Conflicted on fighting to save the relationship or walking away...

[Smitty99]

I just want to say thanks to everyone on this forum who have posted their relationship issues and those who offered helpful advice. I've been doing a lot of reading over the past few days and it's really helped but I'm still conflicted. I guess I want to believe my situation is different and has a chance to succeed but when I read how other experiences are so closely aligned with my own, I get extremely nervous. My gf advised me she had BPD prior to the relationship starting. I did some research but admittedly not a lot and the negative issues I saw I set aside believing we would be different.

So my relationship began about 8 months ago with my significant other. The first four months were absolutely amazing. The sexual chemistry was off the charts, her idealization of me (which I now know is a common phase) helped serve to increase our connection and love for me. On my birthday she went tot he trouble of filling a jar with reasons she chose me. It was honestly the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. I was totally hooked and 100% devoted to this person. My birthday came pretty quickly into the relationship, I want to say about a month but we were chatting before that for about another month.

Due to circumstances beyond her control, she was in a less than optimal living situation and wanting to be the savior, I offered her to move in with me. Everything was amazing up to and including Christmas. She kept dumping on Christmas because of her upbringing, never obviously had any positive memories of Christmas. I made it my goal to give her an amazing Christmas to try and get her to enjoy even a little more. My family did the same. After it was over she even said she appreciated everything and she did warm up to Christmas a lot more cause of me.

Start of this year is when things started to go south in a hurry. She started becoming more depressed and down and distant with me. The girl I had amazing sexual chemistry with no longer wanted any physical intimacy whatsoever. After going 2-3 weeks of no sex, I asked her what the issue was and that I was concerned and wanted to try and improve it. She said that this is all normal, it's part of her seasonal depression and just to be patient, it will go away when the weather gets nicer. Trying to remain optimistic, I said fine, I will be patient but I hope she would still try to make an effort.

Other things started to happen that began to alarm me as well. She was never happy and always looking to change SOMEthing. She didn't like where our bedroom was located and wanted to change it to another part of the house. I changed that for her. She was happy for a few days and then right back to the distance and unhappiness. Finally she said she couldn't live with me at my place anymore cause it didn't feel like home to her and she was moving in with her mother and she would come to stay on weekends. She wanted us to get our own place together soon and that would make her happy. That was devastating to me when she left but I pushed on thinking maybe this would bring clarity to her. The first couple weekends were actually really good when she came over. We were productive and did things we normally wouldn't do, but still no sex.

So as time wore on and we still weren't being sexually intimate at all (once since January), I started to bring it up again. She finally was honest with me and said "I don't need sex in a relationship and could take or leave it. I show you intimacy in other ways and that should be enough".

I was completely blown away and so disappointed. Here I was hoping things would go back to the "idealization" stage but now I knew that was never going to happen. So I started trying to figure out ways to save the relationship because I knew I would never be happy in a sexless relationship. She wasn't interested in satisfying me at all sexually. I asked if there was any compromises we could make to help relieve my sexual frustration. There was none. I asked if she would consider counseling and I would happily go with her. Turned me down every time I suggested it.

With that being said, I know I've highlighted a lot of negative but there is also a lot of positive. She's never been violent with me and she's never raised her voice at me. For the most part outside of the bedroom, she's been very sweet in other ways. She offers to do things like buy groceries, gas, dinner when she doesn't have to. We get along exceptionally well and I sincerely enjoy my time with her when we are actually doing something. Probably more than anyone I've ever been with.

But because this intimacy has pretty much gone, it's left me waning and depressed with our relationship because I know it'll never be fully what I want it to be and that crushes my heart. It's come through probably in my attitude recently and we had a fight 2 or 3 weeks ago. Wasn't even really a bad fight and she said "is this even worth continuing if you're not going to be happy with the way things are". I think she was looking for reassurance but instead I agreed and said maybe a break is best for us both to gain some clarity on the future because we aren't making any progress on this issue.

Within a few days she came to me upset and tears saying how could she let me leave when I was the love of her life and nobody had ever loved her so unconditionally as me. That's when I told her and what I've been telling her since this all began. I don't need a commitment from you to have sex X amount of times per week or per month. What I need is a commitment that you want to improve that part of our relationship even if it's via therapy. She said she wasn't willing to do that, all she was willing to do is maybe try a supplement for female libido improvement. I said that's a start but if that doesn't work, what next? We're back at square one.

That conversation ended in frustration because I got excited in the beginning that she saw the light and was ready to work on an important part of our relationship for me but towards the end I realized she was just saying whatever she could to make me take her back without committing to therapy.

So it was at that point I decided to cut all contact and go no contact and I told her if in the future she wanted to discuss things, we could do it in person over a coffee but there was no point in continuing this where things are so fresh and we haven't figured out any meaningful way to solve our issues or proceed.

