Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 02, 2020, 06:17:14 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: FaithHopeLove, Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Forgiveness, formflier, GaGrl,  khibomsis , Longterm, Ozzie101, pursuingJoy, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I cant let it go  (Read 1125 times)
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« on: March 26, 2020, 12:14:56 PM »

Hi. Its been a while since i wrote here... for you that dont know. My ex vanished last year in May.. since then i have been to theraphy,  i have changed completly. My thoughts, my feelings, how i live..my life. But one thing who has not changed is my grief and feelings for my ex.. i do still love her as the first day i met her..you say time heals all wounds. But no. There is so much i think about. I regret.. For example.. i regret that i did not do some things she asked me to do, things i should have done but didnt. Maybe it would not changed a thing, but to me, it feels sad... i regret that i did not fully understand her, what she was trying to say.. Now, i do know, i do understand her and what she was trying to say. Her pain. I hate myself for not doing that when we were together. I do feel that i want to write to her, let her know how sorry i am. For a lot of things..The time she broke up and left. There is something i think of a lot.. We were going to work at the weekend both of us. Then she would have a day off on Monday and Tuesday, me on Tuesday. With her. But the Thursday before the weekend, she texted me from work. BEGGED me not work on Monday. Really begged me. I was confused because she had never ever begged me like that. I told her i couldnt be free on monday, but tuesday we should be free both. On Sunday, we had a nice dinner, talked much, had sex on her intiative. And slept. The next morning.. Monday... wich she begged me not to work on. I went to work. She went up with me, made me breakfast and kissed me goodbye.. one hour later, i got the textmessage.. her furious, accusing me to lie, went behind her back, etc.. words of rage but she never texted me WHAT i had done wrong. Just that i had done something very wrong.. and vanished... can someone please tell me, what happend? Why did she beg me not to work? Was it because i went to work she broke up and left? If i had stayed home, would it be different? I know many of u will text that it was just an excuse for her to leave. But i can tell u, there is a "message" from her, something she tried to tell me.. that hunts me still. I am not 100% percent that she has BPD but almost sure. But not sure... I do want to tell her am sorry, tell her that i am a new person, that i still love her with all my heart. And that i am not a person that abandon her, like her parents did.. i am here for her. Apology for being dumb, for my misstakes.. and that i do meant every word i said of how much she mean to me. Will that be so wrong of me to do?? Will it hurt her? Get her furious? I just want her to know, that even if has gone almost a year, she is on my mind every single day! How do i apology to her, so she understand that i really mean it from the bottom of my heart?? How do u do? How do u tell someone that you have never stop fight for the love??....
Logged

Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10144



WWW
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2020, 10:43:42 AM »

Hi yoke,

I’m glad to you decided to check in with us, I remember your story. It’s good to see an old face. I’m also sorry for what happened to you. It sounds like you did a lot of work in the last year and that’s great! A lot of people don’t do that they just continue on doing the same things over and over again and blame others because it’s too hard to do the self work.

On that topic of blame, I don’t hear you blaming here which shows that you take responsibility for your actions but that being said taking your responsibility for your actions is enough in a r/s, you shouldn’t take the responsibility of someone else’s actions or blame yourself either. There’s a lot of self-blame in your words yoke don’t be hard on yourself!

A r/s takes two people, it is two equal parts and even though our pwBPD blame others for their actions we don’t need to take responsibility for that, don’t assign it to yourself if a pwBPD is too emotionally immature then that’s the way they are but that doesn’t mean that you ownership of that. Take what belongs to you post r/s and if the other person is too emotionally immature to take ownership of their part then just leave it there it doesn’t belong to you.

With that in mind, it sounds to me like you’re a great guy you were flexible and didn’t create a road block and told her that you can do it on Tuesday and that you couldn’t take the Monday off. There’s not a lot of information in your post and I cannot tell you what the motivation was for her actions but I can tell you that she was not transparent with you and if she was a pwBPD there’s a good chance that she was creating an exit strategy long before that Monday and if you haven’t heard from her in over a year that r/s was probably established for awhile before she left, she trusted that the other person was not going to leave.

That falls on her, I am speculating but how she left and the lack of transparency and her rigidness about wanting you to take Monday off are her actions . I ask that you don’t take that part of the r/s and leave it with her, don’t blame yourself and don’t be hard on yourself, take what you can learn from this r/s and carry it into the next one, the experience will enhance your r/s because you’ll know the warning signs and know to set a boundary and  know what both of your roles and responsibilities are but if you listen to your intuition and set boundaries on yourself and don’t ignore your intuition the next person that you become involved with will treat you better.

You have done a lot of self improvement on yourself in the last year.

