Dealing with Parental Alienation

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I’m divorcing an uBPD spouse.  She has engaged in full parental alienation.  I once had loving relationships with all my kids, now they act like they hate me.  They will lie and tell people they feel unsafe when they are with me, they go out of their way to make sure they don’t participate or interact with me.  I need to be supervised with my kids, not for their protection, but for mine.

Except for one of my kids.  He’s the third out of the four.  He’s still just as loving as ever.  He tried to protect me from his siblings.  He interacts with me, he suggests activities for us to do. 

Does anyone know if there is some phenomenon that would explain this?  Maybe I’m searching too hard for answers, but I guess I wish there was an explanation for why he seems to be immune from the parental alienation tactics that I could extrapolate and use to help get the hearts back from my other kids.  I’m guessing it’s far more complicated than that and has roots going way back, but I still thought I’d ask.

[Wilkinson]

I’m divorcing an uBPD spouse.  She has engaged in full parental alienation.  I once had loving relationships with all my kids, now they act like they hate me.  They will lie and tell people they feel unsafe when they are with me, they go out of their way to make sure they don’t participate or interact with me.  I need to be supervised with my kids, not for their protection, but for mine.

Except for one of my kids.  He’s the third out of the four.  He’s still just as loving as ever.  He tried to protect me from his siblings.  He interacts with me, he suggests activities for us to do. 

Does anyone know if there is some phenomenon that would explain this?  Maybe I’m searching too hard for answers, but I guess I wish there was an explanation for why he seems to be immune from the parental alienation tactics that I could extrapolate and use to help get the hearts back from my other kids.  I’m guessing it’s far more complicated than that and has roots going way back, but I still thought I’d ask.

[zachira]

I am sad for you that you are experiencing parental alienation with your children. You must read "Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family From Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing" by Dr. Richard A. Warshak. The cover publicizes the book with the heading "The Classic Guide to Preventing and Overcoming Parental Alienation." I have read this book and was very surprised about how proactive a parent must be to prevent the parental alienation, and it rejects the usual advice of not saying anything negative to the children about the other parent.

[Mutt]

PA is hard. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

I just want to add splitting and triangulation. The one that favors you for now is probably split black by stxUBPDw and the other kids are split white.

You’re split black right now and you’ll recall when you’re split white if you do something that’s favorable for her she’s sees you as all good and if you do something that’s not favorable for her then you’re split black. Maybe if they don’t want to be walking on eggshells they may do something that keeps them in hers eyes as all good and if they don’t go by watch she says then they’re split black.

The one child is probably on the fringes of  oscillating between seeing split white and split black.

The other component to this one you’re in the middle of all of this stuff is triangulation and this where picking a side let’s say the child’s side and not picking the moms side can stoke the fires of the blame and drama cycle and keep perpetuating that drama. I don’t want to generalize and say that all triangles are drama triangles but as you know a r/s with a pwBPD is chaotic.

To view herself or to have others view her as a good person or better parent because she she’s insecure and it’s hallmark of BPD she’ll cast you in the role of persecutor and cast her herself in the role of victim m. So you’re up here as the menacing victim while she’s down her as the defenseless victim with bystanders participating unknowingly in the drama triangle as rescuers.

Persecutor > Victim > Rescuer.

Along these three corners usually a pwBPD will shift to either the victim and rescuer roles and sometimes the persecutor and they’ll cast you in either the persecutor or in the rescuer role. Now if you hold that persecutor role for a long time you’ll become a trigger for a pwBPD because they cannot sustain that emotional for a significant amount of time. If you peel back the layers you’ll find that what drives a psBPD are feelings of low self worth and insecurities which is the opposite of what you see that’s directed at you with the disproportionate anger and chronic patterns if rigid behavior and inflexibility.



BEHAVIORS: Triangulation

[PeteWitsend]

...

Does anyone know if there is some phenomenon that would explain this?  Maybe I’m searching too hard for answers, but I guess I wish there was an explanation for why he seems to be immune from the parental alienation tactics that I could extrapolate and use to help get the hearts back from my other kids.  I’m guessing it’s far more complicated than that and has roots going way back, but I still thought I’d ask.

Sorry you're going through this; it was one of my bigger fears as well. 

I do think you're searching too hard for answers though; focus on what to do about it first.  "Why" BPDers do the things they do are really an academic/psychological focus.  If you're in the thick of it, your first priority should be countering the alienation attempts and behavior. 

In addition to reading the books suggested, have you considered getting a T for the kids? 

In my own case, so far I haven't seen any signs of alienation, though it's not for want of effort on the part of BPDxw.  My kids seem resilient enough to ignore it for what it is, and make up their own minds about what is right and what is wrong, and who did or said what.  Taking them to the T though has been beneficial - both for them and for me.  In my own case, it helps assuage my worries of them suffering or developing some unhealthy coping mechanisms from the divorce, and also gives me the peace of mind that I have another adult who can help me out and (if necessary) testify in court on my behalf. 

[Wilkinson]

In addition to reading the books suggested, have you considered getting a T for the kids? 

I tried.  My wife found a T she seemed to be able to manipulate and she took them to that T for help with an abusive father.  The court assigned us to a new counselor who met with all of us and set us all up with individual counselors. 

[PeteWitsend]

I tried.  My wife found a T she seemed to be able to manipulate and she took them to that T for help with an abusive father.  The court assigned us to a new counselor who met with all of us and set us all up with individual counselors.  

That might be better.  My XW initially suggested she was going to get our kids a T to help them deal with the divorce.  Wary of my XW's known tendency to "forum shop" and visit therapists until she found one that did nothing but validate all her complaints/concerns, I didn't want her to choose the T.  

my attorney shared office space with a child psychologist.  We had the child psychologist pick three (3) other T's in the area that she knew and respected, and let my XW pick from one of those.

In any event, after a few visits, I guess XW felt it wasn't going her way (i.e. she couldn't manipulate the T into taking her side), and sent me an angry text message that the T was "useless" and she wasn't going to take the kids there anymore.

I had written into the divorce decree a clause that she had to keep taking our kids there for at least 2 years post divorce.  I should've probably fought for more time, there, too.