What are the best ways to reach out to a borderline ex girlfriend

[Jayjayjay]

She suffers from borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder I'm waiting till she's ready it's complicated she reached out to me a week ago Facebook message me asking how I was I was talking to her on messager she said things would get better between us and then I could tell something happened by her Facebook status a few days later I mailed her asking if everything was okay she told me her dad took his life said shes feeling pain she never felt before I told her I was always there for her if she needed me

Basically should I wait for her to reach out to me I want to be there for her but I don't want to seem too dresprate plus she needs space it's a catch 22 on one hand I want to hug her cuddle her let her know I care and on the other I don't want to chase her and push her away and end up losing her  but I'm not sure what to do last time I had contact with her I made it clear I'm just a phone call away but she's going through a bad time
Ps her dad was a alcoholic who mentally sexually and pshycally abused her she said all the times she had with her dad were not all bad it's a bit PLEASE READed up but i can understand she might have grown up thinking it was normal what he done to her and she said she had mixed feelings she's anger he took his life but sad also I love her I know she's a little bit PLEASE READed up but I just love her for who she is she selfs harms but I don't care about the scars she the only girl who self harms that the scars or her state of mind doesn't put me off her or make me want to run a mile I just don't know what to do I know i will have to wait many months before I can see her again but she's worth the wait

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

I mailed her asking if everything was okay she told me her dad took his life said shes feeling pain she never felt before I told her I was always there for her if she needed me

How did she respond and how did you both sign off? It's good that she responded. That's a devastating loss, no matter what her dad was like. 

[Jayjayjay]

My ex girlfriend who suffers from BPD and bipolar disorder she reached out to me asked me how I have been and also said things would get better between us over Facebook messager then I few days later I could tell something happen by looking at her Facebook status so I sent her a mail asked if everything was okay she told me her father took his life and she was anger and sad she felt pain she never felt before said he was meant to be a granddad and give her away on her wedding day

She didn't have the best relanonship with her father she told me he mentally pshycally and even sexually abused her when she was growing up she said not all the times she had with her father were not all bad so I can understand why she didn't hate him completely he was nasty she told me when she told him we were dating he was happy because I treated her good then he was saying to her your mine and only mine and sent her a text saying to her ur a slut who deserves to be raped I would rather go to your funeral than your wedding you drive me to drink keep your mouth shut that guy will run a mile when he sees you for the monster you are when your without your meds...so he wasn't a nice person sick in the head but he was her father I know it's messed up but I still love the girl it wasn't her fault all that happened to her

Last time I had contact was when she told me her father died I told her I'm always there if she needs me and I'm only a phone call away and if there was anything I could do to her help just to say when I was with her I treated her good she must know I care about her

Just should I wait for her to come to me or should I give it time then reach out to her I'm going to keep trying I love her I just don't want to mess things up she's a tough at for me to follow  she's kind hearted she's unique diffrent from everybody else funny open minded that's why I love her shes stunning too and I want her but my dad always said make your wants want you and I want to be there for her but on the other hand I know she needs space and I know if I chase her it could push her away and I know another woman who suffers from BPD  she told me if I chase her it could push her away into another guy's arms

[Turkish]

Jayjayjay,

She's in pain having BPD, and her loss adds to that pain. I'd give her space, but reach out, not making it about you being there for her so much. That may feel invalidating to her. Have you seen the validation tools in lessons at the top of the board?

In desiring to help or fix, we can often be invalidating. Giving her space, but showing that you care will go a long way, yet not telegraphing your desire to cuddle her. 

[Jayjayjay]

I'm trying to get her back she reached out to me said things would get better between me and her then her father died I could tell something was up by her Facebook status so I mailed her ask if she was okay she said her dad took his own life and she never felt pain like it before said he was meant to give her away on her wedding day and be a grandfather. .. so she's in a bad place with suffering from loss and dealing with bpd and bipolar disorder

I told her I was always there for her and said if there's was anything I could do to help I would do it but I have been told me saying I'm always there for her that she could find that imdating  so can anybody give me phase that could work well I love the girl and I only mean well I know I might be the end of the year or longer but I'm going to wait for her

[Jayjayjay]

I want her back but I don't wanna chase after her like a mug
and lose her but I love Shee has borderline personitly disorder and She reached out to  me first just before her dad died she mail asking how I had been and also said things would get better between me and her I didn't respond to that message so she sent me another one I said to her their was no rush and I'm only a phone call if she needs sombody to talk too

I do want her back I love her and miss her so much I didn't respond straight away because I don't want to seem dresprate it's funny with alot of woman you let them know you want them back and they lose interest they think you don't care it draws them back and it was her that broke up with me she said she wanted a relationship but I hurt her I did mess up once I got her flowers and left them outside her front door then she broke up

I could tell something bad happens by looking at her Facebook profile so I sent her a message asking if everything was okay she said her dad took his life and she was said and felt pain she never felt before and he was meant to be a grandfather and give her away on her wedding day...so she's going through a bad time because of her loss and living with bpd I sent her a mail back letting her know I am always their for her and I am willing to help if she needs me even though there's not much I can do

I'm giving her space but should I let her come to me or should I reach out to her first and if so how long should I wait just I'm worried she might think I stop caring if I don't

I treated her good when she was my girlfriend and when she broke up with me I told her I was sorry I didn't mean to hurt her feeling and told her I still love her and even shared a photo on Facebook the photo said I know I'm nothing special but I hope you won't replace me. She give it a love that was back in January and the last time I seen her was the start of febuary a few days after her brithday she invited me to her house I got her a brithday card she looked so happy when she read it and I also got her a small birthday card she got changed infront of me I didn't make a move because It was the right thing to do I asked if we could get back together she said she wanted to see how we got on as friends and said it wasn't a no just not right know witch I can understand she self harm when we were together showed me the scars it was bad I have read it could mean that I have bounded with her she I understand her head isn't in a good place for a relationship

[Turkish]

I'm giving her space but should I let her come to me or should I reach out to her first and if so how long should I wait just I'm worried she might think I stop caring if I don't

You reached out. How did the messaging conversation end?

It's best not to make it too much about you, or at all. A short note after a few days past the last communication is ok. Like "how are you doing?"

Nothing about you or your needs. She may be in a lot of pain and confusion. Did you look at the communication tools I recommend at the top of the board?

Lessons for Members Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup

It's a lot of material, but reading though some of it can help to start, in order to understand both of your roles in the relationship.  The communication tools are in Lesson 3.