Do you think that you might find yourself in a position that you have outgrown her if you were back with her again?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2020, 11:03:41 AM »

Thanx @Mutt for the long reply and kind words. I must tell you one thing, am not a guy. Am a woman. If that would change your opinion about me. ? Hope not.. I do have worked so much on myself and i do tale all the responsibility for my wrong actions, the flaws i have. I have worked on myself through theraphy,  and by myself. Much has happend this time without her.. i have changed as a person. To a much better one. I have cut contact with all the friends who has used me, not were there for me when she left. Also the ones who couldnt stand my grief.. i think different. I know my misstakes i did in our r/s and i want to tell her how sorry i am. The chance that she will come back is less than 0, 05 %.. but i hope for that 0, 05 % still.. i do love her with all my hearr. I do not understand what really happend last May. You said that there  is not much story for you so u can tell me how my ex eventually felt, so just tell me what u want to know and i promise to tell you. I really need help here. Am going insane soon.. it feels like that... So, @Mutt. You never answered this i wrote

"I do want to tell her am sorry, tell her that i am a new person, that i still love her with all my heart. And that i am not a person that abandon her, like her parents did.. i am here for her. Apology for being dumb, for my misstakes.. and that i do meant every word i said of how much she mean to me. Will that be so wrong of me to do?? Will it hurt her? Get her furious? I just want her to know, that even if has gone almost a year, she is on my mind every single day! How do i apology to her, so she understand that i really mean it from the bottom of my heart?? How do u do? How do u tell someone that you have never stop fight for the love??...."  Can u help me with that? Your opinion... i know it may be crazy, but i belive you fight until you die.. for the love of your life... is that wrong? / Yoke
Logged

Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10144



WWW
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2020, 12:39:21 PM »

Hi yoke,

I’m sorry about mistaking you for a guy and no it doesn’t change my opinion. Thanks for understanding. This situation closely resembles one where the other partner tragically and suddenly passes and the living partner is left behind without having proper closure. Your situation is tough.

In a r/s where both partners are relatively healthy they can discuss what didn’t work and give each other closure and that’s not possible when your partner suffers from BPD because their mind is ingrained with personality traits that are the opposite of that, their mind projects, avoids and alters situations and feelings that they do not have healthy coping skills to process these feelings. These are years and years of thinking one way what does it take to think differently?

I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with trying the approach that you have in mind but with that in mind, can the other party be receptive to this? Do they have the coping skills to face hard feelings? Can they awaken from their current ingrained programming for just a moment and receive the message as it is intended? Let’s say that they can partially receive your message how much of how they interact in an interpersonal r/s can they change? Are they going to disappoint me again?

What are your thoughts?  
« Last Edit: March 27, 2020, 12:44:32 PM by Mutt » Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1536


« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2020, 07:52:23 AM »

Yoke, there is more to you than this relationship and fighting to the death for it. Your dream of wanting a house and a garden as well. Wanting to work and on Monday you had a role to do and decided to do this. I said to my ex "I can not serve two masters", and it was clear she did not in whatever way, "get" this. I have not only bills to pay, and the holidays I went with her and such like, is not just about money - it is that I have a life outside of the relationship, I want to work, I always have enjoyed it, a long with hobbies (she complained about these too), family, friends (increasingly put into the periphery).

The relationship could never have worked, even if I had abandoned all of this to live on a desert island with her eating lint in a cave, because, like you said - what happens to them when you die? Your opinion is to fight to the death for love, take away the melodramatic ideal of it- you die for the principle and the irony is, the end result they are abandoned. So this does not work either what you are most desperately trying to persuade and convince.

I would stay off work for a relationship, I have done very ridiculous things in the name of love similar, but ive done it emotionally driven, and that is fine. What - is - crazy, is to have no reason emotionally or rationally to support these actions. She begged you to stay but gave you no reason. She has broken up with you again (I see the pattern of what has happened before) and given you no explanation as to what you have done "wrong" to cause her to.

How do you know that she does not have bad intentions to you, BPD or otherwise. There are very manipulative, deranged people out there Yoke, and "love" or putting it on a stick like a carrot to a donkey to people they think are vulnerable to it - is (and I have plenty evidence to back this up) something that works, has worked, for millenia.

Id rather give you the heads up here, to be stay, broad minded, than to have you come back to this support group with a far worse experience to have to get out of.

All these questions you have - they are important to you. What sort of relationship is it that you are not able to get answers from the beloved directly? what sort of love is that? Or are you content with 1 sided love?

Ask her what you have done wrong, what her problem is and all the rest and maybe there is a simple solution and both can reconcile after talking things through like mature grown up women are expected to.
Logged

Malcolm X: "You can't have capitalism without racism"
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2020, 06:05:08 PM »

thanx @Cromwell. thanx for having me back here.  I must tell you that she has noy broken up with me again as u say? The final breakup was last year in May..

Excerpt "All these questions you have - they are important to you. What sort of relationship is it that you are not able to get answers from the beloved directly? what sort of love is that? Or are you content with 1 sided love?

Ask her what you have done wrong, what her problem is and all the rest and maybe there is a simple solution and both can reconcile after talking things through like mature grown up women are expected to"
i am not content with 1 sided love.. that is not how love should be. I dont know still WHY she broke up and vanished, i dont know if she regrets it, are ashamed, or having BPD. i dont know.. the one thing i do know is that i love her deeply. i don't know if the traumatic childhood made her so afraid to trust. but i do think so. and lots of other things she went through made her extremly afraid, jelaous, angry.. and made her be very sensitive when she does not feel loved. that is main reasons why she acted like she did. it does not mean it was right of her, but i do now understand a lot. and i do want to apologuise. is that wrong? / S .
Logged

Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2020, 06:20:18 PM »

Thanx @Mutt!
Excerpt
don’t think that there’s anything wrong with trying the approach that you have in mind but with that in mind, can the other party be receptive to this? Do they have the coping skills to face hard feelings? Can they awaken from their current ingrained programming for just a moment and receive the message as it is intended? Let’s say that they can partially receive your message how much of how they interact in an interpersonal r/s can they change? Are they going to disappoint me again?

