Struggling with two older siblings who I suspect to have BPD (not confirmed)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Everyone
I have been struggling with overcoming my own forms of anxiety and depression for a few years now. With the help of a few friends, therapists and my husband  I have made great progress in reducing my reliance on alcohol to self medicate. I also identified in the process that I have been mistreating myself by letting my family determine and define my self worth in relation to whatever nutty and toxic impulse they had on a given day. Setting boundaries has been a nightmare, as I could not break the 'all of this chaos is my fault, how they are feeling is my fault' brainwashing that is to this day supported by my parents. I am ostracized from my immediate family for reasons I don't agree with, and the subject of multiple rages and abuse from my siblings. I am so tired and exhausted that I think of giving in to their insane claims, but my husband reminds me that I am worthwhile and I deserve love too.

Fast forward to the current situation. Today I am 5 months pregnant with my first child. I notified my parents and they were happy. I had gone no contact with my two older siblings after they exploded with rage regarding my wedding. To them my act of getting married was an attack on them because I didn't center it around their lives and their schedules. My father also had a debilitating stroke 6 months before my wedding. I flew into town and went to see my parents. My siblings did nothing but rage and scream at me for a variety of perceived transgressions. This involved a series of tantrums in public at the hospital. I went back to my life, and stood up for myself. I said clearly that their behavior was unacceptable and they were to stop. My wedding was a moment of happiness for me, and if they wanted to participate it was to be about that and nothing else. My older sisters went on a smear campaign with my extended relatives and gave me the silent treatment, not attending the wedding. My parents recently told my siblings I was pregnant. I started to receive a series of bizarre and somewhat strange emails from them. Some were rambling, others positive, others negative. I responded to none of them, but the emails kept coming. I asked my father about it, if anything was wrong. He said he didn't have a clue what I was talking about and I should try and talk with them. So, following my new set of tools I sent an email outlining a series of personal boundaries and updates. This caused the biggest retaliation yet from both siblings, accusing me of being cold, mean and exhibiting microaggression and that they hated me to the point where they don't want to communicate with me at all, because I am the problem. What's more is that my parents agree with my siblings and they accuse me of destroying a happy situation about building a bridge with my baby that my siblings can exploit for their own emotional needs to sweep everything under the rug, and pretend like nothing happened in the past two years. Sound familiar?  I decided to stick to my guns and limit my communication. Going no contact with everyone, especially during a pregnancy is incredibly hard emotionally. My vulnerabilities in wanting my family near me at this time is crippling my sense of self determination that if I have these people in my life again it will be on my terms and not theirs. After setting clear boundaries they completely rejected me emotionally and raged at me in a series of emails, placing the blame on me and accusing me of hurting my parents. Sigh. After a good cry and a cup of tea I went and re read 'I HATE YOU! Don't leave me' and 'stop walking on Eggshells' which led me here. Thank you for listening, and if anyone can tell me if I am actually to blame here, I am all ears. Or if it's just a bad situation, and no one really gets what they need in the end. Great website, it helps to talk this out.

[mrs.123]

Hi Everyone
I have been struggling with overcoming my own forms of anxiety and depression for a few years now. With the help of a few friends, therapists and my husband  I have made great progress in reducing my reliance on alcohol to self medicate. I also identified in the process that I have been mistreating myself by letting my family determine and define my self worth in relation to whatever nutty and toxic impulse they had on a given day. Setting boundaries has been a nightmare, as I could not break the 'all of this chaos is my fault, how they are feeling is my fault' brainwashing that is to this day supported by my parents. I am ostracized from my immediate family for reasons I don't agree with, and the subject of multiple rages and abuse from my siblings. I am so tired and exhausted that I think of giving in to their insane claims, but my husband reminds me that I am worthwhile and I deserve love too.

Fast forward to the current situation. Today I am 5 months pregnant with my first child. I notified my parents and they were happy. I had gone no contact with my two older siblings after they exploded with rage regarding my wedding. To them my act of getting married was an attack on them because I didn't center it around their lives and their schedules. My father also had a debilitating stroke 6 months before my wedding. I flew into town and went to see my parents. My siblings did nothing but rage and scream at me for a variety of perceived transgressions. This involved a series of tantrums in public at the hospital. I went back to my life, and stood up for myself. I said clearly that their behavior was unacceptable and they were to stop. My wedding was a moment of happiness for me, and if they wanted to participate it was to be about that and nothing else. My older sisters went on a smear campaign with my extended relatives and gave me the silent treatment, not attending the wedding. My parents recently told my siblings I was pregnant. I started to receive a series of bizarre and somewhat strange emails from them. Some were rambling, others positive, others negative. I responded to none of them, but the emails kept coming. I asked my father about it, if anything was wrong. He said he didn't have a clue what I was talking about and I should try and talk with them. So, following my new set of tools I sent an email outlining a series of personal boundaries and updates. This caused the biggest retaliation yet from both siblings, accusing me of being cold, mean and exhibiting microaggression and that they hated me to the point where they don't want to communicate with me at all, because I am the problem. What's more is that my parents agree with my siblings and they accuse me of destroying a happy situation about building a bridge with my baby that my siblings can exploit for their own emotional needs to sweep everything under the rug, and pretend like nothing happened in the past two years. Sound familiar?  I decided to stick to my guns and limit my communication. Going no contact with everyone, especially during a pregnancy is incredibly hard emotionally. My vulnerabilities in wanting my family near me at this time is crippling my sense of self determination that if I have these people in my life again it will be on my terms and not theirs. After setting clear boundaries they completely rejected me emotionally and raged at me in a series of emails, placing the blame on me and accusing me of hurting my parents. Sigh. After a good cry and a cup of tea I went and re read 'I HATE YOU! Don't leave me' and 'stop walking on Eggshells' which led me here. Thank you for listening, and if anyone can tell me if I am actually to blame here, I am all ears. Or if it's just a bad situation, and no one really gets what they need in the end. Great website, it helps to talk this out.

