When / how to talk to children about spouse's illness

[Required2bStable]

My wife's behavior fits BPD though she never committed to enough therapy for any official diagnosis.  My counselor affirmed that my experience as a spouse pointed to BPD.  Walking on Eggshells spoke to my experience.  My wife read a book - Sometimes I Act Crazy I believe - and she acknowledged that "it was her."  That was probably fifteen years ago and she has basically managed things with medication and the stability that I am required to maintain.  

Over the years she has refused talk therapy and I didn't fight for it because 1) there was such a change initially and 2) I have focused on just managing life and family (girls 9 and 12).  For years, her BPD symptoms and behaviors were very reduced and barely perceptible. However, the last three years have been really hard. She was a teacher and the stress was steadily increasing.  She had a school experience that has probably left some PTSD.  She became almost non-functioning except to teach (and she is a phenomenal teacher) and I began to see for the first time in a long time those BPD symptoms (which I'm sure were always there lurking underneath waiting to be fed with stress and fear).  And I didn't help because the more non-functioning she became the more quiet and resentful I became, fanning the flame of fear of abandonment.  I should have known better but was out of practice.

This December she quit that job and is now only tutoring and teaching online one on one which has been a great change.  However, the previous years experience have reinforced my belief that I can't be satisfied with her simply medicating her way through this (which is only being managed by her medical doctor to, I believe, avoid seeing a psychiatrist).  And I'm sure you can imagine how well that conversation has gone.  I watched the opening video here where it said something like "do not use the word mental illness or you may not get a warm response."  Whoops.  Again, I should have known better.  All I want is for us to be able to use that word so we can find a helpful strategy and, when things are going well, I just forget and get lulled into the idea that we're on the same page and we can talk about anything honestly.  

That's some background but my real question is about my kids.  They're getting to an age where they are seeing or are going to see, question and, hopefully not, be hurt by these behaviors.  I want to protect them from being hurt.  I want to help frame for them what they may be seeing or hearing (things I've learned to do in order to remain in this relationship).  But, I wouldn't and don't want to "bash" their mom whom they love.  And I don't want to betray my wife - who undoubtedly would see a conversation to help explain things as a betrayal; especially when she never uses the term mental illness or BPD or disorder or the like.  She only talks about "her anxiety" - no do I want my kids to see this as being disloyal to their mom.

On the other hand, I want to validate anything they are experiencing, help them not to question whether it's their fault or they've done something wrong, protect them from feeling guilty or "not good enough" to satisfy mom AND give the space and freedom to be mad at mom when its appropriate and in productive ways.  But, when and and how much can I share?  Are there ways to share it that are proven and effective?  And both kids are different.  My youngest will defend her mom to the ends of the earth no matter what mom may have done.  She's empathetic off the charts.  My oldest sees it and, I think, feels sympathy for me because of the load she intuitively knows that I carry.  But she's also the one who's more likely to be hurt by mom because she wants to be "a good child."  

Any help or ideas appreciated.  Even just typing this out has been helpful so thanks for offering this safe cyber space.      

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[once removed]

hi Required2bStable, and

the last three years have been really hard. She was a teacher and the stress was steadily increasing.  She had a school experience that has probably left some PTSD.

stress certainly challenges the best of us...unfortunately for people with BPD traits, its kryptonite. it doesnt take a great deal of it, they respond strongly to it, and they generally lack the skills to cope with it.

what happened? it may not be something you can fix, but understanding it may be pretty vital to understanding where things are now, and how to go forward.

All I want is for us to be able to use that word so we can find a helpful strategy and, when things are going well, I just forget and get lulled into the idea that we're on the same page and we can talk about anything honestly. 

ive experienced this a few times in my life. my dad had some form or variety of mental illness. he confessed it once, in a dark moment, and denied that he ever did so subsequently. he also, more than most people ive met, liked to complain about his circumstances, and resist practical suggestions of how to manage what stressed him.

my ex was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. for a long time, the two of us blamed a lot of our problems on it. the longer our relationship went on, the more i tended to attribute issues in our relationship to it, and the more she tended to bristle (or worse) at the suggestion.

my advice would be to heed your wifes discomfort and suggestion. one of the biggest mistakes i made was seeing my ex as someone who was mentally ill; i tended to dismiss what were in retrospect valid issues she raised, if not necessarily expressed clearly or reasonably, and i started to see myself in a sort of one up position to her, and i think on some level she felt that. anyone would.

learning about BPD as a disorder, and finding a support group full of folks who are walking or have walked in your shoes can be a lifeline to understanding what you and your wife are going through, to feeling less alone, and more empowered, to tools that can help you cope, to relationship skills that can truly strengthen your marriage.

that doesnt have to entail her agreeing on what the issue is.

They're getting to an age where they are seeing or are going to see, question and, hopefully not, be hurt by these behaviors.

tell us friend, what are they seeing, experiencing, saying, asking?

[Required2bStable]

Thank you Once Removed.  Appreciated your words and insights.  I know I've neglected the therapy work I've needed to do over the years in order to keep perspective, accept and celebrate what my wife can offer and can be expected, and fend off the build up of resentment and anger. 

You asked about what the kids see.  A couple examples.  My oldest recently shared her birthday wish (tickets to Hamilton).  It was an appropriate "wish" but too expensive for what we'd likely give for a birthday.  But, instead of saying that, my wife lashed out at her for being demanding, selfish and ungrateful for the things we've already given her; none of which I thought was an accurate representation of how she expressed her hope and, more often, the behavior of my wife (projection).  So, after the dust settled, I went back to may daughter to let her know that I did not receive her request that way and, even if we couldn't do it, it was fine for her to ask for it.  But, you could see the lingering effects of the interaction for a while in her. 

With my youngest (who idolizes her mother), it was around a time when she had done something that was deceitful. She was probably 7 or 8 at the time and it was an issue with which we were working.  During our reprimanding of her, my wife told her, "I will never forgive you for this."  And this is our daughter who is extremely sensitive and feels deeply.  In fact, my wife often gets on me about being too tough on her and to remember how sensitive she is.  Weeks later, I'm talking with my daughter and she brings up the fact that mommy will never forgive her.  So, I have to help her understand that mommy was upset and scared and that sometimes when we feel that way that we say things more strongly but that her mother loves her. 

Another incident with the younger daughter occurred when I came to apologize to her for overreacting and responding more sternly than I needed to.  She responded with something like, "well mommy never apologizes."  What she didn't say but is at the heart of the comment is that mommy overreacts and is more stern than she needs to be often. 

We do have both girls in counseling.  The younger for anxiety issues (she has ADHD) and the older because she had a rough transition to 6th grade and was having abdominal migraines.  So, I feel like we're setting them up well for safe space to process what they are experiencing in their families even if it was not the impetus for the counseling.  And, I just confided in their counselor today about their mother so he would know some of the context.  Something my wife did not share and I was not going to bring up in our parent meeting that occurred before the meeting with the child. 

Thanks again for the response. 

[once removed]

learning about triangles is going to help you enormously.

there is the karpman drama triangle, and there is triangulation, generally, among families. both can be really applicable here (they are not exactly the same thing).

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/

So, after the dust settled, I went back to may daughter to let her know that I did not receive her request that way and, even if we couldn't do it, it was fine for her to ask for it.  But, you could see the lingering effects of the interaction for a while in her.

this, for example, may be an area where you and your wife are competing with both each other, and over your children. this is natural...all parents do it to some extent.

but it can complicate all of the relationships involved, whereas, ideally, from a triangle perspective, it would be far more productive to work to get on the same page with your wife (easier said than done, i know), work together, hold each other accountable.