What are your thoughts?  "  I don't if she is receptive or how she will react?..i will be sad and hurt if she answers me with hateful words again, but that is am used to.. but then maybe i realize that she will never understand how much i loved her, and throw hate on me, for showing my love to her, then i will have to live with that and all hope will be gone. but at least , she or her friends can never say i did not try. i want to give her apolgy because i know what she has gone through in life, her pain and her grief has made her be so sensitive. angry, jelaous,.. and the time we had the r/s i didnt quite understand her and did stupid misstakes. that i do want her to know am very sorry for. I do love her with all my heart, and i wish she knew how much i have grieved, cried and wrote to her how much i love her, but never sent the written things. it has not gone a single day without me thinking of her. she was and will be the last one i love. So, maybe i am sending myself to hell, writing her a letter? but it cant be worse than this emptyness without her.? right? So how do u suggest i write a proper apology, not to offend, hurt her? /Yoke..
Logged

Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1536


« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2020, 06:58:27 PM »

Hi Yoke,

If you feel you have done wrong, surely there is no option but to apologise?

How do you plan to apologise to her? A letter, phone call, visit her in person? Flowers again? What do you think is the best way to reassure her of you not repeating these wrongs again in future. 
Logged

Malcolm X: "You can't have capitalism without racism"
alleyesonme
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 118


« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2020, 10:50:34 PM »

Yoke - I'm a new poster to this site, but am so sorry to hear about your heartbreak. I'm in my own mess right now, so I'm by no means an expert, but I do have two pieces of advice for you. Feel free to do with it what you will.

1) Have you tried dating other people? In my past, especially when I've been really stuck/haunted by an ex, I've found that meeting new people and creating a lot of new options for myself has helped me get over that ex. At least for me, not having any other options has really intensified the feelings I had for my ex in the past. Once you meet some great people, you may not be quite as hung up on your ex.

2) Try using the Golden Rule in reverse. With as close as you two were, is there any way in the world that, if you'd decided to break up with her, you would have done it like she did without any obvious reason or any explanation whatsoever? I don't know you at all, but just from reading your posts, I can tell that there's no way you'd do this. There's nothing morally wrong with breaking up with someone, but I do think there's something morally wrong with breaking up with someone the way she did with you.

I don't think there's any harm in contacting her, as you may be able to get some closure by finding out exactly what happened. It's also possible that in the past year, she's also done a ton of work on herself and you two may be able to make it work this time.

I only mention the two points above to say that I think it's best for you to be in a better "place" than you currently are before you contact her. As it currently stands, I think you'd be extra vulnerable to the manipulation that many BP's specialize in. By creating some more options for yourself and thereby becoming more "over" her than you currently are, I think you'd have a clearer head if/when you do have another conversation with her.
Logged
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2020, 03:04:42 AM »

@Cromwell ,
Excerpt
How do you plan to apologise to her? A letter, phone call, visit her in person? Flowers again?  again in future."

Hi. Since I don't know if she is in a new r/s , rebound then it would be a disaster if i visit her in person. I haven't called her since May- 19, so i don't know if she has blocked me, and if not, would answer? So by letter is my only chance that she get it, and might open, read it.?
Excerpt

What do you think is the best way to reassure her of you not repeating these wrongs again in the future?"
I don't know what the best way is to reassure her that i dont  repeat these wrongs again.. but i know, if , i say if, she gives me another chance (again) then i would never let her go, i would not do the misstakes again like fx, use my phone texting friends, not go away on a weekend with my friends again, i would be with her, only her. Let us know eachother really, i would opend my heart and want her to be the only one that knows ME best, i would spend as much time it needs for her to trust me, trust my love for her, until she really feels that SHE IS my only love. I would set her first of everything. So she felt she was my priority one, the thing she wanted the most. I would listen more clearly to her, give my best to cook for her, be there for her, fight and stand up for her... there is so much i would do more for her. I need to write that to her as i do now. Try my very best! To explain it well.... what is your opinion, advices? @Cromwell?
Logged

Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1536


« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2020, 04:11:06 AM »

Hi Yolk,

What would you do if she begged you not to go to work again?

If you promised your work in your contract that you would go to work, (being begged not to go is not an excuse out of it) - what would that show her about your ability to be trusted, relied upon, and how you could just change your mind?

I remember she said to you before she thinks you are unwell and need advanced therapy. (her words)

What do you feel any reasonable minded person would think that someone would not go to work simply because they were begged not to, had to then phone in and say "sorry, fighting for love is more important than the contract I made with you"

If we go down that road, where could it lead? It is risky, because despite all the efforts and love people do, it still has the chance of failing.

All this risk and energy for her, how do you know there is not another woman out there who would love you for all this passion you have, appreciate it, and you could be having fun, work towards your house and garden without having to prove love by being some sort of martyr?

How do you know you are not feeling these strong feelings because you are depressed? Remember how bad you felt the last time, you even thought she had been in your house and moved your toothbrush.

