demanding her time, etc. The fact that I was/am smoking cannabis as a way to deal with this stress was another thing she would often weaponize against me.

I'm not perfect. I escalate these fights sometimes because its hard not to take these things personally. However, I feel she is always the one starting fights, getting mad and attacking me at what seems out of nowhere. She would go to parties - I was not invited - and yet she would accuse me of preventing her from getting her work for school done. I do all the housework, her emotional labor and support, and she goes out with friends from the program... but I'm selfish when I try to talk to her or get her to apologize after she would verbally and emotionally attack me. Stuff like that. As soon as she would feel bad because of something she did, I would become the problem somehow.

This last November was my birthday. The weekend before my birthday, she went to two parties in a row. The last one she didn't come home, so we had an argument when she came by the next day. Told me nothing happened. Next day is my birthday. She completely forgets it and isn't home until 10 PM. She feels horrible when I reveal this to her, but somehow she gets angry with me later that night and cries saying I'm mean or something like that. Long story short, this continued for two days until I broke and looked at her phone. I find out she's mad at some guy for "f-ing her for her pussy" at the party. I confront her, and she tells me it was sexual assault and that's why she didn't let me know. That she was afraid I would break up, etc. She also lays on that she's feeling attracted to others, and it might be because I don't have sex with her as much as I used to, etc. That she was attracted to this particular guy, but has blocked him now. All that.

I believe her when she says she felt sexually assaulted and triggered over the whole ordeal. At the same time, I think she also wanted it and only felt violated because she was too drunk to consent in this particular instance. Since this event, we've had major problems connecting. Many fights. Major trust issues. She's admitted to me that she doesn't feel close to me, but doesn't know if its because of the assault, me, or something else.

After Christmas we came to the realization that she may have BPD. I fought hard to get her to see someone, and finally have succeeded in getting her to meet someone weekly who does DBT. She refuses to talk to me about what she does in those sessions. I also am seeing a therapist and have been taking Cymbalta during this entire ordeal. She's told me repeatedly that she loves me. Many days she'll say "you don't love me" and have me walk through reassuring her that I do love her. That kind of push-pull behavior.

Today we somehow got into a fight about finances. She goes on accusing me of being a moocher, lazy, etc. That I don't offer to pay for rent (that's not how we agreed to things a few months ago, so I felt this was unfair). Typical implosive anger. Money issue got her mad, so she's screaming at me, calling me names, talking about how I'm horrible. I break down from this eventually. I'm crying. She tells me to just break up with her, and she's not sure she wants to do this, that this isn't working, and she isn't romantically in love with me. I get ready to leave to go for a walk because I have to leave to give her space and let me clear my head, and she claims this means she can't open up to me because I just leave...

All our arguments are like this. She angrily pushes me away, accuses me of things. I fight back, trying to reason and get her to see how that's incorrect/not what happened. She seems receptive, until something triggers her to angrily push me away over something else. Nothing seems to be achieved. I come away hurt. Now she's telling me we have new boundaries, where she won't touch me or tell me she loves me cause she "doesn't want to lead me on" (which is an unfair interpretation of something I was trying to say about being honest with our feelings rather than just placating me).

She's broken up with me many times, and usually within a day tells me she didn't mean that, doesn't want to lose me, can't control her angry, that she's a bad person because of it, etc. It's a pattern. It's hard to figure what's real there. Whether I should just pathologize her and interpret everything that way, or if I ever take her seriously with something like that.

Worst part? I'm in love with this women. All the bad aside, she makes me happy and feel loved when she is being good, loving, and kind to me. This cycling? Probably happens 1-2 times a week on the average ever since I moved back in with her.

Sorry that this comes across as a rant. I'm sure a lot isn't clear here. Just feeling immensely down... what am I supposed to do when the person I'm in love with can love me one day, isnt' sure the next, and hates me for hours at a time. Right now we've calmed down. I hear her giggling about something in the next room. But there's no way in hell I could go hug her, or kiss her, or try to recover. She'd become cold and push me away. Or get angry again.

