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Author Topic: Regrets for my own actions when broken?  (Read 399 times)
incadove
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« on: March 25, 2020, 05:59:47 PM »

Hi, usually I feel like I have useful advice because of learning to navigate the emotional landscape with my dd's (who I'm not sure if they had bpd, but they had abandonment which I think causes similar emotions and behavior).  But today I am remembering things I did wrong when in a broken emotional state, I have already intensely regretted and apologized for these things, now I am just sort of calm or numb and moving on with my life, and generally I think have been able to be helpful and productive.

I wonder if this is a common experience, or mainly me - I think my broken state was also due to issues in my marriage, and I'm not even feeling like sharing exact details in the whole group.  But just the general shape of it, knowing that there was a time when I was so emotionally sort of wrecked and broken- crying all the time when trying to work, etc. - that I did not make the right decisions and even though I think I was trying I know that in some ways I knew better and could have made better decisions.

Not looking for sympathy at all!  I truly did wrong things that harmed my kids, not looking for that to be denied.  I do have a relationship with all of them right now tho not very close, and all are doing ok but I can see the results especially in one of them, and I'm just wondering how to deal with it now.

The problem is I don't feel much anymore, I am pretty emotionally numb and really just want to live my own life for myself, I don't see a good way to repair damage that I've done, because also there were so many things that I feel I sacrificed, and unless I can see a clear way to help or repair it I just want to have the rest of my life for me. 

Anyway I don't think I'm looking for answers really, just wanted to share this state in case it resonates with someone else, maybe that will be a little useful.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
incadove
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« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2020, 06:01:26 PM »

And I guess my advice for anyone else in that state now - broken and maybe doing something not quite right - is to get help as soon as you can, for yourself, to strengthen yourself to do the right things!
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Huat
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« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2020, 01:05:36 PM »

Here is a much-needed (((HUG))) for you, Incadove Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

We here are used to feeling the warmth that can come from a....S o c I a l   D I s t a n c e d....hug. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

What with the world's present "predicament" and the plea to social distance, I too have found myself reflecting during some  of these now extended periods of silence.  I do try to work on bringing up those memories that make me smile.  For sure easier on some days than on others.

To be perfect is not to be human.  You and I, Incadove, are human.  I find strength in my mantra...."I have done the best I could....and when I knew better....I did better....and will continue to do so." I'm sure the same for you!  In thinking this way I am not trying to white-wash myself.  You bet there are memories that make me cringe.  I know I would not do some of those things now I did then....so....I have learned. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Nature/nuture….words to ponder on.  My mother walked out of our house when my brother and I were young, leaving us with an alcoholic father.  He was a teddy-bear of a man who tried his best to take control but alcohol had control of him.  We grew up on a rudderless ship.  Because of that upbringing and some of our choices, we are both scarred but where my wounds have been able to pretty well heal….not the case with my brother.  We both had the same nurturing....but we weren't born with the same nature.  I have been blessed with a sense of humour (that sometimes has had to work hard to surface)....him hard-pressed to even smile.  More than likely he suffers from depression.   

So now with your children, Incadove.  Nature/nuture.  If you carry and display guilt, you are robbing them of the ability to take responsibility for their own lives.  I, like you, have taken steps and apologized to my children for my wrong doings.  I am done with that....to repeat would be to water down any impact my apology was meant to have.

You write that you do have relationships with your children but not close relationships.  I am sure most in this forum would like more quality in what they currently share with those difficult-others in their lives.  It has been very hard for me to accept what my children offer me in the way of our shared relationships.....to not feel sorry for myself because friends/relatives have more of what I want.   As pointed out so many times on this forum, our children are making choices.....and so are  we.  I know It is MY choice as how my life will proceed....either I accept what IS and look for things that will add sunshine .....or pull up a chair and just sit under a cloud.

