My husband is uBPD. We’ve been together two years and have a one year old daughter. I would have run for the hills if we didn’t have her. He’s currently 3 months into a 9 month deployment and the 7000 mile distance has made him easier to tolerate. Because of that we’ve been talking about having another baby when he gets back.
Some days I can’t wait and feel very capable of doing it. Others, I remember the profound misery of parenting with him. He loves our daughter but I don’t feel I can count on him, full stop. I feel like I’m the only parent and he’s a semi-reliable babysitter. We had absolutely harrowing fights after baby was born because I had no clue about BPD and did absolutely everything to make things worse. I’ve been thinking I could manage another baby with him because I know how to deal with things now without making them worse.
The thing I realized this week though is that the main way I’m able to keep things more or less stable is by working to keep things absolutely calm and predictable and always have the self control to talk the way the books tell you. But having a baby is an inherently destabilizing event and I don’t know if I want to do this to myself, to put myself at the mercy of his BPD
$$hole side while juggling a newborn and toddler.
He assures me it will be different because we’ve both changed. I don’t believe it for a second. I’VE changed, because I do the work of weekly therapy and DBT. He won’t do any of this and always has an excuse why.
It comes down to do I want another child more than I resent my husband for what happened when our daughter was born? Can I move on emotionally even though I’ll never get the full amends and a changed behavior I deserve? My daughter is so wonderful that I fear I will really regret not having another to know and love, that I didn’t get through the hard times so that I could get to the part of knowing this new little person.
For anyone who had a similar choice to make, what did you decide and how did it turn out?