This is not healthy behaviour Yoke, this is not "love", however troubled she is there does not need to be a psychiatrist to not see you as vulnerable yourself right now. You are unsure what to do, confused, take some time before you do anything to recover from this recent drama and we will try to make sense of it.
Logged

Malcolm X: "You can't have capitalism without racism"
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10144



WWW
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2020, 11:49:32 AM »

Excerpt
and the time we had the r/s i didnt quite understand her and did stupid misstakes

You learn by making mistakes. You improve your craft by making mistakes. If you didn’t make mistakes you’d remain stagnant with no growth.

I can understand how you want to do things differently this time or do them better. There’s been a long gap since the last time that you have both communicated and if you’ve done nothing wrong then why chase her? She should be chasing you no?

If you have something around you that is in abundance you don’t want that thing if that same thing is scarce and more difficult to obtain that you want that thing - the scarcity principle. That’s perhaps what’s to you but if you make yourself available all of the time and you’re the one doing all of the chasing you’re going to end up devaluing yourself.

I agree with the other poster with getting out there and meeting new people. Have you done that? You don’t necessarily have to date them but meeting new people will bring you new opportunities and possibly bring in new positive energy into your life.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2020, 02:58:02 PM »

Thanx @Cromwell @Mutt. I still have to say this once again. She has only vanished once, not two times as u write @Cromwell. Excerpt "Remember how bad you felt the last time" I have been depressed since the day she left me in May-18.
Ecxerpt
" I agree with the other poster with getting out there and meeting new people. Have you done that? You don’t necessarily have to date them but meeting new people will bring you new opportunities and possibly bring in new positive energy into your life."  Yes, i have been meeting other people, hanging out with them, but they do not make me happy. At all. Something is missing - my ex. I have tried to date also. You know, i am old and gay, that is not easy , its a very small chance you meet someone at my age. And if, if i meet someone.. it will not be the same. When you feel that you have met the love of your life and spent over 8 months , living together. And suddenly it all is gone, and u don't know what happend.. its like you grief someone who has died. But worse! Because that person is still alive, breathing and live 10 minutes from your city.. but is like a ghost. No one has seen her. We only live once, and i do miss everything about her. Everything. Crazy, huh?

Excerpt "What would you do if she begged you not to go to work again?"
@Cromwell. I would ask her WHY she wants me to stay home, why she does not want me to go to work. Try understand, and tell her that even if i go, am all hers. If she fx will tell me that she is afraid that i will see someone there, i would try talk to her, convince her there is no one besides her. Try my best make her trust me. The strange thing is its like she tried to warn me, by saying that. Because on the "Monday" she vanished... so maybe some of her friends had something in mind, maybe herself, that if i did go, that was my way of saying i had interest in someone at my work. She was jelaous of a coworker at my work, because i have told my ex that she was a nice woman talk to at work. Stupid of me even mention it! Because i knew how jelaous she was. That was not smart. Even if my coworker was married. My ex felt it like a threath, because she had hard trust me.  I can tell you that this is one of some examples of my stupidity i did in our r/s. And that am soo sorry for and want to apology for. Maybe you think am crazy. ? But i can tell you , not to brag about myself but am a person with huge heart, i am a very good friend, generous, trustful, i never get mad, i have never lied to a friend/ partner/family. I have never ever tried by cause hurt someone. My ex has a lot in her past that has made her have huge trustissues. One of her ex died when she was pregnant, she never got loved from her parents, she was cheatend by a former boyfriend- found hi in bed with another woman...so i understand her trustissues. Now. I thought she was way too jelaous at that time, i was too dumb that i did not did my very best try convince her that i would never hurt her/ cheat on her. My stupid misstake... and i know my flaws, and worked on them, on myself. So depressed, yes i am that. Who would'nt be that when you feel you could have done different, trying more, but u hurt the one you loved..?
Logged

Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2020, 03:11:48 PM »

@Cromwell.

Excerpt "You are unsure what to do, confused, take some time before you do anything to recover from this recent drama "
It has gone almost a year now, so there is just the thing i have got a lot of - time. Time to think over this recent drama.. of course,  i can wait another year but that would feel very strange to apologuise 2 years after....
Logged

Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10144



WWW
« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2020, 04:17:01 PM »

I can understand that the challenges are greater for you to meet someone but i wouldn’t  have a full r/s in mind when I’m dating. I don’t think that you said I’m just throwing that out there.

Excerpt
Something is missing - my ex.

Let me propose this to you in another way. Do you feel happy? Are you trying to chase happiness through other people. If you have two people in a relationship that are trying to extract happiness from each other it’s going to end up disastrous.

You want to show up in a r/s already happy and give that happiness to others - you have to turn inwards and look very deeply inside before you can extract that from somebody else.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2020, 06:41:59 AM »

@Mutt.  Thanx. !
Excerpt : Let me propose this to you in another way. Do you feel happy? Are you trying to chase happiness through other people. If you have two people in a relationship that are trying to extract happiness from each other it’s going to end up disastrous."