I'm now approaching 2 weeks of no contact and she hasn't reached out to me. I'm so distraught over what to do and how to proceed. Part of me says just move on because this will never be what you want it to be. The other part of me says you love her dearly and how could you possibly abandon her over. Be patient with her and hope she'll want to change things someday.

Part of my also hopes that she will come back and say sincerely that she is willing to go to therapy to get help her for intimacy issues but part of me doesn't want that because then I have to assess whether she's sincere or not. She may believe she's 100% sincere until she gets back into the relationship and then her desire to get help will completely evaporate.

I'm sorry for going on so long but I just don't know what to do and this was honestly a cathartic experience to get this all out.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my story.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hopeandbelief]

Hey Smitty99, welcome to the board! I'm pretty new here too and it is really a great experience writing about everything and lettings things out. BPD is tough because we can't speak about it with everyone we know; even our friends and family may think we're overracting or imagining things. One thing that I find really helpful is therapy: try giving it a chance if you can, even if it's only for you and not for the couple for now.

I can imagine how difficult all the situation was for you. Honestly, as someone looking to get back together with my BPD ex-partner, I'd say you should be with her looking for solutions together, as hard as it can be and as frustrating as it can be. That's just a personal opinion, though. As fear of abandonment is one of the biggest issues about BPD, I'm not sure how she may react if you two are apart for a longer time.

All the BPD situation is pretty new to me as well, but for everything I've read, you should not expect her to show up and apologize for her mistakes. I'm currently reading my second book about BPD and the amount of strength we nons have to have to deal with all the issues on the relationship is really high. I think it's an option you have: to try to stay and deal with it or leave (like you did for now).

It looks like you really like her so I'm hoping you two can get together again and work on the issues you wrote about. Best of luck to you!

[Smitty99]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate those words of encouragement right now. For the last couple of days I was feeling really good about everything but tonight for some reason has been tough.

I definitely tend to agree with what you said with not expecting her to return being willing to work on her past traumas. It was funny cause I was speaking to my mother on the phone last night and expressing my frustration with her not being willing to go to therapy with me to fight for us. My mother reminded me that she has been trying to get me into meditation for months and I have been resisting each and every time. Now imagine how difficult it is for her to confront her demons and trauma. That definitely helped put things into perspective for me.

I love her so much and I can't help but hope for that outcome but my logical side reminds me that this no contact is for myself to move on even though it feels impossible right now.

I'm so confused on what to do. I guess the best thing to do is to continue with space for now until one or both of us gains clarity. My brain says this will never be the long term relationship you want it to be but my heart says to keep trying.

[alittleawkward]

Hi Smitty, welcome to the boards!

I apologise in advance for potentially putting a dampener on your hopes, but I see myself last year in your shoes. Hoping my ex would message me back. Hoping she'd put herself in therapy. Clinging onto the '50 reasons why I love you' cards she wrote me for my birthday whilst she was constructing a smear campaign against me in our friendship group and going on holidays we planned together with her abusive ex. Even now she has texted me back, and put herself in therapy, I've been through therapy myself and have had enough time to reflect, I don't want the chaos that our relationship bought into my life again, any time soon. I still miss my best friend, but I'm coming to be at peace with it now.

I think a major draw I got reading from your story is that BPD or not, the sexual chemistry in your relationship would be a deal breaker in any scenario. If one person needs a certain amount that the other simply isn't willing to/can't provide, then you may be fundamentally incompatible.

You say yourself you wish for the 'idealisation' stage to return but you doubt it'll happen. Remain strong and realistic in your head with what you want out of going back to her. If she is being adamant now about less intimacy in the bedroom, will you be ok with that for the foreseeable future if she doesn't want therapy?

Being scared of therapy is also a totally reasonable thing to be - some people find it triggering, and this is especially common in mental health illnesses where people are constantly having to battle their own demons. It took me 5 years of being recommended before I went to therapy; BPD or not, the commitment to go to therapy HAS to be SELF improvement. An extremely difficult task a lot of us here have learnt is that you cannot force someone to change, either for their own good or for the sake of a relationship. They need to have this realisation themselves, or A) they won't go to therapy B)It won't work.

Your girlfriend does sound really good in the scheme of things though. There are some horrific stories here of the abuse and neglect people receive through this mental illness I thoroughly recommend you read some before investing back into your relationship, so to prepare yourself mentally for what might be. Books like Walking on Eggshells also provide you with the communicative understanding that could help make the foundations of a relationship stronger. If you wish to reconcile things with your partner consider how happy you'll be in all the outcomes... I'd almost say there is no such thing as overthinking whilst dating a BPD. Don't just fantasise and idealise, make sure you are ok with accepting her for who she is in her entirety, bad stuff as well as good.

Writing on this board will really help you relieve a lot of the weight of the stress you're carrying. Think about why you're doing what you're doing. BPD relationships definitely can work, but a lot of compromises and tolerance may need to take place. Good luck with your next steps!