I'm just lost :/ I don't want to lose her. I feel pathetic, ashamed, and foolish. I feel unwanted and worthless in these moments. And yes, I know, many of the things I've described are abuse and something I've been trying to work on with my therapist now is why I'm ok with some of these things. Why I keep pushing. Why I still feel madly in love with her and don't want to lose her. It's all really painful.

Thanks for listening/reading. Not sure what advice I'm asking for. Just going to try and be on here more often. I have to decide if I do want to pursue this PhD program, whether that would be with her or seperate from her, and so forth. Lots of hard decisions. I don't want to leave her... my ideal is to have everything work. I'm just feeling worn out right now. I'll see my therapist tomorrow thankfully.

Best,

-BeardedRadical

Edit: Apparently our new boundaries means one of us has to sleep on the couch, and that I'm "not going to convince [her]" to change her mind as to whether or not she will touch me or say she loves me again. Honestly, very tired. It all hurts. I love her and just want her love in return. She can't give it to me, but pulls stuff like this and won't tell me why this is what she's wanting/needing.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jaded7]

I'll be the first to say good job posting on this board. Read the resources, there are tons of them on here. I came her over a month ago after googling 'angry girlfriend', 'verbally abusive girlfriend' etc.

Your story sounds very similar to mine, although we weren't living together. I have cried many times from frustration, hurt and I have spent many nights unable to sleep as the crazy-making accusations and attacks and strange 'arguments' that seemed to erupt out of nowhere kept my head spinning and I needed to write it out. I put arguments in quotes because they weren't arguments in any sense I know them to be, they were always just weird accusations or out of nowhere attacks or responses to something I say or did or didn't do that seemed to come out of 'stories' in her head about me, how I feel about her, what my intentions were and I would try to correct her statements or defend myself or explain my intentions. I would stay up all night writing in a journal trying to make sense of it.

You can read my story if you want, just look it up by my username. But I can identify with much of you wrote, and many on here have said that my gf's behavior- especially the completely dysregulated anger accompanied by name calling, interruptions as I calmly tried to just state facts, or correct the narrative (always changing the facts to make me look bad), globalizing, personal attacks...etc.- are consistent with bpd. The thing that has really stuck in my head is that these attacks and angry sessions (some of which have lasted 3-4 hours) are, when I recall them, very much in the way a young child would behave...just nonsense misdirections, switching topics, anything to win or not acknowledge things.

There are many smart and experienced people on the board here, I'm sure they will chime in.

[BeardedRadical]

Hey Jaded7,

Thanks for the reply. I'm kind of isolated out here (on East coast, all family/friends are on West coast), so I'm turning here to vent and deal with things. I really do appreciate your reply. Talking with people about this seems to make me feel better, although I know ultimately it doesn't "solve" much in terms of my problem.

Funny how a relationship with a pwBPD can make you feel incredibly isolated, crazy, and inept. I fear talking about these issues with any of my friends or family will just make them hate her and prevent any possiblity of this getting better. I feel I already made a mistake by talking with my parents and friends about some of our earlier issues. My partner definitely holds those things against me too. Makes me feel like I can't talk to anyone.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want people to know how bad it actually can get, cause ultimately they'll just tell me to leave. And maybe if I had self-respect that's the conclusion I would come to too. I don't know if that's the issue. Regardless, I love her and this all hurts.

Thanks for listening.

[jaded7]

Hey Jaded7,

Thanks for the reply. I'm kind of isolated out here (on East coast, all family/friends are on West coast), so I'm turning here to vent and deal with things. I really do appreciate your reply. Talking with people about this seems to make me feel better, although I know ultimately it doesn't "solve" much in terms of my problem.