Let me answer this question . No, i am not happy anylonger. It is not just because that I miss my ex. there is other things involved. I used to chase happiness through other people when i was younger. But now-NO. My theraphist and i talked about just this- happiness. I told him that i felt complete with my ex, that it felt i could concour the highest mountain as long as i had her by my side. problems felt easier. And he understood what i was trying to say. and that you can feel happiness WITH soneone else. feel that you are happy with that person when you are together. and that does not mean u seek happiness in other, it just mean that the other person complete you. and that he agreed about. She was the person i have been missing the whole life, and i found it when i was 47 years, strange.. I do miss her, every inch of her, good and bad. She completed me..
Logged

Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1536


« Reply #16 on: March 30, 2020, 07:46:58 AM »

Yoke, what do you want in the relationship?

Is she what you would call an emotionally mature woman for her age?

What role have you found yourself playing here, I know cooking for her is part of it, what else.

I found myself going from independent guy to almost a 24/7 on call, butler. From there it would have been function creep towards doormat. There is nothing attractive about doormat, used for a purpose and replaced when it is too worn down.

I like cooking, I worked in hospitality and earned a good living from it. "your pleasure is my leisure" sort of thing, except it is the side of my personality orientated to work - role play. I want to come home and have something different, need to have something different. Ive also brought up kids, I did not need to be a surrogate parent, I enjoyed it and I am proud of the results, they do not want me visiting and cutting up their food for them anymore and wiping their nose.

What do you actually want Yoke, do some soul searching it might help to go back in time to when you first met her - what expectations you had - and compare to where it got to now. In the meantime, the cost of time passing by and you are investing emotionally into this at the expense of being with someone you dont have to go to a support board to try and find answers about.

Are you with sympathy, trying to compensate to her for her troubled start in life? Can you compensate and undo it all? It is fine if you do, it is a task though that once you take up you will have to pay the price for. If it means unemployed, not getting other dreams you have, all eggs in one basket and trying to keep a depressed mood up until everything works out - go for it Yoke I wont stop anyone doing what they want to.

How is the apology letter coming along?
Logged

Malcolm X: "You can't have capitalism without racism"
daze507
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 148


« Reply #17 on: March 30, 2020, 11:37:57 AM »

Honestly man, if she had BPD, you could have been an improved version of Brad Pitt and that would have not changed a thing.
Mine in the end though I was the Lucifer in person who had been sent to this earth just to mess with her life, and for people who really know me and how simple I am this is just a laughable concept. I am in the end, the thing she was telling me were just ridiculous and even being aware of BPD I knew she'd lost her sh*t.
So yeah, maybe it would have lasted a bit more but would have it been a better option? I don't think so, the longer the harder in the end.
Just saying that because I've been there like many of us here, and we have to accept the fact that we are human. We made mistakes but guess what, everyone make them, our ex partner included and that doesn't justify how they treated us. The only justification here is that they were (ans still are) batsh*t crazy so give yourself a little peace.  Also, stop trying to rationalize her behaviour as she was a healthy person, she - was - not, her behaviour cannot be rationalizes from our perspective.
Oh and, last thing, she doesn't giva a damn you are a new person. They split us black which means that we are dead to them, she probably doesn't even think about you at all and removed everything fro her memory about your relationship. Don't write to her as you have no idea what could happen, most probably not what you are expecting. Again, I've been in your shoes just a few weeks ago that's why I tell you that. It's over bro, really, get over it and live your best life.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2020, 11:51:40 AM by daze507 » Logged
daze507
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 148


« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2020, 12:16:43 PM »

P.S. I read your other posts, sorry for having called you "man" or "bro". However, the substance stays the same.
Logged
DisheartenedGuy

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Dating
Posts: 25


« Reply #19 on: March 30, 2020, 02:36:15 PM »

Im new here, but I have lived this nightmare for years, so.I.do understand the dynamic.  I think the answer may be more simple.  I think begging you to stay home from work was a way to test you to see if you truly loved her.  Because.you chose work over her, in her mind it meant she didnt matter to you, and you think she is a horrible person.  That led to her own internal dialogue which led to her sudden change in demeanor via texts. Maybe.  Its just a hunch. But we cant make decisions based on what they want.  Emotionally they are like a small child, 8 or 9 or 11 years old. We are the responsible adult and must act accordingly.
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10144



WWW
« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2020, 03:52:41 PM »

Hi Yoke,

Excerpt
Also, stop trying to rationalize her behaviour as she was a healthy person, she - was - not, her behaviour cannot be rationalizes from our perspective

I feel the same way, I hear rationalization when I read your responses. You created a discussion about not having the ability to let go on a support group for helping with detaching. I have to ask there is a part of you that knows that this isn’t healthy for you and that you need to detach from your ex. You’re asking for our help right? I also understand  and that it’s not an overnight process it can take years to fully detach but you can choose a direction to head in and work towards that goal. Step by step one by one.

I also read a lot of idealization on your part, you have her on a pedestal. What are some of the bad things about her too? It might help to create a list of the good parts and the bad parts of the r/s to get a more complete picture of the r/s.

What do you think?
« Last Edit: March 30, 2020, 04:00:20 PM by Mutt » Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #21 on: March 31, 2020, 04:20:53 AM »

@Cromwell.
Excerpt " Yoke, what do you want in the relationship?

Is she what you would call an emotionally mature woman for her age?

What role have you found yourself playing here, I know cooking for her is part of it, what else.?"  Answer: what i want in a relationship is, love, trust, desire, lust, sex, comittment, laughter, be there for eachother/ good/bad times, togetherness fx. 

