Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 25, 2020, 06:07:22 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Wife refuses to get help  (Read 314 times)
Nowisthetime1

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated
Posts: 10


« on: April 26, 2020, 09:44:14 PM »

To whom It May Concern,

Me and my wife are seperated. She refuses to get help. I don’t want to get a divorce but I can’t make her get help. She’s been sleeping around a lot. Now I cheated first by kissing another woman. I’ve apologized offered to go to counseling and this has been about 2 years ago now. In 2 years she’s had 9 jobs. She said she’s sick but doesnt want to do anything about it. Hey What can I do to help her?

Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 15814


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2020, 12:50:56 AM »

She said she’s sick but doesn't want to do anything about it.  What can I do to help her?

Your options are somewhat limited because you can't live another person's life for them.  (BPD is a disorder most evident in the closest of relationships.  Typically anything you say will not be perceived well coming through the emotional baggage of the past relationship.)  You can point her in the right direction for help.  For BPD there are at least two approaches, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  Quite often, due to the extreme level of Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting, etc many therapists provide sessions but keep it general and don't name specific therapies so the person doesn't get overly triggered and be more likely to quit.

But recovery is a task she alone can accomplish.  You can support her if she truly does want to recover.  But if she's just going through the motions, faking it, without making substantive progress...

For example, many of us here have reported how our ex picked out the gnat in our mistakes but swallowed the camel (denied accountability) in ex's own mistakes.  You mentioned you kissed someone.  Yet she has been "sleeping around a lot".  Those are are not comparable mistakes — like someone comparing losing a dollar to another losing a paycheck — yet she can't or won't discern that.  All she can perceive is Emotional Betrayal but not her own culpability.  That's what is so frustrating about these acting out personality disorders, you can point out the unreasonableness but you can't reason with someone who won't listen to reason.  (And now I'm back to the difficulty with BPD, it all about the erratic moods and illogical emotional perceptions.)

So there are no children?  If so, then any solution you decide upon will be less complex.  Sadly, having children does not fix serious marital problems, rather it makes everything vastly more complicated, as I discovered the hard way.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2020, 01:02:52 AM by ForeverDad » Logged

Nowisthetime1

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated
Posts: 10


« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2020, 09:13:40 AM »

Hey Forever Dad,

Thanks for responding. No kids man I saw some things at the beginning that gave me cause to pause. But still the desire is there to wait for her. It’s been going on 2 years since I kissed another woman and she isn’t interested in any help. When I met her I felt sorry for her thinking I could help her. I’ve waited 11 years for it. Sadly I’m coming to realize she never wanted any help. What doesn’t kill makes us stronger. Thank you for the response brother. How are you doing?
Logged
KingofTexas37891

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2020, 05:37:01 PM »

It is not your job to save her. Just divorce and move on except you want to suffer longterm.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced January 2012
Posts: 11500



« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2020, 07:45:13 AM »

What can I do to help her?

If she slept with other men and you hadn't kissed someone, would you feel differently about her infidelity?
Logged

Breathe.
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 15814


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2020, 03:37:42 PM »

So she's had your (overall) good influence for over a decade and things are far worse than at the start?  Frankly, is it realistic to hope that there's some way you can help her?

Maybe, just maybe, a skilled therapist can help her but she would have to work diligently on improving her behaviors and perceptions and over years of sessions.  Is that realistic?

Many here have faced the reality of our circumstances.  That you are here reveals you too are coming to grips with your circumstances too.  One upside — or more accurately described, lesser downside — is that your marriage is not complicated with custody or parenting concerns.  Wise that you don't have children, otherwise ending a failed relationship would be vastly more difficult.
Logged

Nowisthetime1

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated
Posts: 10


« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2020, 05:02:07 AM »

King of Texas, livednlearned and ForeverDad,

Hey guys thanks for responding. I didn’t think anyone else would respond after the last comment months ago. Here’s an update

1. I filed for divorce last month
2. I’ve been in therapy and discovered I’m suffering from attachment issues with my mother. She had 3-4 nervous breakdowns and my father was an alcoholic up until age 12. Mainly doing inner child work concerning the lack of bonding with ma. People with these issues have real fear of abandonment issues and so do I.
3. She told me from the jump she’d commit suicide and I thought I could save her. I wanted to give her what I didbt get in a crazy way. She saw me as her mother and father.
4. She was surprised I filed for divorce and is still doing the same thing. I tried to help her but now must help myself. Thanks for the responses guys.