Funny how a relationship with a pwBPD can make you feel incredibly isolated, crazy, and inept. I fear talking about these issues with any of my friends or family will just make them hate her and prevent any possiblity of this getting better. I feel I already made a mistake by talking with my parents and friends about some of our earlier issues. My partner definitely holds those things against me too. Makes me feel like I can't talk to anyone.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want people to know how bad it actually can get, cause ultimately they'll just tell me to leave. And maybe if I had self-respect that's the conclusion I would come to too. I don't know if that's the issue. Regardless, I love her and this all hurts.

Thanks for listening.

I fully understand. I talked to my friends and family, and they were just absolutely horrified. But I felt so isolated and confused and alone. This, unfortunately, has fed into our dynamic I fear. Although she doesn't know that I have talked to my Dad and sister about her behavior, as well as friends, I think she suspects that I have. I do know that when I first went to a therapist last year she tried to get me to 'make sure you tell her that you (did ______ to 'cause' her to yell at me for 4 hours and call me names)..." about one of the incidents. As in, she wanted to influence what the therapist thought about her and what I was telling her.

And they have all told me to leave the relationship, that she's not well, that she's abusive, both verbally and emotionally. My therapists have told me that.

But like you, I love her. At least I think I do. I haven't spoken to her in over 6 weeks and STILL spend 80% of my waking hours thinking of her, not knowing if I'm doing the right thing by not contacting her. But the last time we interacted was such a mindful**k, (excuse my language) that I simply could not believe it, and the names she called me were so unbelievable (demeaned me, my career and business I started, just absolutely bizarre random attacks, gaslighting to the extreme) that I just said to myself that she is welcome to apologize or explain herself...the phone goes both ways.

[BeardedRadical]

Yeah, I originally told my parents about the instances of physical abuse since I needed financial assistance to find temporary housing while I let her stay in my apartment. For my parents, this was them helping me leave. I can't help but feel I've royally disappointed them by returning, so I don't talk to them much at all about this stuff anymore. (For clarity, she has since not hit or thrown anything at me - there have been significant improvements on that front. Doesn't stop her from holding me having left against me nowadays and as reason as to why she can't trust me).

When the cheating/assault incident happened (and I hope I don't seem insensitive to assault/rape issues... I just literally don't know what to believe when she tells me things), I talked to some of my best friends. One of them even flew me back out to Seattle for a few days so we could talk and I could get a break. My partner was livid over this, accused me of just s**t talking her, etc. My friends all told me I was being mistreated, abused, and that I shouldn't have these concerns in a healthy relationship. Didn't change the fact that I loved her and want to work on things.

 Nowadays? Maybe I text my brother about some issues, but I keep the information sparce and focus on the "she's not sure she loves me" issue. I've told my therapist most things, except I don't think I mentioned the physical abuse earlier on - largely because I think I'm over that at this point.

I'm in a bind... she keeps telling me I would be better off with someone else who can reciprocate love to me, and that she's a broken person. This tears me apart, because I see so much more to her than her BPD. I live with her, am a co-leasee, and am about to enter the same PhD program as her. I don't want to break up, I don't want to leave, and I don't want to stop seeing/talking with her. If I did the first step, then all these other things would follow. I don't want to completely ghost her either... I promised her I wouldn't abandon her again. She "released" me from the promise last night when I brought it up again.

It's funny. I should be happy this week because I got into the PhD program. Haven't really been able to.

[jaded7]

Yeah, I originally told my parents about the instances of physical abuse since I needed financial assistance to find temporary housing while I let her stay in my apartment. For my parents, this was them helping me leave. I can't help but feel I've royally disappointed them by returning, so I don't talk to them much at all about this stuff anymore. (For clarity, she has since not hit or thrown anything at me - there have been significant improvements on that front. Doesn't stop her from holding me having left against me nowadays and as reason as to why she can't trust me).

When the cheating/assault incident happened (and I hope I don't seem insensitive to assault/rape issues... I just literally don't know what to believe when she tells me things), I talked to some of my best friends. One of them even flew me back out to Seattle for a few days so we could talk and I could get a break. My partner was livid over this, accused me of just s**t talking her, etc. My friends all told me I was being mistreated, abused, and that I shouldn't have these concerns in a healthy relationship. Didn't change the fact that I loved her and want to work on things.