In one way she was emotionally mature for her age. Answer: she opend her heart, told me her dark private experiences, she acted mature when she did not felt hurt/betrayed by me.
She loved to show care in a mature way, her thoughts of life were mature when we discussed life, her future goals were mature.

When she didnt act mature was when she felt insecure, angry of me for not understanding her
Excerpt: What role have you found yourself playing here, I know cooking for her is part of it, what else?"

@Cromwell. She was the one loving to cook for me. She was raised to take care of her partner in an Italian way. She is half italian. She loved to cook, clean, to make the house nice. She wanted me to relax while she was cooking. My part of it was to do the washing after dinner, hug her, give her love and affection. My part were also to take care of the car, sink if broken, build up furnitures from IKEA,  " manstuff" If we had bought a house, she would wanting me to take care of the garden, the car etc.

Excerpt:What do you actually want Yoke, do some soul searching it might help to go back in time to when you first met her - the answer is the same of above what i want in a relationship.
Excerpt
"Are you with sympathy, trying to compensate to her for her troubled start in life? Can you compensate and undo it all? It is fine if you do, it is a task though that once you take up you will have to pay the price for. If it means unemployed, not getting other dreams you have, all eggs in one basket and trying to keep a depressed mood up until everything works out"

I am not in sympathy trying to compensate.. What i feel is that now! i do really understand why she got frustrated, sad, angry at me. I know her awful childhood and other stuff. I understand now why she acted out. I have NEVER SAID that her behaviour with the outbursts, rage, breakups is an acceptable way. Its totally wrong, evil and hurtful. And it is NOT okay in anyway. I say that I understand WHY she did get angry. I will never take her side saying its okay to behave like that.  I know she had a mentor who helped her with her problems with her mood. She herself, knew she had problems with that. (Mature thing to admitt and seek help with) I know i can never compensate and undo her for what she has been through in her childhood/ life. Never. No one can. What i can do, is to make her feel i am a reliable person, i dont lie, hide things, cheat etc. I can love  her in the way she needs to be loved. To make her feel that she is my priority one. THAT is what she was trying to get from me.  To feel that she was the first priority in my life, that i was loving her, no one else. (She accepted my family and wanted me to be with them also) She felt that i foccused on my phone, friends more than her- true, i did in half of our r/s. She felt jelaous of two of my coworkers wich were my friends too, one wich i had a fling with 4 years ago with, the other one, she was curious  about being with a woman, hit on me in hidden ways..- i understand why she was jelaous. And i should have broke contact with them so she felt i had no feelings at all, that i proved it by doing that wich i didnt do until long time in the r/s.. So, i have done many things wrong too. It takes two for a tango,?!

Excerpt :it means unemployed, not getting other dreams you have, all eggs in one basket and trying to keep a depressed mood up until everything works out - go for it Yoke I wont stop anyone doing what they want to."
She didnt want me to quit my job, ve unemployed, she was not sure about me going to work because i had said to her that there was a nice coworker who always asked me to eat lunch together.. = jelaousy/ misstrust . Because of her trustissues and that i never made her feel that she could trust me. Read the examples above... that is just my guessing, and if i were in her shoes at that time.. NOW i really do understand that i did wrong. Maybe all of my understanding now wouldnt change a damn thing about the outcome. But i understand. And that... is why i want to apologuise to her. A person who opend her heart to me, told her about her absolutley worst fears..and i did not understand that back then. The year without her, has giving me so much time, to change my personality, way of thinking, feeling. I have become more mature. Sensitive, vulnerable...know what makes me happy in life, what i want. Those things, friends, work ,other things that hurt me, makes me feel uncomfortable in life, that dont bring me positive energy. - i walk away from. I hate my workingplace fx, so i will quit it soon and got a new job that fits me and will make me happy. I have broken contact with many friend, most of them all.because they used me, lied and did not make me happy.  Hmm.. long and many words here. Maybe you guys are right, maybe this is the wrong board for me to write in.. thanx anyway./ Yoke
Logged

Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #22 on: March 31, 2020, 04:24:21 AM »

Thanx ?! ..@daze507, @DisheartenedGuy for your answers

@alleyesonme Thank you!:)
Logged

daze507
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 148


« Reply #23 on: March 31, 2020, 05:06:29 AM »

Honestly Yoke, I think you did not anything wrong with the purpose of doing something wrong. You just didn't know.
I can give you examples too:
Like a stupid joke I made about her cellulite that was taken out of proportion for three days (yes three days of arguing about that ridiculous thing).
Like a frame on my wall where you could see my ex, yes I should have removed it, because of that she was convinced I intended to go back with her (despite she has a new life with a new partner and lives in another country far away). She yelled "I know you will, I know you will!" so I removed it but the harm was done.
Like me talking about my models (I do fashion photography) thus creating senseless jealousy in her mind.
Like me not writing to her for a few days to leave her a bit of space because she had just changed job and I wanted her to focus on it. I was far from thinking she was actually in agony thinking I was abandoning her.
Like me not thanking her enough when she gifted me something (I am quite the shy guy when it comes to gifts), I could not imagine she thought I did not give a sh*t when it was the opposite in reality.

