bpdM wants to meet to talk, didn't apologize in email

[wmm]

My bpdM sent me an email after she had sent me a hurtful text message and email before. She said that she was not apologizing but was rephrasing her email in the second email. I was hoping to stay away from her for some time but we're celebrating my Dad's birthday on March 21st and my parents' place so my mother will be there. I told her I could meet for coffee instead of lunch (she drinks at lunchtime).

I don't really want to see her but I want to be at my Dad's birthday party. I was hoping to try going NC with her for a while. I always end up apologizing for something I haven't done. It doesn't seem like she's going to apologize. Is it worth trying to get her to? I'm not sure what to do or how to talk to her.

[zachira]

You are in a position that a lot of us on this site are in: you have an important person with BPD in your life whom you would rather not have contact with yet going NC with this person would mean not having contact with other people that mean a great deal to you. In my experience, my family members with BPD like to impress people outside the immediate family and whomever they are allies with among the relatives and family friends.
I think meeting with your mother in a coffee shop is a good idea, though I would not go alone. Being in a public place and with someone your mother wants to look good in front of, may allow for a more reasonable discussion than you would have if alone with her in private.
I don't know if what I have to say is of much help. Most of all, I want you to know that the members here care, and are here to understand and help when we can.

[wmm]

She said she doesn't drink coffee (which is news to me) and wanted me to meet at one of her favourite restaurants. I suggested a breakfast restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol (I didn't tell her that was why). She said she would pay even though I didn't ask her to (I'm currently unemployed due to an injury). Her reason for getting mad at me is that she said I'm selfish and she listed all the things she had paid for. I did borrow money from her for a car that I needed but I am paying her back. I don't want her to pay for the meal and then use it against me but I'm afraid she'll get mad if I insist on paying my bill. I don't want to give her anything else to use against me. It's very hard for me to stand up for myself in person to my mom because she triggers me and upsets me. I wish I hadn't agreed to see her but I'm close to my dad and really want to celebrate his birthday with him.

[TelHill]

Perhaps make the breakfast short to make an appearance. Order something quick to eat (toast & coffee). Tell a white lie to leave early. For example, say you have a workshop on networking for jobs. You just found out about it. You are lucky they had an opening.

I am all for honesty and aim for it. Those rules fly out the window when you have to protect yourself from a bullying BPD parent. Your healing from childhood abuse is paramount.

[Harri]

Hi.

Regardless of where you meet or who pays, I would not expect an apology.  If you get one, great.  If not, then accept that you did not and probably never will.  Some people choose not to apologize.  Some people can't apologize. 

I don't want her to pay for the meal and then use it against me but I'm afraid she'll get mad if I insist on paying my bill. I don't want to give her anything else to use against me. It's very hard for me to stand up for myself in person to my mom because she triggers me and upsets me. I wish I hadn't agreed to see her but I'm close to my dad and really want to celebrate his birthday with him.

I understand not wanting her to get angry.  I also understand how scary and triggering it can be to say no and stand up for yourself. 

Why not use this as an opportunity to change things up and practice asserting yourself?  One possibility is to say "okay, you pay, I will leave the tip".  Don't ask, make a statement and do it.  Another option would to say to the waiter that you want a separate check when they take the order.  She may say something.  She may get angry.  Let her.  Her reactions do not, or should not direct your behavior on this.

I think this meeting is a good place to practice standing up for yourself.  Setting a limit.  It is in public.  There is a built in time limit for contact.  You will have your own transportation away.  You will have your own money. 

In other words, you will have a whole lot of options open to you and with options there is power.  You do have power here.  You are not helpless.  You will survive her anger (if she gets angry).  If you get triggered you will survive that too.  You have us to help you get through it.       

No contact is good for giving you space to heal for a limited time but it is not necessary to heal. 

Do you want to practice things you can say during the meeting?  What sort of scenarios can you anticipate?

[wmm]

We are meeting at Starbucks at 11am to talk and then she wants to go to the restaurant for lunch at 12:30pm. She said we had "a lot to talk about". This made me nervous because I don't know what she wants to talk about and I spiralled a bit thinking about what she's going to say. If the talk goes badly I will not go to the restaurant, but that means I won't be able to go to my Dad's birthday party either. I guess I could take him out for coffee another time.

I like the idea that I can use this as practice for standing up for myself. I'm afraid she's going to list all the things she's done for me and talk about how ungrateful she thinks I am. She's going to want me to apologize even though I haven't done anything wrong. I'm afraid about not apologizing because that makes her mad but I also don't want to give in like I have before.