 Nowadays? Maybe I text my brother about some issues, but I keep the information sparce and focus on the "she's not sure she loves me" issue. I've told my therapist most things, except I don't think I mentioned the physical abuse earlier on - largely because I think I'm over that at this point.

I'm in a bind... she keeps telling me I would be better off with someone else who can reciprocate love to me, and that she's a broken person. This tears me apart, because I see so much more to her than her BPD. I live with her, am a co-leasee, and am about to enter the same PhD program as her. I don't want to break up, I don't want to leave, and I don't want to stop seeing/talking with her. If I did the first step, then all these other things would follow. I don't want to completely ghost her either... I promised her I wouldn't abandon her again. She "released" me from the promise last night when I brought it up again.

It's funny. I should be happy this week because I got into the PhD program. Haven't really been able to.

Just want to say I would suggest that you tell your therapist about the physical abuse. That's important for him/her to know.

[BeardedRadical]

Just want to say I would suggest that you tell your therapist about the physical abuse. That's important for him/her to know.

I took your advice. I had a session with her today, so I let her know what happened awhile ago. It was good; she just confirmed what I knew, and that these are abusive patterns and that my pwBPD probably cannot improve on them without years of hard work in DBT sessions, etc.

Also am continuing to hear back from my pwBPD that they don't know what to do, what the trajectory of all of this will be, and that they feel like s**t for telling me this stuff. Makes me sad, and realizing that I probably lost this fight, but that it's also one I couldn't win anyway.

At least its calm right now.

[jaded7]

I took your advice. I had a session with her today, so I let her know what happened awhile ago. It was good; she just confirmed what I knew, and that these are abusive patterns and that my pwBPD probably cannot improve on them without years of hard work in DBT sessions, etc.

Also am continuing to hear back from my pwBPD that they don't know what to do, what the trajectory of all of this will be, and that they feel like s**t for telling me this stuff. Makes me sad, and realizing that I probably lost this fight, but that it's also one I couldn't win anyway.

At least its calm right now.

I think that was a good move. I related all the things that my gf said and did, and my therapist at one point just told me that although she doesn't make it a practice with her clients, she needed to tell me that this sounded really abusive. Sever abuse she said.

I've written about it elsewhere here, but I just want to take care of her and make her feel better. But the attacks and the anger and criticism and manipulations and disrespect. I feel like I know who she is, and this isn't her at her heart, but everything I tried to do didn't work. I now realize that I did the wrong thing when she would get really worked up...I JADED, which is justify, argue, explain and defend. From what I've read here that is precisely the wrong thing to do, but I didn't know that. I thought that calmly explaining how that wasn't my intention, or I tried to _____, or that's not what we said, or but you said that_____ just made her more angry.

The biggest struggle for me now is getting over the missing her and feeling like I'm worthless (another word she used about me...in regards to grocery shopping).

I'm a kind and sensitive person, and this has hit me hard. You seem like you are doing quite well, congratulations on that.

[once removed]

hi BeardedRadical, and

theres a lot going on here. you two are definitely in a cycle.

you will want to take this in bits in pieces...theres a lot at play. you will want to think in terms of big picture (not just the fight happening at the time)...how things got here, how theyre going to change, and realistically, whether or not they can, or how much they can. you cant solve everything at once, or turn this around over night, and you dont want to rock the boat too much anyway.

at the same time, you want to work closely with your support group and your therapist, and you want to master the tools here. be proactive. start to turn this in a more healthy trajectory as quickly as possible.

it sounds like your partner has been all over the place in terms of wanting more from you and wanting less of you. thats part of the crux of bpd...they communicate, loudly, frantically, but it takes a discerning eye and mind to hear, through it all, what theyre really telling you.

this really can get better. youve found the right place, and there is hope. but you have your work cut out for you - dont underestimate that.