I could go on and on so you see, I did wrong things too. Would I make these mistakes again going back?  Of course not but the difference is that, back then, I had no idea what BPD was. In fact, she had and probably still has no idea herself that something is wrong with her herself.
So don't be so harsh on yourself, it's easy to see these things afterwards and with our acquired knowledge but when we were in that situation, we acted like we would with an healthy person because we didn't know and we were prey to our own feelings.
The fact that they took all these "clues" to paint us as an evil person doesn't mean we really are, in fact, if we were we wouldn't be here writting about all that.
I know it's excruciating knowing that, they went away from us with that distorted image of ourselves in their mind. It's not fair and it sucks but there is nothing we can do about that. We can only accept this aweful fact and move on, it's the only way, unfortunately. Be strong.
Logged
Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1536


« Reply #24 on: March 31, 2020, 12:16:28 PM »

I hear you Yoke, and I share the frustration you have.

You know her better than anyone else does, so I have to ask, how do you know an apology is already too late by now? What are her rules.

I mean, you had to come here and make a poll first to ask others if you were wrong, so that slowed things down. You say you are wrong now, but are you too late? Maybe she will be annoyed more by a late apology, maybe she wont like it that you had to think about it first?
Logged

Malcolm X: "You can't have capitalism without racism"
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #25 on: April 01, 2020, 07:54:56 AM »

@Cromwell. Hmm let me tell you this. When she vanished, i tried immediately to call her- blocked. I went to her - did not opend.wrote letters- she said she threw them away. She was angry at me as hell for that i still does not know. I tried all that for 3 weeks. Same respond. + she texted she was dating someone new.. Then i felt like i died! I cried all summer thought i was going to comitt suicide several times, but never did. In August i wrote her a letter 3 months after the breakup- same respond and she texted me she was in a new r/s now. Then i stopped contact her.  I went to theraphy every week until this january -20. I had to deal with my own pain, deal with things i had before i met her. I had to change as a person. And i did.

Excerpt: how do you know an apology is already too late by now? What are her rules."     I dont know if its too late to apology to her. But I wanted to first change my behaviour, become a better person, deal with my own issues before i apology.. why?! Because i wanted to change my behaviour before apology because what would an apology mean if you havent really been thinking of what yourself did wrong, and are not willing to either understand your flaws/ willing to change your behaviour.? Then whats the purpose of the apology. Thats one of the main reasons i have been waiting.

Her rules.. Hm. When we had a r/s , every time she broke up with me, i was the one coming to apology ( because she was upset of something) Her friends ( in the beginnig of our r/s) texted me, trying to tell me how my ex was thinking/feeling , that she had lots of trustissues because of her past. That my ex needed me to show my love for her, not just by texts, letters, flowers. Because that did not mean much to her. She needed love. That i showed it to her.  She said things to me when she was mad, but said afterwords during the make up she never meant it. She also told me that flowers, textmessages was not enough for her, she wanted me to show my love for her. More than anything. So her rules? For me to show love.. and since i dont know if she will open i will write a letter. I also feel that she needs my apology, and hopefully belive am saying it from the bottom of my heart?!.

Excerpt: You say you are wrong now, but are you too late? Maybe she will be annoyed more by a late apology, maybe she wont like it that you had to think about it first? Maybe she will think that, but i will write to explain why i give her the apology now, the reason i wrote here now. Maybe its not enough, maybe it will make no different, maybe she hates me? Maybe she will accept my aplogy. Lots of maybe. But for me, i want her to know that i am REALLY TRULY sorry for hurt her, even if it was never my intention.

Many of you here thinks/ feel pure hate towards BPD because of your own pain you have got from them. But if you only feel pure pain, are you not like them?! Thinking just black/white. Myself, i do belive that there is good in every person. No one is totally evil....something to think about?..../ Yoke
Logged

Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1536


« Reply #26 on: April 01, 2020, 12:53:13 PM »

Then i felt like i died! I cried all summer thought i was going to comitt suicide several times, but never did. In August i wrote her a letter 3 months after the breakup- same respond and she texted me she was in a new r/s now. Then i stopped contact her.  

I remember this time  Yoke it was very upsetting, I also remember I think that she told you to stay away, her friends threatened to call the police, was this when you went to her door with the flowers and she closed it in your face? and then you stopped? Sorry if I cant fully remember, I think this is what happened, correct me if im wrong please Yolk, I remember us talking at the time but not every detail. Sorry if I got anything mixed up here.
Logged

Malcolm X: "You can't have capitalism without racism"
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #27 on: April 02, 2020, 03:52:41 AM »

@Cromwell.

Excerpt"  I also remember I think that she told you to stay away, her friends threatened to call the police, was this when you went to her door with the flowers and she closed it in your face? and then you stopped? "

Let me refresh it. The time she did the finally breakup and vanished, she told me to stay away, wrote awful words. That she did every time she broke up with me, the same pattern. Just that this time she vanished. In every relationship, when there is argue/ breakup./ when someone in the r/s feels betrayed or hurt- the one who is hurt says things they did not mean, in anger/ frustration, sadness. You can say " i hate you" and don't mean it. In the moment,  yes you mean it. It has nothing with if you are with someone who has BPD. That is a normal reaction. Whats not normal is the grade of rage they get angry. And that it can happen many times, that they do not apology later.

