Stay Or Leave Family with undiagnosed BPD traits

[Limepie]

Dear BDP Family Members,

I would like to have advice and help on my personal situation regarding having my own family in which there always have been BPD-like traits by my wife.

She is undiagnosed, from my own research and experience I believe she has much traits of a highly effective/intelligent bdp mother with also signs of narcistic traits.

We have two young children, 5 and 7, whom we dearly love. I think an important reason why I am still here is because of the children. I worry much about their personal development. Yelling, manipulation, psychological agressiveness in discourse but yet also fierce loving and caring are daily traits we all experience from her.

I searched for help by numerous visits at the doctor and many sessions at 3 psychologists. To summarize the results; if my wife does not seek for help (yes we tried and tried, but one single hint  means war), there are little solutions other then leave or stay and try to cope with the situation as best as I can.

Till this day I am still here to try to balance and stabilize our daily life by being there when things go wrong, focussing on our children. When I leave, my wife will create a hostile situation and I can not bear to see my kids growing up by her alone without my presence. The thing is, it does not come (yet) to physical violence and the dangers can not be seen by the public, therefore lack of proof is a dilemma. Also she is highly intelligent and social to disguise these issues.

What are your thoughts, experiences and do you have advice for a person in this situation?

I can write pages and pages on whats going on but since Im writing this on a mobile device it starts to get quite unhandy. If more specifics and info are needed, just let me know.

With kind regards and wishing you all the best,
Limepie

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KeepingHope]

Hey Limepie,

Have you tried any of the tools here on the site?  Like validation and not JADEing?

It would also help to get her to go to therapy.  Maybe you could try a couples thing to get her into a session?  Not focused on BPD or anything, just for couples "issues"?  Not sure but she may feel more open to that?

Stay strong