[zachira]

Know that you are not alone in having two siblings with BPD, as I have two siblings with BPD though there are clearly some similarities and differences. My heart hurts when you describe how your siblings are determined to destroy your happiness, ruin important events like your wedding and pregnancy, lead a smear campaign against you with relatives, all which are sadly often part of having family members with BPD. I am sorry that your parents have sided with your siblings' mean behaviors. I am glad you have a husband that supports you. All that you are feeling is normal, painful, and disappointing. I am glad you have found our site though sad for the circumstances that bring you here. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help. There is no such thing as posting too much or writing too much. Expressing how you feel when the emotions overwhelm you and feeling heard can be a valuable part of the healing process, and can help with the challenges that continue to appear when dealing with family members with BPD, whether feeling sad about what has happened or what is happening in the present moment.

[Methuen]

Hi mrs123

I had a reply written out yesterday - right to the last sentence, but then clicked on the wrong part of my tab, and lost the whole thing. I'm going to try again today!

I am sorry for the difficult things you have experienced.  It sounds like you have gone through a lot of hard times.  But the good news...

Congratulations on your pregnancy.  How exciting!  And I am so happy for you that your husband seems to understand the family dynamic, and is supportive towards you:

In your post, I first read this:

I responded to none of them, but the emails kept coming. I asked my father about it, if anything was wrong. He said he didn't have a clue what I was talking about and I should try and talk with them.

But then it was followed by this:

What's more is that my parents agree with my siblings and they accuse me of destroying a happy situation about building a bridge

So...how can your parents "agree" with your siblings if your dad says he "didn't have a clue about the situation?"  

It sounds like it's possible there could be triangulation going on between your siblings, you, and your parents.  I'm guessing you are familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I also found the following super helpful:

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

Going no contact with everyone, especially during a pregnancy is incredibly hard emotionally. My vulnerabilities in wanting my family near me at this time is crippling my sense of self determination that if I have these people in my life again it will be on my terms and not theirs.

Oh man for sure mrs123.  I get this.  I have two thoughts:

1) Instead of spending negative energy thinking about these family problems and what you don't have (supportive healthy family connections with these members that are driving you crazy), focus on what is going well?  i.e. supportive husband.  Connections with friends?  Community?  Baby.  I guess I'm thinking about mindfulness here - living in the moment - appreciating what we do have.  I'm 57, and struggled with a lot of anxiety in my life.  I really haven't found mindfulness until recently, and it's really helped me to feel more positive and grateful for what I do have (rather than dwelling on all the negative drama and the normal healthy mother/daughter I will never have).  Surround yourself with positive people (who in turn counter the false negative messages from your family).  

2)  Self-care.  I suspect this is generally under-rated by those of us with pwBPD in our lives because we have often been raised to think it's normal that we should sacrifice ourselves for someone else's benefit in order to be a good person.  We don't.  In fact, we need to take care of ourselves, so that we can better manage our lives, and our relationships.  It sounds like family dynamics are causing you stress.  Pregancy, while joyful, is still a kind of stressor because of the changes in the woman's body.  Focus on YOUR well being.  You are important, and deserve to look after yourself, because that also means you are looking after your baby, your marriage, and your other relationships with friends and your community.  When you take good care of yourself and are feeling well, you will also be better able to manage the stresses in your life.  So bubble baths?  Aromatherapy? Music?  Reading?  Physical activity?  Friends (virtual connectivity)?  Hobbies?  Mindfulness or spirituality?  A project to get ready for baby?  Whatever brings you joy and relaxes you is important in self-care.  I agree with your husband..."you are worthwhile", and as such it is important you find time for self-care, and enjoy it.

I discovered that when I started to take better care of myself, I was able to think more clearly, see things better, and slowly move out of the FOG, and tangled negativity.  As I got stronger, I was in a better place to move forward with the difficult relationship I had with my uBPD mom.  

if anyone can tell me if I am actually to blame here, I am all ears.

Huh.  How could you possibly be the only person to blame in all this?  Perhaps no one is to "blame", but everyone plays a role to differing degrees in the drama?  Possibly there are some are high conflict personalities in your family, and now you are figuring this out, and looking for tools to manage these relationships? The Karpman Triangle helped me to understand difficult dynamics, and what I could do to change how I react to this kind of stuff.  It doesn't sound like you have been treated well by family members.  Is there a way you could respond differently to that?

PD's are on a spectrum, so we all have to kind of find our own path that works for us, but it sounds like you have been working on this for a long time already, and are well on your way.

Have you ever seen a counsellor or T?  I found my T to be a super helpful support.  My H came along so he could better understand and learn the tools since it was his MIL.

Or if it's just a bad situation, and no one really gets what they need in the end.

I think for me the trick has been to learn, understand, build a tool set, and learn how to manage the situation so I can move on with my life and find joy without FOG.  I am also learning what I need to do to not participate in the drama.

Baby must be kicking by now!