My ex, when she got mad, she got furious. Of frustration of me, that i didn't understand what she was saying to me. I said i did, but although did things i shouldnt do. And i do understand that she got frustrated/angry. Fx if she ask me to not use my mobilephone much and i promise i won't. And then do it again and again... would you be happy then? No.
 Excerpt : her friends threatened to call the police, was this when you went to her door with the flowers and she closed it in your face? and then you stopped? "

No. My ex threathend me twice to call the police when she was upset, but she also told me she was sorry for saying that, she did apology. Said she said that in anger, but would never do it.
 The times i came with flowers she never closed the door in my face. About her friends: after our first fight, her friend , lets call her Liz, she texted me, telling me she had been to my ex the evening we had the fight and she had never seen my ex cry so much, for anyone, she had never seen my ex so in love with anyone,.. and Liz told me that she has known my ex since they were child, and told me that my ex was so damaged from her childhood that if i really cared and loved my ex, i had to love her, show her, really show her that i was serious and loved her. That was nice of her i think. But Liz interferred and wrote other times to me, when my ex broke up with me, and started to say not pleasant texts to me. Fx that my ex was dating someone else wich was faulse, that it was me that made my ex so much harm, my fault that my ex tried to comitt suicide..
Two other of my ex friends also interferred and texted me. One was a guy. And i do think i has a crush on my ex. He threathend me to call the police if i did not break contact with my ex. That was in the beginning of our r/s. And of course i did not break up with her. He wrote also that they had made a datingside for my ex, that she needed a rebound so she could forget me quick. Nice? Hell no.
Another friend , a woman. Also texted me , first nice texts, but then it turned to be pretty evil too. And she also accused me that i was the one made my ex try comitt suicide.  Nice, no?  And another time, i got a long text from some of my ex lovers.. not a word was nice in that text... Now, afterwards, i do belive that either my ex wrote them and sent them while she was with the friend, or told them what to write. Why, ? Because the language is the same, the wrong spelling in same words. That is not a coincidence.  And also, when i confronted my ex, trying to read to her what her friends had written to me, she did not want to know.. So @Cromwell. I have really worked on myself, i have made progress in my grief, but i still do love her. Despite all the madness , pain it was in our r/s. I do belive that no one, not ever BPD is all bad people. No one can be that evil right through your soul..no one. I admitt i have done things wrong , and i do think you shall apology for that. And as i told you before, an apology is not worth a dine, if you still are the same person as you were when u did the misstakes. Then it does not mean a thing. Maybe my apology is way to late? I dunno know. Maybe it will not make a different to her at all wich i belive. But for me, i tried absolutley everything in my power to show her that i truly am sorry for my behaviour and that i still do love her. Wrong? Maybe. But as i also said, i will not do like the BPD's - think everything in black/white. Then am just as them. And its the disorder that makes them do the wrong things. I hate the disorder.. her ? NEVER
Logged

Cromwell
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1536


« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2020, 05:52:54 AM »

And its the disorder that makes them do the wrong things. I hate the disorder.. her ? NEVER

Do you believe that her and the disorder are two separate things?
Logged

Malcolm X: "You can't have capitalism without racism"
Yoke
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 183


« Reply #29 on: April 02, 2020, 09:47:18 AM »

@Cromwell. NO. Absolutely not. But what I do belive, is that the disorder , is she now has BPD, that makes them do /say things that not is normal.  If you grew up with parents that never tells you they love you, if you never got hugged by them, if they said to you that they are dissapointed of you , that you are not good enough. If you grew up with an alocoholic father wich you loved and just tried to get love from, and all you got back was false promises, back as a child, if you get into a r/s with someone you really love, get pregnant and suddenly your partner dies in a caraccident, those if's.. How do you @Cromwell think you would think and feel love was about?! Would you trust someone easily?! Would you belive in love, and knew how love should be? ?

I can tell you that i grew up with a father that got divorced from my mom when i was 5 years old. He never rrally cared about me or my sister. Every birthday, he did not make an effort to buy a present, all i got was a gift voucher of things i wished for. And he said that we would go out buy them when we met. I child is very sensitive of parents lie to them, to broken promises if you have read and know it yourself!?. To be disappointed, sad and hurt by that year after year.. that makes scars in you. When i was teenager, i had it hard to trust guys, i slept with many guys and i know that i did it to compensate it for my loss of my own fatherfigure. With that , i want to tell you that is why i understand some of my ex behaviour. Why she got furious when i promised something and did not keep it. I have never said its an excuse for her behaviour! But the reason and i do understand the reaction...Look at yourself, are you perfect? Do you not have flaws? Everyone that has been in a r/s with someone who has BPD seems to blame it all on them. I know i had my own issues/problems i had hide all my years. She opend up that door when she left, and do u know what i did? I went to theraphy,  not ONLY for the traumatic experience with her, also to deal with all my pain i have from my own childhood/ teenager, ME as a person. That i needed to face. To become the one i am now..so everything is not one's fault and not back or white..
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
At Bay
Avanzando
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaithHopeLove
Forgiveness
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Katrinalove
LLgreen
Longterm
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
Only Human
PeacefulMom
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
truthbeknown
Ventak
vinnie77
wavewatcher
wendydarling
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!