Logged
HappyKJ
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 53


« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2020, 12:07:53 PM »

I can relate. Honestly I've stopped trying to fix my relationship issues and started focusing on myself. But it's hard because after a really great week where I felt more connected to my partner than I have in a long time, he had a breakdown last night, largely due to running out of his meds. I've learned not to take his hurtful words too personally, but it's still hard when all my attempts to be supportive and helpful backfire.

He said that our current living situation is torturing him and he must go to a hotel and that money shouldn't be an issue. I said it was not an issue and to do whatever gives him relief. Then he said I was kicking him out. He tried to book a hotel but couldn't, probably due to his mental state, and I did not attempt to do it for him as I didn't want to confirm his belief that I was kicking him out.

He then insisted on sleeping on the floor, so I brought him some sheets and blankets from the upstairs room. He said they were giving him a rash, so I offered to wash them, and he said, "I'm sleeping on a concrete floor."

This isn't just about our relationship -- I'm seriously concerned about his mental and physical health and fear he will die soon if he continues down this path. He's addicted to multiple substances and is constantly going through the cycle of ups and downs. He doesn't just need therapy; he needs medical help or a skilled psychiatrist (an ethical one who actually cares about helping people, not the glorified pill pusher he'd been seeing for the past few years). But not only does he refuse professional help of any kind, but any time I bring up the topic, he gets very angry and defensive. He then piles on the shaming, saying how he took care of me when I was having seizures and basically threw away his life for me, and now here I am throwing him under the bus. I am reaching my breaking point and at a loss as to what to do.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 15814


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2020, 01:01:51 PM »

Some states have a 72 hour hold where they will assess someone's mental health, it's a 5150 in California, the California law code for the temporary, involuntary psychiatric commitment of individuals who present a danger to themselves or others due to signs of mental illness.  But I don't know at which point your word will be taken over her word.  She's very likely to Deny any poor behaviors or threats.  Or even project and claim that you're the crazy one.  If you had recordings of any suicidal rants, that might help.
« Last Edit: October 18, 2020, 01:11:17 PM by ForeverDad » Logged

MeandThee29
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 831


« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2020, 05:42:17 PM »

Only you know what the line is, but by filing for divorce you have a line already. The question is whether to push forward, put it on hold, or withdraw it.

At a certain point, you have to step away from someone that disturbed and leave them to their own devices.

Working on your own issues is important. I put in a tremendous amount of effort with a therapist, life coach, and a support group during separation and the divorce process. To my knowledge, my ex never got any professional help. Because of all I had worked on, I weathered what became a high conflict divorce with my sanity intact. While there was all kinds of drama on the other side, my attorney and I just kept it moving and ultimately got it settled.
Logged
Nowisthetime1

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated
Posts: 10


« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2020, 11:37:15 AM »

HappyKJ, ForeverDad,MeaandThee29,

Thanks for sharing guys I greatly appreciate this. HappyKJ, I feel your pain as you want to help your partner. However, if you don’t take care of your own attachment trauma issues you’ll leave this relationship and get into another similar to it. Also, if you take care of yourself getting the therapy, coaching etc that’s needed you could be beacon of hope for your partner if you crossed paths in the future. Conversely, if you don’t both of you will sink in your own way(s). Both of you are dealing with some attachment issues experienced during childhood and this is apart of the reason you’ve stayed as long as you have. Is it going to be hard to focus on your own well being? Yes but look at the alternative.

MeaandThee29 thanks for your encouragement in focusing on my own well being. You know I still feel sad she isn’t trying to get help. However, I know that if I don’t pursue my own healing then I won’t do me or anyone else any good.

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!