We are here to help each other, Incadove, and you certainly have done your bit in helping to bolster those who were/are in need.  Life will always have ups and downs.  Good for us to keep working on "flattening out the curves" in our lives.   ; ))

Here is to sunnier, more care-free days for all of us.

Huat Being cool (click to insert in post)
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incadove
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« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2020, 03:11:57 PM »

Thank you Huat, and (distant!) hugs to you too!

I actually do not feel especially bad, but just sort of - considering if I am doing the right thing by just moving on with my life now, I am available to all my kids if they ask something of me, and I do actively reach out periodically to all of them, but its not like I'm doing anything powerful to fix or change anything from the past.  I kind of don't see any way to do that, and honestly I don't feel like I have the energy to.  I suppose I would try tho if I saw something that logically should be done.

So I guess, I'm just sharing that state, for what its worth.

My kids are more or less ok, due in part to fortunate circumstances - they don't have the same financial pressures that I know a lot of people's adult children do - and if there were something I could genuinely do to unblock them from growing and healing further I would do it. Otherwise, I need to do some growing and healing myself...!
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2020, 10:55:00 AM »

You are on track.  As humans, we all could have done" it" better, what ever "it "was.  The idea of perfection is deadly , overrated, and false- it will keep us imprisoned and shame based forever if we fall into the " if only I did better!!" trap. I say this for me as much as for you.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2020, 05:01:03 PM »

Hello incadove   Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Thanks for your thoughtful post, sharing how you are feeling.

Excerpt
The problem is I don't feel much anymore, I am pretty emotionally numb and really just want to live my own life for myself.

How long have you been feeling emotionally numb?  I ask because these last 6 months, me too. I am grateful I'm coming out the other end and I do feel joy. But I feel overwhelmingly numb, which I recognise as exhaustion. I'm also aware the personal future plans I had are no longer relevant (not related to our current world crisis). Change is upon me, shouting out 'get on with it girl', I'm working through slowly.

I'm wondering what 'just living your life for yourself means for you, might look like'? 

Thanks for sharing how you are feeling incadove, it is very helpful for me, you are not alone!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

WDx
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incadove
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« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2020, 02:13:32 AM »

hi wendydarling

Thanks for the reply, sorry I kind of come and go around here.  'getting on with my own life' - I've always been the type to be sort of involved with a few too many things - work, a side project, building a volunteer group - I'm actually kind of involved with human rights work.  Which somehow makes me feel really guilty when I get mad at my kids - like how do I have a right to help other people if I'm mad at my own family!

I guess I get very frustrated and angry pretty easily, and kind of judgmental.  Today it was that dd was driving on a suspended license, which she did tell me about, but I just kind of blew up at her and lectured her about spending patterns which didn't really help, just made her feel put down.  And the thing is she is generally very kind and thoughtful to me.  But she also buys things when she should pay her tickets etc.  She is trying, really, in a lot of ways I'm very very lucky with my kids.  But I get mad too easily, I think because my own needs aren't really met.  So I'm trying to take care of myself and be kinder.

I'm glad you are feeling joy again Wendydarling, its ok to do that!
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2020, 07:32:28 AM »

Great discussion here. Inca, I’m learning that if I keep circling around to the same guilt and regret for my role in my kid’s dysfunction, then I’m not really processing it and letting it go. Instead of judging myself, I try to simply become aware of my thinking pattern... “hm I see myself going back and feeling blue about hollering and verbally shaming DD for her behavior when she was 16.” I try to just notice and not judge them let that thought go like a leaf in a river. The BPD/NEA website just offered a webinar from Dr Alan Fruzetti last week that spoke to all of this. It was so helpful and it equally hours of therapy. It’s worth a watch.
I’m with Swimmy, we buy into this lie of perfectionism (bc so many are living a lie and making it seem like things are so ideal). It’s just not true. I’m trying to live an authentic life bc that’s where true human connection comes. Gratitude journaling is helpful too. I hope your day is sunny and bright:)
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